Can I get the spark back without telling?

[ampersand]

I just ended a 2.5yr affair. My wife is unaware, although she knows I am depressed and feeling in a midlife crisis.

 

Right now I am still in love with and mourning the OW. However, I continue to try to convince myself that rekindling with my wife is the way forward, the affair fog will fade and I will rediscover our lost love.

 

Can I do this without telling her about the A? If it is truly done, I have heard it said that it is better not to know. But can I truly reconnect with that secret buried? How long before I am "ready"? At the moment all I can do is compare to the OW.

 

Experience and advice, please.

[Decorative]

As a betrayed spouse, and one who had to spy to find out- it is much better to tell your wife, and I don't think you will find a betrayed spouse on here who wishes she or he did not know. I might be wrong, but in my experience, those spouses are few and far between.

 

They all wish it had not happened, but are grateful to know the truth of what happened.

 

In my opinion- and it was my spouse's original plan never to tell me, we would have never been able to reconcile without the truth. His affair was even longer than yours. 3.5 years.

 

Even if your wife doesn't know, on some level, she knows something is deeply wrong. If you don't tell her the truth, it will stay between you.

 

You should read "How To Help Your Spouse Recover From Your Affair", by Linda McDonald. And also, " Not Just Friends", by Shirley Glass.

 

Those two books will help you understand what has happened, the importance of boundaries, and give you a good chance at recovery . a recovery based on a lie- it won't be sustained.

 

I wish you well.

Edited December 16, 2012 by Decorative

[coffeebean201]

Spouses don't just sit there waiting for you to remember they exist.

 

Sounds like you need to see how your spouse is doing to figure out how/ and when to try reconnecting with her...in a way that is pleasant and useful and meaningful for both of you.

[SidLyon]

Can I get the spark back without telling?

 

I think the answer to this is probably "no" and this seems to be born out by the experiences of many other BS on this board.

 

Nearly 8 years ago my H's 3 year affair ended, and like you he resolved not to tell me and try to make our marriage work on his own. The problem was that I didn't even know we were reconciling and nothing much changed for either of us.

 

After 3 years the OW's BH died and she tried to re-establish the A with my H. Things didn't go so well and we had a d-day when I discovered what had been going on.

 

Now more than 4 years later, we have got the spark back but it wouldn't have happened with me knowing the truth.

 

I'm a big advocate for telling the BS of the A, as ultimately it worked for us. If we hadn't reconciled it would have still been the best thing for us. What would have been the worst outcome for everyone is that we continue on, ...... unchanged.

[whichwayisup]

I just ended a 2.5yr affair. My wife is unaware, although she knows I am depressed and feeling in a midlife crisis.

 

Right now I am still in love with and mourning the OW. However, I continue to try to convince myself that rekindling with my wife is the way forward, the affair fog will fade and I will rediscover our lost love.

 

Can I do this without telling her about the A? If it is truly done, I have heard it said that it is better not to know. But can I truly reconnect with that secret buried? How long before I am "ready"? At the moment all I can do is compare to the OW.

 

Experience and advice, please.

 

Best is to come clean. What if your wife finds out the truth from someone else..The OW herself, or someone who knew about your affair. What if your wife already knows? maybe she hired a PI, or someone she knows saw you and the OW together. Your wife knows something is wrong, she probably suspects an affair but does trust you and figures you'd never cheat on her..

 

Go to counseling and get help so you can grieve the loss of your A and the OW. And the counseling will help fix you, as to why you chose to cheat on your wife to begin with. Something is broken inside of you so that needs to be fixed.

 

Was the OW married as well?

[Tainted love]

Speaking from a BW perspective I would say the most courageous thing to do would be to come clean. I strongly believe this also will a) give you the best chance of reconciling b) help your wife to see that somewhere in all your actions there is still a man who can be trusted and therefore worth working on b) help you really figure out how you can repair your marriage from a clean slate perspective.

 

My partner lied repeatedly. It's that I can't forgive.

