In the mind of the dumper. Answers.

[HaveFaithxx]

Since my last break up a few weeks ago, I have read literally hundreds of threads. We all want to understand what the dumper is thinking and feeling and why they do the things they do. Warning! This is long! If you just want to read my answers, skip the story and scroll down. (But I do think the story is necessary.)

 

After I graduated from highschool in America, I decided to travel the world. I am avery adventurous and spontaneous person and so my one year trip around theworld became five years long. Near the end of my trip, when I was 22 years old,I met my dream guy on a beach in Thailand, a Norwegian guy 5 years older than me. We were crazy about each other and after five weeks when he was going toreturn to Norway, we decided to get married and have a baby. We came to the US with me, got married and our daughter came 11 months later. But when I was pregnant, my ex-husband’s mother committed suicide in Norway. He became severely depressed and wanted to move back to Norway as soon as the baby was born. So we moved to Oslo so he could be close to his family. I had a really hard time, being there alone with a new born baby, no friends and I couldn’t speak the language. He was so depressed. We started fighting like crazy. After two years, I started cheating on him. I was young and felt trapped and unhappy. I wasn’t ready to be a wife and mother. He found out, but still wanted it to work. But I totally had GIGS and felt like I could go back to him when I was ready since we had a daughter together. I was selfish, immature and self-centered. I moved out. I dated a lot of bad guys,who also broke my heart. I was cheated on, I was with guys that only used me for sex, and guys that were in a relationship but never told me I was the OW. However,these relationships were not serious at all, so I recovered quickly. But, I was also cheating on guys I was together with. And I broke up with guys in the worst way. During this time, I would contact my ex to see if he wanted to get back together, and every time I could see that he still loved me, I pulled back. Yes, breadcrumbs. I still wanted to see if the grass was greener; life was too exciting. Finally, I met a really great guy, but I couldn’t stop thinking of my ex. Then I found out my ex had met someone. I became crazy.I begged him back, wrote him emails, letters, sent him flowers. I even threatened his girlfriend. I realized that I was never going to get him back and became really sick. The future looked very bleak. Here I was living in a dark, cold country far away from my family and friends and I would never be together with my daughter and her father. I was so depressed, that I could barely take care of my daughter. I convinced myself that she would be better off without me and I tried to take my own life. Fortunately, I had my stomach pumped. It took five years for me to get over him; I cried almost every single day. I felt like I lost everything. Every day I lived with immense shame and regret.Finally, I met someone else who I fel madly in love with. I never thought Iwould be able to love someone again; I was so happy. We had LDR, he was living in NYC and I was still in Oslo. I thought everything was great. We got engaged, and then one day he broke up with me over IM and I never heard from him again. I was really heartbroken for about two months. I lost 15 pounds. However, during this time, I really started to work on myself. I now knew what it felt like to be the dumpee. I hated the person I was. I had been hurt many times, but I also hurt many people. I was terrible in relationships and I wanted to change. I was 30 years old then and I decided I would never cheat again, and that I would stop being so selfish. Now, in a relationship, I am totally loyal and I do everything and anything to make my boyfriend happy. Im 35 now...Two weeks ago, my boyfriend of one year broke up with me. However, It was totally because of circumstance. What I can say now though is that I have been the perfect girlfriend. It is so painful again. I miss him like mad.

 

So a lot of you have questions if dumpers also feel heartbroken? If they miss the person they were with? You also ask if they break up with you because they have GIGS,will they come back when they have had another relationship and realize how good you are to them? Does no contact work? When your ex contacts you, is it just breadcrumbs or do they want to getback together? How could he/she cheat on me? Once a cheater always a cheater? Etc…etc…

 

