TheZebra Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 This is something I've been giving some thought to over the years and feel like it'd be an interesting discussion topic. When I was younger I used to think that the fact that I thought I was 'different' from other girls my age made me special. I thought that not watching whatever mainstream tv shows or movies meant something good. Everyone likes to think they're special after all. The problem is that the more unique you are in your tastes and preferences, the harder a time you'll have finding a compatible person to relate and eventually date. It's pretty easy to find someone who listens to billboard top 100 songs, watches the big box office hits, and likes the standard football, basketball, and baseball. But if you start finding hobbies and tastes too unique (stamp collecting anyone?) then it gets tougher to find someone out there who shares your passions. What do you think? Do you find it better to have more general tastes that you can usually relate easily with other people, or is it more interesting to meet people with totally different things than what you do or like? Little bit of both? 1
yongyong Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 I think it's about the person. I don't care about japanese anime crap. Usually girls who are into this crap are nerdy as hell, they dress weird and act weird. A totally turn off for 90% men. I met this pretty normal looking girl. she told me about her nerdy hobby, japanese anime. But I didn't care since I liked her. I think what's more important is perception. My type of girl has a weird hobby I am not interested -> I will still go for her. Not my type of girl enjoys every hobby I am into -> so what? maybe we can be friends.
xdahliax Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 I suppose it does make things more difficult. I don't know if my 'uniqueness' turns people off (it probably does), but I do know that it makes me more selective as well. I'm not a judgmental person, but I have to say that I will be turned off if a guy is too mainstream or isn't quirky enough. I don't mind being friends with people like this, but it's not what I look for in a partner. I like to be surprised by people, so not being quirky is boring to me romantically. By the way, I also have a stamp collection Lol...which is probably boring to a lot of people...
El Brujo Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 Sort of the same issue here. I was never comfortable thinking inside the box, but there's definitely an undercurrent of "sameness" that I've picked up on in the dating world: most people who date want everyone in the dating world to obey all the same rules. Break those rules by trying to do something different (for example, do without alcohol on a date, tell each other what you're looking for in a partner, etc), and you'll likely find yourself shut out and disrespected. Every man and woman may look different, but they almost all give off that same vibe that they're looking for sameness in the opposite sex. It's some kind of "hive mind" mentality which I understand but I don't agree with. So, yes... I know being a nonconformist lessens your chances (provided you're willing to date just anyone), and I've met a few conformists who tried to pretend they're nonconformists, but sad to say, those of us who are the genuine article can see through their act every time.
yongyong Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 This is not related to the topic. but why American people say such sxits all the time and acts differently? I get sick to my stomach every time I hear this. What's wrong to say you are somewhat judgmental like everyone else? I know you are just like me. If they are obviously different, you wouldn't even want to hangout with them. (for me, guys hanging out by the tattoo parlor). If they are little different, you wouldn't mind talking to them but you wouldn't date them. Why do you say 'oh I am not judgmental BUT I don't want to date those kind' ??? I suppose it does make things more difficult. I don't know if my 'uniqueness' turns people off (it probably does), but I do know that it makes me more selective as well. I'm not a judgmental person, but I have to say that I will be turned off if a guy is too mainstream or isn't quirky enough. I don't mind being friends with people like this, but it's not what I look for in a partner. I like to be surprised by people, so not being quirky is boring to me romantically. By the way, I also have a stamp collection Lol...which is probably boring to a lot of people...
todreaminblue Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 This is something I've been giving some thought to over the years and feel like it'd be an interesting discussion topic. When I was younger I used to think that the fact that I thought I was 'different' from other girls my age made me special. I thought that not watching whatever mainstream tv shows or movies meant something good. Everyone likes to think they're special after all. The problem is that the more unique you are in your tastes and preferences, the harder a time you'll have finding a compatible person to relate and eventually date. It's pretty easy to find someone who listens to billboard top 100 songs, watches the big box office hits, and likes the standard football, basketball, and baseball. But if you start finding hobbies and tastes too unique (stamp collecting anyone?) then it gets tougher to find someone out there who shares your passions. What do you think? Do you find it better to have more general tastes that you can usually relate easily with other people, or is it more interesting to meet people with totally different things than what you do or like? Little bit of both? I like to be challenged try new things.....it is about the person.....not about what they do...i am interested when getting to know someone to come to appreciate what they like celebrate their uniqueness.....im not into anime....the mouths moving at different speeds to the voices....makes me a little fruity...but i wouldnt stop someone from enjoying their passion......i would try to watch a slice of it......but would end up saying hey have fun im just going to write some poetry for a while or read a book.....and i can do that because i zone out i could do it sitting while they watched anime....i would hoep there were soem common interests but i dont hav ea list.....i meet the person and get to know them and appreciate who they are ...i dont really want to sit in a club surrounded by drunks.....every weekend.....i would go ...not very often and that would be to listen to music or dance.....more than a year ago i probably wouldnt have minded.......there are some interests that would separate me from having a good time.....could be contention from this.........deb
Woggle Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 My tastes are about as obscure as you can get and I never had problems dating. I also hated a lot of the stuff that was out when I was in my early 20s.
