ow9 Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 So I fell in love with a MM. I too, was married, but have since gotten a divorce. I am 27. He, is 41. This past year has been heaven with him. He said he wanted to be with me...and so he told his wife. She said she wanted to make it work. On Wednesday...he called and said he was going to try with her as well. 3 days of NC. And I'm sick over this. I wrote a blog about this in much more detail if you'd like to read : http://Http://lindsaym9.blogspot.com/. I'm just desperate to know if I'll hear from him again and if not...how to let him go.
Pierre Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 So I fell in love with a MM. I too, was married, but have since gotten a divorce. I am 27. He, is 41. This past year has been heaven with him. He said he wanted to be with me...and so he told his wife. She said she wanted to make it work. On Wednesday...he called and said he was going to try with her as well. 3 days of NC. And I'm sick over this. I wrote a blog about this in much more detail if you'd like to read : http://Http://lindsaym9.blogspot.com/. I'm just desperate to know if I'll hear from him again and if not...how to let him go. Unless you want to spend the next 10 years of your life as the on and off OW you better end this relationship and go 100% NC. Furthermore, this guy is too old for you and will not leave his marriage. Go 100% NC. There is no other solution. 4
OpenBook Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 My bet - You'll hear from him again. But I think you're better off focusing on YOU. Get your life back! It shouldn't be revolving around him or any man. What do you love (besides romantic)? What gets you going? Go out and get it! Pursue it for all it's worth, until you're too exhausted to think about anything else. 3
alexandria35 Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 I think you should consider counselling. Considering that your father was a serial cheat its no surprise that you fell in love with a cheater or that you became a cheater yourself. You drink too much and you think the key to your happiness lies in a man. You are young right now and you have time to work on these things but don't squander away your youth on this needless drama. You seem to thrive on the drama of unhealthy relationships but this will get you nothing in the end. This is your life. What kind of life do you want it to be? You get to choose. So many people want to deny that they always had a choice and that their lives are exactly what they made of them. They act like everything in life just happened to them. In your blog you talk about the MM being yet another man who has f**ked you over. Here's a thought. Pick better men. If you want a man to value you then value yourself and learn to value things about men other than the superficial. You fall for good looks, over the top empty words and promises and hot sex. There's a lot of scoundrels out there who can provide you with those things, it comes effortlessly to some people, but it's not the stuff to build a truly caring lasting intimate relationship on. As I said you're young and right now the excessive drinking, the men, the self sabatoge, might make you feel alive and maybe isn't even all that unattractive to the opposite sex as you have youth and beauty on your side. Right now you can be a beautiful mess, but in 10-15 years from now you'll just be a mess. You have choices. Pick a better life for yourself. 10
Author ow9 Posted December 15, 2012 Author Posted December 15, 2012 Oh man. I have to be honest. I expected a few to tell me he is a dirt bag. A few to say I was a home wrecker. But to say I need counseling was a bit unexpected. That being said...I think you're right. He's not coming back. Maybe talking to someone will help me get over that fact. I've just been hanging on to hope a little too much these past few days as I thought our year together actually was something.
promises Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 Oh man. I have to be honest. I expected a few to tell me he is a dirt bag. A few to say I was a home wrecker. But to say I need counseling was a bit unexpected. That being said...I think you're right. He's not coming back. Maybe talking to someone will help me get over that fact. I've just been hanging on to hope a little too much these past few days as I thought our year together actually was something. It was something, no doubt. Don't believe that it wasn't. It's just these guys.. They won't leave. And you deserve more. Couseling is just people saying that same thing. I feel for you, parts of your story mimicking mine. Be strong for you. 1
Author ow9 Posted December 15, 2012 Author Posted December 15, 2012 So what was the point? I tried to end it...a few times actually...but he said since we're meant to be together he wasn't letting go. Why drag this out if he had no intention of being win me? Do men like this come calling again? And if so...how do I handle it?
