KatyM18 Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 Hi I've lurked for ages and you all seem really helpful so thought I'd ask for your help. I was at a girly night last night and we were discussing dates etc and I've come away with my head spinning and totally unsure of what my situation is, so some impartial advice would be much appreciated. I apologise for the long post. I thought if I get everything down to make it clear (to both anyone reading and myself) I met someone a few weeks ago via online dating. We've met up about once a week due to living an hour apart as well as both having busy lifes. The first three dates were pub dates which all went quite well. My date and I chatted away like crazy basically talking about anything and everything. At the end of the third date we had a kiss and went our separate ways. I text to ask if he wanted to see each other again and he said yes but refused to commit to a date - he just said he was busy with long weekend plans and would keep me posted. I figured that if the guy didn't actually make a plan with me then he's just not that interested but didn't want to say so. I told him that was fine and to have a good weekend. I didn't expect to hear from him again. 4 days later I got a text from him asking how my weekend had been, what I'd been up to etc. After a couple of days texting we arranged to have a dvd and pizza date, during which I mentioned that I thought he was blowing me off before and he admitted he'd had cold feet but he'd got in touch because he did enjoy seeing me. We had a bit of a kiss and a cuddle and one thing led to another. Same thing for the fifth date. After that we were both really busy for a fortnight (due to it being the holiday season) and couldn't find a night to see each other so we arranged to meet for a casual lunch at the weekend, this plan changed when he asked me to go to his so he could cook for me and then I could stay over with him. However I felt he turned a bit odd in the morning almost pushing me out of the door as soon as we woke up. Anyway we've been chatting this week and he's invited me to his place on Wednesday to hang out, Wednesday being the only day he can do this next week due to lots of Christmas plans and meet ups. I kind of took this at face value (assuming that because of it being Christmas he was busy) but my friends are adamant that because he's not offered to take me out on Wednesday then I'm a booty call and to get rid of him. I think one of the other things that has put my friends off is that he has a lot of female friends and he's been telling me about them. Also, he's quite friendly with his female neighbours (texting them etc). He has also been telling me all about his male friends as well though. (I've not been introduced or have plans to meet any of them) I'm now wavering between both view points (that we've started dating during a busy time of year / friends with benefits) and it's making me crazy! I just don't know now what's going on and while I know the best thing to do would be to ask him - I've already gotten attached to (the idea of?) him and really dread being told I'm just a ****. Plus if I was right and we're dating will a needy status request text at this early stage put him off me? I'm still utterly confused. In your unbiased opinions -am I dating him or "benefiting" him? Where do I go / what do I do from here? Thank you in advance for your advice. (Apologies again for the long post)
NoMoreJerks Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 While I appreciate that people might be busy, this sounds more like a booty call situation, IMO. Also, note that the fact that he admitted he had gotten "cold feet" may have been intentional. Not every guy who is honest, is honest for a decent reason. Sometimes they use their honesty as a way to play you. He may have been completely honest about him having gotten cold feet, but that does not mean that he no longer has cold feet now that he is seeing you again. It's just about lulling you into a false sense of security -- making you think that he's gotten over that now.
El Brujo Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 You asked about benefits... I have health insurance, a 401k, and an IRA, so a date would just be icing on the cake.
xpaperxcutx Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 Red flags- -He's so eager to invite you over to his place to stay the night but hasn't bothered to make plans with you outside his home -You haven't met his friends and/or family -He hasn't bothered to ask you for exclusivity Unfortunately the last one does correlate with someone looking for a booty. A man who is interested in a woman makes time to date her, no matter how busy he is and certainly, he will go out of his way to give her a title. It isn't that you don't know what to do, you are just emotionally attached him and thus thinking with your hormones, rather than your head. I'm sure given the holiday season, you're just more inclined to want to have somebody in your life, but you can do yourself a huge favor by not settling for less. A guy who just wants to work all the time and leave you in a constant state of doubt is not someone who wants a relationship. Yes, he wants your company, but only for his self-interest; to have sex without attachment. Save yourself the troubles, wish him a happy holiday and go on your merry way. Always look for action rather than words. A man can speak so much but can hardly ever follow through.
veggirl Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 I agree with Papercut. Plus it doesn't sound like you guys are in that regular of contact? It took 4 days for him to ask about your weekend? How are you going to build a relationship off getting together once a week (maximum) and no daily contact otherwise? You should NOT have to ask a guy where you stand. If you are questioning where you stand...its probably not where you want to be. Also you already sent the "needy" text, when you said he seems uninterested or whatever. He knows he has you, he knows you want him...he's not reciprocating. Busy, perhaps, but if he was interested he would be in more contact with you after 5 dates! Cold feet after the 4th date? Sheesh. It's not like you were asking the dude to marry you.
2sunny Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 A guy who REALLY is into you would drive to see you... AFTER asking you out on a DATE! You've trained him to not ask you OUT - only to invite you to drive an hour and give him sex. He's busy on weekends with gals he's asking OUT! I hope you've used protection! 1
Author KatyM18 Posted December 15, 2012 Author Posted December 15, 2012 Hi all Thank you all for taking the time to read and for your honest advice. You're absolutely right and I really needed to hear it. I think my hormones have been making my decisions instead of my head! I'm gonna let him know Wednesday's off and not to contact me again. Thank you for your advice.
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