Illyana Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 (edited) Okay so my ex, Jay, and I broke up about a month ago but we were considering getting back together. I told him there is one condition: He would have to spend more time around my family. It was very important to me. He is a very shy, withdrawn person. He never leaves his room. It was hard getting him to go out to eat with me and my parents but after many failed attempts, he started to do that. It meant the world to me. It was a struggle getting him to go out anywhere with me. The first year of our relationship it wasn't a problem but the other two, it was. He also suffers from depression. My dad was supportive and said he knows how it is because he was that way when he was my boyfriend's age. However, my mom took it personally. My other ex boyfriend, Bob, didn't have a problem coming over but he talked down to me and told me if I didn't have sex with him, he would with someone else. This guy was like God in my mom's eyes because the relationship went smoothly to her. However, behind closed doors, it was obvious I wasn't happy. With Jay, I have never been happier. Sure, he doesn't like to go out but I can go out with friends. It's not really that big of a deal to me because I only like to go out twice a week, if that. The biggest problem for Jay and I was that he never wanted to come over to my house. My dad is an embarrassing alcoholic so 90% of the time, I didn't want to be here especially when he talks down to my mom. The thing that bothers me is I really want to get back with Jay if he will come over here more BUT I have horrible anxiety and what my mom thinks really makes me question what I am doing. I'm afraid of what she will think every two seconds. Because of my dad, I have this burden and pressure to make her happy with every move I make and I feel like I can't make any decision in my own life. I don't want my relationship with Jay to be over because this is the person I want to be with but what my mom thinks really, really bothers me. What can/am I going to do? I just tried to talk to her about it and she only talks about how he would upset me by calling and breaking plans. I know it upset me but if he is willing to try, why doesn't he deserve that chance? Towards the end of the relationship, he was constantly going out with my parents. However, that still wasn't good enough for my mom. She was bragging one night about how he hugged her goodnight and then the next second talking bad about him. She only focuses on the bad about Jay and doesn't give him a fair chance. He has never been abusive towards me, he makes me feel good about myself, encourages me to go to the best college I can transfer to, to workout, and overall just better myself. His only flaw is his shyness because of the way his parents were when he was growing up. My parents did things with me but his parents are alcoholics and didn't do anything with him. They never even go out together. I don't want to make a decision based on how my mom feels but it is like I feel I am choosing between them. The pressure is just upsetting me and getting my anxiety up. I really don't know what to do. Edited December 16, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator changed names
Author Illyana Posted December 16, 2012 Author Posted December 16, 2012 Oh and Jay never cheated on me like Bob did...!
whichwayisup Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 Can I ask how old you are? This is your life, not your moms. Don't live your life just to make her happy..Also, you don't need her approval for everything you do, especially when it comes to your love life. Unless you're quite young and still living at home, though it does seem like you're living with your folks, there still can be boundries set up so she doesn't try to control your whole life. Also, you suffer from anxiety so you know your limitations and times when you don't feel well, right? Your bf has depression and there will be times he'll cancel and not feel well to be around your family, or be social. It isn't that he doesn't want to, it's he just can't. He doesn't have to spend tons of time with your family, you two can go out. What type of counseling or are you on any meds for your anxiety? CBT (Cognitive behaviour therapy) is really good at managing and controlling the anxiety. I suffered from it quite badly in the past and CBT saved me.
Nyla Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 When my mother started butting into my dating life and humiliating me in front of men, I moved out. Solved that problem very quickly. Sometimes people become anxious and depressed because of the environment they live in. As soon as I left home, I felt better. I am not saying that your parents are causing your anxiety, but it could be helpful to look at the relationship you have with them. Live for yourself and not your parents. If you only live for their approval, where is the room for you to become an independent adult? My eldest brother lives for our mother. He is very successful, yet unhappily single and childless at FORTY TWO YEARS OLD. This is because he is a mama's boy and the women don't want a mother-in-law with so much control over a potential husband. Don't let that happen to you. You alone have to live your truth and if it is true that your last boyfriend cheated and pressured you, do what makes you happy.
Radu Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 In normal families, kids go their own ways, it's only normal and it happens not only in our own species. It might not seem abusive, but what your mom is doing right now is at least to me ... borderline abusive [verbal/emotional ... women generally don't abuse physically]. It's interesting that you say your father is an alcoholic, because i can see a pattern for you. Dad with issues [the dad is usually the rolemodel in what kind of a guy a girl should get], your first bf was abusive behind closed doors [i hope you told your mom that], and your 2nd bf is very introvert and shy. PS: I'm also very introvert, so i know exactly how he feels.
Author Illyana Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 Sorry it took me so long to respond. I am twenty-one as of four days ago. I'm at a local college to save money. My mom isn't a bad mom it's just that I don't want to have to choose between her and the guy I want to be with. It sucks because I am technically an adult but she always wants to know where I am going and there are nights at 1am when I just want to go out! My mom and grandma are both on Xanax. I have never been to therapy or taken anything for my anxiety. 5 years ago my mentioned ex and best friend died in a car accident. That's when I really developed anxiety and lately it has been bad but mostly controllable. I have never considered therapy. I really want to thank you Nyla for your comment. I don't want to be like your brother! Everyone's comments have helped actually. The latest person who posted about being an introvert. Do you have any suggestions for me on handling the differences? I mean I am somewhat one, social situations give me anxiety, but I still like to go out. We were together for three and a half years so I do know how he can be but I want to be supportive and encouraging. He is really a great person and I want others to know it!
Radu Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 Some backstory. My mom and dad were giant introverts, my sibling is also an introvert, and i suffered from depresession untill a few yrs ago. My depression was only enhanced by social anxiety, and a form of social hypersensitivity. It all to some extent comes down from some abuse suffered at the hands of my grandfather and grandmother when i was very young ... i'll never believe that a grandparent 'knows what's best for children'. With time i developed a sort of shell. It's like this ... everything that i'm ok with someone to know i put outside the shell and allow others to see. Anything i don't want others to see is hidden so deep down that at the age of 30 and after many relationships i don't think anyone has gotten close to those things. In public and on the surface i appear ... charming i guess is the word [when i do get going at events i can have conversations on a variety of subjects and ppl don't see any trace of my shyness or anxiety]. In private, i am a recluse. The shell also works when i get emotionally hurt ... because i simply 'activate' it and i can detach from the hurt very fast. I have been called insensitive over this many times. I don't view being introvert to such an extent a bad thing because it has allowed me to do some things that others would not be capable off. I know that some ppl get depressed without social interaction [i don't], i like to think of different subjects in solitude and i tend to find my own answers ... i like these things. As for how to deal with social anxiety, for me it worked to read on the subject, to put myself out there, and to read heavily into body language and sociology. In a way i demistified the other ppl in interactions, i look for weak spots in what i perceive to be their armor ... i try to view them as faulty, human ... I hope that makes some sense. And i don't think you will end up like me. Because i realised these things when i was 28, you are doing this at 21 ... i hope this makes you feel a bit better.
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