SJC2008 Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 (edited) Is the way that men and women behave when we date the cause for reading between the lines and overrationalizing?? I'm very bad about this and think some of it has to do with it becaue (I don't know of this consciously) it's better to be anything except rejection? But it also happens when someones actions don't match their words too. Also how much of this behavior is "normal"? I know everyone does it but where do you draw the line?? Edited December 16, 2012 by SJC2008 spelling
ThaWholigan Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 I would say it's a combination of that as well as our own insecurities and doubts. It's normal to a degree, but you have to have balance. Much of it for me ties in naturally with overall stress management. The less stressed I am about things in my life, the less I will be stressed about my dating woes. That can be hard for me as I am notoriously disorganized externally, but internally I feel I am in working order. Drawing the line is simply finding the balance. Between letting things go/accepting things that happen and being aware of things around you so as to not let yourself get duped or hurt etc. Being aware is the first step, the next step is to accept that there are some sh*tty people around and that bad things occasionally happen, and may happen to you. And somewhat be cool with that. Don't confuse that with being a doormat, mind. One must have firm boundaries, and they must be stuck to if crossed, and some people will do that - especially in dating. But the key is simply to not let it stress you. When you feel your emotions, try not to intensely let it personally affect you and rearrange your ethos in that moment. Accept it first, and don't react to it. Just acknowledge it is there and laugh it off. Then you will be able to act in a rational manner without stressing or overracting . Helps?
Author SJC2008 Posted December 16, 2012 Author Posted December 16, 2012 I don't do this with women than I'm not interested in. But if I like a woman I'm very bad about it. But I think their behavior has to do with it too to a degree... I'm not saying the last woman led me on but she came on very storng and was very available for a multi-dater. So if she didn't like me like her actions showed I guess I was her emotioal tampon for 6 weeks. I need to work on NOT doing this when I like someone but it is hard when their behavor doesn't match their actions.
ThaWholigan Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 I don't do this with women than I'm not interested in. But if I like a woman I'm very bad about it. But I think their behavior has to do with it too to a degree... I'm not saying the last woman led me on but she came on very storng and was very available for a multi-dater. So if she didn't like me like her actions showed I guess I was her emotioal tampon for 6 weeks. I need to work on NOT doing this when I like someone but it is hard when their behavor doesn't match their actions. Of course, I don't think it would even matter if you weren't interested! . It's simply learning to relax. The first thing I would advise is not to emotionally invest in an outcome when in the dating period. Easier said than done, admittedly. I'm currently dating a girl, whom I have been seeing for about a month, and so far she has displayed varying signs that suggests that she may be romantically interested in me but still on the fence to a large degree. I'm aware of that. However, it does not bother me one way or the other. The key to that for me is that 1. there will be other girls and 2. rejection won't strike me dead any time soon . And trust me, there are few who are more analytic than I, focusing on the details are a special trait of mine. However, getting bogged down in them and letting them fry me is not an option, otherwise I would go mad! Find ways to slow that down. Get to the root of why you do this, and learn how to train and finetune your mind to work the way YOU want it to work. This will be a difficult mindset to engineer in your own head, I will concede. But the best ways I can say is to exhibit strong boundaries about what you will and won't accept, trying not to take their behavioral lack of congruence to heart and lastly - becoming comfortable with the fact that occasionally you will get rejected. It happens.
TheZebra Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 I'm currently dating a girl, whom I have been seeing for about a month, and so far she has displayed varying signs that suggests that she may be romantically interested in me but still on the fence to a large degree. How can you tell, out of curiosity? To respond to OP, I think people read in between the lines whenever they care about something intensely - not just dating. Lately I've been trying to read in between the lines with everything my boss does and says because I'm trying to figure out if I'm going to get a end of year bonus If you try to become more emotionally detached, then you won't be caring as much about what they said or did. It's tough, but it's the only way, and both men and women do it.
ThaWholigan Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 How can you tell, out of curiosity? Because we are in different places on a material level. She is an independent woman with a new, burgeoning career, while I am a stereotypical struggling musician who lives with mummy . She knows that I am autistic, but that isn't what bothers her. She is attracted to me (we've kissed twice), but she would prefer a man who is more stable financially and appears ambitious. While I am an ambitious man, I still have to make good on it. That's how I know she's on the fence . If you try to become more emotionally detached, then you won't be caring as much about what they said or did. It's tough, but it's the only way, and both men and women do it. As someone who is very experienced with emotional detachment, I'm not sure if this is exactly the way forward. Detachment can take the enjoyment and the passion out of certain encounters. However, a healthy degree of detachment can facilitate emotional growth and slowly open up to an ability to be accepting of things happening without being damaged emotionally, or becoming more emotionally intelligent and observant and have more ability to master their emotions without repressing them.
TheZebra Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 Ah gotcha. I totally understand where you're coming from regarding emotional attachment/detachment and how it relates to overall dating. The best option would be to be open and enthusiastic about every new opportunity while shrugging away setbacks and disinterest, but I don't know if that's possible (For me anyway). I don't think I could be excited about a new prospect without being disappointed if it doesn't work out, and that's where the emotional investment and reading between lines, etc, comes in. 1
ThaWholigan Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 Ah gotcha. I totally understand where you're coming from regarding emotional attachment/detachment and how it relates to overall dating. The best option would be to be open and enthusiastic about every new opportunity while shrugging away setbacks and disinterest, but I don't know if that's possible (For me anyway). I don't think I could be excited about a new prospect without being disappointed if it doesn't work out, and that's where the emotional investment and reading between lines, etc, comes in. Well - maybe it's difficult to "shrug" off disappointment. It's difficult for me too - I find it difficult to shrug off mistakes I make on stage, I analyze it to death and see where I could be perfect rather than shoddy. Perhaps the correct way to view it is simply coping with disappointment or managing disappointment. At some point, disappointment happened to me enough that I came to accept it with all the things that made me ecstatic with joy.
Author SJC2008 Posted December 16, 2012 Author Posted December 16, 2012 How can you tell, out of curiosity? To respond to OP, I think people read in between the lines whenever they care about something intensely - not just dating. Lately I've been trying to read in between the lines with everything my boss does and says because I'm trying to figure out if I'm going to get a end of year bonus If you try to become more emotionally detached, then you won't be caring as much about what they said or did. It's tough, but it's the only way, and both men and women do it. Good point about we do this when we care about something; Be it dating or something else... I wish it was as easy as saying "I don't know what she's thinking/meant so why rack my brains over it?"
mesmerized Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 We all do this, some more than others. If you find yourself looking at her texts every few minutes, doing any kind of stalkerish behavior or just if it takes too much of your time, you are overdoing it. I used to do this all the time when I was younger, now I do it much less.
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