massive regret and wishing i had a time machine

[smog]

Hey,

 

its been a week or so since i posted on here. My mood over the past month has been pretty low. Prior to this i would go through days of having highs and feeling positive about the future and moving on in life. I have not had any of these feelings for a good month now and I am starting to feel a lot of regret.

 

We have been seperated almost 3 months now and i am finding it hard to let go even though she is now driving the divorce proceedure. Part of me believes that 'if only' i were to send her a text or write a letter i might be able to fix things.

 

Bearing in mind that we havent spoken in a good month...

 

I almost sent a text this morning saying 'i really miss you and I regret everything that happenend with us. You are on my mind every single day and i wish things could be different'

 

I love her so much I hate myself for not going after her for shutting down and creating distance. At the time it felt like the right thing to do to protect myself from more pain but now i wish i jadent because it feels as though i didnt do everything in my power after she left to save things.

 

I'm in a really dark place today and desperately need some support.

 

I cant accept that we wont live our life together anymore and that our hopes and dreams wont ever happen.

 

Why do i convince myself that there is still hope and that by making contact i change change her mind

[nivek71]

hi smog

 

If i were in your shoes i would bite the bullet and let her know what you truly feel. this way you will know for sure if there is any chance of getting back together.

i have recently split from my wife of 12 years and i am still devastated, (she ended it) but i still believed there may be a chance of getting back together.

I needed to know one way or the other so i asked her and the response was no. I really didn't want to hear this but at least i now know there is no return and i have got to move on with my life.

 

Just let her know but be prepared for the answer good or bad.

 

keep trying to stay positive

regards

 

Nivek71

Edited December 15, 2012 by nivek71
spelling

[Cedarman]

IF you do send the letter be prepared for no response, or a cold response.

 

The reality is your wife chose to be unfaithful, chose to leave. Asking HER for another chance will likely just make her think "WTF?". It is tough during the holidays - but just keep in mind that she is also capable of reaching out - and with the holidays it would be a perfect excuse. Has she?

 

So take some time to think before sending or modify the letter to a simple "Just thought of you with Christmas coming. Best wishes for the holidays" or something a little less pleading.

[smog]

thanks for the response.

 

I suppose the only thing that keeps me hanging on is that she has claimed that i never did enough to fight for the relationship after she left ...this his come up time and time again when she left and we finally met up again she had a go at me for not chasing after her? She also left me a letter on one occasion saying that my lack of fight and proven to her that she had made the right decision.

 

Maybe if i sent something it might chnage things? or am i just in denial?

[Cedarman]

thanks for the response.

 

I suppose the only thing that keeps me hanging on is that she has claimed that i never did enough to fight for the relationship after she left ...this his come up time and time again when she left and we finally met up again she had a go at me for not chasing after her? She also left me a letter on one occasion saying that my lack of fight and proven to her that she had made the right decision.

 

Maybe if i sent something it might chnage things? or am i just in denial?

 

Well, if she's asking you to fight for her and you believe her, then fight for her. Just be prepared that it might all be a head game on her part. Don't go overboard with hope. She might just be looking to be pursued so that she can be in control again. I would recommend that you be very careful to prevent further pain. If she's sincere and it works, great. But if you feel like you could not take further rejection then don't bother. Be prepared for anything.

[Steadfast]

Cheer up friend. You're being judged, convicted and sentenced by a woman who doesn't know what love is.

 

The wife of a couple I once knew suffered through cancer, with her losing both of her breasts. After she came home and they tried to re-establish a routine, she became very bitter...mean...trying to make him leave. Finally, he asked "Do you love me?" "Yes" she answered. "You know I do." "Then why are you trying to get rid of me?" He asked. She broke down.

 

The woman was terrified that her husband would lose his attraction for her. She did not want to go through that pain...in her mind, she had suffered enough and her offensive protected her from more. When the husband learned this, he simply told her that she wasn't going to get rid of him that easily and besides, where would he go? Anywhere without her wasn't home. The love they shared was the strongest I had ever seen. He died from cancer two years later. He was greatly honored and admired.

 

He fought for her...for them. That's fighting for love. Not chasing after a woman who, for whatever reason, decides to move out and move on. That's fighting for control and it's a fight you'll lose. Love doesn't control.

[smog]

Thanks Steadfast that makes a lot of sense and is very inspiring.

 

To be honest my life right now feels empty without her and feels as though it has no purpose, she completed me. What kills me is that she hasnt made any effort to contact me or make things better yet i still hold onto hope because i love her. My hopes and dreams are gone. We had planned to move house and have a child next year i wish i had done these things with her earlier then maybe all of this wouldnt have happened. Im 31 now and im worried about my future without her.

