BrokenPrincess Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 Lately it is eating me up like the telltale heart. I don't think I can hold it in much longer. & - how long has it been since you ended the A? The first week after my A ended, I thought I was going to tell my H, then I felt like I just wasn't in a place emotionally to do it (I was barely functioning at that point, not eating or sleeping, ended up very, very sick for 3 weeks). I'm now 2 months out and it has started to eat at me again, and I've found myself more active again on this board & reading others to try to independently process, heal, and fix myself. Like you, I want to get a spark in my M without confessing. So I am trying to set little goals for myself to get the excitement with my H that I had in my A (example-putting on some lingerie, arranging a babysitter so we can have a date night, etc). It's hard, but I'm pushing myself to "fake it til I make it" and hoping that eventually the thoughts of the A will be a faint memory and the intimacy with my H will be rebuilt & feel natural.
KathyM Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 You can't truly reconnect with your spouse without honesty, because there will be this huge secret between you that causes you guilt and prevents you from having true intimacy with her. You can't really fix something together when you don't both know where the damage is and how extensive it is. It's like trying to repair a leaking boat without knowing where the leak is coming from. You both need to be on the same page, with a complete understanding of the problem you are dealing with, and both be committed to repairing the marriage. 5
Author ampersand Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 I'm still grappling, to be honest. It's a month or so out. The days are up and down. I am increasingly convinced it has to happen, but the question is when, and what I want after. I would rather be firm on what I want the outcome to be first (stay or go). Of course it is not just my decision to make after that point. Right now I am still much with the OW, and it is very hard to push her out to fall for my wife again.
Scarlett5 Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 This might sound like a silly question, but why do you want to stay with your wife? To get back what you once had? You don't sound very convinced. Maybe your relationship has run its course. But to answer your question, I'd say that to get back the level of intimacy needed for a successful relationship, of course you need to tell her. The truth always has a funny way of coming out in the end. 2
BetrayedH Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 I'm still grappling, to be honest. It's a month or so out. The days are up and down. I am increasingly convinced it has to happen, but the question is when, and what I want after. I would rather be firm on what I want the outcome to be first (stay or go). Of course it is not just my decision to make after that point. Right now I am still much with the OW, and it is very hard to push her out to fall for my wife again. I would say that you definitely need to be decisive before you disclose. If you want to reconcile, it is crazy difficult to do. If you expect your W to put in the effort, you're going to have to be in with both feet. You will have to fight for your marriage. Make your decision. Then disclose to your wife either way. 1
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