neverending Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 I have always been a pretty positive person, but i'm at my lowest point I have ever been in my life. I've been with my husband for a total of 20 years. He is a depressed individual and always has been since the day I met him. I always hoped if I was the wife he wanted and gave him everything he wanted he would be happy. The happiness would last a couple of days then he will be back in his depressed mood once again. After all this time I'm tired. I long for the emotional support and I'm tired of being alone. I work a stressful job and have told him many times I want a job where I work my 8 and I'm done. He enjoys the 6 figure income I make while he stays home and says he looks for a job. His job search has now turned into years. He states no one will hire him because he is not qualified. I don't care what he does for a living, but since we don't have children I feel he should have some type of job. My employer has since been purchased and there is stress everyday of them replacing management as this is a common practice. I keep stressing to him that he needs to prepare for me to loose my job and he needs to take a job even if it is fast food. He said no, I don't want to work that type of job and I should not ask him too. I struggle to understand why won't he make my life easier? I do whatever I can to make his life easier, why can't he do that for me. The last three years has been nonstop fighting talking of splitting up and then the next day he walks around like everything is ok. I see him to wonderful things for others, just not me. Are fights are horrible with him calling me names, throwing and breaking things. I tell him this is not right, he says we are fighting there are no rules. Well i never call him names. I'm at my witts end with this marriage, but can't figure out why I can't leave. The guilt is overwhelming to me for me to walk out the door. I worry who will take care of him if I leave and I don't want to hurt him. Why do I keep putting his feelings and needs before my own.
smog Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 Hey Neverending im really sorry to hear about your situation you sound like such a lovely person. It sounds to me as though your husband isnt taking responsibility for himself, his actions or his part in the relationship. Name calling and throwing/breaking things is never acceptable in a relationship, its ABUSE and nobody should have to put up with that! Depression as bad as it can be is treatable but is also a state of mind and it is 100% your husbands responsibility to sort it out not yours - as his partner you can be there to support him and encourage but never blame yourself for his issues. Personally I think his behaviour is unacceptable and will only continue this way until he takes a long hard look in the mirror - though its been going on so long now that it is very engrained in him. Some personal advice. I have just come out of marriage which lasted only three years but much like you my wife and I would have frequent arguments where I would be belittled and threatened with the end of our marriage each time. My wifess moods would go from hating me to loving me more than anything in world the next day acting as though nothing had ever happened. She would often instigate these arguments and then get funny when i wasnt ready to make up with her. It was emotional abuse and i was always left wondering what she was really feeling. It crushed me from the inside to think that somebody who loves you can do this to you - but ultimately this isnt love - its game playing and abuse. If someone threatens to leave you one minute and then acts like everything is fine the next that is a person who has deep issues and cant properly express themselves. ITS THEIR PROBLEM. You need to decide what you want deep down what is your gut telling you? This kind of abuse will eat you from the inside and if he does actually end up leaving you it will hurt you so badly. The reason you cant leave is because you are attached to him, you love him its a strong bond which is never easy to break. You would feels as though you are giving up on him and relationship. I imagine there is also the fear of the unknown and what your life will be without him. Always choose happiness not convinience. x
2.50 a gallon Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 I know it is scary considering going out on your own. We think that we will never have the recipe again, to find that magic to find some new in the future. Trust me you will, and he will be so much better You only have one life, it sounds like it is time for a change
Leaf9 Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 I'm in a similar situations, minus the verbal abuse. My husband doesn't work and I have a very good job. Just to throw in my two cents - do you ever think that you are enabling him to not act like an adult and take responsibility for himself? In my marriage that is one of my major concerns. I know I make enough money to support the both of us but I worry about what this is doing to him. Also, I believe it contributes to my husbands depression and lack of self worth, which leads to a host of other problems (including lack of motivation to go out and look for work). Maybe try looking at it form that perspective - is this good for him to continue like this? It could help alleviate some of your guilt in leaving if you are doing it for his best interests. Good luck and hang in there!
jf2good Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 Wow, I don't have an answer, but historically it has been the guy in the same situation, but with a wife who wouldn't work. This is why all alimony and the like "Old English Common Laws" need to be thrown out. You should never feel guilty over the poor choices made by others, but that is easier said than done.
pinkie Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 20 years is a long time to love someone who doesn't love or respect you back. The abuse has probably dwindled your self esteem to bits. Believe me when I say once you get fed up, you'll know what to do. However, prison should not be an option. Trust me, leaving is a hell of a lot easier than trying to explain self defense in a court of law. Stop feeling sorry for yourself this is no dress rehearsal. Misery is no way to live. Best of luck. 1
GuyInLimbo Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 Fear is holding you back, and it's totally natural. You haven't known anything different for 20 years! It's like skydiving...
Author neverending Posted December 22, 2012 Author Posted December 22, 2012 Thank you for all of the responses. We had another big blow up. He left for the night and told me not to bother to call him. I didn't, I went about my day and went to work the next day as I had a 14 hour day out of town and couldn't miss work. He called while I was at work. I said I can't talk right now, why are you calling me. We can talk tonight. I got home, he was here sleeping. The next day he acts as everything is normal and says I don't know what I did wrong. The biggest problem is I am alone. We maybe spend 10 mins together a day and we each live opposites lives. Him not working is an issue, but not the biggest. I'm tired of being alone, tired of not having the love and support I need. This is hard for me to admit because I'm very independent and didn't think I really needed those things because I knew from day one I would never have those things with him. I'm the only stable thing he's had in his life. He has a horrible family and has really been depressed from the beginning. Hes gone to the dr and gotten meds, but then stops taking them and says he's not a mental case. When he was gone for the night it was like any other night. We spend no time together. He shut me out of his life a long time ago. I know what the right thing to do is and I'm not afraid of being alone because I already am. I feel better when I'm away from this house and have my mind made up to leave but as soon as I see him my heart aches for him and the guilt is overwhelming. What in the hell is wrong with me?
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