promises Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 So what was the point? I tried to end it...a few times actually...but he said since we're meant to be together he wasn't letting go. Why drag this out if he had no intention of being win me? Do men like this come calling again? And if so...how do I handle it?[/quote I'll write more later but, I also tried to end it like 6 times. It's going to end on his terms if you don't. The problem is when you try to end it, they will pull all the right moves to get you back. A friend told me something that I try to remember.. Love is also about respecting boundaries. I thought this guy was the absolute love of my life, I'd known him a long time before the A. This sucks. All of it. I don't know what the point was in my case other than reminding me to always choose me first. I got lost in his world.
darkmoon Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 get out more, i know i brood forever unless i'm distracted xx
Pierre Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 Oh man. I have to be honest. I expected a few to tell me he is a dirt bag. A few to say I was a home wrecker. But to say I need counseling was a bit unexpected. That being said...I think you're right. He's not coming back. Maybe talking to someone will help me get over that fact. I've just been hanging on to hope a little too much these past few days as I thought our year together actually was something. MOM will come back, all MOM come back. MOM loves you within the affair bubble. Outside the affair bubble his love falls apart. Within the affair bubble the love he has for you is quite real. He loves you as the OW and this love is very intense. However, he also loves his wife and daughters and in many instances they will not destroy the family. MOM was eating cake with you. IN other words you were supplementing his marriage because he was probably bored. Whatever he said to you he probably felt it was right, but this was said within the heightened emotions of the affair bubble. You need psychotherapy to understand why you thought an older MOM was a good idea. Most balanced young women pay no attention to older married men. 5
Author ow9 Posted December 15, 2012 Author Posted December 15, 2012 I have to say...this in itself has been therapeutic. I guess my issue is we had seen each other once in the last 6 months, as he lives very far away. Why was he holding on if it was nothing more than texting? Maybe because the first 6 months together were that great? Gosh I don't know. I really appreciate all of your input. I am climbing the walls here and this has really helped.
sweet_pea Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 I know it hurts, and I'm sorry that it does but I think that it'd be better for you to stop wondering why. No matter the reasons, the deed is done (for now) and the relationship is over. Pondering continuously about why MM did this or that doesn't help you in moving forward, but sets you back. Instead, focus on where you are now and the steps you need to take to get to where you want to be
Pierre Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 I have to say...this in itself has been therapeutic. I guess my issue is we had seen each other once in the last 6 months, as he lives very far away. Why was he holding on if it was nothing more than texting? Maybe because the first 6 months together were that great? Gosh I don't know. I really appreciate all of your input. I am climbing the walls here and this has really helped. Relationships are like an addiction. That is why a breakup is so painful. He was addicted to you as the OW and he was medicating his addiction with texting. You also want to medicate your addiction to MOM with more contact and texting, but in the end you will be more addicted. An alcoholic would never treat his alcohol addiction by sipping beer and wine. It does not work that way, you need to go 100% NC and forget this guy. He loved you and I am sure the sex was amazing, it usually is. Sex in affairs feels more intense. He is addicted to you, but he is also addicted to his wife and children. You need to walk away and seek psychotherapy. Most normal balanced women pay zero attention to married men unless they are highly vulnerable due to some issues.
Author ow9 Posted December 15, 2012 Author Posted December 15, 2012 So he will contact me again. But why? All of these posts are causing 1000 things to run through my mind. He's the one for me. He knows it. Said after he "tried" with his wife and it didnt work out he would contact me then. Is that just another string? Another string even after it's over?!@
Pierre Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 So he will contact me again. But why? All of these posts are causing 1000 things to run through my mind. He's the one for me. He knows it. Said after he "tried" with his wife and it didnt work out he would contact me then. Is that just another string? Another string even after it's over?!@ They contact again 99% of the time. He will want to continue the affair because he loves to eat cake. No he is not the one for you. He is not a good match. He is older, married, and with three kids. Furthermore, he is not like you. You left your husband for him. He will never leave his wife for you. Does the wife know you are his OW? If he is keeping you a secret it simply means he wants an affair and nothing else. Are you willing to be the concubine no strings attached? Get this inside your head: Whatever words he said to you were only valid within the affair bubble. His love is quite real within the affair, but this love does not jive with his other compartment. The board is full of OWs that were in your shoes. Get out now while you are still young. Seek therapy and learn why you think this MOM is a good guy.
