I broke up with my girlfriend, now SHE says she needs space

[jbsoccer]

Hi all,

Need some advice/different points of view.

I have been with my girlfriend for 6 months. She has just graduated college and moved states to come get a job that I was helping her get. (We were kind of friends before, had some mutual friends etc.) She stayed next door to me while it was all getting set up.

After a couple of months she ended up moving it and it was great. I knew that she had recently split from her BF. He cheated on her, emotionally abused her, controlled her etc. I didn’t know that the final split was a week before we hooked up.

She and him remained friends with him on Facebook. He continued to 'like' posts she put up, post things on her wall. She is a genuinely nice person so didn’t say anything. After a while I mentioned that it bugged me, she said she was going to speak to him. They crossed paths at their college homecoming and one night she came across him passed out at a party, she spent 4 hours looking after him passed out.

She didn’t tell me about this immediately but I found out. She said she didn’t tell me because it would hurt me.

The Facebook things continued as did texting from time to time. She replied but always deleted them and never text first.

We started arguing about this and other little nothing things. I ended up breaking up with her a couple of times. She went on vacation and whilst she was away ignored her calls and texts for a couple of days and she had a mini break down on vacation. Her parents stepped in and helped her get an apartment for when she got back.

At the start I refused to go there, she begged me. Tried to arrange a date night there or at our old place doing all my favorite things. I refused. One night we were both out and she begged me to come back with her. I refused and went to a friend’s. As soon as I got back I regretted it and drove to her apartment.

We had sex and stayed up all night talking, she then dropped the bombshell that we couldn’t be together. She was messed up, wasn’t good enough for me and needed space.

We were up and down since then and I know the ex bf is back in her life. Texting and calling. I asked her about it and she said she was confused. I know he’s asked her to get back with him and come and visit her (he lives different state). She’s refused both times.

She really is the nicest person and I truly believe that by rejecting her so many times I’ve confused her even more. We continue to have sex and we hang out from time to time.

I’m confused at whether to let you go completely and try to get over her and stay patient and be the 'nice' guy. (Which I’ve never been before).

She’s worth the wait and I can honestly see us married one day but I don’t want to get played for a fool. I broke up with her repeatedly to begin with.

 

I’ve missed out some other stuff but hopefully you get the idea. She is the most selfless person and it’s a blessing and a curse for her. Any advice welcome!

[na49]

"I need space" = "I don't want to date you anymore"

 

I learned that from visiting this forum so much.

[movingon12]

My advice is leave the poor girl alone. You treated her badly and now she's moved on. Learn from your mistakes and do the same.

[GlendiexElsewhere]

its not nice to confuse a girl if you broke up with her its for a reason to sleep with her is just mean ... if you want to be just friends with benefit tell her its just the polite thing to do. Plus if she can't make up her mind it says a lot about her as well she needs time she should really be alone and figure herself out your not helping her if you want to be the "nice guy" take yourself out of the equation & good luck

[jbsoccer]

GlendiexElsewhere, no i didnt break up with her to be friends with benefits!

i love her and want to be with her. I was just frustrated because she was holding back and tried to push her too quickly, which is my fault!

She 100% loves me too, she just has very low self esteem (she is a 10 but just been treated so bad in the past). She continually says that shes not good enough for me and that she doesnt make me happy.. but she does.

[movingon12]

We started arguing about this and other little nothing things. I ended up breaking up with her a couple of times. She went on vacation and whilst she was away ignored her calls and texts for a couple of days and she had a mini break down on vacation. Her parents stepped in and helped her get an apartment for when she got back.

At the start I refused to go there, she begged me. Tried to arrange a date night there or at our old place doing all my favorite things. I refused. One night we were both out and she begged me to come back with her. I refused and went to a friend’s.

 

You don't sound as though 'she made you happy'. You sound as though you easily got annoyed with her behaviour and dealt with it badly.

[jbsoccer]

Very true. Thats exactly what happened and i dont know how to fix it.

[movingon12]

I don't think you should even try to fix it. She broke up with you. She may (or may not) be back with her ex. She's moved on, or at least, is moving on. Either way, you clearly weren't as happy as you'd like to tell yourself. It's very easy at the end of the relationship to think only about the good times, and how great it was. But if it was that great you wouldn't have been arguing 'about nothing' and you wouldn't have broken up with her several times.

 

Let it go.

[Samilia]

Hi all,

Need some advice/different points of view.