Answers: GIGS: There is never really one reason why someone breaks up with you. The reason why I had GIGS is because of age/maturity. I was in my early 20’s and I wanted to see what was out there. Even if I had been with a guy that treated me like a princess and we had the perfect relationship, I would have gone wanted to knowwhat was out there. The second reason is due to circumstance. I was living in a country where I didn't have any friends and was at home all day alone with a baby, so I wanted to get out there and meet people and have excitement. The third reason is because of my personality traits. I read a really interesting study that explained how people who are really adventurous and spontaneous tend to have a higher rate of divorce and also cheat more because we need that rush.I know, it’s not an excuse, I’m just explaining why. You can do the test ofyour personality type and what kind of people you attract here: [COLOR=#990000]http://www.chemistry.com/index.aspx?bannerid=2014545[/COLOR] The last reason is because of my background:I was physically abused by my father and had a really tough childhood. Because of that I think I became very selfish, I believed everybody owed me something;I was the victim. I also wasn’t taught to treat people well. Furthermore, I never had trouble finding guys. I was always told I was the most beautiful girl at school/the party/ the club. I was arrogant and thought I couldget any guy I wanted when I wanted, so I could never settle on one. My point is that it is really difficult to understand why people do they things they do, and to predict if they will come back or not. You can be sure that if you treated them well, it has NOTHING to do with you. It is all about them.

 

Now with my experience, I would never get GIGS. I have learned how precious love is, andthat it is so hard to find. It is not always perfect though. So, if I find it,I would take care of it and work at it instead of wondering if something is better out there. Sure, there may be, doesn’t mean you will find it though. This is because of growing up and experience. I think a lot of people are more mature in their 20's than I was though. It wasn't until my 30's that I could see what I was doing and fix myself.

 

Once a cheater always a cheater? No, I will never cheat again. I can never forgive myself for what I have done. The reason why is because if you cheat, you will probably never get that person back if you regret what you have done. Also, I have been cheated on too and I never want to put someone through that pain.

 

Do dumpers regret? Yes, but only if they don’t fall in love with a wonderful person again. Even if they do and it doesn’t work out, they may think that they will find it again in someone else. If they never find someone that compares to you; they will regret like I did.

 

Why do dumpers become so cold when they breakup with you even if you haven’t done anything wrong? The reason I did it was because I didn’t really understand how it felt to be the dumpee, and what the dumpee needs to get closure and move on. Also, I was immature, therefore, selfish. The younger you are, the more self-centered you are. Your ability to put yourself in other people’s shoes comes with experience.

 

I really suggest you watch this Ted talk by anthropologist Helen Fisher. I think it willgive you insight: “Why we love why we cheat”:[COLOR=#990000]http://www.ted.com/talks/helen_fishe...ove_cheat.html[/COLOR]

 

I hope this helps. I have been through hell and back. It never gets easier. Love is so amazing that’s why it hurts like hell when you lose it.

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[ConfusedHumanBeing]

FAITH! This might be a favorite post of mine! You explained everything a person is thinking so clearly. I've talked to you about my situation, and you always have such good advice. Your story is so RAW too which I like. Held nothing back so for that I am proud you were able to be so honest and open. On the cheating part, some people will sugarcoat their stories so they don't seem like such an A-hole, so thats why I enjoyed the read. For what its worth, you were not an A-hole lol. You are a very strong person and this new BU will only show youself how strong you actually are

 

I do have a question for you since you and my current ex seem to have some of the same mindsets at the age of 21-22.....My ex left me for what I assume is GIGS 98% sure. When she first left, she was almost begging me to come back to her, but again pulled back when I showed how much I loved her. Ive done NC and what not and we are on LC currently which gives me minor hope, but I still feel that she will throw some more breadcumbs out there pretty soon. Now, PLEASE know I do NOT want my ex to go through the pain that you did in terms of realizing you wanted your ex back after a while, but I do have a question. I am honestly "dating" someone else currently. Not in a relationship type thing, but going on dates and it can build to something if I allow it to. IM NOT DATING HER TO DO WHAT IM ABOUT TO SAY (Im doing it to move on), but I do want my ex to know that Im at least trying to move on. She cant see that because we dont talk and blocked eachother from social media, so I guess how would I go about letting her know of this? I feel like she has all the power knowing how much I care, so I kinda want to flip the script so to speak. Any ideas?

 

Again, bravo on the post. :D:D:D:D:D:D

Edited December 16, 2012 by ConfusedHumanBeing

[Droplet]

Nice insight.

 

As a dumper, would you say that a dumpee whom you've had a passionate long story with and with whom you ended in good terms :

 

-sounds attractive when he asks you in a gentle but firm manner to refrain from contacting him because he doesn't want to pretend like he wants to be your friend since he wants more from you, that he wants to truly move on instead of playing a role

 

or

 

-shows vulnerability, his feelings for you, and thus, appears weak and less attractive ?

