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Urgent - Sudden change in girl's behaviour

itwm2012

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itwm2012

itwm2012

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This is my first post on this forum. I'm going through some issues with a girl and needed your advice (English is not my first language, so I apologize in advance for any grammatical errors)

 

So I have been working with this girl at the same place since the last 6 months. Initially I didn't notice her much. However, over time, we started having lunch together and our friendship built over time. Once we had to travel to another city for a party with our office team there. We became very friendly during that party (lots of jokes etc). She even introduced me to her friends who had come to the same club to meet her (Didn't introduce anyone else to them).

 

After we came back to our city, we became more friendly. Once I was dropping her and another colleague home (as it was late), she suggested we go out to have a bite. We (she and I) went out and had a great time - talked about our education, family, previous workplace etc. We went out again the same week for dinner and had a good chat. Then we went out in a group and had a blast.

 

The next week she went for a weekend getaway with friends. The day she came back she looked really stressed. In the evening, one of her friends invited her to a poetry recital and she asked casually if I'd like to go along. While we were driving to that place, I asked her how the vacation was and she said she had actually gone there with her bf and caught him two timing her with another woman (messages etc). She said the relationship was over a couple of months ago but this time it was definitely done. We had a good time at the recital and went out a couple of times again in the same week.

 

After this, she went back home to be with her parents for a week (annual vacation). During this time, we exchanged a lot of friendly messages - nothing serious. Just jokes etc. We kept nicknames for each other and used those in the messages.

 

When she was coming back, I offered to pick her up at the airport. She initially refused but then agreed (we had a problem in the city that day). The same day we went out for dinner and dropped her home. She was unwell so I texted her to take medicine to which she replied "Thanks for your concern, it's comforting." After that we went out 3 times in the same week again.

 

The next week got better. We went out 5 times for dinner (once with a colleague) and she told me a lot of stuff about her parents, ex-bf, sister etc and asked me a lot of personal stuff as well. She also showed me all the places she had lived when we were driving back (took a long detour).

 

I didn't meet her on Sunday that week as she had some meditational stuff to do but we chatted on whatsapp. Over these two weeks, she had also started actively messaging me. Stuff like "I'm making xyz sit on your seat while you're away" and sweet talk etc.

 

But on Monday things suddenly changed. She appeared very distant and refused my offer for a dinner. I dropped her home but she told me stuff like "You do so much social service by dropping us", "why do you waste so much gas", "you must clearly like driving a lot". Over the week, she kept making excuses for not going out with me. She stopped using nicknames in texts. She did tell me though that her ex-bf tried to re-initiate contact but she told him to move on.

 

I tried confronting her but she said everything was ok. I was disturbed so I texted her and tried to get an answer but she said everything was ok.

 

This week she was in another city for work until Wednesday. I didn't message her and she didn't reply back either. The office had set up a trip to a hill station on Thursday and Friday. We were supposed to go together on my car (along with a couple of other colleagues) even though there were buses arranged to get people there and back.

 

I asked the other colleagues who agreed to go with me. One of them was a girl whom she was close to and the colleague told me that she will come along as well.

 

But she missed her flight back home and called me for the PAs number. Also asked me if it was ok with me that she would come in my car. But the conversation was very weird and awkward.

 

During the trip, she was clearly avoiding me. At the party, when we were left alone, she just walked off and started chatting to another guy. They went to a corner and had a 15-20 min chat. I was shocked at this behaviour and was obviously jealous. Even the next day she was avoiding me and at the party danced with this guy again. However, since our hotel was away from the main venue, she used to travel to the venue on my car.

 

(Something strange happened though: When she was nominated for the most beautiful girl in office and they asked her a question, she referenced to me in the answer which was a bit strange. Once again when people were sitting around and dedicating / singings songs to people, she said we should sing a song for me as well

 

While coming back home, she just said "let's leave a little early". I mean she just assumed that she'd go with me! On the way back she was again barely speaking with me while she was ok with the other colleagues in the car.

 

I confronted her on texts again but she said "Why are you suddenly thinking so much. Things are ok! Chill". But clearly they are not!

 

I don't understand the sudden change - she was very warm before but has completely cooled off.

 

Can someone please tell me what just happened and how do I deal with this? I'm really depressed as she's only the second girl I've liked in this way in a long time (after my first and only gf. I'm in my mid 20s).

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ascendotum

ascendotum

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Hi, would really appreciate aby advice on this.

what do you reckon the chances are she's back on with her bf. He was able to explain away the txt msgs she discovered and he says how much he still loves her, blah blah. Now she has backed off on you, just before it was going to heat up. It sucks when things are bubbling along really well with a girl you like and suddenly her personality changes. Ask her outright is she back on with her bf. She should be honest with you and not go aloof as you really started to invest your time & emotions in her.

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itwm2012

itwm2012

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what do you reckon the chances are she's back on with her bf. He was able to explain away the txt msgs she discovered and he says how much he still loves her, blah blah. Now she has backed off on you, just before it was going to heat up. It sucks when things are bubbling along really well with a girl you like and suddenly her personality changes. Ask her outright is she back on with her bf. She should be honest with you and not go aloof as you really started to invest your time & emotions in her.