[veryhappy]

You're going to get mostly moral advice. There are people out there recommending you don't confess. Look up Mira Kirschenbaum's books. It depends on you, your wife, your intentions and your view on life.

 

Love the user id, by the way.

 

One thing you need to realize is that you won't find your exOW in your wife, but you can find whatever was there with your wife. I suggest you go to IC fora while to clear your head about what are your personal issues and what are marriage issues, and then proceed according to what you want.

 

The reason confessing works for some is that the BS suddenly wants the toy back because of the competition. Even if the spouse was neglected for years, there's this primal need to reclaim what was perceived as already conquered. They burn the M and fall in love again. 2-5 years.

Edited December 17, 2012 by cutedragon

[Rocket Man]

I think you should keep it to yourself and take it to your grave. I believe and have read and heard that it is a selfish thing to do to tell your partner. Why tell? To clear your conscience? And what will that do to her? Just read on here how the BS feels when D-day hits. Why do that to her if the affair is over? It will cause possibly years of heartache for her. I think you should just pour yourself into your marriage 100% and work on yourself and become the kind of man and husband you should be and save your wife from your dirty secret and never go down that road again.

[waterwoman]

The reason confessing works for some is that the BS suddenly wants the toy back because of the competition. Even if the spouse was neglected for years, there's this primal need to reclaim what was perceived as already conquered. They burn the M and fall in love again. 2-5 years.

 

No.

 

It's not the competition. Not in the slightest. Well, not in my case anyway. Yes, I was afraid to lose him but that isn't competition - there was none to be honest. Finding out that he had an affair was such a shock it crystallised the need to DO something about the barriers we had both put up between ourselves. And they were barriers that WE had both put up. It wasn't that he was neglected and unloved by me while he was still being the same loving H - we had both stopped doing enough of the maintenance that makes any marriage work, we both felt rejected and alone. I had even fantasised about leaving him in the previous year - but I didn't want to hurt anyone. His affair was an undeniable sign that things had got to crisis point. It made it very clear to both of us that we needed to act. If our marriage recovers (I am hopeful) it will be because we both made a decision to start again - to put effort into each other and our relationship not just kids, work, family.

 

If I hadn't found out our marriage would, I beleive, have slowly bled to death

[BetrayedH]

I think you should keep it to yourself and take it to your grave. I believe and have read and heard that it is a selfish thing to do to tell your partner. Why tell? To clear your conscience? And what will that do to her? Just read on here how the BS feels when D-day hits. Why do that to her if the affair is over? It will cause possibly years of heartache for her. I think you should just pour yourself into your marriage 100% and work on yourself and become the kind of man and husband you should be and save your wife from your dirty secret and never go down that road again.

 

I found it interesting that the original poster mentioned waiting for his affair fog to lift. I think part of that is the realization that to truly reconnect with your spouse, open and honest communication ends up being the key. Even the OP instinctively knows that keeping this huge secret between them is ultimately a huge wall between them.

 

The problem with the "take it to the grave, protect her from pain, take the guilt on yourself" approach is that it precludes exactly what you need. In order to take it to the grave, you will need to keep lying to her until one of you dies. Is that really what you want? Do you really want to trick her into staying with you? Or do you actually want to reconnect in a legitimate way that makes it a marriage worth saving? I think once the affair fog lifts, the wayward realizes that owning their mistakes and recommitting to an authentic life IS the way to rebuild the marriage.

 

I think looking at practical logistics is also smart. Trying to take it to the grave is risky. That's a long time to keep a secret and these things are discovered all the time (regardless of hoe much effort waywards make and insist thst the betrayed spouse will never know). Some people find out 20 years later when it would seem impossible. One interesting stat I read said that 2 years post-infidelity, 70% of couples were still together after the affair had been voluntarily disclosed; in case where it was discovered the number went down to 35% (with only half the couples reporting that they were happy). You quite literally double your chances of reconciling if you disclose your affair.

