Ended my affair tonight and feeling the anger.

[whichwayisup]

You are reading it wrong, I would tell my wife everything, every detail but i would also tell her that ow means nothing to me now, i will do or say anything to save our marriage.

 

But you need to be honest. Telling your wife what she wants to hear, or say 'anything' to save your marriage is an act of desparation. Telling your wife that the xMOW means nothing to you - Is a lie. Own it all shame. I know you do not want to hurt your wife any further than you have to, but telling her that isn't true. Suggestion? "I allowed myself to fall for someone else, I deeply regret allowing that to happen, putting myself in that situation. I am doing my absolute best to detach and get rid of any feelings that I had for the exMOW." Sure hearing that would hurt your wife, but it is the truth.

 

Hope this helps, and I hope you choose to stay on LS. Focus on the helpful advice, and don't even bother replying to those who are being down right rude to you. The good out weighs the bad on here, so please, focus on the right advice which will in turn help you.

[woinlove]

She means alot to me just now, i hope to rectify this over the christmas period as i will have 4 weeks off and plan to spend every minute of it with my family and re-building our marriage

 

That's a start, shame, but if you read the experiences of other's here, 4 weeks is nothing. For a 1.5 yr affair, people are often still striving to get over the feelings 6 months or more later. Maybe best not to set up unrealistic goals for yourself. And, if you want to be honest and respect your wife, you don't need to wait until you have no feelings for the MOW, as that is likely to be a long time. Best to try to become the person you want to be as soon as possible.

[shame_on_me]

That's a start, shame, but if you read the experiences of other's here, 4 weeks is nothing. For a 1.5 yr affair, people are often still striving to get over the feelings 6 months or more later. Maybe best not to set up unrealistic goals for yourself. And, if you want to be honest and respect your wife, you don't need to wait until you have no feelings for the MOW, as that is likely to be a long time. Best to try to become the person you want to be as soon as possible.

 

 

I will re-evaluate after the festive period, i will not tell my wife before-hand that is a difinitive no. i just have no fight left in me just now, the guilt, the pinning for ow, the confused feelings for wife, its just too much atm. But I am 100% confident that me and her are finished that is the only certainty i have.

[whichwayisup]

I will re-evaluate after the festive period, i will not tell my wife before-hand that is a difinitive no. i just have no fight left in me just now, the guilt, the pinning for ow, the confused feelings for wife, its just too much atm. But I am 100% confident that me and her are finished that is the only certainty i have.

 

Sorry shame, I can't remember if you've answered this or not - Are you considering to do some counseling on your own to help you cope with the loss of your exMOW and also work to on you?

[Oberfeldwebel]

First I think you need to take a deep breath and get a grip on yourself. Secondly you state you would do anything for my wife and our family. The fact is you cannot reconcile your relationship until you start being honest. You have obviously been dishonest with your wife and family. You have probably been dishonest with the other women, in that she believed that she was building a relationship with you and then you pulled out the rug from underneath her. Worst of all you are being dishonest with yourself that the concealment of this affair is an act of nobility to save you wife and families feelings. The opposite is actually the case as you are only covering your own a$$. The sooner that you come clean the sooner that you and your family can earnestly start to heal. Best of luck to you and your family.

[sweet_pea]

The ow has never asked me never to reveal, she once quoted that if she were to be found out she would take it on the chin. I still do not like the thought of this happening tho, i know what our townsfolk are like and i particularly know what my wifes friends are like. Yes i am protecting her i feel i have a duty to her im the one who got her in this mess, i should of walked away from her, i took advantage of her when she was going through a difficult patch. But make no mistake if my wife asked me outright if i had an affair i will tell her yes and tell her the whole truth.

 

And with THIS mentality, you will not change.

 

Shame, do you honestly believe that your OW, who by the way, was ALSO lying and cheating on her husband, had no idea what she was doing? That you "got her into this mess?" Um, I am sorry, but she knew exactly what she was doing.

 

I'm sorry y'all, but Shame is not changing. If he constantly romanticizes his OW, places her needs/desires/well-being above his wife's and continually protects her, this man will never be able to be a good husband to his wife, nor will their marriage improve.

