Realist3 Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 Oh please. You're just upset because YOUR wife isn't angry. She's totally indifferent towards you, probably wouldn't care if you croaked tomorrow (I'm sure you have life insurance) . . . and it eats away at you. Hence the reason why you feel compelled to hang around with us "angry" wives. I don't blame you one bit. Perfect example of what I am talking about. P-E-R-F-E-C-T!!!!!!!
frozensprouts Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 OP, what plan do you have in place to move things forward with your wife, and to handle the feelings of withdrawal that you'll have for your other woman? Do you have an idea for how you'll channel your feelings? It's a good idea of you do, so that you aren't left just blowing in the wind, or , worse, taking it out on your wife. Whatever you do, please don't 'waffle" back on forth, as that's very unfair to both women. Hard as it may be, stick you your decision 3
woinlove Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 What I find consistently by many in this forum is the emphasis in Honesty. Some may find Honesty offensive, and feel it does not serve their predicament, and would rather continue with dishonesty to save their "marriage", but more likely it's not about saving anything but the consequences they wish to avoid. Shame is saving himself and the OW and his wife have no say in the matter. Shame is only saving himself if that is the kind of person he wishes to be. Most people can't pull off years of deception. And many times the truth comes out from another source, and then one has an even bigger mess on one's hands, where you no longer control the situation, don't know who will get told, how your children will be involved, etc. I don't see much saving going on here, but, still, ending the A is one step that could put one on a positive path. What path shame chooses remains to be seen. 2
Realist3 Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 Im all for honesty. I have learned I'll never get involved with a MM again. The advice is being solicited but it sure is given in a harsh way sometimes. Exactly! Harsh. It is counter-productive. In all honesty no one ever goes bragging about, "The tone is so great here." , but the negative tone in regards to differing opinions and situations is not a net positive.
sweet_pea Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 Im all for honesty. I have learned I'll never get involved with a MM again. The advice is being solicited but it sure is given in a harsh way sometimes. I'm not sure if you're talking about me, or just in general terms but I apologize if I've come off as mean. However, I just don't believe in babying, so to speak, adults, especially in situations like this. 2
wanting more Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 I'm not sure if you're talking about me, or just in general terms but I apologize if I've come off as mean. However, I just don't believe in babying, so to speak, adults, especially in situations like this. I wasn't talking about any one in particular. Just in general. I agree no babying BUT I also think starting off with some compassion may help. You don't have to agree with what he's doing abs obviously he's looking for advice. If I remember right this is his 2nd post. I remember when i started here there were sooo many things I wanted to say and just started typing and then things were taken wrong, the comments started coming and some were very harsh. I can take it better now after being here a little bit (maybe cause I won't post as a WS) but I think any WS reading in here or just starting to post on here deserves some compassion. After all, they're spilling their guts looking for help from people who've been in their situation (or their BS). But I bet lots don't even start because of posts already on here. Shame says he's ending things tonight with OW, can we just wait a couple days before telling him "you'll contact her again".
whichwayisup Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 Shame, just focus on the advice that is on topic and not turning into side discussions and bickering. I hope you do have it in you to end it tonight. Won't be easy but you're doing the right thing. 2
veryhappy Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 (edited) From what I remember you and your wife have been the first to each other. You're better off carrying your secret with you than breaking her heart like that. If she's okay with the lack of sex, she'll never see it as a valid request of yours. She'll say it's a want, not a need like so many here that find it a want. Ending the A may turn out not that easy as you plan. I was the part ending the A, and exMM was the part ending any real future together. The last time I walked away, I had written him on a piece of paper the terms of contacting me(filed for divorce and moved out basically - now this will play into me being controlling...that'show I'mseen around here). Just like you, I was a mess at the thought of telling him it was over from the moment I knew he wasn't leaving (although he still said he was leaving) to giving him that piece of paper. It wasn't the first time I wad trying to walk away, and everytime he was shocked and hurt. The time before that he saiit felt like when he heard of a friend dying years ago. Regarding having sex tonight...i had plans not to have sex the time I saw him with the no contact piece of paper. Well...put the two of us together and that will happen. I only had little time to address the NC, but by then it was nothing new. I knew I had to do it, no matter how warm and fuzzy things had been 10 minutes earlier. Again he was shocked...he wrote a few times about "how could a perfect day end like this?". My point is to leave the sex out of it. Especially to a woman, if you mix that high with being abandoned it is a recipe for disaster. Some of your reasons to hang on to your marriage are wrong, but it's your problem. You've been married 28 and sign oup for another 28 just because of the first 28. It doesn't make sense, buthey...I've been told yesterday that my problem is that I'm being logical. You are underestimating the time an OW takes to get over a MM. It's one year minimum. Three months for me and I still cry almost every night. It's not sobbing anymore, but I still cry. I have to give you credit for never telling her you'd be with her. Skip the sex, tell her it's over. Please don't mention any part about your life wih your wife. Please don't mention your wife, your kids, the bathroom rug. Just keep it about the two of you, and that you can't offer her anything, including an A. Edited December 15, 2012 by cutedragon