I have been with my girlfriend for 6 months. She has just graduated college and moved states to come get a job that I was helping her get. (We were kind of friends before, had some mutual friends etc.) She stayed next door to me while it was all getting set up.

After a couple of months she ended up moving it and it was great. I knew that she had recently split from her BF. He cheated on her, emotionally abused her, controlled her etc. I didn’t know that the final split was a week before we hooked up.

She and him remained friends with him on Facebook. He continued to 'like' posts she put up, post things on her wall. She is a genuinely nice person so didn’t say anything. After a while I mentioned that it bugged me, she said she was going to speak to him. They crossed paths at their college homecoming and one night she came across him passed out at a party, she spent 4 hours looking after him passed out.

She didn’t tell me about this immediately but I found out. She said she didn’t tell me because it would hurt me.

The Facebook things continued as did texting from time to time. She replied but always deleted them and never text first.

We started arguing about this and other little nothing things. I ended up breaking up with her a couple of times. She went on vacation and whilst she was away ignored her calls and texts for a couple of days and she had a mini break down on vacation. Her parents stepped in and helped her get an apartment for when she got back.

At the start I refused to go there, she begged me. Tried to arrange a date night there or at our old place doing all my favorite things. I refused. One night we were both out and she begged me to come back with her. I refused and went to a friend’s. As soon as I got back I regretted it and drove to her apartment.

We had sex and stayed up all night talking, she then dropped the bombshell that we couldn’t be together. She was messed up, wasn’t good enough for me and needed space.

We were up and down since then and I know the ex bf is back in her life. Texting and calling. I asked her about it and she said she was confused. I know he’s asked her to get back with him and come and visit her (he lives different state). She’s refused both times.

She really is the nicest person and I truly believe that by rejecting her so many times I’ve confused her even more. We continue to have sex and we hang out from time to time.

I’m confused at whether to let you go completely and try to get over her and stay patient and be the 'nice' guy. (Which I’ve never been before).

She’s worth the wait and I can honestly see us married one day but I don’t want to get played for a fool. I broke up with her repeatedly to begin with.

 

I’ve missed out some other stuff but hopefully you get the idea. She is the most selfless person and it’s a blessing and a curse for her. Any advice welcome!

 

Rebound is what comes to my mind. That and the fact that not only she's in transition with her love life, but also with her professional life.

 

I can't help thinking that the moment isn't right for the two of you to happen.

 

I would respect her wishes, for now. Date other people, see what happens down the road.

[jbsoccer]

I don't think you should even try to fix it. She broke up with you. She may (or may not) be back with her ex. She's moved on, or at least, is moving on. Either way, you clearly weren't as happy as you'd like to tell yourself. It's very easy at the end of the relationship to think only about the good times, and how great it was. But if it was that great you wouldn't have been arguing 'about nothing' and you wouldn't have broken up with her several times.

 

Let it go.

 

Hi movingon12, Thank you!

Thats the thing though, she didnt. I broke up with her. But i was being immature.

Shes 100% not back with her ex, they havent even seen each other. I spent the evening with her the night before last and stayed at her place. We see each other nearly every day.

 

I understand the placing on a pedestal psychological piece, only remembering the good times, suppressing the bad. Thinking youll never meet anyone else etc. Im pretty self aware, this is not where im at.

I know ill meet someone else, im not hiding that she has faults. She has many.

I just know that i dont want to meet someone else i want her, and i realized that BEFORE she said she needed space. Its not the chase, i just love her.

[jbsoccer]

Rebound is what comes to my mind. That and the fact that not only she's in transition with her love life, but also with her professional life.

 

I can't help thinking that the moment isn't right for the two of you to happen.

 

I would respect her wishes, for now. Date other people, see what happens down the road.

 

Samilia, thank you. It truly is good advice.

Thats basically it. Shes young (22, im 25). Her whole life is changing and shes struggling with it. She happy, its just alot. I just made it worse by acting how i did. (not saying she was faultless but i didnt help!)

 

I would agree, the timing is terrible BUT we cant help that and im convinced we could work through it. She just has such low self esteem she genuinely thinks she doesnt make me happy and cant give me what i want.

i understand the psychological piece of 'the hungry dog never gets fed' and i dont want to smother her BUT i think if i let her go and give up ill lose her. In her mind she just wants me to be happy and doesnt think she can make me happy. She thinks she ****ed up and weak, etc etc.

[Samilia]

Samilia, thank you. It truly is good advice.

Thats basically it. Shes young (22, im 25). Her whole life is changing and shes struggling with it. She happy, its just alot. I just made it worse by acting how i did. (not saying she was faultless but i didnt help!)

