Cf0418 Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 Hi everyone. I recently found out that my fiancé of 6 years cheated on me with a "friend" of mine. She is now pregnant with his child and they are keeping it. How can I get through this? I mean I spent 6 years with the same person and now everything's gone and changed. I hope I can move on but right now everything seems hopeless. I know everything happens for a reason, but I don't know what the reason is yet. I am so hurt and destroyed. For those have experienced the same situation what helped you overcome this? And get over it?
Pinky777 Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 (edited) I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. The same exact thing happened to me, except we were married and the girl wasn't my friend. I was with my ex-h for 15 years. He told me he wanted out of our marriage but I didn't find out about the baby until months later. He lied. When he left she was already knocked up, he said they talked and decided to keep it and he moved in with her. Nice huh. It's a devastating thing to go though and it won't be easy. I cried nonstop for the first few weeks just trying to make sense of it all. Talk about it. Post here. See a therapist to help you cope. Spend time with friends and people that care about you, talk their ears off about it and stay busy. What helped me was knowing that I'd never, ever speak to him again once we got through the divorce process. What he did and what your fiance did is so disgusting and there's no going back from it. I grew to hate my ex and knowing that I deserved so much better than what he did to me strengthened my resolve to move on. There is no hope there, let him have his baby mama and be miserable. I had a clean slate and a new start ahead of me. You will move on to bigger and better things. I know it hurts, espeically in the beginning. It's devastating but unfortunately you're not the first person this has happened to and you wont be the last. It's just good you found out what kind of a person your ex is before you got married and had kids of your own. You will move on but it's a process. Lots of hugs, I know how hard this is. Edited December 16, 2012 by Pinky777
BUBS Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 I'm so sorry for what you are experiencing! I can relate slightly to your situation. My ex fiance cheated on me (we were together on and off for a little over 10 years) and left me for someone else. Though I am unsure as to whether a child is/will be involved, I can completely understand where you are coming from when it comes to the pain,rejection,finality,loss and so forth. I understand exactly what it feels like to think that you have at least one aspect of your life figured out (who you will marry and be with) and have the rug pulled from under you to realize you are on your own, and must now make decisions about who you want to be, and what you are going to have by yourself (against your will obviously). I am not entirely religious, but I pray for you, and anyone else who has invested so much time loving another human being only to be betrayed in such a horrible way. Please understand that you will go through the notions for a while and you have to be forgiving of yourself, and more importantly protect yourself from any further pain. This means blocking him out and her entirely, your brain has enough to process, you don't need to keep pouring salt in your wounds. Block them on social networking, delete numbers, go completely no contact. If you choose to look into their business you are only punishing yourself. I don't know how old you are, or really anything about you, and I know "look on the bright side" is certainly nothing that will ease your mind right now, just know that in many ways these things happen to often teach a lesson and force you out of your comfort zone so you can establish a personal identity and allow yourself to become capable of truly carrying on a long lasting healthy relationship. You have to do the foot work though (even if you get no emotional satisfaction from it) in order to get it. Right now you are suffering, we all are. It's absolutely horrible. You will have to deal with the greif of losing him, the grief that he did it in such a way where its almost unforgivable, the grief of having to establish a life on your own. You will have to deal with feeling of rejection, abandonment and a lack of trust towards relationships, but you have to face that pain head on and rise above it. This can either be a blessing or a curse, and while he left you no choice or power when it comes to whether your relationship could work, you have all of the power and choice when it comes to what you do next. Take time to greive and mourn, don't fall too deep into a rut. Surround yourself with people you know aren't going anywhere, and listen to your body at all times and give it what it needs. Consider yourself physically ill and treat it like so, plenty of rest,liquids, good healthy food and processing to heal. You will get through this, many people on these forums are going through the pain of divorce after investing 20-30 years with their significant others. For me I was almost envious of them in the beginning... I would rationalize "I deserved his last name! I deserved more time!" If he cheated on you after all of those years you committed to him, you have to see the character for what it is. You are holding onto the man you loved, rather than the man he actually is, he showed true colors by doing that. A real man after that length of time would have tried to communicate with you, or at the very least would have broken it off if he was considering being unfaithful or felt he couldn't provide to you 100%. You need to know you are much more deserving of love than what you have received and that if you learn from the mistakes you made and the red flags he threw up, you can continue to have enriching and successful relationships in the future. If you have insurance I'd advice absolutely getting yourself into therapy. If not, go to your local hospital and apply for charity care which will cover therapy, it takes an hour to do. You are going to need as much support as possible! Take care of yourself, you probably lost a great deal of yourself in the relationship, god knows I did, as a matter of fact I don't think I really was able to have my own personal identity before I got involved in him. So you have a long road ahead of you, just know you aren't alone and we are all coping. It's been 2 months since our official break up, and while I am not near 100%, I am thinking which much more clarity on most days and can see that it was not entirely my fault, that I made mistakes but that in the end I continued to try to make it work, whereas he did not. Let us know how you are coming along, and we will all continue to be there for you. Keep your chin up, and find out what really inspires you as an individual. Make lists of things you love, even little things that do nothing to help you figure out exactly what you want out of your life.
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