Javabear Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 I saw my ex yesterday for what I think will be the last time for a very long time. He had stuff at my place which he neglected to pick up (a subconscious tie to me so that his decision to leave me didn't have to be final) so I brought it to him because I couldn't stand to have it here anymore. Before I went to see him I sent him an email. After the terrible tragedy in Connecticut two days ago I was reminded of the extreme fragility of life. I was holding on to anger and resentment towards him for breaking up with me because he liked someone else and if, heaven forbid, something should happen to me or to him I could never forgive myself if I didn't let go of these negative feelings. So I told him that. I told him that it's not his fault that he fell out love with me; that just happens. I said that I guess it just wasn't in the cards for us that that's okay. Lastly, I wished him well and apologized for not being strong enough to say all of this sooner. I was trying to do the right thing, be the bigger person and, even though my heart is so incredibly broken, let him know that I still care. He didn't respond (which doesn't surprise me) but when I saw him he said, "I got your email. Thank you." Well... you're welcome? God. My ex is the type of person who, when he is hurt or upset or sad, pushes all of these emotions far, far away where he doesn't have to feel them. He puts on a smile and pretends he's okay. And as much as I know that this type of personality is toxic to a relationship, what we had was really, truly beautiful because I was the one person he was able to open up to and I miss it more than anything. When we broke up he stopped talking to me immediately because his friends told him that was the only way for me to heal. But when we did talk he told me that the first week he spent every day regretting his decision. And then I suppose the guilt and regret was just too much so he buried it. I have no reason to talk to him anymore. All of his stuff is gone, he is gone... and I am so incredibly sad. Our breakup was almost three months ago and while I was doing better for a while, I'm not right now. I don't know who he is anymore; he is distant and cold towards me which I believe is his way of not feeling the pain. But he didn't even thank me for packing up his stuff and bringing it to him. I know he didn't want to end our relationship, but he had to. A lot of things happened in his life all at once and I think he got overwhelmed. And this new girl... they're not even boyfriend and girlfriend. I'm sure he likes her, but he doesn't love her the way he loved me in the beginning. I know that first loves are essentially ticking time bombs and clearly his commitment wasn't there if he could leave me after three years the way he did... but I just can't let go of that little sliver of hope that someday he'll break out of the fog that he's living in and realize that I was the best thing that ever happened to him and that we were meant for each other. It makes no logical sense for me to still love him, he's told me a hundred different ways that he's moved on, but I just can't believe it. I know I sound crazy, and this is already too long... but my heart is broken and I am so, so sad.
na49 Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 You and him were meant for each other just like the rest of us were meant to be together with our exes forever. Our relationships were so great, why did they leave us? There's no way anyone could have treated them better than we treated them! Think of it like this. I've been doing this and it's helped me somewhat. We did everything we could didn't we? We treated our ex well, always had good intentions, may not have been perfect but then again no one is. Well if we did everything we could and it still wasn't enough, then it's not on us anymore. The reality is that we obviously weren't "the one" for them and "the one" for us is still out there so instead of feeling heartbroken forever we need to go out and meet them. Also if we wait for them to "wake up" we'll never EVER move on. That's probably why your heart is breaking. Realize that he had a life before you, and he is allowed to live his life without you. If he's miserable crying every day, he'll come back. If he's seeing other people, he's allowed to do that now. Our exes don't owe us anything anymore, and we don't owe them anything either. NC is obvious, you don't need to update yourself on new people that he is seeing or see how much he is LOVING his new life without you in it. That stuff will only hurt you more. Don't talk to him either. AT ALL. You're hurting, we all are. But you can do this. You're definitely strong enough to move past this if you want to. 1
Author Javabear Posted December 16, 2012 Author Posted December 16, 2012 I know. If it was really meant to be he wouldn't have left. And I know that I should not contact him anymore, and as I said, I have no reason to. But the thing that still hits me so hard everyday is that I miss who he was and who we were. I miss every second of the good times and they are overpowering the cold-hearted person he has suddenly become. I can't think back fondly on our relationship without wishing it was still that way.
jbsoccer Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 Javabear.. it really does suck. It sounds like you loved him a lot. Just be thankful for the good times. Im going through something similar... except i broke up with my gf and pushed her away... Now i cant get her back. I know its hard but this isnt your fault. Its his. It hurts like hell but it will get better.
jbsoccer Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 Javabear.. it really does suck. It sounds like you loved him a lot. Just be thankful for the good times. Im going through something similar... except i broke up with my gf and pushed her away... Now i cant get her back. I know its hard but this isnt your fault. Its his. It hurts like hell but it will get better.
Author Javabear Posted December 16, 2012 Author Posted December 16, 2012 jbsoccer, when you broke up with your girlfriend did you say things like, "I'm not in love with you anymore, I've moved on, it's over" etc. etc. ? And did you mean them at the time? If so, what made you realize that you wanted her back? I think that my ex is too stubborn and closed off to ever admit that he made a mistake so while I can hope for it all I want, I don't think it will happen. I'm just wondering what makes people's feelings change and fluctuate and what finally brings clarity? I feel like my feelings don't change that way. I could have gone on loving that boy forever because that's just my personality type... I'm loyal to a fault. But I know that everybody is different so maybe you can enlighten me to the other side of the story?
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