 

Thanks for your reply. She isn't back with him for sure. Also I have tried asking her many times about her change in behaviour but she says nothing's wrong and acts all normal. Normally I am not that good at reading people but I thought I saw some signs from her - sweet nicknames, jokes, the way she looked at me, sharing personal stuff, showing me places where she lived etc. All of that has disappeared. I have tried avoiding her at work since the past two days but it barely seems to affect her.

 

Its like we went out everyday for 2 weeks and now I have to make an effort to even speak to her. :(

 

I actually care about her and can wait until she's ready but her recent behaviour makes me doubt whether she knows my feelings or even cares for me.

Edited by itwm2012
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Cutiepie1976

Cutiepie1976

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Sorry, but she's probably back with her boyfriend. She calmed down after her initial outrage. He apologized and won her back. Made her feel special. Swore it was nothing, he'd never do it again, yadda yadda yadda. She forgave him because she loves him and misses him. It happens.

 

She probably said things about him after their breakup that led you to believe he was a total douche bag and toast for being a complete jerk. People say lots of things when they are angry, hurt, and upset, only some of it true. You have to take these things with a very large grain of salt, especially when love is involved. The more likely reality is he's probably only a semi-douche bag some of the time, but even more important than that, he's the cheating semi-douche bag she loves.

 

When words and actions are incongruent, focus on actions. Obviously, things have changed despite what she might be saying to you. She has distanced herself. You should do likewise. Let her go. Get on with your life and finding someone else. You'll meet someone who'll return your love. Just give it time.:)

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plainjane79

plainjane79

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This is my first post on this forum. I'm going through some issues with a girl and needed your advice (English is not my first language, so I apologize in advance for any grammatical errors)

 

So I have been working with this girl at the same place since the last 6 months. Initially I didn't notice her much. However, over time, we started having lunch together and our friendship built over time. Once we had to travel to another city for a party with our office team there. We became very friendly during that party (lots of jokes etc). She even introduced me to her friends who had come to the same club to meet her (Didn't introduce anyone else to them).

 

After we came back to our city, we became more friendly. Once I was dropping her and another colleague home (as it was late), she suggested we go out to have a bite. We (she and I) went out and had a great time - talked about our education, family, previous workplace etc. We went out again the same week for dinner and had a good chat. Then we went out in a group and had a blast.

 

The next week she went for a weekend getaway with friends. The day she came back she looked really stressed. In the evening, one of her friends invited her to a poetry recital and she asked casually if I'd like to go along. While we were driving to that place, I asked her how the vacation was and she said she had actually gone there with her bf and caught him two timing her with another woman (messages etc). She said the relationship was over a couple of months ago but this time it was definitely done. We had a good time at the recital and went out a couple of times again in the same week.

 

After this, she went back home to be with her parents for a week (annual vacation). During this time, we exchanged a lot of friendly messages - nothing serious. Just jokes etc. We kept nicknames for each other and used those in the messages.

 

When she was coming back, I offered to pick her up at the airport. She initially refused but then agreed (we had a problem in the city that day). The same day we went out for dinner and dropped her home. She was unwell so I texted her to take medicine to which she replied "Thanks for your concern, it's comforting." After that we went out 3 times in the same week again.

 

The next week got better. We went out 5 times for dinner (once with a colleague) and she told me a lot of stuff about her parents, ex-bf, sister etc and asked me a lot of personal stuff as well. She also showed me all the places she had lived when we were driving back (took a long detour).

 

I didn't meet her on Sunday that week as she had some meditational stuff to do but we chatted on whatsapp. Over these two weeks, she had also started actively messaging me. Stuff like "I'm making xyz sit on your seat while you're away" and sweet talk etc.

 

But on Monday things suddenly changed. She appeared very distant and refused my offer for a dinner. I dropped her home but she told me stuff like "You do so much social service by dropping us", "why do you waste so much gas", "you must clearly like driving a lot". Over the week, she kept making excuses for not going out with me. She stopped using nicknames in texts. She did tell me though that her ex-bf tried to re-initiate contact but she told him to move on.

 

I tried confronting her but she said everything was ok. I was disturbed so I texted her and tried to get an answer but she said everything was ok.

 

This week she was in another city for work until Wednesday. I didn't message her and she didn't reply back either. The office had set up a trip to a hill station on Thursday and Friday. We were supposed to go together on my car (along with a couple of other colleagues) even though there were buses arranged to get people there and back.

 

I asked the other colleagues who agreed to go with me. One of them was a girl whom she was close to and the colleague told me that she will come along as well.

 

But she missed her flight back home and called me for the PAs number. Also asked me if it was ok with me that she would come in my car. But the conversation was very weird and awkward.

 

During the trip, she was clearly avoiding me. At the party, when we were left alone, she just walked off and started chatting to another guy. They went to a corner and had a 15-20 min chat. I was shocked at this behaviour and was obviously jealous. Even the next day she was avoiding me and at the party danced with this guy again. However, since our hotel was away from the main venue, she used to travel to the venue on my car.

