Leaning toward reconciliation

[screwedovertwenty]

I do believe that my husband is sorry and I do believe that he loves me and I do believe that it was some kind of midlife crisis thing, along with problems in our marriage.

 

It took several days to get to the real truth about the affair so I don't even know what my real dday was. It feels like it was a dweek. First they were just friends, then they had sex once, then they had sex six times and then the truth came out that he pursued her and it was lots of sex for a year. He said it was just about the sex and that she was young.

 

I do love him. I want what we had back. I want the future that we planned back. I am not completely afraid of being on my own. I know I can do this on my own. I did it when he was in jail for his dui's many years ago. Now that I don't need babysitters, it will be even easier.

 

I had been pursuing other employment before this all went down. I have been a waitresss by choice since we had kids many years ago. It has allowed me the flexability to be able to be the kind of mother that I needed to be to my kids. I have other skills and had gone back to school this year after a seventeen year break and made the deans list. I stopped taking classes in the fall because we were trying to buy a house. That was part of why I was trying to find a better more reliable income, as we were getting ready to have two mortgages until we could rent out or sell the house we are in. I hoped that once we were out from under this house, and I had an actual paycheck coming in, he could stop working so much.

 

So now, I don't know if it's going to work or not. I do know that I am going to still need a better reliable income whether it does or not.

 

We have been talking. He has been there for me, answering all my questions, and holding me when I cry. He has not been there for me in so long, it feels good. I told him last night that I wanted this to work, but it wasn't going to work unless he is willing to put everything he had into it. I told him that we could separate and I could get over this on my own, or we could stay together and he is going to have to be the one to help me get over it. I told him that if he wasn't up for the challenge then to let me know because it will be easier for both of us if go our own ways. He said he wants to try.

 

He also said he wants to continue pursuing the house that we put an offer on in September. It's our dream house. The kids were each going to have their own rooms, big yard for the dogs, fireplace, basement. Everything we have talked about and wanted. We offered quite a bit less on the house than the asking price, but that was the max we were approved for. Our offer was not accepted. We hoped the seller would come down, and that by adding my income to the mix we could be approved for a bit more. The seller did drop the price and we planned on waiting until Christmas to make another offer. Unfortunately now that I have been unable to do anything productive for the last few weeks, we are not going to have the earnest money to make the offer.

 

I had told him that I wasn't going to get myself into a mess with getting another house in the middle of all of this. I do not want to disappoint the children though. I also don't want to be stuck in this house if things don't work out. I also don't know if I want to end up in that house without him.

 

Last night we discussed what would happen if we go ahead and try to get the house and then things don't work out. I told him that since we will have two houses, maybe he could just come back here if things didn't work out. I was planning on using my (hopefully new) income to pay the bills on one house while he pays the bills of the other (before all this went down), until it was rented or sold. So it almost seems like this could be a win win situation either way. Please tell me if I am wrong because it makes sense to me. The house is only three miles away from this house.

 

Anyhow, that is where I am at. I want this to work. I don't want to be living in some big house without the man I pictured there with me. I have my counseling appointment Monday after work. Our first MC session is Tuesday after work. He went to his IC on Wednesday and the therapist told him that she wants to give us MC. I do not think she understood that we have that set up. She thinks he doesn't need it until after MC. I think we both need it now.

[buckeyeblue]

I am sorry that you have to experience this pain. Your emotions will be a rollercoaster for the next several months (and maybe years). Infidelity is very, very difficult to heal from and the journey is not for the weak.

 

I would caution you not to make any major life decisions at this time. Give yourself 6-12 months to see if your H is truly remorseful and if you can truly reconcile with him. You need time to absorb the betrayal and deal with the tremendous sadness and anger that you will be feeling.

 

I hope that your WH is truly remorseful and is capable of living a honest life with you, if that is what you want. Don't expect less than this of him!

[screwedovertwenty]

I guess today is a bad day. I would give anything for somewhere to go hide out for a few days.