Spark1111 Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 I wasn't talking about any one in particular. Just in general. I agree no babying BUT I also think starting off with some compassion may help. You don't have to agree with what he's doing abs obviously he's looking for advice. If I remember right this is his 2nd post. I remember when i started here there were sooo many things I wanted to say and just started typing and then things were taken wrong, the comments started coming and some were very harsh. I can take it better now after being here a little bit (maybe cause I won't post as a WS) but I think any WS reading in here or just starting to post on here deserves some compassion. After all, they're spilling their guts looking for help from people who've been in their situation (or their BS). But I bet lots don't even start because of posts already on here. Shame says he's ending things tonight with OW, can we just wait a couple days before telling him "you'll contact her again". Ty posting here as a BS leaning towards reconciling....everyone takes a turn in the hot seat of public opinion. Aye yay yay! 4
Decorative Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 Im not mad in the slightest i find it highly amusing that you all think you are above us "cheating" husbands, that everything is our fault ... oh no no do not disturb the "perfect wife" syndrome. Your affair is your fault. Period. Nobody forced your man business into your OW's lady garden. You chose it. Your fault. 2
veryhappy Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 That's ridiculous. And goes to show how some OW cannot handle REALITY. He has a wife. He has kids. And THEY have a bathroom rug. The reason WHY he's breaking it off IS BECAUSE of the wife, kids . . . and the rug. He shouldn't even be meeting her tonight, let alone encourage a LaLa Land ending. She already knows all that. All of it. He asked how to break up with his OW. I've been there. If she doesn't ask, he shouldn't mention the wife, the kids, the bathroom rug. If she does, he should answer. Simple.
wanting more Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 But lots of times you have to weed through sooo many harsh ones that to get to the ones that are sincere and make you really see the hurt you're (WS and OW) causing you're at such a loss you stop posting or reading. 2
Furious Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 That's ridiculous. And goes to show how some OW cannot handle REALITY. He has a wife. He has kids. And THEY have a bathroom rug. The reason WHY he's breaking it off IS BECAUSE of the wife, kids . . . and the rug. He shouldn't even be meeting her tonight, let alone encourage a LaLa Land ending. The la la endiing, is the cruel part.
wanting more Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 If I came back on this board tomorrow and said I'm back with xMM or in another A I'd fully expect and deserve every harsh word said. I never suggested people don't respond. I never said don't be honest, just in the beginning some compassion would go a long way I did have some people respond to me in the beginning that were compassionate and sincere. That's who I listened to, not the ones whose 1st response to me were "you'll take him back" Shame originally said he'd end it in February, instead he's doing it now so obviously he listened to done posters. Best idol luck Shame 1
woinlove Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 arrrgghh, a couple hours ago this thread was on topic, but can shame find the relevant posts anymore? they are in here, shame. I'd go for honesty with the OW myself. That is what I gave and wanted as an OW. So, I'd tell her what you told us about wanting to improve your M. I think the truth helps one move on and shows some respect for the person. 6
BetrayedH Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 Ty posting here as a BS leaning towards reconciling....everyone takes a turn in the hot seat of public opinion. Aye yay yay! Boy, ain't that the truth! The words, cuckold and doormat, are still ringing in my ears. 2
Spark1111 Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 Boy, ain't that the truth! The words, cuckold and doormat, are still ringing in my ears. How about OW and OM insisting it just went underground, and the affair was continuing? or those who had moved immediately to divorce telling me what a huge mistake I was making? And yet, I go back to those early threads and realize, even from the harshest posters, there was a lot of good food for thought, even though I wasn't ready to hear it yet! We all take a turn in the hot seat in the court of public opinion ion a interned blog. No one held my hand, or wiped my tears or Molly coddled me, ever. that's the nature of it. take whAt you need and leave the rest. BUT go backand re-read when you ar ready. You will find a lot of truth there,
whichwayisup Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 Im not mad in the slightest i find it highly amusing that you all think you are above us "cheating" husbands, that everything is our fault ... oh no no do not disturb the "perfect wife" syndrome. Choosing to have an affair was all on you. That's how you chose to handle your unhappiness in the marriage by letting another woman get too close to you and make you feel good. An yes, your wife is partially responsible for the problems in your marriage, just like you are. You both have detached from one another and are handling things in two different ways. Unfortunately yours could do a lot of damage to her, your marriage and your family unit as one. Nobody is saying that your wife is perfect, no one is! Just don't put your decision to cheat on her. She isn't to blame by how you've handled your unhappiness, that's on you. I say this respectfully, no harm intended. 2
dreamingoftigers Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 Ty posting here as a BS leaning towards reconciling....everyone takes a turn in the hot seat of public opinion. Aye yay yay! Yup, I haven't written an update thread about my reconciliation because I don't need the LS flamethrower attached to my ass.