 

(Something strange happened though: When she was nominated for the most beautiful girl in office and they asked her a question, she referenced to me in the answer which was a bit strange. Once again when people were sitting around and dedicating / singings songs to people, she said we should sing a song for me as well

 

While coming back home, she just said "let's leave a little early". I mean she just assumed that she'd go with me! On the way back she was again barely speaking with me while she was ok with the other colleagues in the car.

 

I confronted her on texts again but she said "Why are you suddenly thinking so much. Things are ok! Chill". But clearly they are not!

 

I don't understand the sudden change - she was very warm before but has completely cooled off.

 

Can someone please tell me what just happened and how do I deal with this? I'm really depressed as she's only the second girl I've liked in this way in a long time (after my first and only gf. I'm in my mid 20s).

 

I wouldn't say that she's definitely back with her boyfriend, but maybe she's still sorting out her feelings with respect to that relationship, now that it's over. She was betrayed by this guy and has to adjust to single-hood as well as process the demise of her relationship. Probably not a good time for her to continue opening up and become vulnerable to a new love interest, you know?

 

She is clearly backing away for some reason and I doubt that pushing her to admit anything is going to fix anything. People pull away when they want space and don't want to have to confront something. She knows that you're concerned about her and where you two stand, so just give her some space and let her sort her ish out, whatever it may be. IF you're as anal-retentive as I am, you can consider sending her an e-mail just saying that you realize she has been pulling away, and it's fine, and you are going to give her some space but she knows where to find you when she's sorted things out.

 

Then focus on your own life for awhile and see what happens.

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Imajerk17

Imajerk17

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You have to break it off with her. Send a text: "This isn't what I am looking for in a relationship so I am done". Then ignore her. Ironically that is your only chance (if there is any) of getting a straight answer from her.

 

This isn't really game-playing as you should not put up with this in a relationship. And putting up with this isn't doing either of you a favor. If she does come back to you, she won't respect you because she was just walking all over you for the past few weeks.

 

Sounds to me that she got back with her ex-boyfriend, and that she is the kind of person who hates confrontation and feeling like a bad person. (Yes I read your post where you said she isn't back with him "for sure". I don't buy that. How do you know?) So she won't tell you that she got back with her ex as it would go against everything she told you previously.

 

And if she truly isn't back with him (fat chance) there is another guy she has her eye on.

 

I get that PUA advice generally doesn't go well on this forum but I heard something quite apt from a PUA: "The amount a break-up hurts is the amount you sacrificed your self-respect to keep the relationship going".

Edited by Imajerk17
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itwm2012

itwm2012

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Thanks so much for all your replies.

 

She's definitely over the ex-bf. He said he can't marry her because of family pressure and she's basically given up on him.

 

It may be that she's got her eye on someone else. That seems the only reasonable explanation..

 

Let's see how it goes. For now, I'm not making her feel special as I used to. Will try to ignore her for a few days..

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Axee

Axee

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I somehow get the feeling that she is kinda angry with you on something..She might also be confused about your behaviour.. one never knows...

 

Is she expecting you to tell her something.. Or do something.. Think hard...

 

 

She wouldnt have mentioned the boyfriend to move on topic if she was really back with him..

 

Why dont you clear the air and talk to her , or ask her to be your gf or something...

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Axee

Axee

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When she said "You must like driving a lot " , maybe you should have said "I like driving YOU a lot " .... She is dropping hints, if my guess is right...

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itwm2012

itwm2012

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A quick update - I did the whole ignore thing on her these past few days. I got the feeling that she found it odd and tried to initiate a conversation a few times. Although it was very cold. All the warmth has gone away.

 

Although she did message to check if I was ok when I had taken a sick leave a couple of days ago.

 

It's very tough for me to ignore her. She sits right next to me and to be honest I still like her very much. I know this might not be the best way out, but worth giving it a last shot?

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charlietheginger

charlietheginger

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She was playing you all those months

She had a boyfriend and went on vacation

Had sex with him....

 

U my sir are whats called a doormatt

She whipes her emotional dirt all

Over your face and wants nothing

Physically from you....

 

When she relized you wanted more

Then to drive her around and listen

To her problems she whiped her feet

On your face...

 

Your a nice guy.... she likes the two timming

Cheating jerk guys...

 

Cut your loses save your kindness for

A women that wants it and is kind back

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itwm2012

itwm2012

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What you said also makes sense. But, I still think I should give it another shot.

 

Although I was always "uneasy" even when she used to go out with me (she is very social and has a large friend circle). I always felt that I'll lose her eventually.

 

This wasn't the case with my first gf - I never felt jealous or uneasy even when she hung out with other people. Things didn't work out but we're great friends even now.

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Pasttense

Pasttense

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Is there any possibility that she heard something bad about you or saw you acting very romantic to another girl or you said something to her that hurt her deeply?

 

If not I would agree with the other posters--that she got back with her ex, found someone else or is simply no longer interested--and it's time for you to look for another girl.

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