 

I would agree, the timing is terrible BUT we cant help that and im convinced we could work through it. She just has such low self esteem she genuinely thinks she doesnt make me happy and cant give me what i want.

i understand the psychological piece of 'the hungry dog never gets fed' and i dont want to smother her BUT i think if i let her go and give up ill lose her. In her mind she just wants me to be happy and doesnt think she can make me happy. She thinks she ****ed up and weak, etc etc.

 

If I was to get a buck each time I have read "She has low self esteem, she says I deserve better", I'd be buying my Christmas presents with the money. That's just a bullsh*t line to let you go smoothly.

 

If you don't let her go, you will lose her, for sure. My ex kept hounding me and pressuring me, trying to force his way back into my life.. guess what? It pushed me away even more. He's tried that again a couple weeks ago, 3 years after the break up, he got the same reaction.

 

Instead he (you) should have giving me (her) some space, and presented himself as an adult with confidence.

 

Live and learn, I suppose.

[jbsoccer]

If I was to get a buck each time I have read "She has low self esteem, she says I deserve better", I'd be buying my Christmas presents with the money. That's just a bullsh*t line to let you go smoothly.

 

If you don't let her go, you will lose her, for sure. My ex kept hounding me and pressuring me, trying to force his way back into my life.. guess what? It pushed me away even more. He's tried that again a couple weeks ago, 3 years after the break up, he got the same reaction.

 

Instead he (you) should have giving me (her) some space, and presented himself as an adult with confidence.

 

Live and learn, I suppose.

 

I agree Samilia. I think this is the route im going to go.

The only difference (and again would love opinions) is that i broke up with her. She spent weeks trying to get me back and i rejected her repeatedly.

When its been good again, its been really good. She still buys me little gifts during the week, texts me all the time and asks my friends what she should get me for xmas etc

[movingon12]

Hi movingon12, Thank you!

Thats the thing though, she didnt. I broke up with her.

 

Erm....

 

she then dropped the bombshell that we couldn’t be together. She was messed up, wasn’t good enough for me and needed space.

 

I'm afraid she did break up with you.

 

'I need space' means 'i don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore'

'I can't make you happy' means 'the way you behave doesn't make me feel good'

'I'm not good enough for you' aka 'it's not you, it's me' means 'I've tried, but this isn't working'.

 

I'm sure she's confused. Breaking up with someone isn't easy. But it doesn't change the fact that she's made her decision. If you think that if you let her go, you'll lose her, you never really had her.

 

If she was happy with you, truly happy, she'll come back to you when she realises that other guys don't make her happy the way you did. You're worried to let her go because you worry that another guy will make her happier than you did. And then she won't come back.

 

But if she finds someone who makes her happier than you did, she should be with him, shouldn't she?

 

I'm sure you've made your feelings clear to her: you love her and you want her back. Leave the door open for her if you want, but you have to let her go. If she comes back, she's yours, if she doesn't, she never was.

[jbsoccer]

Erm....

 

I'm afraid she did break up with you.

 

'I need space' means 'i don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore'

'I can't make you happy' means 'the way you behave doesn't make me feel good'

'I'm not good enough for you' aka 'it's not you, it's me' means 'I've tried, but this isn't working'.

 

I'm sure she's confused. Breaking up with someone isn't easy. But it doesn't change the fact that she's made her decision. If you think that if you let her go, you'll lose her, you never really had her.

 

If she was happy with you, truly happy, she'll come back to you when she realises that other guys don't make her happy the way you did. You're worried to let her go because you worry that another guy will make her happier than you did. And then she won't come back.

 

But if she finds someone who makes her happier than you did, she should be with him, shouldn't she?

 

I'm sure you've made your feelings clear to her: you love her and you want her back. Leave the door open for her if you want, but you have to let her go. If she comes back, she's yours, if she doesn't, she never was.

 

Hi Movingon, I 100% agree with the last paragraph. Never a truer word spoken.

 

My issue right now is, and you may be right about your interpretation, is that that conversation came after me breaking up with her and making her sleep on the sofa in our apartment (22 yrs old new state, no friends etc), taking her out to dinner breaking up with her then disappearing for the weekend, not texting her back for 2 days whilst she was on vacation, during which she was literally begging me to just reply once, meeting her in a starbucks and telling her i need her out of my life completely, her standing in the way of my car door not letting me shut it and begging me not to go.

