Matfox Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 Prior to dating my ex, we were very important friends to each other, and we promised that if it ever ended, that we would still be friends. When we first started dating, I liked her a lot, but after 8 months or so, that like became something MUCH more. Call it love or what you wish. I realize it was stupid but, essentially I invested every bit of emotion I had to invest in this one girl. So after 13 months and a couple trips and ridiculous amounts of time with this person, she dumped me leaving little to no closure to help me cope. Being what most people would call soft\emotional\sensitive, it goes without saying that this break up seriously ****ed me up and have basically become a different person through this experience. So I haven't talked to her for 3 months, and the thing that is rotting at me is that she told me she wanted to be friends. I told her that I'm not ready yet. And the thing that bothers me, is that I don't know if I'll ever be ready. Every time I see her (she goes to my school) it hurts so much. Including pain in my chest that lasts for a couple hours afterwards (I don't think thats normal?). So to wrap this up, I feel like I'm throwing away a very important person in my life, but at the same time I think that if I was friends with her, it would really make me fall apart. What do I do?
mgce Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 Hi Matfox, I understand your situation well, and in your case it's unambiguously clear what you need to do. You need to stay 100% out of touch with her until seeing her doesn't cause you intense pain and doesn't disrupt you from going about your life. This trumps everything. As sad as the feeling is that you're "throwing away something special", the fundamental reality is that this person is a source of pain for you and you simply cannot continue inviting pain upon yourself and remain healthy. The true fact of the matter is that you're not throwing her away. You will be able to be in touch again, but it probably won't be for a very long time. You have no idea how long that time will be, nor should you worry about it (predicting the future is imposible). So don't try to predict the future. Focus on living your life today and going forward step by step as you're able. Know in your heart that *one* day you two can salvage the good that you had, but today is not that day, there's no rush to reach that day, and that day will come on its own accord long in the future without you even having to worry about how or when. There's a light at the end of the tunnel, but for now, whether you like it or not, you're just entering the tunnel and have to go through all of it. You don't know how long that tunnel is, nor do you need to. Just go with it. 2
KJBA2816 Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 This is my situation exactly, best friends, relationship, he ended it and now we are strangers and he has a new gf... he told me he would never get rid of me when we first got together and he loved me... blah blah blah. It didn't turn out that way, look after yourself first and make sure you are okay with seeing her before being friends. I do not think I can ever be friends with my 'best friend/ex boyfriend' after what he put me through.. shame.. 5/6 year friendship down the train because of his ignorant attitude and need to be with someone new every so often. Look out for yourself just now and do what you think is right and what you can cope with. much love x 1
rebelgirl86 Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 I must say that you should most definitely be friends. My husband and I met when we were 10 at camp, "dated" again the next year, and when I was at college talked at a party. It wasn't till about 4 years later that we actual dated and I couldn't be happier. I know that my story is not a common one, but I can tell you before my husband proposed I had already been praying for a sign that he was the one I was supposed.to marry. Having a friend you can count on is the base for a good re lationship. If you can't be friends then how can you expect to be more? I know that might sound very non specific but I can speak from experience, friends are the most important thing you can have....if it turns into more that's good but nothing can beat a good friend 1
soccerrprp Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 Matfox, I hear you, buddy! If it's that painful, you need to create some separation from her that simple. BUT, that also means doing what you can to move on and do for yourself and perhaps find another nice girl. I'm in a situation where i'm friends with an ex who I liked a lot. But, because I care about her deeply and want the best and, frankly, she needs some help, I remain a friend. We get together, hang out, make plans with kids, etc. I do it because I'm a man of my word. I told her that I would be supportive no matter what and darn it, that is what I'm doing! We're both much older and more mature about things, but rebelgirl86 has it right for the most part. There's nothing like a good friend. Things may change, but that's not why you do it. That's my story and perspective. Do what is best for you. Good luck!