[Tainted love]

hugs

 

I've nothing really to say except maybe focus on you. I've been on a roller coaster of financial worries since I found out the infidelity. My resolution is to concentrate on me first. The big things can come later when I've got my strength up.

[GLDheart]

With the betrayal, this is a wicked time of upheavel. Myself, I wouldn't have the mental capacity of taking on a new home and double mortgage.

 

I would recommend a few steps back to get a better view of the whole picture.

[Mr. Lucky]

You should never trust a man who has recently cheated on you, in regards to your financial future, until he has proven himself for a long, long time or possibly never. If I were you, I'd never allow myself to be dependent on him again.

Beyond this, why add the stress of trying to service the debt on both mortgages to the uncertainty of your current situation? If things don't work out in your M, having your name on both loans may be an impediment to moving on. If your H needs to move out he can easily get an apartment, no need to own two homes...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BetrayedH]

Admittedly, these posts didn't give you what you came here seeking: hope.

 

Personally, I think it is far too early for you to be making a judgment about what you want. You need to be coming to grips with what has happened and focused on figuring out the truth. Wanting to reconcile doesn't make it so and doesn't make any of this go away.

 

Regardless, you want some hope and I get that. So, I think the key gets down to your husband's behaviors since Dday. What has your husband done since Dday to repair the marriage, own the affair, show true remorse, demonstrate truthworthy behaviors, etc? What is the good news about him?

[CantgetoveritNY]

Why the HELL would you commit yourself to buying TWO houses with this ass? I wouldn't buy a friggen GUPPY with this guy.

 

 

I would like to hear why? My WW has a lot of bad qualities too. Much different than this poster's WH but bad. I know why I still want her back. I'd like to hear why SOT wants her H back. Just curious. I know that there must be some really good reasons b/c the bad stuff is really bad as Just_A_Poster says!

[screwedovertwenty]

Well, lets see.... He works hard. He is a good dad. He used to be really sweet to me. He sobered up, and has stayed that way for fourteen years. It's hard to list them off these days, but he does have a lot of great qualities. I would not have given him another chance after the dui's if he wasn't a great guy and a great dad. The love came back for me after he sobered up and realized what was important. It has been a long time since he was in jail. Our youngest wasn't even born yet and she is about to turn thirteen.

 

Since D-day, he has cut off contact with her. He has begged me for forgiveness and he has answered and continues to answer all of the questions that I have had. He set up our marriage counseling and his own counseling. He has tried to figure out why he did it and the only reason is he can think of is that our marriage had lost something, and she made him feel young. He told me that he wants to start over. He wants to take me on dates. He wants to get back to the way we used to be.

 

If I can have that, then I want that too. If not, then I want to move on. I have spent half my life with this guy. I wanted to grow old with him. I didn't want our sex life to turn into the one man show. I told him all of this and he told me he didn't know why he acted like that for so long and that he was sorry.

 

I had my first IC today. Halfway through the session, my phone started buzzing and I looked down and it was the OW! I told the counselor and asked if I should answer it. She told me that was up to me, so I answered and put it on speaker. She told me that she had just texted my husband telling him that she was contacting me. She told me that I need to stop googling her phone number because the person who's name it's in has a security clearance and they get notified that someone is googling the number. She told me that if I continue to google her number that she is going to get the police involved. She told me if the only way to make this stop is to arrange a meeting so that I can see her then she wants to do that but said I was going to be disappointed. Not sure what that meant. All I said was I would text her back later.

 

Husband called me immediately to let me know she had contacted him. Then let me know when she contacted him again, after she called me. She texted him and said I was rude. He did not text her back. She ended up calling his job to tell him that she just wants to be done with this and that I needed to stop googling her number. He called me immediately to let me know that she had done that.

 

I have googled her number a few times, but I haven't done it a lot. I really do not think the police can tell me what I can google. I am wondering now if I can get a restraining order against her. We both told her to leave me alone. I am wondering about meeting her too. I really only wanted to see her. Anyone have any experience like this??

