flopply hat Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 What to do with ex. I have been divorced for 14years. We had two children who were 6 and 9 at the time. As much i wanted not to see him again that could not be for the sake of the children. We have always been civil to each other and have had contact for the childrens sake. Over the years he has had relationships, some longer than others but usually he has been with some one. After two years I met someone and had a long term relationship but he sadly died 4 years ago. My ex was in a realtionship at the time which came to an end about a year ago. He went into yet another relationship which has just ended. Last year our son was having a difficult time. In short he started taking drugs at Uni and called me one day for help. He came home and has not gone back to Uni; the stress of it became too much. He was in a state. I sort help but as the professionals said, 'as he is an adult then there is nothing you can do'. I was basically told that drugs rule. I have looked after him and gave him as much encouragement to get him back on his feet again. I have had some scary times with him as he has ended up in hospital 3 times now. I contacted his dad and asked for his help, I don't regret doing that because he has helped our son. The problem I am facing is that my ex. husband is very much ' moving in' and it feels he is taking over my life. He helped our son get a job and when i don't drop him of at work my ex. will pick him up in the mornings. He sometimes drops him off on the evening as well. On a few occassions now he has justed walked into my home (in 14 years I have never invited him in)when dropping him off, saying put the kettle on. This evening i had friends over and he turned up and just walked in. He said he was picking our son up for a night out. My son was in his bed room and said he didn't want to go but if he didn't go his dad would go mad at him. He got himself ready and went out with him. When i asked my ex. to leave and I'd drop him when he was ready he refused. I didn't want any kind of scene as I had freinds there so he waited an hour while our son got ready. My friends polity left. He is texing and calling me alot asking for me to call into see him on my way home from work. (I don't go) he says to our son that i am ignoroing him when i don't answer the phone. He wants us all to have Christmas dinner together and as a one off for the children i would feel ok about it but I don't feel ok now. I know the children would feel better if i accept things but I'm feeling very uneasy about this. He was always a brow beater. He does the pity thing also, saying nobody loves me and cried about the last relationship ending. I feel sorry for him but he scares me. How to set the boundaries with out causing friction and ill feeling? Don't want to come over as the ogor to my children.
darkmoon Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 (edited) children of 20 and 23 years of age aren't really children anymore does your ex have a secret wish to re-marry you? he seems to be angling for this Edited December 16, 2012 by darkmoon
Author flopply hat Posted December 16, 2012 Author Posted December 16, 2012 Thats my worry. I did say this evening that I do not wish him to just enter my home with out an invite (he wont be getting one). It didn't go down with him very well. He said i was been nasty.
darkmoon Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 (edited) Thats my worry. I did say this evening that I do not wish him to just enter my home with out an invite (he wont be getting one). It didn't go down with him very well. He said i was been nasty. i think you had better clarify that you are not a couple any more, what would be "nasty" when you were married, is not "nasty" when you like your life as it is now as a contented divorcee, my two cents, you can't be at his beck and call cuz you're no longer his, the "children" are free to make thier own arrangements to see him independent of you, they're adults - unless he makes Xmas dinner for them and you're not invited...dunno then Edited December 16, 2012 by darkmoon
Author flopply hat Posted December 16, 2012 Author Posted December 16, 2012 Did state this evening that we are divorced!!! As for Christmas I dunno either. Our son and daughter will most likely feel abliged to go. I think it is difficut for them because if they go there they will feel they are leaving me alone and will wont me to go too. My son has said does it matter if you come as it is only dinner and doesn't see a problem. I can see problems arising and wont to takle them now but I lack the know how. I don't like the way he uses our son and daughter to encroach on my life. Hope he finds another girl friend soon.
Author flopply hat Posted December 20, 2012 Author Posted December 20, 2012 Oh help he is not taking the hint that I do not wish him contantly texting, calling. Again he has called and asked if we can all go out friday night for a meal when daughter gets back from uni. I said she may not want to go due to been tired after the journey (she is coming back from spain). Of course she can go if she wishes. I can say i don't want to go but he not only brow beats me, he uses our son and daughter to get try and get me to do what he wants. I feel in a strange situation as I dont want the two of them thinking I'm horrible. I ignored his calls this evening so he called our son and told him that i am ignoring him. I have tried to explain to my son that now he has no one in his life it feels as if he wants to come in and take over mine and i can't cope with it. If it was just involving him (if we had no children together) i could deal with this, i.e. ignore everything. My son simply states that he is friends with ex. girlfriends
escafeld Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 Oh help he is not taking the hint that I do not wish him contantly texting, calling. Again he has called and asked if we can all go out friday night for a meal when daughter gets back from uni. I said she may not want to go due to been tired after the journey (she is coming back from spain). Of course she can go if she wishes. I can say i don't want to go but he not only brow beats me, he uses our son and daughter to get try and get me to do what he wants. I feel in a strange situation as I dont want the two of them thinking I'm horrible. I ignored his calls this evening so he called our son and told him that i am ignoring him. I have tried to explain to my son that now he has no one in his life it feels as if he wants to come in and take over mine and i can't cope with it. If it was just involving him (if we had no children together) i could deal with this, i.e. ignore everything. My son simply states that he is friends with ex. girlfriends You MUST absolutely set the boundaries in which YOU'RE comfortable maintaining contact with him..not him or your children who are after all adults. If he claims you're ignoring him that's his problem and you're children should be accepting of that and respect your choices, they're adults after all and well aware that you must have split up for very good reasons in the first place. Of course we only have your account to rely on, but on the face of it your ex is being manipulative and controlling. If you're really concerned about how the children might see it I'd write your ex a cordial and positive email but setting out your concerns and the difficulties maintaining contact with him places on you..copy your children in.
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