GlendiexElsewhere Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 Prior to dating my ex, we were very important friends to each other, and we promised that if it ever ended, that we would still be friends. When we first started dating, I liked her a lot, but after 8 months or so, that like became something MUCH more. Call it love or what you wish. I realize it was stupid but, essentially I invested every bit of emotion I had to invest in this one girl. So after 13 months and a couple trips and ridiculous amounts of time with this person, she dumped me leaving little to no closure to help me cope. Being what most people would call soft\emotional\sensitive, it goes without saying that this break up seriously ****ed me up and have basically become a different person through this experience. So I haven't talked to her for 3 months, and the thing that is rotting at me is that she told me she wanted to be friends. I told her that I'm not ready yet. And the thing that bothers me, is that I don't know if I'll ever be ready. Every time I see her (she goes to my school) it hurts so much. Including pain in my chest that lasts for a couple hours afterwards (I don't think thats normal?). So to wrap this up, I feel like I'm throwing away a very important person in my life, but at the same time I think that if I was friends with her, it would really make me fall apart. What do I do? I personally would not be friends with her just yet emotionally you don't seem prepared for it though it might seem that your throwing something special away ... sometimes its not that case. In my experience it's best to take yourself out of that type of situation. It's going to be painful ... you'll feel like you can't breath & you'll feel like your stomach is recoiling inside of you. It's never easy to let go of someone you love but know that you will move on and when you can finally look at that person and feel no sick feeling or pain you might be able to be friends. try not to look for her in a crowd, visit new places, surround yourself with people that you trust & make you laugh. Trying to cope is hard and finding a process that works for you is important. I wish you best good luck
Renard99 Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 I must say that you should most definitely be friends. My husband and I met when we were 10 at camp, "dated" again the next year, and when I was at college talked at a party. It wasn't till about 4 years later that we actual dated and I couldn't be happier. I know that my story is not a common one, but I can tell you before my husband proposed I had already been praying for a sign that he was the one I was supposed.to marry. Having a friend you can count on is the base for a good re lationship. If you can't be friends then how can you expect to be more? I know that might sound very non specific but I can speak from experience, friends are the most important thing you can have....if it turns into more that's good but nothing can beat a good friend With all due respect Rebelgirl, you were 10 when you first met and 'dated' the following year so you weren't as emotionally mature as you would have been if it was a later, adult relationship such as the one that OP sounds to have had. The pain of having the relationship ripped away to be replaced with only friendship, as has happened with OP, would not have been as life changing to you then, despite how painful it may have been at the time. I think in your case it was good to remain friends and it's really nice to know that it worked out, however, for OP's situation, I agree with the others when they say it's probably best to not be friends and spare the potential emotional pain.
TheUnthoughtKnown Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 I must say that you should most definitely be friends. My husband and I met when we were 10 at camp, "dated" again the next year, and when I was at college talked at a party. It wasn't till about 4 years later that we actual dated and I couldn't be happier. I know that my story is not a common one, but I can tell you before my husband proposed I had already been praying for a sign that he was the one I was supposed.to marry. Having a friend you can count on is the base for a good re lationship. If you can't be friends then how can you expect to be more? I know that might sound very non specific but I can speak from experience, friends are the most important thing you can have....if it turns into more that's good but nothing can beat a good friend As lovely as that story is, it's not very common. It'd be fantastic to find someone like that, who's been a part of your life for so long. Like a real life When Harry Met Sally. Thing is, it just doesn't happen often. OP - I'd say no, don't be friends. You feel pain when you see her, can't stop thinking about her, etc? How's it gonna feel when she starts dating other people? As her friend, surely she'll tell you about them. It's a bad idea. If it didn't work, then it wasn't meant to be. Sorry man, I just don't think post relationship friendships work at all. I think they'd be too painful, too distracting. 1
road Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 we promised that if it ever ended, that we would still be friends. Worlds Largest Red Flag? Is when a girls starts a relationship with an escape door at the begining. that "if" we...... or when "if" we........... Run for the hills.
Blastoplast Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 I'm trying to maintain a friendship with my EX and it just isn't working. I think we're meeting up Christmas Eve for a little gift exchange and I'm going to have to lay it out on the table that I can't maintain a friendship and try to act like everything is ok when it clearly isn't.
sadpanda87 Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 my ex said something about being friends too, but i just laughed. do they expect us to hang around like a lost puppy after being stabbed in the chest? never, if you know whats good for you. maybe in some years when you are over it and happy about where you are, then consider it. for now, keep up NC. move on. dont go completely out of your way to avoid her but do not, do NOT be friends. i know its hard in a school, but keep yourself busy with other things. study, sports or other hobbies. ive been there, i have. i loved her more than my life for 5 years but theres a point when you need to look out for yourself. its not easy but i hope you succeed.
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