[BetrayedH]

Spark and Frozen both dealt with crazy OW. Pay close attention to their posts if they chime in.

[screwedovertwenty]

Spark and Frozen both dealt with crazy OW. Pay close attention to their posts if they chime in.

 

Thank you! I will! I am trying to listen to what everyone is saying, whether it's what I want to hear or not!

 

Just had a really feel good moment! Last week, I took my youngest to a birthday party and she made me listen to Taylor Swifts Fearless on the way there. She is a big fan. The entire cd made me want to cry. How does such a young girl write exactly what I (at 43) am feeling. I had my daughter make me a copy of the cd and I gave it to him and told him to listen to how I feel. Just heard daughter listening to the cd and decided to text hubby and ask if he had been listening. He said he has been playing it's the only cd he has played since I gave it to him. I told my daughter to make me another cd, because Daddy stole mine. She laughed and said he has been playing it all week in his car when he drives them to school.

 

I think he is really trying.

[screwedovertwenty]

Yikes! I do have a crazy other woman! I texted her a reply, letting her know that I could google whatever I please, and that both my husband and I had asked her to stop contacting me and him. I told her to send me a picture and I would stop googling. Or let me know where she wants to meet me. She texted back saying that she was with my husband two minutes before she called me and she sent him the text to cover his ass. She also told me that she was educated and could get a restraining order against me.

 

I texted husband asking if she had been there. Then I texted him that I hated him. Then he called me and asked me what happened. I told him and he said it was a lie. I told him that he needs to text her and tell her what he wants her to do. He said he will and he will not delete anything.

 

I will see those when he gets home in a few hours. I don't know if he is lying or not, but my gut tells me that he isn't.

 

I texted her back, letting her know that I was smarter than her, knew my husband better than she did and that I was sorry that she was used by him for sex. I told her, if he ever meant anything to her, she would leave him alone to fix the mess that he made.

[BetrayedH]

I'm glad you have some encouraging steps happening.

 

If your OW is educated, she should be smart enough to know that it isn't easy to get a restraining order. States vary, of course, but from my understanding she needs to have more than you googling a number and asking her to leave you and your husband alone.

 

That said, I would still be in investigative mode if I were you. Even if you see their text conversation, it's easy for them to coordinate that text conversation by phone before it happens. I would definitely want to KNOW if you are dealing with a disgruntled OW who is lying just to hurt you or one that your H is just not able to control while he tries to manage you both.

[ladyinthemts]

First off, I'm sorry for your pain. Second, MC and IC is definitely the way to go. Don't stop it til you feel like you're heading in the right direction. It helped us a lot.

 

I'm having to deal with a crazy WO. She would not leave us be, and I was still trying to trust my H (just like the position you are in). It is totally fair for you to ask him to be transparent. Also, I would totally block the OW in every way possible, and ask him to do the same. Makes it easier on everyone.

 

Personally, I would have left him with an affair that long. But that's me. And you are you. Just don't forget to stand up for yourself.

 

I am new though, so I could be wrong! It's just my comment

[screwedovertwenty]

I'm glad you have some encouraging steps happening.

 

If your OW is educated, she should be smart enough to know that it isn't easy to get a restraining order. States vary, of course, but from my understanding she needs to have more than you googling a number and asking her to leave you and your husband alone.

 

That said, I would still be in investigative mode if I were you. Even if you see their text conversation, it's easy for them to coordinate that text conversation by phone before it happens. I would definitely want to KNOW if you are dealing with a disgruntled OW who is lying just to hurt you or one that your H is just not able to control while he tries to manage you both.

