Love/Feelings/Emotions Question. It doesnt matter...but it does to me

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

(Kinda long but please read) Hey everyone. Its 5 am here writing this, and I have a question that maybe you guys can help me out with. For my full story on the breakup, the link is below....

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/360276-girlfriend-three-years-breaks-up-says-she-fell-out-love-i-dont-understand

 

Cliff notes for those who dont (GF three years broke up with me at 21 years old. She told me on the day that she was co-dependent on me. Says all she wanted to do was do things with me ALL the time and had a hard time doing things without me. Said she needed to go to therapy to deal with that and other childhood issues I wont bring up. Said she loved me a lot and would come back and promised)

 

So, when I met her, she was 19 and never actually had a "meaningful relationship." She fell in love, but I dont know if she ever really knew was love was/is. I've been in love twice: my GF of three years before that, and the current EX. so I know the feelings. So, I never doubted she loved me...she would always write notes about how amazing I was, how she would never leave me, how I take such good care of her, etc etc.....she would always tell me how amazing I was and how we would be together forever. Even during this summer, she told me that a bunch when she went on a trip overseas. I didnt doubt she really really cared for me. She has ALWAYS had incredibly low self esteem. She thought no one would ever love her, thought she was ugly, etc. So when someone showed her real caring, she bit hard. The Co-Dependency part came when we moved in together after a year and a half. She never wanted to hang with friends, just me. Even when we had NOTHING planned. I NEVER had any worries of her cheating lets just say that. She was attached to me hardcore.

 

During the summer, we were good, but something was feeling off. Maybe just busy at work for me and she was stressed a bunch... Went on a vacation in July and it was good, but still felt something was off..When we got back, I had a BUSY schedule at work for the next couple of months...from like 9am to 11pm type stuff so I was not home at lot or at all. We kinda hit a bump in the road so to speak. I was very grumpy and was mad at the world and I would come home and do nothing at all but just bitch. We werent as close. We didnt argue, it just wasnt as close. So weeks leading up to the BU, she was going out a lot with her friends. I was glad. It was happening almost every weekend for a month. Never worried. She was acting weird one weekend and stayed out really late on a sunday. I was asleep in bed and had to let her in at 12am. I didnt say a word just went to bed. So the next day, take her to work and she says she loves me and leaves. That night, the BU happened as described up above.....

 

So she went to therapy for 8 weeks. She moved herself into a loft and what not. I dont understand WHY she had to do this alone and BU with me, but whatever....so the first several weeks, she was saying "I miss you so much, I love you, you are the one...Im going to fix myself and come back to you I promise...yada yada. She would call and say after my therapy, can we try us again please and how she was afraid I would leave her during this time of need. During the weekends, she is still going out with friends ALL the time, dressing WAY more provactive than ever. I'm thinking the therapy sessions were really helping her open up to herself and become stronger. She was taking more contol of her life and being...in charge? Lets just say she had a lot more confidence then I have ever seen. Before the BU, she just took off her braces she had on, lost a bunch of weight over the summer, and got her hair redid before we went on our vacation. Probably being hit on by guys makes her happy... Okay, so that goes on for a bit....one week (like week 3 or 4 of therapy), she starts texting less, doesnt say that stuff anymore. I wait two weeks with LC, so I say how I feel to her and write a sappy note saying we have what everyone in this world searches for in true love and blah blah...well, she calls me after reading that, she calls me and says I dont want to be in a relationship right now and I fell out of love with me....I bug her all week telling her things can change and I even mention I have a date that week which didnt make her happy but she said okay well enjoy...so finally, I hit her up with messages and she finally just says: "I'm not in love with you anymore, I don't want us anymore, I dont want to try again and backtrack, I do want happiness and love again, just not with you, and she has let us go, and she doest feel the same love to me as I do her" Again, this was the same girl about three weeks previously was saying I love you so much, and I want us to get back together... She never says any of this with anger or resentment, just casual and calm and says sorry a lot but thats how I feel and we can still be friends at least (I said NO to that). I would text something angerly and she was just say I'm sorry and that if I MUST know, there is a guy she likes but again, she doesnt want a relationship right now. I dont know if anything is going on with them and dont care for this part of the convo. She changed into something different..