 

I have never heard of a guy so deep in the fog, and it's just crazy reading this.

[whichwayisup]

You have probably been dishonest with the other women, in that she believed that she was building a relationship with you and then you pulled out the rug from underneath her.

 

He told her he was never leaving his wife and his kids. exMOW asked him if he ever planned on doing so, and he told her no.

 

The exMOW is NOT an innocent victim here, she chose this cheating path way as well.

 

OW is MARRIED. I wish people here would refer to her as the MOW, or MW. Saying OW makes it seem like she's single and she's far from it. She has a betrayed spouse at home too.

[Decorative]

And with THIS mentality, you will not change.

 

Shame, do you honestly believe that your OW, who by the way, was ALSO lying and cheating on her husband, had no idea what she was doing? That you "got her into this mess?" Um, I am sorry, but she knew exactly what she was doing.

 

I'm sorry y'all, but Shame is not changing. If he constantly romanticizes his OW, places her needs/desires/well-being above his wife's and continually protects her, this man will never be able to be a good husband to his wife, nor will their marriage improve.

 

I have never heard of a guy so deep in the fog, and it's just crazy reading this.

 

Yes. I agree. My spouse was in very deep- even though he broke up with her and wanted the marriage.

 

But he didn't want the OW to feel bad about herself- so he actually- hold onto your hat- wanted me to write her a letter and tell her that I wasn't mad at her, and that I didn't blame her. And he also asked me to lie to her parents so that she wouldn't be in so much trouble, or feel bad about herself. And some other highlights that I will leave out.

 

It's funny now- to me. He is horrified that he ever said that or asked me to do that.

 

And no, I did not do that. I laughed at him.

 

Fog can be deep, man. Deep.

[18Years2Late]

The only state for years and years that was a TRUE "at fault" state was New York and they finally passed a law allowing for no fault a few years ago.

 

Every state has some form of "NO fault." You don't have to prove infidelity (or anything else) in order to get a divorce. You either file with a ground or you do a "conversion" divorce (typically after a year long separation).

 

If you choose to go the infidelity route, which most attorneys advise against because is is HARD to prove, that does not guarantee you will get more money. Unless the money was used fraudulently AND you can prove it. It's not an automatic "jackpot" for the BS if the other spouse cheats.

 

As 18 stated, even if both parties admit and even submit sworn affidavits to cheating on each other, that doesn't prove infidelity. The laws are literally black and white in this area. The burden of proof is complicated when it comes to proving infidelity and that is why attorneys don't like to go that route. It's not worth wasting the time and spending the attorney's fees. Even the millionaires don't go that route unless one or more of the parties are bat**** crazy.

 

Not worth it for the parties and the attorneys.

 

Amen...my lawyer actually advise me to do 51/49 and my H only gets every other weekend...I said hell no...I'm not looking to destroy the R between my H and his kids...I said 50/50...which actually screws me since I make $100k more than H I'll owe him child support if I do 50/50 but oh well it's what's best for the kids...

 

Even this states that are "no fault" don't really mean such...it just means that u don't need a reason other than we don't like each other anymore...however...if u want to tack on other reasons...go ahead but then the burden if proof comes into play...which doesn't usually happen and ur back to we don't like each other any more...

 

OP...don't worry about MOW and her custody/assets battle...worry about urs...bc when ur W finds out on her own...bc u weren't honest...then tells MOW's H...you'll need all ur energy to lie and fight ur own war...just ask my xMOM's BS...she can tell u exactly how things will go down...its not pretty...good luck...

[beenburned]

My D was given most of the evidence from both of her H's OW.(4 year affairs) The rest she gathered herself. It was really worth it in the end!

 

She was awarded child support, alimony(based on proven fraud),her lawyer fees paid by him, half of all he spent on both of the OW(which was a lot)(He bought 2 cars, a beach timeshare condo, jewelry, entertainment, etc) When he ran out of money he started stealing from my D's personal accounts, taking out loans she didn't know about, and maxing out charge cards.

 

I'm thankful he got what was coming to him!

[18Years2Late]

My D was given most of the evidence from both of her H's OW.(4 year affairs) The rest she gathered herself. It was really worth it in the end!