dreamingoftigers Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 That's ridiculous. And goes to show how some OW cannot handle REALITY. He has a wife. He has kids. And THEY have a bathroom rug. The reason WHY he's breaking it off IS BECAUSE of the wife, kids . . . and the rug. He shouldn't even be meeting her tonight, let alone encourage a LaLa Land ending. Must be one helluva rug. 2
BetrayedH Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 Yup, I haven't written an update thread about my reconciliation because I don't need the LS flamethrower attached to my ass. Yeah, what the hell were you thinking? Doormat. Why don't you learn some healthy boundaries for yourself? Is this what you want to accept? Crumbs? What are you teaching your children? 3
dreamingoftigers Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 Yeah, what the hell were you thinking? Doormat. Why don't you learn some healthy boundaries for yourself? Is this what you want to accept? Crumbs? What are you teaching your children? Sigh: Wanted my family and stability Doormat is outside: Halloween themed (it's one helluva rug!) Healthy boundaries: check. That's why we are taking reconciliation slow to test things out, prove things and build trust I accept that life has thrown me massive curves that I have grown with. My husband has had to grow up too and learn that throwing emotionally-unstable temper tantrums and knocking yourself out with addictive substances is not freedom, but is exactly the trap that one should be afraid of. Honey, I'm a chubby girl. My husband had to come back with the whole cake to get my attention! I am teaching my child that marriages and families are nit insta-disposable things. Sometimes people have issues and their issues are about THEM. the best way to deal with them is to respond to the ISSUES. sometimes that means taking a hard line, sometimes that means moving on, other times it means exercising the choice to forgive. SOM: the growth for you might come with articulating and sharing your thoughts and feelings. It seems as though you have real difficulty doing just that.
BetrayedH Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 (edited) Sigh: Wanted my family and stability Doormat is outside: Halloween themed (it's one helluva rug!) Healthy boundaries: check. That's why we are taking reconciliation slow to test things out, prove things and build trust I accept that life has thrown me massive curves that I have grown with. My husband has had to grow up too and learn that throwing emotionally-unstable temper tantrums and knocking yourself out with addictive substances is not freedom, but is exactly the trap that one should be afraid of. Honey, I'm a chubby girl. My husband had to come back with the whole cake to get my attention! I am teaching my child that marriages and families are nit insta-disposable things. Sometimes people have issues and their issues are about THEM. the best way to deal with them is to respond to the ISSUES. sometimes that means taking a hard line, sometimes that means moving on, other times it means exercising the choice to forgive. SOM: the growth for you might come with articulating and sharing your thoughts and feelings. It seems as though you have real difficulty doing just that. Gosh DOT. I was joking. You missed the little winky-face emoticon on the end. If your H earned forgiveness and you found it in your heart, I'm all for it. ETA: sorry you did all that typing on my account. You don't owe me an explanation for anything. I hope your reconciliation goes well. No sarcasm this time. Edited December 16, 2012 by BetrayedH 3
dreamingoftigers Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 Gosh DOT. I was joking. You missed the little winky-face emoticon on the end. If your H earned forgiveness and you found it in your heart, I'm all for it. ETA: sorry you did all that typing on my account. You don't owe me an explanation for anything. I hope your reconciliation goes well. No sarcasm this time. I got the joke. I didn't add a winky-face. I tried to be witty in response to my would-be-naysayers
dreamingoftigers Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 I answered the Qs in order too I thought the cake and rug bit woulda done it
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