xdahliax Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 This is not related to the topic. but why American people say such sxits all the time and acts differently? I get sick to my stomach every time I hear this. What's wrong to say you are somewhat judgmental like everyone else? I know you are just like me. If they are obviously different, you wouldn't even want to hangout with them. (for me, guys hanging out by the tattoo parlor). If they are little different, you wouldn't mind talking to them but you wouldn't date them. Why do you say 'oh I am not judgmental BUT I don't want to date those kind' ??? First of all, I am not American. Second of all, I am not judgmental. I actually have some truly extraordinary friends, from people with no manners who would embarrass 99% of all people in public, to criminals, to people covered in tattoos and piercings (I added this one for you), aged 5 to 95. But we all have preferences in who we date. That's not being judgmental, that's just life. Some things attract us, including personality traits, and some things don't. It doesn't mean that I can't see the good in the personality traits that don't attract me, they just do nothing for me in terms of sexual attraction.
MrCastle Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 I denounce non conformists that are anti anything popular as much as I denounce people who blindly follow anything popular. I think both sides try too hard to portray an image. The non conformists try too hard to be different, the sheep try too hard to be liked and fit in. I think a balance is needed and uniqueness has most definitely helped me in dating because I'm not like most men. Not in terms of some of my interests, but just my personality in general. Part of that is because I'm creative, and creative people just see things and react to things differently. So I come up with creative dates or express my affection in creative, often theatrical ways. This has set me apart from other men and my guess is why I'm successful. If a girl wanted a taller man she certainly wouldn't have to look very far. Same with a muscular guy, more financially independent guy, etc. She picked me because my personality is my bread and butter. 2
yongyong Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 Cool, so you are non judgmental when it comes to friends but Judgmental when it comes to dating, right? the fact is people will not only judge you by your appearance but judge you by your friends. This chick might say 'oh I am so nice. I don't judge others' but if she sees me with some criminal looking guys, she will change the opinion about me. That's why I can't hang out with people who are too different. (different in a good way is ok. but different in trashy way like above is unacceptable for me) First of all, I am not American. Second of all, I am not judgmental. I actually have some truly extraordinary friends, from people with no manners who would embarrass 99% of all people in public, to criminals, to people covered in tattoos and piercings (I added this one for you), aged 5 to 95. But we all have preferences in who we date. That's not being judgmental, that's just life. Some things attract us, including personality traits, and some things don't. It doesn't mean that I can't see the good in the personality traits that don't attract me, they just do nothing for me in terms of sexual attraction.
xdahliax Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 That's why I can't hang out with people who are too different. (different in a good way is ok. but different in trashy way like above is unacceptable for me) Don't project your feelings onto me.
yongyong Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 its nothing to do with my feelings. I am just talking about what average people do. Don't project your feelings onto me.
Author TheZebra Posted December 16, 2012 Author Posted December 16, 2012 Yeah, usually if I'm already into the guy and I find out he has a weird hobby I could not care less and it does not affect my perception of him. BTW, my idea for this discussion came after this cute guy accepted my FB friend request and I freaked out because I have a lot of gaming related posts/pictures on there and was terrified he'd be weirded out if he saw it (especially after seeing how 'normal' his FB profile was). That's when I started pondering the topic. Anywho... I think it's fun when you don't share EVERY hobby in common with a significant other. It expands your sights and activities. If it wasn't for my ex's love of Star Trek I would've never found out the series was awesome.
yongyong Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 I would keep those things private. If he was really into you, he couldn't care less. But if he was right at the borderline, he might change his mind. I wouldn't let those small things affect the attraction level. I am not saying you should hide who you are. I am saying you should open up later. At the beginning stage, we speak what they want to hear right? Yeah, usually if I'm already into the guy and I find out he has a weird hobby I could not care less and it does not affect my perception of him. BTW, my idea for this discussion came after this cute guy accepted my FB friend request and I freaked out because I have a lot of gaming related posts/pictures on there and was terrified he'd be weirded out if he saw it (especially after seeing how 'normal' his FB profile was). That's when I started pondering the topic. Anywho... I think it's fun when you don't share EVERY hobby in common with a significant other. It expands your sights and activities. If it wasn't for my ex's love of Star Trek I would've never found out the series was awesome.