 

She was awarded child support, alimony(based on proven fraud),her lawyer fees paid by him, half of all he spent on both of the OW(which was a lot)(He bought 2 cars, a beach timeshare condo, jewelry, entertainment, etc) When he ran out of money he started stealing from my D's personal accounts, taking out loans she didn't know about, and maxing out charge cards.

 

I'm thankful he got what was coming to him!

 

And in that case there was solid evidence and boat loads of marital assets spent on the AP...so the outcome was just...

[18Years2Late]

Shame...let me let u 2 very different stories...

 

1- me and my H...I told him everything...on my own...not 1 lie...he asked I told him...ever detail...I told him so much he has no reason to think there's more...he asked it I wanted to work things out...I said No...did it hurt him?...yes...did it make him cry...yes...was he relieved that he finally knew what was wrong...yes...he has not flipped out...he's never once called xMOM or his BS...he hasn't done one mean hateful thing to me (that I'm aware of)...he hasn't outed me or shamed me in front of anyone...he hasn't told our kids or fought with me in front of the kids...in fact...he still lives here in the same house with me until the D is final (there's no legal separation in TX)...we went to the kids band concert tonight...we went out to eat...we've shipped for the kids Xmas presents together...now everything is not sunshine and roses...he has his moments...and so do I...but for the most part we've been acting like mature adults doing what we need to for the kids...and making sure we will b the best co-parents we can be...

 

2-xMOM did EXACTLY opposite of me...and as a result his BS has EXACTLY opposite of my H...think of the worst episode of trailer park cops you've ever seen and it's 10x worse...she's been to jail twice...he has to take a restraining order out on her...the kids know everything and saw everything...they've packed their suitcases more than once and went to the neighbors asking if they could stay there...his friends know...his family knows...people he doesn't even know know...his colleagues know...she's lost her job twice in the last year...she finally filed for D...moved out...took all the money...charged what was left on their credit cards to pay her attorney $10k...and now their house in in foreclosure...all he had to do for once in the last 3 yrs is tell the GD truth...but he couldn't...I can't only imagine the lies he's cooking up at this moment to try to get her to change her mind and not D him...I'd buy tickets to that show...not to see more hurt he's causing his family but to see him squirm and lie...

 

So you see I've BTDT got the tshirt...I've lived it 1st hand being dealt with in 2 extremely different ways...ur W will find out...have u seen any posters here yet that can say they are happily reconciled and they never told or was never found out?...I can't recall any but maybe someone will correct me...as a matter of fact had u asked me 7 months ago if I was going to tell...I would have said NO...and I would have been 1st to tell u that I was 100% sure my H would never find out either...he would have...but I told him 1st...which was the better path to choose...which one will you choose?...

[shame_on_me]

Well that sure is a contradiction of what you were saying just the other day, how you were going on about how much you cared about your ow. So now you don't care about her, or you'd lie to your wife and tell her you don't just to save you own skin? Pretty typical and certainly not honesty involved here.

 

Ummmmm, which is it?

 

I do care about her that hasn't changed, but you must remember the other evening I was a tad all over the place and so were my thoughts. I'm still yearning for her but it stops as soon as I look at my wife, I am starting to cuddle my wife again and I am extremely surprised she is responding to me, it feels great. I am worried about having sex with her tho it has been so long and I wonder if she will notice anything different about me ? Or more importantly if I can even do it with her.

[beenburned]

shame,

 

Was it you that said if a WS tells his wife the OW meant nothing then he is lying?

 

There are many types of cheating. If they were only ONS/FB situations then the WS is telling his wife the truth.

 

The majority of all cheating(according to the stats) are short term sexual cheating with no deep emotional ties.

 

I personally think these types are easier for the BW to get over rather than an affair where their spouse fell in love with the OW. Your wife needs that truth in order to determine if she wants to stay married to you.

[Saba]

You are reading it wrong, I would tell my wife everything, every detail but i would also tell her that ow means nothing to me now, i will do or say anything to save our marriage.

 

Save your marriage with more lies. Solid plan. I hope you re-think this before you tell your wife.

