Estate Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 Hi, So this is something I've come up with again and again. I wrote a thread last week about the girl with the boyfriend. Long story short, she had a boyfriend, didn't tell me and when it became a bit more apparent to me she started becoming distant and not responding when I was trying to get in touch. I tried asking her in a message about it but there was no reply. She never bothered to get in touch or tell me... or even just break things off. She just tried to disappear as if I'd just "forget" I had been dating someone. The last girl I dated, same thing. We were pretty serious, she was hooking up with other guys I learned later but in the late stages she just stopped talking to me. She never broke it off, she just stopped talking to me like I didn't exist. Before that was a 2 year relationship. She stopped talking to me for about a week then I got an email that just said "We're finished" and then she disappeared... I never saw or heard from her again. I just find this dispicable. You just don't do it. If you are breaking things off with someone, even if you don't want to say why, at least be adult enough to just tell them you're out of the relationship rather than leading them on and letting them think they are still in one when clearly the aren't. If it was just the occassional person who'd do such a thing I'd get it, they just aren't people I want to know anyway... but this has been the rule rather than the exception in any relationships I've had. I just don't get it... is this really ok way to act? I mean, if I'm seeing someone I obviously have some feelings towards that person. How does someone just wake up one day and pretend they do not exist? I just can't. I don't get it. 3
Imajerk17 Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 (edited) I agree that it is despicable. How did you meet these girls? One thing I will note though: You seemed passive about how you handled the recent girl. This guy was "claiming" her and from what you wrote on here, you hardly said anything to her about it. Next time I think you need to say something, and if things don't change, end it first. Edited December 16, 2012 by Imajerk17 1
Author Estate Posted December 16, 2012 Author Posted December 16, 2012 I agree that it is despicable. How did you meet these girls? One thing I will note: You seemed passive about how you handled the recent girl. This guy was "claiming" her and from what you wrote on here, you hardly said anything to her. Next time I think you need to say something, and if things don't change, end it first. Well, that's besides the point now. If she's with a guy behind my back or in this case, has a freakin' boyfriend... I won't be fighting for her. That's a pretty crappy person in my mind and I won't be fighting or competing with someone else. If someone is with me, then they are with me. I have no reason to compete with another guy, anyone I date should have more respect for me than that. 2
Imajerk17 Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 (edited) Well, that's besides the point now. If she's with a guy behind my back or in this case, has a freakin' boyfriend... I won't be fighting for her. That's a pretty crappy person in my mind and I won't be fighting or competing with someone else. If someone is with me, then they are with me. I have no reason to compete with another guy, anyone I date should have more respect for me than that. It is, but you could save yourself a lot of grief for next time if you call out bad behavior and if it doesn't change, end it first. What about "This guy is posting some pretty inappropriate stuff on your wall. I'm not cool with that" {a week later things not changing} "This doesn't look good. I'm out" You DIDN'T say that because you didn't want to rock the boat. You didn't want to look "inappropriate". See where that got you? If you had said those things you would have found out a lot more about where she was by her reaction, and she might have respected you more for having a backbone. But yes, I agree that the last girl you dated does suck. Edited December 16, 2012 by Imajerk17
todreaminblue Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 Hi, So this is something I've come up with again and again. I wrote a thread last week about the girl with the boyfriend. Long story short, she had a boyfriend, didn't tell me and when it became a bit more apparent to me she started becoming distant and not responding when I was trying to get in touch. I tried asking her in a message about it but there was no reply. She never bothered to get in touch or tell me... or even just break things off. She just tried to disappear as if I'd just "forget" I had been dating someone. The last girl I dated, same thing. We were pretty serious, she was hooking up with other guys I learned later but in the late stages she just stopped talking to me. She never broke it off, she just stopped talking to me like I didn't exist. Before that was a 2 year relationship. She stopped talking to me for about a week then I got an email that just said "We're finished" and then she disappeared... I never saw or heard from her again. I just find this dispicable. You just don't do it. If you are breaking things off with someone, even if you don't want to say why, at least be adult enough to just tell them you're out of the relationship rather than leading them on and letting them think they are still in one when clearly the aren't. If it was just the occassional person who'd do such a thing I'd get it, they just aren't people I want to know anyway... but this has been the rule rather than the exception in any relationships I've had. I just don't get it... is this really ok way to act? I mean, if I'm seeing someone I obviously have some feelings towards that person. How does someone just wake up one day and pretend they do not exist? I just can't. I don't get it. I ti swrong...i also feel it is wrong to say you have a boyfriend or girl friend when you dont..its easier just to be honest i find it hard to lie and look someone in the face...i have to look away to compose myself(most people show body language signs when they lie.....theres a reason for that you arent meant to lie and certainly m causes massive guilt......if i was dating soemoen i cant ignore them if they turn out to be wrong for me i let them know.....i tell them why.....i dont like doing it ...it hurts......i feel for them...how i get over it is I think they are lucky......because they can find someone who truly cares and i am a mess anyway so they are probably better off not having me around.......there is nothing worse than being with someone just for the sake of being with someone and not being attracted to them whole heartedly...to tell the truth i would rather be ignored.....then you move on.....its not nice...... but maybe that is why some girls do it to give the guy the best possible chance of moving on and the fact they cant face hurting someone......when i am really sick......i mean mentally i cant face hurting others...i wouldnt date someone if i had a boyfriend even when mentally ill i have not period...im not a multi dater for the specific reason you will always find qualities of two people you date to continue dating them.......i dont think its right and i think it causes problems when you begin to see you like two people not one...if i found myself in this situation of having two guys...i would let one go nto by ignorance but by honesty......and be with the guy who i truly meshed with......maybe those girls were multi daters..you need to fidn a girl who is into you adn only you......competing for affection is a depressing place to be...you always wonder if you are second best....i would avoid putting anyone in this position...i know what it feels like....to compete.....lol....im a little ocd with emotion....competition drives me nuts.....deb
MrCastle Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 You answered your own question in your title. It's the easy way out.
