2.5 years gone...

[Mel2011]

Like most people on this forum I am currently going through a breakup and I thought posting here may help. I am sorry that this post is so long.

 

My ex-boyfriend and I broke up on Friday afternoon. We have been together for 2.5 years, he was my first boyfriend. Over the past 2.5 years we have had many problems and many breakups. The first breakup was when I caught him sending inappropriate texts to another girl the other side of the country. The second and third times were initiated by him, claiming that we ‘lost our spark’ and that he needed space. Both of these break ups lasted about 2 weeks each. After these breakups he came crawling back to me claiming that he loved me and never wanted to lose me.

 

We fight a lot about little issues and I felt by the end of the relationship I was really unhappy and I did not feel like I felt for him the way I used to. I know the ‘honeymoon’ period wears off; however we would bicker and fight with each other constantly. He works away and usually is outof town for a week, and then has a week off. I found this hard to begin with, however I started to get used to it. When he would be out at work he would be really affectionate and loving, and then when he gets home he is really cold, distant and uninterested. I recently had enough and broke it off with him about 3 weeks ago as I couldn’t handle the fighting anymore. After a week he got into contact with me and said that he wanted to fix us, and that he didn’t want to throw 2.5 years away. He suggested that we start some sort of couples counselling to deal with our issues and to sort our fighting out. This all happened while he was at work. (I feel horrible for breaking up with him while he was away, but literally had enough and could not stand being upset any longer. Note that both times he split with me, he did it over the phone. I know this isn’t an excuse for what I did and I truly do feel horrible.)

 

While he was out at work he suggested ways we could fix our problems and I did the same. Everything went well for the last week he was out at work (he had been away for 4 weeks at this point) and I felt really positive that everything was going to be ok. Then he came home from work and all the fighting and bickering started again. We planned a short holiday so that we could get away and just focus on the two of us. The night before we were set to leave for our holiday I asked him if he was still keen on the idea of going to counselling together, which he responded ‘I am not going to pay all that money for someone to tell me how to live my life. I’m sure you don’t want that either’. I said that if it was going to help us, then I didn’t care how much it cost. He then said that he didn’t want to go to counselling, of which was his idea in the first place WTH? We had a massive fight and we ended up talking about what it was that we wanted. He said that he didn’t know if we could work it out, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to make it work or just wanted ‘to be friends’. I basically said that if we are fighting so much then maybe we weren’t meant to be together. We ended up deciding that night that we both had to walk away.

 

It upsets me because I know he was planning on proposing at the end of the year and I feel really, really lost. I honestly thought he was the man I was going to spend my life with. Although we have been together for awhile now, I feel like we have broken up so many times that I can’t even keep count. I feel he doesn’t appreciate the things I do for him, nothing I do is ever good enough, I feel he doesn’t listen to me and I feel like we have been drifting away for a while now.

 

How do I move forward and get on with my new life without him?

Edited December 16, 2012 by Mel2011

[coffeebean201]

Sorry you are going through this.

 

Is he really hard on himself...? Trying to see why there was so much bickering/fighting over such a long period of time.

[Mel2011]

Thank you for your reply Coffeebean.

 

I'm really not too sure why we would bicker and fight so much.. we would have periods where we would not fight for months, then we would get times when we would fight every single day. They weren't huge fights, just snapping at each other or getting annoyed at each other constantly. We have been like this, at a guess, for about 4 months or so.

 

I feel like I am not the same person anymore, I used to love going out with friends, I was always happy, always laughing and I truely loved life. Now I feel like I am always sad, hollow and a shaddow of the person I used to be.

[allenpo123]

 

I feel like I am not the same person anymore, I used to love going out with friends, I was always happy, always laughing and I truely loved life. Now I feel like I am always sad, hollow and a shaddow of the person I used to be.

 

If you're not happy in this relationship, you should end it. It would be hard, but do you really want to sacrifice your own happiness to be with this man? If you're not happy, he wouldn't be happy with you either...

 

I'm also coping with a break up and so far I've learned that people need to learn to be single again.. Only when you appreciate yourself will the other one appreciating you back.. I know it's hard, sometimes I'm like "I'm gonna do this, I love being single, I am strong" but then there are other days when I just feel like crap. It's just all part of the process of finally learning I think.

 

All the best...

[Mel2011]

Thank you for that! I think that is what I needed to hear. I know we did the right thing in the end by both ending it. He would always say that he was happy but he didn't really act like he was.

 

I need to pick myself up, dust myself off and start the road to recovery. I have started NC as of today and I believe this has started my process of healing. I know it won't be easy and the road ahead will be long, but I need to keep positive and keep reminding myself that one day I will find my happiness again.

[youngnlove89]

I know how you feel. And I know you think it is hard to let go because he came back those other times. You are expecting him to do it again. And you think to yourself, "is this it this time?" It's hard to tell, which makes it harder to move on.