[2sunny]

Expect a depressive state of withdrawal from that high - of your affair - over your vacation.

 

Get counseling to help you sort through a solid plan to rebuild what you ruined.

 

You smashed your M to pieces - you expect to go forward like it never happened - well guess what - it did.

 

And your W needs to participate in the delusional life she's been living.

 

To keep her in the dark just continues the cruelty you're inflicting on her without her knowledge.

[shame_on_me]

Expect a depressive state of withdrawal from that high - of your affair - over your vacation.

 

Get counseling to help you sort through a solid plan to rebuild what you ruined.

 

You smashed your M to pieces - you expect to go forward like it never happened - well guess what - it did.

 

And your W needs to participate in the delusional life she's been living.

 

To keep her in the dark just continues the cruelty you're inflicting on her without her knowledge.

 

 

I think I may already be in that state already. Haven't ate a thing since Sat lucky if I have slept 4 hours a night and frankly just don't have any energy for anything, but I guess this is what I get.

 

I could inform my wife right now what I have done but honestly I think I'd just walk away I haven't got any fight left in me at the moment. I don't want this but it's how I'm feeling right now

[shame_on_me]

Walk...hurry...please.

 

Thanks for the support Bent .... Much appreciated

[shame_on_me]

You have no idea how much support I have offered you because it isn't couched in "ahhh, you made a mistake and let's help you fix it." Someday, maybe you will realize it...if not...oh well.

 

I appreciate all the support I have received even the personal jibes. This affair was truly out of character for me I would never in a million years believe I would lie and cheat on my wife it was always unthinkable. I still can't believe I have done it but I have and I'm trying to cope without going insane.

[Decorative]

Thanks for the support Bent .... Much appreciated

 

You actually are being hugely supported. People are trying to help you see what quite frankly you cannot right now.

[shame_on_me]

You actually are being hugely supported. People are trying to help you see what quite frankly you cannot right now.

 

 

Yes "tell ur wife" being the most, i have clearly stated at this time it cannot be done.

[BetrayedH]

Yes "tell ur wife" being the most, i have clearly stated at this time it cannot be done.

 

Have you gotten the books that were recommended? This place is only one resource.

[Decorative]

Yes "tell ur wife" being the most, i have clearly stated at this time it cannot be done.

 

Let's be clear - you absolutely can tell her . At this time. You are *choosing* not to do that.

 

You should look at some of the books recommended and start reading. Then you'll have more information, you'll understand what the majority of people are telling you, and then you can make decisions that don't feel as personal or attacking ( and I promise - we are not trying to attack you. We just know that a bandaid over the bullet wound never heals).

 

 

I wish you much luck.

 

I'd start with Shirley Glass and " Not Just Friends".

[shame_on_me]

Let's be clear - you absolutely can tell her . At this time. You are *choosing* not to do that.

 

You should look at some of the books recommended and start reading. Then you'll have more information, you'll understand what the majority of people are telling you, and then you can make decisions that don't feel as personal or attacking ( and I promise - we are not trying to attack you. We just know that a bandaid over the bullet wound never heals).

 

 

I wish you much luck.

 

I'd start with Shirley Glass and " Not Just Friends".

 

Yes i think i may invest in a couple of these books, i will have to look back and see what was suggested to me.

 

No I cant tell my wife, I am not going to disrupt my childrens christmas - period!

[Decorative]

Yes i think i may invest in a couple of these books, i will have to look back and see what was suggested to me.

 

No I cant tell my wife, I am not going to disrupt my childrens christmas - period!

 

Again, good luck to you.

 

What you don't realize is that your wife- when she knows- is going to have a harder time realizing that you perpetrated a fraud on her over Christmas.

 

And that false security, that damage? Is going to cost you more.

 

My spouse and I have worked really hard to heal. We are doing very well. But I actually had therapy to deal with PTSD because of the triggers and memories around times that were lies, and he did that to me. Even though I could not ask for a better spouse now- I have to work to choose to handle certain triggers and things that revolve around times where my own life was a fraud, because of him.

 

So I would think long and hard. You may think you are protecting your children froma holiday fallout. What you don't realize is that you are actually hurting far more Christmases in the future because of this.