mtn Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 (edited) Hi all, I have been a bit torn for a couple of years now and I was hoping you guys could perhaps help me (since I've seen some good advice on this forum...). Here's my problem: I am 22 year old guy, 6'2 and I am not unattractive, in that I work out three times a week and wear the latest fashions (but I am not George Clooney, either...sorry ladies;)). I had a rather difficult childhood, in that my father was verbally and emotionally abusive and it took a while before my parents got divorced. Nevertheless, me and my mother and sisters recuperated quite well from it (even though my early teens were hell) and I have been in therapy for a long time trying to process it. Even though the wound never really heals, I am safe to say that I function quite well in society and without therapy for quite some time. In addition to this, the whole situation at home has heightened my already high sensitive character, which means I am easily tired when other people are around me and that I can also feel stuff that other people do not usually feel or see. I can thus feel a lot of empathy, even when other people can't (sometimes I almost cry at movies and TV shows and stuff, even though it is not even THAT good acting). I do not have a lot of friends (since I would not be able to handle it), but a couple of good ones and I am quite satisfied about that. I am also ambitious and, without trying to be arrogant about it, quite smart. In a few years, I hope to go to grad school at an Ivy League type institution and my professors here in the US say I probably could.Linked to this, I will probably be moving around a lot the coming years, because I want to study abroad in couple of places, as I am doing now (I am not an American, I am from northern Europe and here for a semester at a private college). Now to the issue at hand. My desire for intimacy (not necessarily sex but having someone close to me) is pretty big, I think partially because of the void my father left. On the other hand, I find it very difficult to trust women ( and people in general), because I have been disappointed by so many people in my life that were so essential to my emotional well-being. If I were to have a girlfriend, it would cost me a lot in terms of stress, energy and time, because it is such an 'undertaking' for me. And just like a lot of guys on this forum, I have regular guy issues, which have nothing to do with me personally (like finding it tough to ask women out etc.). Given the relatively superficial few I just gave you of me, what do you think? Should I start dating women? I am constantly confused, because I know that when I start, I am going through a tough time emotionally and I am just sick of that. I have been through so much crap in my life and it took me a lot of pain to get that straightened out that I am just tired of it and I don't want to hurt my good career prospects or the hypothetical lady if I were to date. Since I move around the globe a lot, it is even harder to commit. And yet there is this great tug in me that wants to be intimate. What do you think? And girls, hypothetically, would you be interested in a complicated guy like me? Sorry for the long story and thanks;)!! Edited December 15, 2012 by mtn
newmoon Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 perhaps focus on dating instead of securing a serious girlfriend. if you start by finding fun girls and dates to go on i bet you'll start to come out of your shell more and more until, eventually, it won't be so emotionally stressful to be with a more serious girlfriend. i have a bf who struggles with emotional issues from his childhood too; it's not a turn-off for most women and does make a guy more empathetic and sensitive, which is always nice
Author mtn Posted December 15, 2012 Author Posted December 15, 2012 That is a good suggestion, newmoon. But, like I said, it is hard for me to find 'fun girls'. I generally do not really go out or anything, because human contact is just immensely tiring for me. in addition, my culture is a lot more restrictive on dating a lot of girls. Many people, of which I am one, date a lot less people than most Americans do. Dating is a pretty big step, or bigger anyways than in the States. Plus, I am quite sure that being around more people will not make it less emotionally stressful for me. It is just a characteristic I have that will not go away, and will probably only intensify if I see more people during the day.
newmoon Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 what about an online dating service? you can exchange pics and get to know a few people online before meeting them in person
Author mtn Posted December 16, 2012 Author Posted December 16, 2012 I could and I did, a few years ago. But experience learns that, generally, a man does not really go on that many dates with online dating, so it will not really lead to getting more comfortable with women, as you suggested. But you do think I should date? Or should I just wait until I am more settled and in a more stable environment?
lance.dark Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 Pardon me for the harshness of this, but I think you need to stop being such a wimp and get out there. You shot down multiple suggestions because you are "emotionally unstable". Honestly that seems like an excuse. Yes, you had a traumatic childhood. No, I do not know how that feels. At some point you are going to have to sack up (for lack of a better expression) if you want to get on with your life. Seeking pity from forums (or anyone else) is not going to help you.
Author mtn Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 Don't be sorry. You are not being harsh, I understand what you are saying. I am certainly not trying to seek pity and I have gone on with my life. I am just saying that these are just the facts that I have to deal with. I have 'sacked up', as you said, but I cannot really change my sensitivity. I wish I could. Maybe I did not express myself correctly. I did not really ask for suggestions where to meet girls or something like that. My question was whether you guys should think it would be wise for me to start dating right now, given the above situation.
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