 

There have been many encouraging steps. Tuesday was our first MC session and he was very honest and open. So was I. He agreed that he had not been there for me emotionally for a long time. He admitted that he would come home and just whip it out, and that he doesn't know why he did that. I made it clear that I was not sure if reconciliation was possible for me. He made it clear that it was the only thing he wanted. We have talked and talked and talked. He is halfway through "Chatting or Cheating", which I bought before I realized there was sex involved. He also has a copy of "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair".

 

Last night we started working on a timeline of sorts for DDay, starting with the ticket on the Monday night that made me suspicious that he was lying about something. That was the November 26 and we stopped at the following Sunday. A lot of crap went down that week and a lot of lies were told. I am trying to piece together my world and his and figure out if the lying has stopped. He promised me that he would be honest. When I pressed for details, that he knew would hurt me, he asked if I really wanted to know. I told him that I had to know. I told him that I want to deal with the pain now and not have it come back and hit me in the face later. He continued with the honesty.

 

The OW is not nearly as educated as she thinks she is and I am definitely still in investigative mode.

[screwedovertwenty]

First off, I'm sorry for your pain. Second, MC and IC is definitely the way to go. Don't stop it til you feel like you're heading in the right direction. It helped us a lot.

 

I'm having to deal with a crazy WO. She would not leave us be, and I was still trying to trust my H (just like the position you are in). It is totally fair for you to ask him to be transparent. Also, I would totally block the OW in every way possible, and ask him to do the same. Makes it easier on everyone.

 

Personally, I would have left him with an affair that long. But that's me. And you are you. Just don't forget to stand up for yourself.

 

I am new though, so I could be wrong! It's just my comment

 

Thank you! I am sorry you are going through this too. I did not want to block the phone number because I wanted to continue to watch for contact. Husband is all for being transparent now. She has been able to call him at work. He has told me when this has happened and has, at my request, stopped taking phone calls at work. I am going to test him later by seeing if he takes a call from me when I call his job. He cannot call out from the work phone.

[screwedovertwenty]

I must have touched a few nerves when I texted the OW on Monday night. She texted me back her picture, and began insulting me. She said "Woman, you wait tables as an adult and I've studied at six years at universities and speak three languages. Don't ever question my smarts. Even though he ****ed me while you were at your counselor it's good that he's trying to do the right thing and I would too if I had that baggage. Don't search me again, we know each day you do. Tonight is it before we get a cease and decist delivered to you. I highly doubt you want this documented."

 

The picture broke my heart because she is pretty. Prettier than I expected.

 

I had told my husband to text her back telling her that she needs to leave us both alone and he did around the same time that I sent her the text that made her mad.

 

She proceded to try to contact my husband on the work phone, but he had told them he wasn't taking any calls. Then she texted him that she had texted some nasty stuff to me and that nobody questions her smarts, because that really pisses her off. She told him that she was blocking his number and moving the next morning.

 

Tuesday there was no contact. Wednesday at around 4:30pm, she texted him while we were both sitting on the bed talking. She told him that there had been another hit on her phone number and that it really needed to stop. She gave him her "real name" and told him to tell me to google that. I told him to text her back and tell her that I had not googled the number in several days. She texted back that it must be delayed then, and that it just needed to stop. He did not text her back.

 

We spent most of yesterday talking and when I woke up this morning, I was pretty irritated that he had not made it clear enough with this girl to stop contacting him. So I sent her a text stating "Stop contacting my husband. Stop contacting me. I have given him every opportunity to be with you. He continues to asure me that you meant absolutely nothing to him and that you were the biggest mistake of his life. Get over it and move on with your own life. Any further contact by you and I will have no choice but to get the police involved."

 

I forwarded the message to him. He seemed upset that I had texted her. He told me he didn't want to keep the contact going. I told him that I didn't want that either and that he had obviously not made things clear enough. I reminded him about how he noticed that I was shaking right after she texted yesterday. He thought I was cold. I told him that I need to make sure that she understands that there is to be no contact and he did not make that clear enough. I want this to stop.

 

He texted her on his own, and then called me to let me know that he had texted her not to contact either of us in any way anymore. I will see the text when he gets home tonight.