 

So that was about a month ago. I NC'd for about three weeks and she texted twice hoping I was well (felt guilty im sure) to which I did not respond. We have texted on and off this week with nothing of importance just making jokes type stuff. She is going out ALL THE TIME now. Looking at Facebook stuff, every pic of her is her "dolled up" looking amazing, but dressing WAY differently, doing things she would never do (get wasted a bunch) and doing pretty much the typical 21 year old stuff. Just real stuff out of the norm she wouldn't usually do. No pictures with guys, just a bunch with her girlfriends....

 

Okay so this is where I need help. No one knows her personally, so there isnt a straight answer to this, but maybe... I'm hurt obviously, but I'm coping. The reason says was she didnt love me anymore. I get that people can lose feelings a bit, espcially when it becomes a bit routine. It was really interesting though how she spends her weekends now and maybe there is another guy that she found and showed attention to her, dont know. We had a great relationship and never fought and she always said she loved me and told me how attractive I was, etc etc. Since she is so young and hasnt experienced anything, I was chalking it up to GIGS. What I guess is bothering me is her feelings part of it. She was saying all the time how much she cares and even after the BU saying how much she loves me (Did not pressure her to say any of that. She went out of her way to tell me this). Then one week (this was AFTER I told her how I really felt. Lovey stuff), she shuts me down, turns into a bitch and just shuts me off. I guess, I find it hard to believe someone just shuts down "love" like its a light switch.

 

I still "hope" that there is something here, but I'm not holding my breath. And before I ask the question, I'm not activly seeking out a relationship with her again, but there is still hope on my end...But, I guess my problem is was there anything love at all, or was it just the fact she was with me because I was the only person who showed her that much attention? Is this more of 21/GIGS rather than "I do NOT love my BF anymore?" Now that guys/other people are showing her attention, was there ever love/feelings/emotions she had for me? Is the fact she hasnt loved anyone else make her confused on what real love is? Can love be rekindled after breakups?

 

I say that IVE NEVER showed her that I didn't care about her and I was always supportive duing this whole ordeal. I've always been there for her...weeks before, she had no doubts (I asked her during her therapy if she loved me and she said yes very much and then Id ask do you have any doubts, and she said no EVERY time).

 

Sorry its so long...does this make any sense? I want there to have actually been love for me in there. As I've told myself, I have to move on and I get that...If she feel out of love as she says, I want there to be a POSSIBILITY that MAYBE down the road, there could be a chance for love again if it was ever there.....

[Samilia]

I don't think that people fall out of love on the way to the store, no. It's a gradual chain of events, someone new, the realization that one isn't right for us, etc.. I do believe people lie, to others, and even to themselves.

 

Turning into the perfect boyfriend doesn't make people love you. I wish there was a book for that. Although there is for the classical mistake people make in a relationship; being available to her every desire might have been a turn off down the road.

 

You're telling yourself you were bugging her for days on end, hounding her, pressuring her... that's not really attractive. It's scary, at least to me.

 

Not wanting to give up on something doesn't make it a noble cause.

 

By the length of your post it seem like you need therapy to get over this break up, take responsibility for your own mistakes.

[HaveFaithxx]

Yes, she loved you. But it seems like love isn't her first priority right now. When I was in high school I had a boyfriend from 16 to 19. I loved him so much; he was my everything. But when I turned 19 and old enough to go to the bar (I'm from Canada), then going out with my friends, drinking and dancing in clubs, meeting new people, and flirting with guys was so much fun and so exciting. It was such a rush, that I didn't need that beautiful feeling you get when you are with the one you love. Life was a blast that I didn't miss my boyfriend. And we broke up as soon as I started going out. Of course now it is a different story, when I am 35 years old, sure it's fun to go out, but it doesn't feel as fun as when I was 21. She loved you, and could still have feelings for you now. But she has other things on her mind. My ex bf is 15 years younger than me, so Im going through the same thing...

