moveONorStay Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 I've had several threads here about my break up around 3 months ago and have been having a hard time of late. I've been thinking only about the good parts of the relationship even though there were clearly some legitimate factors that caused me to break up with this girl...I now find myself wishing that I had given the relationship more of a chance instead of rashly pulling the plug on it Although a stunningly beautiful and very fun, charming girl, she had major insecurity issues, leading her to be very manipulative and controlling and was regularly going through my cell phone, checking messages, email, facebook and skype account...even though I had nothing to hide. Eventually emailed a female friend from my phone telling her we couldn't talk anymore...and signed the email from me!!...it was the final straw. Anyway, we were in touch for a month or so after the break up via a few phone calls and some text messages...there were mixed signals, sometimes she was saying she didn't want the break up, she was still crazy about me and then other times being really cold and hurtful, even cursing me out. On each of these occasions I suggested we meet to talk about things and she refused. I haven't set eyes on her since the day I went to break up with her. The behavior of the relationship and the subsequent swings led me to to do some research on BPD/Narcissistic personality disorders...having been able to understand more about this kind of behavior and how to deal with it I really want to try to figure things out because I do truly love her and want to be with her. To be honest, I've analyzed the relationship to the finest detail and I can see some of my errors but still can't justify her over-reaction to some very minor things...I did begin to feel anxiety at times in the relationship, however, the good times were the best connection I've ever had with another person...we definitely clicked. Problem is, for the past 2 months she has completely ignored any attempt to be in contact even though I've tried to email her and call her a few times. No response, even to say 'forget it' that she's moving on, which I'll assume she is doing! She does have a pretty long history of fall outs with people, family, friends and colleagues...even at one point falling out with her parents and not speaking to them at all for an entire year. I've decided to leave things be for now, but part of me is wanting to reach out to her and tell her exactly how I feel about her and try to work things out. I'm just wary of the fact that she has painted people black in the past and when she does, she pretty much discards them. It seems like she is unable to face up to anyone to work any differences out and instead would prefer to cut people off and find "new" friends. The only indirect contact I've had was just over a month ago, she put photos of us together and photos of me that she had taken into a dropbox account...it confused me as I would have thought she would just delete the photos if she didn't want to see me again...but she decided to store them 2 months after the break up. Minor details and over analysis, I know! It's been a month of NC now and there's not been a day in the past 3 months that I haven't thought about her. I am trying to move on with things but don't want to give up on her either...I'm very loyal in that I would never give up on someone I care for. Ever. I wonder, have any of you ever had to deal with a person like this? Did they ever come back around? Would I be wasting my time to make any further effort with this person, even a few months down the line when the dust has settled? Or is it even worth trying to figure things out with her?
na49 Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 My ex was also very controlling, unlike you I didn't pull the plug. She was able to get away with cheating on me and dump me leaving me heart broken. Being dumped sucks, so I don't blame your ex for ignoring you/not making an effort to contact you. You said you wouldn't give up on her... You kind of already did when you dumped her. Instead of working things out and talking about the problems, you figured they'd never changed and got rid of her. It's easier said than done however, when dealing with a girl that insecure she probably doesn't take kindly to criticism and doesn't like to hear about what you don't like about her. So you talking about those problems, may insult her and she may end up leaving you. You walk a tight rope with girlfriends who are insecure. Would it be a waste for you to chase her? Yes. Let her live her life, you wanted her out of your life. She's granting your wish. If she wants to come back, she will. Otherwise, she had a life before you, she'll live her life without you and be happy. You need to try to do the same. I hate the fact that I haven't been able to go a day without thinking of my ex either. I guess eventually one day we just won't, it feels like that day will never come though..
Author moveONorStay Posted December 16, 2012 Author Posted December 16, 2012 Would it be a waste for you to chase her? Yes. Let her live her life, you wanted her out of your life. She's granting your wish. If she wants to come back, she will. Otherwise, she had a life before you, she'll live her life without you and be happy. You need to try to do the same. I hate the fact that I haven't been able to go a day without thinking of my ex either. I guess eventually one day we just won't, it feels like that day will never come though.. I've never really looked at it like this before. Never thought about it as her granting my wish to be free of her...which is what I wanted at that moment I broke up with her because I was angry at what she did, which was unacceptable. There were many things over the course of the relationship that were very questionable and I felt like I was always being supportive. Interestingly, she wasn't that happy when we first met...she was charming at first but had issues at work and quit her job. I supported her for practically the whole summer, paid for every date, gave her money for gas when she was struggling. Supported her when she was going to interviews. She had actually just got a new job when I split with her...which she said was going really well when we last spoke...so perhaps I filled my purpose in her life at that time and now that she is independent again she has found it easier to walk away. I do feel like she has been ungrateful though, never said thanks for helping her out at a tough time in her life. I think I'm just a little confused by the whole situation...How she can be so cold and cut off someone that was good to her and who she shared great times with. Although, she has been known to cut people off like this in the past. Maybe she is showing her true colors now and I am too blind to see it.
Amelie1980 Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 How can she be so cold? You dumped her! Just read some of the posts on here about how people feel after being dumped. I feel like hell. why would I feel warmly towards someone who made me feel this way and pushed me out of his life. If you do get back together and she doesn't change her ways you'll have to dump her again. just leave her alone.
Amelie1980 Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 I am delighted to see that sometimes the dumper regrets their decision though! There is hope then. 3
Billyjo Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 My BU situation is very similar to yours in that I am exactly like you described you girlfriend and you are exactly like I would describe my dumper. The relationships are very similar. She did everything for me and I was never satisfied or appreciative. She BU with me almost 2 months ago now and I just went NC about 3 weeks ago, which she broke to yell at me for something stupid, so I just ignored her last messages and went NC again. I can tell you I miss her and cry about her every single day. Maybe your ex is in the same situation? I sure wish my ex felt the way you do but I assume she's happy and moved on with her life..