[Cedarman]

At 31, you are too young to think you need her to make your life complete. No kids? Then you have even less reason to put up with her actions. Sorry if that sound insensitive to your situation, but be thankful that you're young and you have no kids to complicate things. Open your eyes to the possibilities of finding your true soulmate out there. Browse a few online dating sites. Yeah, a lot of the profiles are probably fake, but the reality is there are a lot of woman looking for an honest man who isn't afraid to commit.

 

You have a great future with or without her.

[Steadfast]

My hopes and dreams are gone. We had planned to move house and have a child next year i wish i had done these things with her earlier then maybe all of this wouldnt have happened. Im 31 now and im worried about my future without her.

 

Or, you can be grateful/thankful/relieved that it doesn't include her. Often times, what we fear the most is what we need the most. It could be a blessing in disguise. My unhappy, never-satisified ex-wife cheated and left when I was 48. I remember thinking (at that age) that my life was over. Too old to start over again. Hogwash! She made me feel old and useless.

 

I went back and read some of your old posts, just to get some history. But before I comment, please know I am responding to what you wrote. If it isn't true or you're leaving something out, then my advice on the situation is worthless. Ok? No marriage is completely one sided. Own your part.

 

While I see no mention of a third person (which I believe is a deal breaker) I DO see your wife as an unhappy sort who was seldom-to-never pleased or grateful. Generally, people who act this way are unhappy. When they realize that you can't make them happy, your value to them is lost. You cannot inject happiness or joy into a person who does not want to accept it. People bring happiness to other people; they help create a happy environment. It is up to us as individuals to seek and grasp happiness. A person looking to another for it is a person destined for disappointment.

 

Very often, we'll make the unhappy defensive by exposing it. Many times, their response is to completely shut you out in an attempt to punish, or hide from the problem. I'd wager that's what your wife is doing.

 

At least in part.

 

Because I see no mention of unfaithfulness, there is nothing wrong with you giving it another shot. Be straight with her. Tell her you love her, want her and miss her. Tell her you can't make her happy, but you're more than willing to go through the process of finding it with her. That's all you can do. How she reacts and what she does is up to her. You offer, then wait.

 

How long is up to you. Usually, something happens to seal the deal in the interim.

 

To many people, controlling their relationships with a heavy hand is what they have learned. They know no other way. Tell your wife that you ask for no more than you're willing to give, and will accept no less. No matter what, never, ever kiss a woman's ass. See above. Demand no more than you're willing to give, and never waver from it. Be kind. Be strong. Kindness is not to be confused with weakness. Making an apology for doing the right thing is weakness. Never apologize for loving and caring.

 

That's my advice. I hope you find some usefulness in it.

[Cali408]

I think you've handled it well giving her space. Fight for her? That sounds like an ego trip to me. DO NOT TEXT!

 

Call her or meet face to face. If you want her back, tell her you do. But, prepare yourself for rejection, because I'm 90% sure, she'll tell you to scram. But if you feel you must try, please do.

 

The good news, you're only 31 with no baggage. You can soar single if you want. She sounds like she is unpleasable.

 

Best of luck in whatever you decide, I'd keep moving forward if it was me, but it's up to you!

[smog]

I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm terrified if I do that not only will I get rejected but I will also find something out that I would rather not such as that she is seeing someone else or is much happier without me. Don't think my confidence could take that right now. I just wish I could enjoy my singledom right now but I'm really finding it difficult to enjoy anything as it no longer involves her. It seems everyone I meet I compare to her and it feels like I make no connections because of this. Bluuurgh! Despite what an absolute nightmare my life was I still find myself wanting it back. Why didn't I just go ahead and have kids with her things would be much different we would be a strong family unit and would support each other none of this clubbing every sat night would ever of happened! I've miss my opportunity it feels like!

[aMguilts]

I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm terrified if I do that not only will I get rejected but I will also find something out that I would rather not such as that she is seeing someone else or is much happier without me. Don't think my confidence could take that right now. I just wish I could enjoy my singledom right now but I'm really finding it difficult to enjoy anything as it no longer involves her. It seems everyone I meet I compare to her and it feels like I make no connections because of this. Bluuurgh! Despite what an absolute nightmare my life was I still find myself wanting it back. Why didn't I just go ahead and have kids with her things would be much different we would be a strong family unit and would support each other none of this clubbing every sat night would ever of happened! I've miss my opportunity it feels like!

 

ah , haven`t we all??

 

You need to stop . You are building yourself into the biggest wreck ever.

Head on mass wreckage!!