[Billyjo]

oh I can soo relate to you. I'll admit, I didn't read the ENTIRE post but I think I got the jist and my situation was very similar. When I met my ex she was OBSESSED with me. Like, the other day I made the mistake of looking over old FB messages from when we first met and she actually said "I'm so obsessed with you I would literally die if you ever left me." Looking back I'm not sure how I didn't run for the hills, but I loved her too. Cut to now, four years later, where she dumped me and I am left with a lot of the same questions you have. Could I have just been anyone who payed enough attention to her? Which let me tell you scares the sh*t out of me because I know there is someone new in her life and I don't know yet if it's a friend or more but I have that fear that she's still that same insecure person who will become obsessed with ANYONE who shows her a little love back and I think that's really what hurts the most- feeling like we could've just been anyone...

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Hey guys thanks for the answers so far. It's been a struggle the past couple of days for me personally...

 

Sam-I do agree with you. When she first broke up with me, she kept saying "Im coming back I swear...you have nothing to worry about" and all that stuff, so when she flipped the story 180 degrees, I flipped out myself. Im definatly not proud of myself for hounding her about it for a week and I did apologize to her and she forgave it but still doesn't make it right. I know things got boring to her. We were living a very adult life (work, home, dinner, Tv, bed) and for a 21 year old, it was too much....and we talked marriage to which was NOT a good idea. I take full blame for not being there for her as i should have been and taking her for granted. I took her SO much for granted and i want her to know this, but I don't know what else to do to have her with me.......

 

Faith-Thank you for your honesty. I feel like it fits in the same situation. As soon as she started to party, things were different. She went from us to just her at the drop of a hat. It's disappointing for sure.

 

Billyjo- Women.......am I right lol

[denxnis]

I feel like I just read something I wrote 1 month ago.

 

I just turned 24, she recently turned 22. Check the facts below,

 

(1) We too lived a very adult life. Career oriented, not much partying, working on buying house/travelling in future.

 

(2) She was OBSESSED with me. Texted me happy monthaversary, did basically anything I wanted.

 

(3) Bad childhood when she was around the age of 5-6, won't go into details.

 

(4) I get new job, start working a lot, she sees me less often.

 

(5) Moves into new apartment with 2 single girls.

 

(6) Gets crush on coworker, tells me it's just a stupid crush.

 

(7) 1 1/2 months later we are still broken up and I'm going, "wtf just happened, we had a pretty awesome future lined up"

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

p

I feel like I just read something I wrote 1 month ago.

 

I just turned 24, she recently turned 22. Check the facts below,

 

(1) We too lived a very adult life. Career oriented, not much partying, working on buying house/travelling in future.

 

(2) She was OBSESSED with me. Texted me happy monthaversary, did basically anything I wanted.

 

(3) Bad childhood when she was around the age of 5-6, won't go into details.

 

(4) I get new job, start working a lot, she sees me less often.

 

(5) Moves into new apartment with 2 single girls.

 

(6) Gets crush on coworker, tells me it's just a stupid crush.

 

(7) 1 1/2 months later we are still broken up and I'm going, "wtf just happened, we had a pretty awesome future lined up"

 

Lol yeah that story sounds similar. Sometimes, that is the way life is. Do you still talk to her on a daily basis? Going No Contact? Thats pretty rough....sounds like the realness of getting a house, traveling a lot, possibly being with one person this young....some people will marry really young and some freak out on it. I've always been a relationship-type guy, so I've always welcomed the thought of marriage, but then again I was dating my other ex around that age (21-22) and she was talking marriage and it freaked me the hell out!!! She was making plans even before I graduated college.....she was expecting a lot out of me. I think that might have been a downfall in my relationship with my current EX. We were talking about going to this place, and this place (my job was college oriented, so I would have to get a job in a college town), so it really put a strain on our relationship....I was offered a job at the University of Kansas in March of this year that I almost took. She was supportive, but obviously very shaken up. I ended up staying at my job to be with her. That is right around the time she changed herself. She became a different person around that time. Maybe she was scared of the fact that she might have to move for me and she couldnt enjoy life (She wants to travel the world type person. Which sounds great when you are 21 about to graduate, but usually, you never do everything you set out to do. $$$ gets in the way)