ThaWholigan Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 I think it's going to be difficult to find a woman who is just like me to be honest - I'm not really normal. So while I may come across amiable in most social settings, actually dating me may be an acquired taste, albeit I may have the edge in most cases because intrigue often begets attraction.
truth_prevails Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 (edited) So, a lot of people use their tastes and preferences to reject people. The music snob is a classic example. Unless you want to alienate people there's no sense in rejecting things just because other people like it. That said, I think it's a good thing to embrace your uniquenesses. It means you have more to offer, but! that value is going to be less accessible. You may have to work harder to show people what you're about. So let's say your hobby is stamp collecting. You don't have to limit yourself to other people who like stamp collecting. But you should recognize that most people can't relate to that, they don't know what makes stamp collecting cool, fun, exciting. But you do! If you can figure out how to show people that in a way that they can personally relate to, then you have something to offer that's really special, something that most people can't offer. I think we have this idea that one day someone will show up who perfectly matches all our unique qualities and then we'll know! that they were meant for us and only us. But you know, in the grand scheme of things your tastes and hobbies are really a small part of what it means to be compatible. I think just making the effort to share these things with each other is enough. This is something I've put a lot of work and thought into myself, because my gf and I come from very different backgrounds. But I think I think we're compatible in the ways that are important, and so far sharing out differences has been one of the most rewarding parts of the relationship. Edited December 16, 2012 by truth_prevails
USMCHokie Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 People are not as "unique" as they'd like to think they are. It's simply the ego trying to raise one's social value.
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 People are not as "unique" as they'd like to think they are. It's simply the ego trying to raise one's social value. hey- I am unique
todreaminblue Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 People are not as "unique" as they'd like to think they are. It's simply the ego trying to raise one's social value. I haven't seen any doppelgangers of me lately and I truly do thank god for that.......everybody is unique......deb
USMCHokie Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 (edited) I haven't seen any doppelgangers of me lately and I truly do thank god for that.......everybody is unique......deb But how many people have you actually seen lately...? Or even in your lifetime...? 7+ billion is quite a few... Edited December 16, 2012 by USMCHokie
Pompom Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 Well - I'm very unique in many aspects, but I'm still "mainstreamable" when it comes to taste in music, TV, etc. So yeah, I love everything special and underexplored, but I can enjoy hours of NCIS and listening to current Israeli top charts. I found most guys I've dated to have some things in common with me, like certain TV shows (House, Misfits, etc.) or a love for animals, and sushi. I think for me the only instances where not agreeing on lifestyle and tastes would be problematic, would be if he's very religious since I'm not, or disapproves of lots of animals (I own 6 cats and a dog and am not willing to abandon them). Also if he's vegan or vegetarian, or a chain smoker. I want no comments on my food and I don't want to be gassed. Other than that? Him liking one kind of music and me liking another entirely, should not get in the way of love now, should it? There are things in which I'm unique, different, special, call it what you will, that require some extra patience and open minds. Like, at home I'm not very classy. And when I'm angry, I'm quick to shout "Death to (insert target here)" and be otherwise unsufferable. I hunt riots and wars and having both ADHD and a bit of OCD, can make me very flakey or on the contrary, overly focused on one thing and irritable when disturbed. I'm usually very composed and yawning excessively, but I can sink to my knees and cry (loudly) when the table is wobbly or the computer won't do as I expect. And if I'm focused on something and you disrupt that, I may just scream at you Also, I sadly got me a gastric bypass so I'm on the toilet longer.
MrCastle Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 But how many people have you actually seen lately...? Or even in your lifetime...? 7+ billion is quite a few... I guess that's true, but what about when you limit it to social circle? There is no one like me in my personal social circle and a lot of the connections I've made are with people (men and women) who tell me "you're different"
edgygirl Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 I have obscure tastes in music, nerdy stuff, fashion, movies... In fact in most things. And that's also how I like my men. Never had issues finding people to date as i can adapt to most situations... although in college most guys were playboyish boring types. But lately as I can't find the type of guy I want and who's also into the same kind of music as me, I tried to date someone with the opposite taste. Not sure it's going well, as the truth is we're usually more compatible with someone into the same subculture. But I also learned after years dating that hobbies and interests are secondary to having similar values. The main thing should be to find a guy who is respectful, wants to be in a relationship, has the same life goals as you etc.
edgygirl Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 Who said people covered in tattoos and piercing are trashy? If you're so mainstream that you think like that, why are you even replying to OP? You clearly have no clue what she's talking about. Cool, so you are non judgmental when it comes to friends but Judgmental when it comes to dating, right? the fact is people will not only judge you by your appearance but judge you by your friends. This chick might say 'oh I am so nice. I don't judge others' but if she sees me with some criminal looking guys, she will change the opinion about me. That's why I can't hang out with people who are too different. (different in a good way is ok. but different in trashy way like above is unacceptable for me)
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