[HaveFaithxx]

Confused: Thank you for your comment. I am feeling a bit better today. I am on day 3 of NC. The worst part is that I see my ex everyday, and my heart breaks over again everytime we make eye contact. It's a very complicated story, he is 15 years younger than me. (I know, don't say it....but my dad was 45 years older than my mom and they loved each other to death, so age is just a number to me.) I think you have mistaken me for someone else though. I have just joined LS yesterday....

 

I believe you about the reason why you are dating someone else. And I understand that you want her to know. The situation with my ex husband was that we occasionally had to meet due to our daughter. He is a lot like me, very outgoing, full of life, world traveller. Whenever I saw him he had some great plans to climb a mountain, ride camels across a desert etc...and I always felt sad I wasn't a part of that, and my current bf always seemed extremely boring to him. When I found out he met someone and would not be waiting for me forever, it was a stab to the heart. Your situation is difficult. You don't have mutual friends? DId you completely block FB? You can't change your fb photo to you and a girl together? Hmmm.... I will have to think of it (Im usually good at this I'll be back.

[HaveFaithxx]

Droplet:

 

From the dumper's perspective, when I was in my early 20's than I def. would be turned off if my ex showed to much interest and I was at a point where I am not certain of what I wanted, i.e. broken up or on a break.

 

If it would happen now, in my 30's, I am tired of all that. If we broke up for some reason, what I want is someome who knows what they want and is loyal. I want love and affection and security. I know my worth.

 

I think you really have to think what kind of person your ex is. I know my ex is very cautious about his feelings (Norwegian) and even if he totally regrets breaking up with me and misses me like mad, he would be too scared too tell me in fear of being rejected. (He is very young and I am his first GF.) So, in a email I sent him I let him know how much I cared for him and would always admire him etc. ( I didn't write love) but told him that I needed to move on and will date other people when I feel ready. I then went on full NC. But it is important for me to tell him my feelings, because I think if I went NC without telling him, he wouldnt feel as if he had a chance in the future and would not try to contact me.

 

However, this is coming from a female dumper. A few years ago, I started online dating. I know that people find me very attractive, I'm highly educated, well traveled, speak 3 languages fluently etc... but for some reason, guys would not call me for a second date. I realized that I seemed too eager, i.e. "desperate". Even though I am not! I now do like my friends say, by waiting a day or two to reply to texts, etc. and now it is very different, lol. And these are guys in their 30's, and I still have to play this "game". But I think online dating is a whole different world. People are very worried that it is only "desperate" people on those sites.

[Droplet]

Yes, I understand.

 

My ex is probably kinda like your ex.

 

Long story short, she dumped me five months ago, tried to be friends, didn't work for me so I went no contact three months ago and she's been contacting me more and more ( and I would either ignore her or reply with a few words and not ask anything back in return ), up to the point where she would write to me every other day three weeks ago when she got pissed and asked why I was cold and I replied something like this ( in another language ) :

 

"

******, you know that I'm not doing this to disrespect you. I still have a lot of respect and affection for you and will always consider you as, at the very least, a dear friend. You also know me well enough to know that, though I'm far from perfect, I'm a loyal guy.

Loyalty starts with respect and in this case, having respect means refusing to pretend. Of course that I care that you are always looking after me and asking me for news ( *BREADCRUMBS* ) but out of respect for the both of us and for the last five years, I won't pretend that you and I want the same thing for the future of our relationship until I can genuinely see you as just a friend and we are finally on the same page.

Hope you understand

 

Take Care !"

 

She replied that she does understand and that she will leave me alone for a while and to take care and kisses.

 

Haven't heard from her in the last three weeks.

 

I hope she ultimately will see that as an act of strength as even though I would really want for her to want me back, I think it's time to move on because I don't think it's going to happen.

Edited December 16, 2012 by Droplet

[HaveFaithxx]

Droplet, I agree. I think it is better that you told her what you want and that you can't have contact now. It will be easier to move on, but it also is the best for a possible reconciliation (if you would want that.) If you are there for her anyways, she will feel she can get you back whenever she feels ready for it. Take care.