 

Another poster discussed the impact of the lies they were told. As a betrayed spouse, I can confirm that the lies (especially a fear of continued lying) was a far greater obstacle to reconciling than the physical acts. You have no idea what a huge difference it will make if you voluntarily disclose your affair and had voluntarily ended it to recommit to your marriage. You will have a plausible argument that you are done lying to her and that you do truly love her. Do you hae any idea how difficult it is to establish those two things from a wayward spouse standpoint (or how impossible it will be for you wife to believe that you are done lying and love her if she has to discover this on her own)?

 

I also recommend both of the books that Decorative mentioned to help you better understand affairs, the affair dynamic, and what it takes to heal. Most betrayed spouses do attempt to reconcile after a Dday. The numbers are like 80% of men and 90% of women. The problem is that the path to reconciliation is very long, very narrow, and has landmines on both sides. Many waywards unfortunately continue the same disastrous approach of lying and trying to control the situation and manage the other person (which is kinda disrespectful in itself).

 

Read the books. Keep reading here. Find courage. Go to individual counseling so that you can prove to yourself and your wife that you are done with this pattern of lying. Get yourself to a healthier place and then confess to your wife so that you have a chance to rebuild a truly intimate marriage and to live an authentic life that is free from the double-life you have forced yourself to live during your affair. You're taking good steps. Keep going.

 

Good luck.

[frozensprouts]

Y

 

The reason confessing works for some is that the BS suddenly wants the toy back because of the competition. Even if the spouse was neglected for years, there's this primal need to reclaim what was perceived as already conquered. They burn the M and fall in love again. 2-5 years.

 

Uh huh,

while that may be the case sometimes, more often the reason that confessing works is because it puts both spouses into place where they know there's a problem, and they are forced to deal with it...

 

especially when the betrayed spouse tells their wayward spouse to leave, that can be a real wake up call for both- both are forced to decide whetehr or not the marriage is what they truly want...for some it is, for some, it's not...

 

like a lot of things, it can be really difficult to "get it' unless you've been there yourself

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I just ended a 2.5yr affair. My wife is unaware, although she knows I am depressed and feeling in a midlife crisis.

 

Right now I am still in love with and mourning the OW. However, I continue to try to convince myself that rekindling with my wife is the way forward, the affair fog will fade and I will rediscover our lost love.

 

Can I do this without telling her about the A? If it is truly done, I have heard it said that it is better not to know. But can I truly reconnect with that secret buried? How long before I am "ready"? At the moment all I can do is compare to the OW.

 

Experience and advice, please.

 

No, you can't reconnect with that secret buried. At least not in an honest way.

 

If you want cheating, lying, disrespect, deception, and manipulation to be the bedrock of your marriage, then go ahead and keep it a secret.

[Bittersweetie]

I found it interesting that the original poster mentioned waiting for his affair fog to lift. I think part of that is the realization that to truly reconnect with your spouse, open and honest communication ends up being the key. Even the OP instinctively knows that keeping this huge secret between them is ultimately a huge wall between them.

 

The problem with the "take it to the grave, protect her from pain, take the guilt on yourself" approach is that it precludes exactly what you need. In order to take it to the grave, you will need to keep lying to her until one of you dies. Is that really what you want? Do you really want to trick her into staying with you? Or do you actually want to reconnect in a legitimate way that makes it a marriage worth saving? I think once the affair fog lifts, the wayward realizes that owning their mistakes and recommitting to an authentic life IS the way to rebuild the marriage.

 

I think looking at practical logistics is also smart. Trying to take it to the grave is risky. That's a long time to keep a secret and these things are discovered all the time (regardless of hoe much effort waywards make and insist thst the betrayed spouse will never know). Some people find out 20 years later when it would seem impossible. One interesting stat I read said that 2 years post-infidelity, 70% of couples were still together after the affair had been voluntarily disclosed; in case where it was discovered the number went down to 35% (with only half the couples reporting that they were happy). You quite literally double your chances of reconciling if you disclose your affair.