edgygirl Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 (edited) I also didn't get it until my last ex. I tried to be decent and give him closure and explain why I had to breakup. What did he do? At first, he accepted it. Then after a while he started to go insane and send me these crazy emails accusing me of sleeping with someone we both know (not true at all), accusing me of stringing him along (when in fact I told him all along I did not fall for him and was trying to see if it would happen if we spend more time together)... It got to a point where I had to do reverse N/C and cut him off completely. Even when you like someone dearly (as I did him), it's really emotionally draining to have to deal with someone who is healing. I am no insensitive biatch, but people should do their healing by themselves instead of clinging to their exes and turning their life into hell trying to make them feel bad for breaking up. I think that's why lots of people cut it off so they don't have to deal with the down spiral hell of a post-breakup. Now I understand i.e. why one of my exes was my best friend one day and cut me off the next. What good would it do for him (OR me) to stick by and hear me cry for 3 months non stop? I think everyone should explain the real reasons they're breaking up with someone, but cutting off relations until the other part heals is the best thing to do, for both parties involved. Edited December 16, 2012 by edgygirl
Author Estate Posted December 16, 2012 Author Posted December 16, 2012 Edgygirl.... That is totally off topic... you broke up with a guy and told him what's up, then had to stop responding to his behaviour. I'm talking about breaking up with someone BY ignoring them. i.e. I was never borken up with, they just figured if they stopped talking to me then that was enough... it's spineless. 1
edgygirl Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 Oh okay sorry if I got it wrong thought it would help. Yes doing that is totally unacceptable.
edgygirl Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 On the other hand, I think people do it to avoid having to deal with this kind of drama that might entail, as I described in my post.
sweetkiwi Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 That's lame OP. sorry man. I've never done that. Nor will i. I hope you find better quality people in your future.
Eddie Edirol Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 Edgygirl.... That is totally off topic... you broke up with a guy and told him what's up, then had to stop responding to his behaviour. I'm talking about breaking up with someone BY ignoring them. i.e. I was never borken up with, they just figured if they stopped talking to me then that was enough... it's spineless. I think that if this was done to you three times in a row, then there were either hints or behavior that you did pick up on, or you are extra clingy. Whatever the case, if this was done to you 3 times in a row, I think its something youre doing wrong. Its pretty weird that 3 different personalities felt like they needed to ignore you in the same way.
truth_seeker Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 On the other hand, I think people do it to avoid having to deal with this kind of drama that might entail, as I described in my post. I think by blowing someone off without an explanation CREATES drama. It can go both ways actually depending on the person. If you break up with someone whether in person or over the phone, by text, if they're fragile or have anger issues, it will cause drama. If you blow someone off who is level-headed, down to earth and rational, you're going to have them searching for answers. I guess the best way to approach is to understand the person's personality and go with which ever route suits best. 2
truth_seeker Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 I think that if this was done to you three times in a row, then there were either hints or behavior that you did pick up on, or you are extra clingy. Whatever the case, if this was done to you 3 times in a row, I think its something youre doing wrong. Its pretty weird that 3 different personalities felt like they needed to ignore you in the same way. There is a pattern... he's got a point.
annabelle26 Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 i have ignored the odd facebook message from guys who have been interested but who i barely know/ have had very little to do with. i think THAT is the only time it is acceptable to ignore someone if you're not interested. a guy id dated for about a month earlier in the year - everything seemed to be going really great, we'd slept together a few times, sex was great, still saw eachother a few times after that. then one day he drops off the face of the earth. literally, poof. vanished. i messaged him a few weeks later to apologise for anything i did to offend him that i was unaware of & said perhaps in future just let girls down instead of completely ignoring them. still havent heard from him to this day. it still bothers me sometimes as i will never truly know what happened. i think its incredibly bad mannered and rude. i think the annoying thing is is that it gets the apparently dumped person questioning themselves and overthinking what they said or did wrong. its horrible.
suladas Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 Happened to me to, it is a piss off. The worst part is we still see each other all the time, how can someone expect to disappear like that? I got the break up talk a few days later after texting a few times asking what was going on. Their explanation was they didn't want to get into a big discussion about it. Which is BS like I said, you don't even have to give a reason it could be as short as "it's over". But I did call them out on it later, and said how it is not ok to do that to someone.
stillafool Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 OP, unfortunately that is the way people handle things these days. They do not want to confront anyone. It is so flaky and I know how you feel. When they ignore you the best and only thing you can do is ignore them back. 1
mortensorchid Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 Ignoring someone is the easy way out. They think over time you will just get the message and leave them. And yet, it makes the other party crazy when they are ignored and that's when things can get hysterical (literally). The best way is to nip it in the bud and say "I don't want to see you any more because of (reason)." But this girl sounds horrible no matter how you paint a picture of her. You're better off without her. 1
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