 

She has not yet contacted either of us. Hopefully she wont.

[KraftDinner]

First off, I'm curious -- how does she know you've been googling her number? I need a google lesson, apparently.

 

Secondly -- why do you keep talking to her? You telling her to back off means nothing to her and probably keeps her more engaged in the situation.

 

Do you think there is any truth to the stuff she's been saying about him being with her while you're at IC?

[screwedovertwenty]

First off, I'm curious -- how does she know you've been googling her number? I need a google lesson, apparently.

 

Secondly -- why do you keep talking to her? You telling her to back off means nothing to her and probably keeps her more engaged in the situation.

 

Do you think there is any truth to the stuff she's been saying about him being with her while you're at IC?

 

 

Apparently the person whose name her phone is in has a security clearance and everytime the number gets a hit on google they are notified. I am guessing that could be true. I do not know.

 

I texted her the night I found out that she existed, telling her that "He is all yours!" I didn't even know sex was involved yet, but thought it might be.

 

I blew up her phone the next day telling her to call my husband. He was sitting there with me and I wanted to hear their conversation. He was still claiming they were just friends.

 

The next day, I texted her back telling her she could continue with her relationship with my husband because I wanted him gone. She texted me back to stop texting her and I did.

 

The next day I received a threatening phone call from her roommate and then a text from her appologizing for the phone call. They were both upset that I was looking for her. I wanted to see what she looked like. She told me that she understood my anger but it's better to forgive and forget. I texted her back that I have forgiven way more than any human should bare and that I was only looking for answers. She texted back answering a few questions. I then thanked her for answering my questions and let her know that I was truly done with him and that she could have him. Really. She replied that he was a good man and that he meant no harm. I texted back "He never does".

 

I was done with her at that point. That was two days after it started. I had no issues with her. My issues are with my husband. I still didn't know there was sex involved.

 

By the fifth day, I found out there was sex once. That night I texted her all night long from his phone while he slept. She thought it was him. I needed more information and he was not giving it to me. That is why I did that. By 4am, I let her know that it was me she was texting all night.

 

I heard from her again three days later. She said, "He promised me he would tell you everything. All of it. I've lied more in the past week than I have in my life and it's killing me. I wont allow this to follow me forever." I texted her back asking why she was texting me. I told her I have no issues with her, that I was trying to put the pieces of my life back together again so that my kids lives wont be ruined over this. She continued to engage me in texts but continued to be vague. I told her that the vagueness is what is killing me. I told her that if she wanted to say something then just say it. I then said that my husband had told me that she wasn't worth all of this. Then I asked her why wont you just go away.

 

That's when I realized that she must have had feelings for him. She texted him right away and was pissed that he said she wasn't worth it. I read that message when he got home. That was December 4th.

 

I did not contact her again. I thought I would not hear from her again. Then as I sat in my first IC session, on the 17th, I got her phone call about googling.

[BetrayedH]

Time to go NC altogether. Don't blame you for what you've done so far but continuing with her is going to do more harm than help. The only advantage I could see by continuing contact is from an investigative standpoint and I think you have Lready done what you can in that regard. If she continues, talk to your own attorney about a C&D of your own and what it takes for a restraining order.

 

On a side note (perhaps the more important subject), it's very encouraging to hear about your husband's openness. This is pretty rare. Trickle truth is the killer and I hope he truly "gets it" that honesty will buy him a lot and lying of any sort sets you back to square one, if it isn't a dealbreaker altogether. He needs to rip the bandaid off all at once or he seriously risks divorce. Sadly, even when they hear this, most don't get it and still lie (and eventually get caught). It's like another Dday.

 

As for books, "Not Just Friends" can be a real eye opener. It triggered me horribly (especially the first half of the book) but it really is an excellent book for a wayward to read. It helps them realize that their affair really wasn't that special or unique but in fact, fairly commonplace and stupid.