 

Another poster discussed the impact of the lies they were told. As a betrayed spouse, I can confirm that the lies (especially a fear of continued lying) was a far greater obstacle to reconciling than the physical acts. You have no idea what a huge difference it will make if you voluntarily disclose your affair and had voluntarily ended it to recommit to your marriage. You will have a plausible argument that you are done lying to her and that you do truly love her. Do you hae any idea how difficult it is to establish those two things from a wayward spouse standpoint (or how impossible it will be for you wife to believe that you are done lying and love her if she has to discover this on her own)?

 

I also recommend both of the books that Decorative mentioned to help you better understand affairs, the affair dynamic, and what it takes to heal. Most betrayed spouses do attempt to reconcile after a Dday. The numbers are like 80% of men and 90% of women. The problem is that the path to reconciliation is very long, very narrow, and has landmines on both sides. Many waywards unfortunately continue the same disastrous approach of lying and trying to control the situation and manage the other person (which is kinda disrespectful in itself).

 

Read the books. Keep reading here. Find courage. Go to individual counseling so that you can prove to yourself and your wife that you are done with this pattern of lying. Get yourself to a healthier place and then confess to your wife so that you have a chance to rebuild a truly intimate marriage and to live an authentic life that is free from the double-life you have forced yourself to live during your affair. You're taking good steps. Keep going.

 

Good luck.

 

Thank you, BetrayedH, for so eloquently saying what I was going to say. I agree with all of this.

 

Ampersand, I am a reconciled WS. I told my H about my A and I have no doubt in my mind that we would not be together at this point without complete honesty and open communication. And unfortunately that cannot happen if there is a secret this huge between you.

[BetrayedH]

Thank you, BetrayedH, for so eloquently saying what I was going to say. I agree with all of this.

 

Ampersand, I am a reconciled WS. I told my H about my A and I have no doubt in my mind that we would not be together at this point without complete honesty and open communication. And unfortunately that cannot happen if there is a secret this huge between you.

 

It took a lot of courage on your part to fix things the way that you did and you demonstrate the same courage today by posting here.

 

I don't much believe in the concept of good and bad people. There are good and bad decisions. We all make them. With an affair, I think the question becomes about when you stop making the poor decisions and start making good ones. In my mind, the sooner, the better. Stories like yours continue to inspire me that true remorse and true forgiveness (and thus true reconciliations) are very much possible and a beautiful thing when they happen. It shows me that an affair doesn't have to define a person or a marriage. If the original poster starts making the right decisions today, he starts toward an authentic and better life today. Thanks for having the courage to stick around here and set the example when the opportunity arises. I wish my ex had had the same courage; it's sad how rare it is.

[Bittersweetie]

It took a lot of courage on your part to fix things the way that you did and you demonstrate the same courage today by posting here.

 

I don't much believe in the concept of good and bad people. There are good and bad decisions. We all make them. With an affair, I think the question becomes about when you stop making the poor decisions and start making good ones. In my mind, the sooner, the better. Stories like yours continue to inspire me that true remorse and true forgiveness (and thus true reconciliations) are very much possible and a beautiful thing when they happen. It shows me that an affair doesn't have to define a person or a marriage. If the original poster starts making the right decisions today, he starts toward an authentic and better life today. Thanks for having the courage to stick around here and set the example when the opportunity arises. I wish my ex had had the same courage; it's sad how rare it is.

 

Sorry for being off-topic a bit...

 

Thank you so much for saying this, it truly means a lot. I even got a little teary-eyed (though that may be the baby hormones!).

[waterwoman]

I have been thinking about this a lot and I think there is another element in withholding the information.

 

I had a brief EA at work many many years ago. It came to nothing when OM suddenly out-of-the-blue took it way beyond my comfort zone and told me he was in love with me, was leaving his gf and was prepared to wait for me to divorce H! He didn't see me for dust and I left the job within 3 months.