 

why? why what?

why this? why that?

Why nothing

 

 

aM

[aMguilts]

stop questioning everything.

I can feel your pain, hell, i`m living your pain!

When all you can see is blackness?

close your eyes

aM

[Cedarman]

I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm terrified if I do that not only will I get rejected but I will also find something out that I would rather not such as that she is seeing someone else or is much happier without me. Don't think my confidence could take that right now. I just wish I could enjoy my singledom right now but I'm really finding it difficult to enjoy anything as it no longer involves her. It seems everyone I meet I compare to her and it feels like I make no connections because of this. Bluuurgh! Despite what an absolute nightmare my life was I still find myself wanting it back. Why didn't I just go ahead and have kids with her things would be much different we would be a strong family unit and would support each other none of this clubbing every sat night would ever of happened! I've miss my opportunity it feels like!

 

 

I bolded the biggest delusion in our post. Having kids would only create additional complications if your marriage is not sound. Even if your marriage IS sound, kids add a whole new dimension which can be a real challenge to a marriage. My marriage is a perfect example. With kids, the clubbing thing WOULD happen - the only difference is, you would be home with the kids while your wife went out clubbing. Again, be thankful that you face this decision with no complications and that you're young enough that you can have another chance to meet your soul mate and grow together.

[2.50 a gallon]

Having read you other posts, I personally think that you are well rid of her. Don't go blaming yourself. From what I read you did more than your share. What you described was not a marriage and she never would have changed.

 

What you are going thru, the roller coaster, self doubt, depression are all typical during a break up, almost everyone on this board has been through it. Just take it one day at a time, and eventually it will get better.

 

When we first break up we get this idea that I will never find that magic with someone else. You are only 31, you are just hitting your prime, trust me you will find that magic again and this time it will be so much better

 

And don't go thinking that having kids is a cure all. From what I have read her perfectionist attitude doomed your marriage from day one. If you would have had kids the results would have been the same, but your depression would have been exponentionally worse, and you would have been stuck paying her and probably another man to raise your kids.

 

Think positive! You will find someone new, it might take awhile, but it will happen, simply for the fact that it is something you want out of life.

 

I was 35 before I married, then after the break up swore that I would never fall in love again and was really happy living alone. And it still happened to me.

[smog]

It feels like I will never be able to let go. Believe me I'm not sat around on my own feeling sorry for myself I'm getting out and staying busy. But I do know that there is a huge part of me holding onto her and I can't let go, I don't know how to. I worry that I will never meet someone like her again or that I will be forced to accept second best. Every new person I meet I compare to my ex I just don't know how to switch this feeling off!

[Oberfeldwebel]

Right now you are depressed over the loss of your marriage. Additionally the holiday season is here, so when everyone around you appears so high over the events of the season you feel even lower. You need to get yourself through the season. How do you do that? I recommend that you take the focus off of yourself and find avenues that you can help others. Buy a gift for the needy, volunteer at a soup kitchen, do things for the needy in your area.

 

She has convinced you that you are not worthy of her and that if you had only tried to win back the fair maiden that you could have lived happily ever after. This is a fairy tale and she is doing what she is doing for her own selfish reasons. If she blames you, it takes the onus off of her. She has to step on you to climb the ladder to happiness. Just remember FAIRY TALES AREN'T TRUE, but you have to quit believing in them to get better.

 

Exercise is extremely important as it helps you cope with stress, makes you more healthy and makes you more attractive to a women who is worthy of you. Be somebody folks want to be around, this can be hobbies, volunteer work, etc. This also gives you a venue to meet new people that share common interests as you. This is also a good time to invest your efforts in your job as well. You need to have someone give you a good slap and say "HEY you are worthy". You do deserve to be with someone that loves you as an equal partner in a relationship and not someone to feed her selfish ego and that my friend is no fairy tale.

[road]

Why did your wife leave you?

 

What have you done to get her back?

[crazykat73]