 

My ex and I broke up several times and always found a way back to each other. Albeit, it's not as romantic as it sounds. Each time we got back together, we fought more and I despised him more. Why? Because I wasn't getting what I wanted out of the relationship. Just like you aren't:

 

"Although we have been together for awhile now, I feel like we have broken up so many times that I can’t even keep count. I feel he doesn’t appreciate the things I do for him, nothing I do is ever good enough, I feel he doesn’t listen to me and I feel like we have been drifting away for a while now. "

 

The fighting...those inappropriate text messages, him being gone for a week at a time...is this what you want? Is it worth the rest of your life?

 

He will be back, his track record proves it. Just like my ex. And I think that is why we hold on because we know they are coming back. So, I changed my number. It was the only way for me to let go. He can text me and call me all he wants but I won't know. And sure, where there is a will there is a way, but I hope by changing my number that was enough for him to get the hint that this time I want to move on.

 

It's hard. And there isn't really anything you can do to make the process smoother or lighter. It just takes time. I miss my ex everyday. I am lonely. I lost my best friend. But know that NOW you are going in the right direction. Take one day at a time and every time you get a weakness to contact, wait it out for a day and really think about it before you do. Write down all the reasons why it won't work, write down why he didn't make you happy...that way every time you have a weak moment, you can repeat that to yourself.

[Samilia]

Like most people on this forum I am currently going through a breakup and I thought posting here may help. I am sorry that this post is so long.

 

My ex-boyfriend and I broke up on Friday afternoon. We have been together for 2.5 years, he was my first boyfriend. Over the past 2.5 years we have had many problems and many breakups. The first breakup was when I caught him sending inappropriate texts to another girl the other side of the country. The second and third times were initiated by him, claiming that we ‘lost our spark’ and that he needed space. Both of these break ups lasted about 2 weeks each. After these breakups he came crawling back to me claiming that he loved me and never wanted to lose me.

 

We fight a lot about little issues and I felt by the end of the relationship I was really unhappy and I did not feel like I felt for him the way I used to. I know the ‘honeymoon’ period wears off; however we would bicker and fight with each other constantly. He works away and usually is outof town for a week, and then has a week off. I found this hard to begin with, however I started to get used to it. When he would be out at work he would be really affectionate and loving, and then when he gets home he is really cold, distant and uninterested. I recently had enough and broke it off with him about 3 weeks ago as I couldn’t handle the fighting anymore. After a week he got into contact with me and said that he wanted to fix us, and that he didn’t want to throw 2.5 years away. He suggested that we start some sort of couples counselling to deal with our issues and to sort our fighting out. This all happened while he was at work. (I feel horrible for breaking up with him while he was away, but literally had enough and could not stand being upset any longer. Note that both times he split with me, he did it over the phone. I know this isn’t an excuse for what I did and I truly do feel horrible.)

 

While he was out at work he suggested ways we could fix our problems and I did the same. Everything went well for the last week he was out at work (he had been away for 4 weeks at this point) and I felt really positive that everything was going to be ok. Then he came home from work and all the fighting and bickering started again. We planned a short holiday so that we could get away and just focus on the two of us. The night before we were set to leave for our holiday I asked him if he was still keen on the idea of going to counselling together, which he responded ‘I am not going to pay all that money for someone to tell me how to live my life. I’m sure you don’t want that either’. I said that if it was going to help us, then I didn’t care how much it cost. He then said that he didn’t want to go to counselling, of which was his idea in the first place WTH? We had a massive fight and we ended up talking about what it was that we wanted. He said that he didn’t know if we could work it out, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to make it work or just wanted ‘to be friends’. I basically said that if we are fighting so much then maybe we weren’t meant to be together. We ended up deciding that night that we both had to walk away.

 

It upsets me because I know he was planning on proposing at the end of the year and I feel really, really lost. I honestly thought he was the man I was going to spend my life with. Although we have been together for awhile now, I feel like we have broken up so many times that I can’t even keep count. I feel he doesn’t appreciate the things I do for him, nothing I do is ever good enough, I feel he doesn’t listen to me and I feel like we have been drifting away for a while now.

 

How do I move forward and get on with my new life without him?

 

Why be with someone you fight with, doesn't love you anymore, and isn't trustworthy? That alone should help power up your "recovery".

 

I understand that you're sad but let's be honest, this relationship was such a roller coaster, why stay in it in the fist place?

[Mel2011]

Wow! Thanks guys. You are completely right. I think as time passes the rose coloured glasses are coming off and I am starting to see the relationship for what it really was: we were both unhappy but kept telling ourselves and each other that we were happy.

 

I have blocked him on Facebook, have deactivated my account for a while, deleted his number and I am trying to forget about him.

 

I think what makes me mad the most is that I kept 'going back' all those times before. I feel like in the end it has become a joke and he feels he can walk out on me when things get tough.

 

I am trying to change jobs, moving house and trying to start saving again. When I have enough money behind me, I am going to move to the town I have always wanted to and start living my life!

 

I have my moments where I get worried I won't ever find someone, then I get moments where I get excited for the future and what could be out there for me. I am only 22 FFS, it's time to start living!

[Mel2011]

Today is day 3 of NC. I am finding today really hard, I can't stop thinking about him and I keep thinking about all the good times we had, all the nice things he would say. I need to snap out of it