 

What I would suggest is give it some time if you havent already....then possibly open up lines of communication again slowly if you really care for her. Once that happens, apologize for specific things (even if you feel you didnt do anything wrong). I would suggest asking her if she was afraid of getting too serious too soon. Women get cold feet just as much as guys do if not more. I didn't realize this until I went NC and looked at it without emotional glasses.....still hard for me hence my post from last night lol.

Edited December 16, 2012 by ConfusedHumanBeing

[denxnis]

Sound advice.

 

Personally I always dangled moving in and marriage in front of her and never gave her a legitimate answer; I think she just got tired of it. On top of that I got a killer internship which involved working 40+ hours and working on senior project for school, this meant hardly any time for her.

 

If it's any help this is how I found out my ex and I were not meant to be...

 

I'm not an emotional guy, at all, but I had a few tears come down my face while we were breaking up. We sat on a wall overlooking the city at night and she saw how much her talking to another guy hurt me - we spent a good hour or two together, flirted back-n-forth kissed, held hands. I told her how beautiful she was and that I wanted to work things out.

 

She continued to see her coworker.

 

It took me a good month to realize that if someone truly loves and cares about you they would not do things they know hurt you. Yes there is the occasional slip-up which is natural; however the moment your partner shows no sign of regret/remorse is when I believe you have to make the conscious decision to walk away.

 

I cannot emphasize how important it is to maintain no contact. Tell your ex how you feel about her once after the breakup and then do no contact. This is where I messed up and tried to win her back. Long story short it didn't work and I only prolonged my recovery.

 

Let me know how everything works out man.

[LifeUnexpected27]

I'm sure she loved you. She may still love you, but I'm sure her therapist is feeding her what to say. She probably knows its best to break up, but that may not mean she has no feeling for you just yet. Hopefully the partying isn't masking the feelings she's having. I'm sure the therapist is telling her that she's too young to be so serious about things and encouraging it, although drinking a lot is not very wise either. But you should just move on, keep up with the N/C and probably unfriend her on your social networks so you aren't torturing yourself.

[todreaminblue]

i have nevr told anyone to wait for me because i need thrapy i hav enever told anyone that i will come back....i dont throw the break up card in unless it is due to some huge difference like ummm faithfulness even then i threw th relationship open to try and save it.....i have been treated badly by guys in relationships i have a rough history and extensive therapy.......i dont flake if anything i try harder......its me who has to learn how to let go when soemthing isnt good and i am being treated badly...the fact is i was so damn used to it i didnt think i deserved better....i do i know that....it upsets em when is it always these flaky girls who have therapy who use that as an excuse to get out of being in a relationship......when i feel strongly for soemone its rare and i dont lead guys on......when i have felt really strongly the relationships have been long term and even when i didnt have physical attraction i gave it a chance to grow not all women are flakes when it comes to good guys......guys who are honest and say how they feel who are caring....i have ben led to believe many times that the guy i was dating was good until i found out otherwise that i smy fault i take responsibility for my choices in life.... .....it took me a long time to feel confident enough without alcohol to approach and tell a good guy i liked him and had strong feelings for him....i have gone out with bad guys not ebcause they were bad they blinded me with lies and deceit and i believed them i have learned my lesson.....

 

 

and i guess as girls turn into women some lessons need to be learned......i dotn think partying every weekend is a very partnerish thing to do.....its immature....i wish you the best....this female you went out with shouldnt have led you on....and she did....she shoudl have been honest with you to either let you move on or let you know she planned on partying and multi dating others.....for me strogn feelings stick as they should stick...didnt take therapy for me to know that...if they go away they were never that strong in the first place......deb