Simon Phoenix Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 How can she be so cold? You dumped her! And this pretty much hits the nail on the head. OP, you threw her to the curb. Of course she's going to be pissed at you and cold with you.
Author moveONorStay Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 And this pretty much hits the nail on the head. OP, you threw her to the curb. Of course she's going to be pissed at you and cold with you. Yes, I completely understand that! But I feel my reasoning at the time was just! I posted a description of what actually happened a few months ago and the unanimous advice was to run a mile and don't look back!! Perhaps that's a bit of a trend around here? Hate anyone who has ever wronged you and/or hate anyone who has ever dumped you, without any possibility of reconciliation? I'd like to think that people can see past these things, be mature adults and realize that people make mistakes. I think my ex made some mistakes in our relationship, I subsequently made a mistake to break up with her when emotions were running high. It makes neither of us bad people, nor does it take anything away from the fact that we shared good times together. When emotions are running high, people say and do silly things...if we didn't care, or were indifferent, then there would be no regrets. Maybe that doesn't make sense to many people, but it's how I feel.
movingon12 Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 The problem is, you're expecting her to be logical about something that isn't logical. It's not like getting fired by your boss because business is bad, but then business picks up and she asks if you'd like your job back. When you break up with someone, you're judging them as a person. You saying: you are fundamentally not someone I want to be with. I would rather be single than be with you. I can do better than you. You're not good enough for me. I used to love you, but now I've spent more time with you, I don't love you anymore. (I know you didn't actually say anything of these things, but that's the truth of it). Only people with very low self-esteem would be able to forgive and forget this level of rejection. It's not like getting turned down for a credit card, it's a personal as it gets. It's not about being mature or immature - it's about honestly saying to yourself 'could I ever love and trust this person again after what they did to me?' If the answer is no, there's no point in her speaking to you, is there? 1
lovefiction Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 My BF recently broke up with me after 2 years together... I will admit at times I felt insecure about his friendships with other women, but I would never check his messages, let alone send a text to his friend using his name... That is simply going to far... I think you need to remember why you BU with her in the first place. Do you really think that if you got back together she would not return to the same insecurities? It is fine to miss her but unless you have changed and want to be with someone who behaves as she did, you need to leave her alone... On a side note, I just realized that I was never insecure about my previous relationships, never jealous... Maybe insecurity is a sign that something is not good... 1
Simon Phoenix Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 Yes, I completely understand that! But I feel my reasoning at the time was just! I posted a description of what actually happened a few months ago and the unanimous advice was to run a mile and don't look back!! Perhaps that's a bit of a trend around here? Hate anyone who has ever wronged you and/or hate anyone who has ever dumped you, without any possibility of reconciliation? I'd like to think that people can see past these things, be mature adults and realize that people make mistakes. I think my ex made some mistakes in our relationship, I subsequently made a mistake to break up with her when emotions were running high. It makes neither of us bad people, nor does it take anything away from the fact that we shared good times together. When emotions are running high, people say and do silly things...if we didn't care, or were indifferent, then there would be no regrets. Maybe that doesn't make sense to many people, but it's how I feel. How is she being immature exactly? You rejected her. Whether it was justified or not doesn't matter to her -- she took your breaking up with her as an incrimination of who she is as a person. Some people can't get past that and if they do, it takes a lot of time, more time than you've had. You can't just break up with her (even if it was justified and from what I remember about your story, it was -- though you should have tried to work it out if you actually valued her company like you seem to do instead of pulling the plug to try to elicit a reaction. But it's too late, we all make mistakes) and expect her to just be cool with you or what you did. It's basic cause and effect. You pulled the plug, she withdrew. It doesn't make her immature. It makes her human. 1
Author moveONorStay Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 On a side note, I just realized that I was never insecure about my previous relationships, never jealous... Maybe insecurity is a sign that something is not good... Not good in what way? I feel that the distrusting behavior she displayed could be a result of something happening in her past... Or perhaps her paranoia is a result of possible previous unfaithfulness on her part and she tried to find that in me. I don't know, and may never know. I was loyal to her and wanted it to work out. Deep down I would like to reconcile and make attempts to work things out. I suppose only time will tell if that will ever be possible, but from the way I know she has cut people out of her life for seemingly small disagreements in the past, I get the feeling we may never have that opportunity. My door will always be open for her.
Author moveONorStay Posted December 19, 2012 Author Posted December 19, 2012 How is she being immature exactly? You rejected her. Whether it was justified or not doesn't matter to her -- she took your breaking up with her as an incrimination of who she is as a person. Some people can't get past that and if they do, it takes a lot of time, more time than you've had. You can't just break up with her (even if it was justified and from what I remember about your story, it was -- though you should have tried to work it out if you actually valued her company like you seem to do instead of pulling the plug to try to elicit a reaction. But it's too late, we all make mistakes) and expect her to just be cool with you or what you did. It's basic cause and effect. You pulled the plug, she withdrew. It doesn't make her immature. It makes her human. This is a very fair and diplomatic summary of the situation. Thanks. I understand more about what is going on from an objective point of view from this and a few of the other responses. Maybe I've found it difficult to understand because I've never been the dumpee, nor have I ever tried to reconcile with someone I've broken up with before so it is uncharted territory for me! In some ways it has made me feel a bit like the dumpee! It's strange, because I've not been short of female attention since the break up, but I've rejected all of it because I wanted to work things out with the girl I broke up with! Love can be so complicated!
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