Cut to the night of the conversation, she dragged all of her friends around the city to find me in a bar, begged me to go home with her and i refused. I eventually did but at like 3am then we had the conversation.

I know this might make me seem like the worst bf ever! but we were very happy and it wasnt all bad.

(Just a side note, these all came from frustration. Im not justifying it, im was just new to a serious relationship and was impatient and immature).

 

Her last 3 bfs 1. physically abused her 2. serially cheated on her 3. cheated on her and emotionally toyed with her (guy back in the picture).

 

I think i have basically trained her into thinking shes not good enough and now wont accept anything else. the only reason the guy is back calling and texting is again shes seeking acceptance. he rejected her she is desperate for his approval.

He doesnt and will never make her happy but that doesnt mean she wont go back.

 

"she'll come back to you when she realises that other guys don't make her happy the way you did. You're worried to let her go because you worry that another guy will make her happier than you did."

 

i dont think this will happen if i let her go. shes thinking that she cant make me happy, its not about me making her happy or not.. (although i know this post doesnt show that!) She repeatedly said how perfect i am (See above, inaccurate!) and told her friends that im the best thing thats ever happened to her.

[Eddie Edirol]

 

i dont think this will happen if i let her go. shes thinking that she cant make me happy, its not about me making her happy or not.. (although i know this post doesnt show that!) She repeatedly said how perfect i am (See above, inaccurate!) and told her friends that im the best thing thats ever happened to her.

 

If she wasnt lying about not being able to make you happy, its because she knew when she started dating you that she wasnt over her ex, and she wouldnt be for a while. She probably dated you to forget about her ex, and it didnt work, hence why you broke it off with her in the first place. She was in constant communication with him, you felt the distance, and you bailed, which you should have. If she was really in love with this guy, it would take alot longer than 6 months for her to get over him, so you caught her at a bad time.

 

You have to let her go completely and let her get over him. If she wakes up one day and realizes she should look you up, so be it. But for now, you cant look any better in her eyes while she doesnt want you. In the meantime, you get yourself someone new that isnt using you as a rebound. if you are free if she comes looking for you, then maybe it can happen. if youre not she loses.

[jbsoccer]

If she wasnt lying about not being able to make you happy, its because she knew when she started dating you that she wasnt over her ex, and she wouldnt be for a while. She probably dated you to forget about her ex, and it didnt work, hence why you broke it off with her in the first place. She was in constant communication with him, you felt the distance, and you bailed, which you should have. If she was really in love with this guy, it would take alot longer than 6 months for her to get over him, so you caught her at a bad time.

 

You have to let her go completely and let her get over him. If she wakes up one day and realizes she should look you up, so be it. But for now, you cant look any better in her eyes while she doesnt want you. In the meantime, you get yourself someone new that isnt using you as a rebound. if you are free if she comes looking for you, then maybe it can happen. if youre not she loses.

 

 

Great friggin post. So true.

Just tough now that it was going so well. Was supposed to be going to her house for xmas. her parents have bought me a christmas present. My family sending cards to the two of us. Tough when i know we should be together.

Plus we work together and i see her every day!

[jbsoccer]

If she wasnt lying about not being able to make you happy, its because she knew when she started dating you that she wasnt over her ex, and she wouldnt be for a while. She probably dated you to forget about her ex, and it didnt work, hence why you broke it off with her in the first place. She was in constant communication with him, you felt the distance, and you bailed, which you should have. If she was really in love with this guy, it would take alot longer than 6 months for her to get over him, so you caught her at a bad time.

 

You have to let her go completely and let her get over him. If she wakes up one day and realizes she should look you up, so be it. But for now, you cant look any better in her eyes while she doesnt want you. In the meantime, you get yourself someone new that isnt using you as a rebound. if you are free if she comes looking for you, then maybe it can happen. if youre not she loses.

 

The only other thing is i dont know what to do about no contact. She texts me all the time and we had sex as recently as the night before last. I work with her every day so i cant really cut her out completely.

[Eddie Edirol]

Plus we work together and i see her every day!

 

Oof... another life lesson that you learned the hard way, which doesnt help your cause. Dont shyt where you eat.

[Eddie Edirol]

The only other thing is i dont know what to do about no contact. She texts me all the time and we had sex as recently as the night before last. I work with her every day so i cant really cut her out completely.

 

You will have to put your foot down and tell her straight up that she cant text you if she doesnt want a relationship. If she wants space, she has to give you space in text. Dont let her have what she wants while you dont get what you want.