I disagree with the majority of the posters here, maybe I can offer a woman's perspective on this. I was the one who moved out and have been separated 2 years now. I left because nothing was changing and felt like I was the only one who identified issues and wanted to correct them, but H was in denial and insisted everything was fine, but continued with destructive behavior to shield his pain of us distancing, which turned into this vicous cycle where I felt more distanced, etc. Long story short, IF he came after me, wrote me a letter, showed up at my door at my condo to fight for me, things may have been different. I have seen no real effort since I moved out. I've gotten text messages pleading (about a year ago), but no real effort that was tangible. Not saying I wanted to see him crawl to me, but if you're about to lose your wife, someone you've been with 13 years, I expected more. I was really open to reconciliation, but when he just put up with me moving and continued to live his life, started sleeping around with tons of women, and not coming after me, that pretty much showed me he was not going to try, just as he hadn't in the end when we lived together. We are still very friendly and talk weekly, have always been buddies...but marriage wise, we just felt like roommates, but if he showed an ounce of romance or longing in a physical sense, it may have swayed me. It's sad after 13 years, I haven't received one letter, one long paragraph in a card....yet, I've written him letters out of the blue telling him how much I love him (when we lived together)....long cards....looking back, I really just got his surface loving...no depth. He's just not capable I guess. I know he loves/loved me, but if you can't show it, what good is love? Some would argue he showed his love by his actions, but it's time to get a little deeper after 13 years.

 

Sorry to go off on a tangent, but I think you should pull out all the stops...and go for it. You are separated...not divorced. Give it your all and see if things change. You will always regret it if not. I know my H has said that he wished he hugged me more....

[K Os]

Long story short, IF he came after me, wrote me a letter, showed up at my door at my condo to fight for me, things may have been different. I have seen no real effort since I moved out. I've gotten text messages pleading (about a year ago), but no real effort that was tangible.

 

Sorry to continue a little further along this tangent, but your reply intrigues and stuns me, crazycat. How does a man turn up on a doorstep and fight for his wife when she has deserted him? I'd genuinely love to know, since it was my wife that left. What counts as a 'real effort'? What effort is 'tangible'?

 

I have to say, I think expecting any man to do this kind of 'chasing' when his spouse has actually left him is expecting something that most men are simply not prepared to do. Go or stay, it's pretty clear when you've made that choice. Just my view... Peace to you.

[smog]

Weird feeling today. Just finished work for the christmas break and on my way home. Normally I would be pretty excited about the time off and going home to my wife. Instead I'm on my way home to an empty house knowing that I will never spend another christmas with her again. The holidays are a tough time though I do get to spend it with my family which is a great thing!

 

In response to crazy cat. The night my wife left she came home and told me that she couldn't accept anything less than perfect and that I was happy with average. She left me in the house broken hearted, crying and confused! A week before she left she was on the phone to her sister joking about how she would be single next year and wondering who she would be having sex with when the family go on their annual campoing trip. All of this was within ear shot of me! She also confeSsed that in the first three weeks of us being seperated she kissed some guy at a nightclub! And she had the nerve to be cross at me for not chasing her!!?? There was no respect for me and in my opinion playing games!

Edited December 21, 2012 by smog

[2.50 a gallon]

smog

 

Do you want to spend the rest of your life trying to be perfect? She is never going to change. And you know she will be like a Marine DI looking for any little thing to get your goat

 

Believe me I understand how the holidays can bring you down. I married my Ex just a couple of days before Christmas. What would have been our first anniversary was not a happy time.

 

The next 10 days will be tuff. But after New Years it will all be over.

 

Dude, I have seen photos of my Ex 30 years later, she did not age well, we are talking at least 200 pounds.

 

While the gal that I have been with for almost 20 years, is a grandma, a couple of years away from turning 60 and still has a an hour glass figure. And she is the nicest, most giving person I have ever met. And there is no doubt she is all mine.

 

Some day it will happen to you, but it will never happen if your still with your now wife.

[smog]

Guys do you think maybe i was too laid back and should have broken no contact earlier? I'm now starting to think this is all my fault and the fact that I went no contact told her i didnt care about her or the marriage. I just assumed that because she left it was over and I didnt want to go through the pain of being hurt or being rejected anymore. People have got me thinking that I didnt treat her like a princess or maybe should have worked harder after we broke up to communicate with her.

 

What do you think?

[smog]

I suppose I have this fear of living in regret. Once the divorce is final there is no going back. Even though at the moment I do not have the urge to contact her and know it would probably be a mistake to get back together as nothing would change I don't know why I feel scared to let go. I suppose I fear I won't meet anyone better. Has anyone felt like this in the past to then of met someone else who was so much better?

 

Why do I fear letting go of a toxic relationship? I even hate the fact that I have to be all formal and serious in my emails to my wife about our divorce and splitting of assets. It was only three months ago that we were sharing the same bed!

 

Could really do with some advice.

[Oberfeldwebel]

It is tough to give detailed answers with limited information and the complexities of married life. Still I don't think women should be treated like princesses, I think that is the problem. Women that think they should be put on a pedestal and elevated above their partner is not good marriage material. You need a PARTNER to share life. They need to be treated with love, honesty and respect. People that think they are entitled are self centered and there is no way for that to be sustained long term.