 

I never told H - to be honest it was just a bit of flirting, a lot of significant glances, some hand-holding and that was it and I was not up for anything more. But my memories of the affair remained rainbow coloured and they were a place for me to retreat to when we had arguments or difficulties of any kind. I didn't have to deal with my real partner when I had this idealised adoring partner in my head as a substitute. I could sort of say to H in my head - "Ya boo sucks to you! Someone else thinks I'm amazing so why should I care what you think ?" when of course my fantasy man always remained perfect and appreciative. It made it easier to avoid dealing with issues that I should have.

 

When I found out about H's affair my pain helped to bring his little dream down to earth - yes he loved her, and yes she loved him and yes she told him he was 'the man for her' but, set up in opposition to the misery and sense of betrayal of someone he still loved deeply, none of that lasted more than a few weeks. It's like enjoying wearing fur or eating pate de foie gras and then seeing the reality of it's production.... it doesn't feel so good to wear or taste so nice after that.

 

Don't leave you affair tucked away in your heart as a happy memory for just you alone if you truly want to reconcile. The truth could be an amazing tool to get you two talking and communicating properly.

[nofool4u]

Can I do this without telling her about the A?

 

Nope. And here is why.

 

1) You will not have suffered the real consequence of your actions to help keep you from doing this again.

 

2) By not telling her, any work on the marriage will be felt by her as her sole responsibility. What I mean by this is, if you talk to her and tell her all the things that is wrong, you will more than likely have her believing that SHE is the one that needs to put forth the most effort, or that she is to blame for your issues, when you need to work on just as much, if not more.

In other words she won't know what it is about you that needs to change.

 

3) Sometimes, I believe, a WS needs to have the sh** scared out of them and fear losing that which is, or should be, most important to them to snap out of it and get over the affair partner. Because as long as you can "get away" with this, you won't fear losing anything except the OW.

 

 

There are going to be a couple of our resident cheaters come in this thread and tell you no good will come of being honest with your wife. If so, I urge you to read their back story, and you'll realize, their mindset isn't working real well for them, with the exception of one that successfully got his wife to agree to an open marriage after the fact. And even then the animosity towards his BS is all too obvious.

[Realist3]

Sure you can regain that spark without telling her. I doubt you told her about every encounter you had before you met.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I think you should keep it to yourself and take it to your grave. I believe and have read and heard that it is a selfish thing to do to tell your partner. Why tell? To clear your conscience? And what will that do to her? Just read on here how the BS feels when D-day hits. Why do that to her if the affair is over? It will cause possibly years of heartache for her. I think you should just pour yourself into your marriage 100% and work on yourself and become the kind of man and husband you should be and save your wife from your dirty secret and never go down that road again.

 

It's selfish to keep that information to yourself. You are hiding your own ego from vulnerability, manipulating your partner into staying with someone who has presented a false image of them self. Yes you need to clear your conscience, and let them know who you are, proving you are honest and willing to work to make things better.

D-Day goes so much better if it is because of the WS confessing. Make it "Disclosure Day" not "Discovery Day". Discovery days are especially horrible. On my "disclosure day" we made love. When I had 2 "discovery days" later on (she hadn't told the truth about the scope), things were very explosive.

[ampersand]

Thank you for the many perspectives. Lately it is eating me up like the telltale heart. I don't think I can hold it in much longer.

 

j'adore - it's ironic that a "resident cheater" would provide such resonant advice but "no relationship without intimacy" is exactly how I feel right now. Unfortunately, that intimacy is with the OW.

 

Can anyone share their perspective on just how deep is the affair fog? I have a bond with my wife but I have never felt the sense of admiration and deep friendship I feel with my OW. Is it the dopamine talking?

 

I worry that we lack some of the core compatibility traits like intellectual interests and energy level. I've filled this in the past with friends and independent pursuits but I am increasingly looking for that in my partner - and I'm afraid it just isn't there.

[BetrayedH]

Thank you for the many perspectives. Lately it is eating me up like the telltale heart. I don't think I can hold it in much longer.