veryhappy Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 (edited) So he will contact me again. But why? All of these posts are causing 1000 things to run through my mind. He's the one for me. He knows it. Said after he "tried" with his wife and it didnt work out he would contact me then. Is that just another string? Another string even after it's over?!@ Yes, that's classic. He doesn't want to let go mentally to anything. He doesn't want to lose yiou, he doesn't want to lose the marriage. Their working out on the M will happen over years. I'm talking years. They can also go back to some lukewarm equilibrium they used to have, and that will be all. Do not believe his words, don't accept to be made second choice and left hoping. That hope will keep you away from living your life. He's selfish that's all. When he started with you, he didn't choose to work on the M, did he? Do not stay an option for him. Edited December 15, 2012 by cutedragon
Author ow9 Posted December 15, 2012 Author Posted December 15, 2012 From what he told me...he told his wife he loved me. Met with an attorney but the financial ramifications were too much to continue. He said he doesn't want to make it work with her...but has to...
awkward Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 Have you verified that anything he told you was true? Do you know (other than the words from a known liar) that he told his wife about you? That he saw an attorney? 2
Author ow9 Posted December 15, 2012 Author Posted December 15, 2012 No...I guess I have no proof. He gave a lot of detail. But from what it's been until now...we have been honest with each other. Ok...say he is lying to me...what kind of difference does that make? Is it worse or better?
awkward Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 The difference is between you going bunny boiler on him. If you believe him then there is no point in telling his wife. If you knew he was just dumping you for whatever reason (sometimes it is because of OOW), you might get pissed and tell his wife. That is why so many men break up with the OW in this manner, hoping they won't blow up their world. 2
awkward Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 (edited) What kind of details did he give? Has his wife tried to contact you? Does he still use his cell phone and email in the same manner? Keep that in mind when he contacts you. Wouldn't his wife check the cell phone records since she knows he is in love with someone else? Edited December 15, 2012 by awkward
Author ow9 Posted December 15, 2012 Author Posted December 15, 2012 Please. I would never tell his wife. I know little about her and I don't even know where I'd start if I did want to contact her. He said how she reacted. How they've done nothing but fight and have sex since (same as my husband and I) and his attorneys names etc. Is he really still playing me? I was the one who told him he needs to think about his wife before we ended up together. What do you think?
awkward Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 I don't know. The hysterical bonding part seems common so does the fighting. Personally, I would have a hard time believing anything he says.
veryhappy Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 You are in denial, which is very normal. I know you are trying to understand the situation, but reality likely is he'll never be with you, he's having hysterical sex with his wife, and his only concern is how to make her happy or at least stop fighting. You don't matter anymore. You are history at best, and a mistake at worst. You need to let go of hope for your own good. He doesn't have to work on his M. He chooses to. He also chose to discard you in the process. That's the bottom line. His crocodile tears will do little for you when anger will hit you.
promises Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 You are in denial, which is very normal. I know you are trying to understand the situation, but reality likely is he'll never be with you, he's having hysterical sex with his wife, and his only concern is how to make her happy or at least stop fighting. You don't matter anymore. You are history at best, and a mistake at worst. You need to let go of hope for your own good. He doesn't have to work on his M. He chooses to. He also chose to discard you in the process. That's the bottom line. His crocodile tears will do little for you when anger will hit you. This is so true and the hardest dose of reality for me right now. And the W thinks he's such a gem. Good for them.
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