 

j'adore - it's ironic that a "resident cheater" would provide such resonant advice but "no relationship without intimacy" is exactly how I feel right now. Unfortunately, that intimacy is with the OW.

 

Can anyone share their perspective on just how deep is the affair fog? I have a bond with my wife but I have never felt the sense of admiration and deep friendship I feel with my OW. Is it the dopamine talking?

 

I worry that we lack some of the core compatibility traits like intellectual interests and energy level. I've filled this in the past with friends and independent pursuits but I am increasingly looking for that in my partner - and I'm afraid it just isn't there.

 

I think a lot of "incompatibility" issues are really just a failure on one or both partners to really invest in the interests of their partner. We do a lot of it when we are dating and the next thing you know, you're watching TV in separate rooms so you can each enjoy your personal favorite.

 

There are a lot of things I don't like about his books but Dr Harley really stresses the need to proactively spend serious amounts of time providing each other with "undivided time and attention." He recommends 15 hours a week. His book called,

 

His Needs, Her Needs

 

is very good in helping us understand that a marriage will die if it is not tended and it will thrive when you seriously invest in it. The players themselves are almost irrelevant.

[veryhappy]

Can anyone share their perspective on just how deep is the affair fog? I have a bond with my wife but I have never felt the sense of admiration and deep friendship I feel with my OW. Is it the dopamine talking?

 

I worry that we lack some of the core compatibility traits like intellectual interests and energy level. I've filled this in the past with friends and independent pursuits but I am increasingly looking for that in my partner - and I'm afraid it just isn't there.

 

I don't believe in A fog.

 

You can make a list of things you want from a R based on your A experience and discuss that with your W, but you then need to stop looking back. Comparing, wanting to find another woman in your wife is a recipe for disaster. Focus on what you can have with your wife, not how you can make herbe the fOW. Asking for spending time is okay, asking her to dye her hair the fOW color is not. You get the point. I anticipate your W will laugh at your need to be admired and looked at adoringly. You can ask for appreciation for what you do, that sounds more realistic. Some "good boy" pat on the back or a hug.

 

Yes, you will be grieving the loss, but you need to unstuck your mind from staying in two places wanting two different things. You can't have both, grieve that and move on.

[woinlove]

 

Can anyone share their perspective on just how deep is the affair fog? I have a bond with my wife but I have never felt the sense of admiration and deep friendship I feel with my OW. Is it the dopamine talking?

 

Only you know if you are still in the infatuation, idealization phase of how you think about the OW. This can happen with or without an A, but in an A, usually because of the constraints of pretending to be in a monogamous M, your time is split, you have less external feedback of the situation from family and friends, and the infatuation phase can last significantly longer.

 

Some WS show a striking evolution of how they view the OW and the BS with time, starting from just before the A starts, through the A, and after the A. Some get back to viewing the BS and M similarly to how they did when they were happily monogamous, and come to see the A as a diversion which was a bad choice. In those cases, affair fog is a simple way to capture their temporary perspective. Some get a wakeup call when they stand to lose their M and then realize that they don't want to.

[Decorative]

Helen Fisher gives a TED educational speech on brain chemicals in the early attachment stage of a relationship . Affairs stall out in that phase for longer because they don't have reality testing. That stage is what people are seeing as the fog.

 

If you have an IPhone, there's an app that has a catalogue of TED speeches and instruction. They also have a website.

 

[JamesM]

Yes, you may be able to regain the "spark" without telling her.

 

And you may even have a seemingly wonderful marriage.

 

BUT...if you still have any flickering of a flame for your OW, then it is very possible that this flame could turn into a destructive fire that burns out your marriage.

 

And the spark of your marriage can easily be extinguished if something comes along from your past to pour water on it.

 

It is not about getting the spark back. It is about turning that spark into a warm and continually burning fire.

 

Honestly is best. Hiding your past leaves it always available to grab again. As long as the OW has a place in your heart, then you will never have enough room for your wife, too. Give your wife your whole heart, or not at all.