Tonight is the night - what to expect ?

[shame_on_me]

:mad:Hi, well as some of you may already know tonight is the evening that i finish and cut all ties with my girl. I would like to ask from some other people who have been in my situation before what to expect ? I will not get into full detail about my situation as it is already on here somewhere but i would like some advice on what to expect for the next coming days, weeks, months.

 

I am doing the right thing it must be done there is no debate about how much i love my wife and can not do this to her or our marriage any longer. But there is still that "in love with my mistress" thing hanging over my head. I am hoping that i end it tonight and that will be that we will both move on, i miss her and yes i will certainly miss the "ego boost" that she gives me with her many wonderful compliments and such BUT as i have already said i will not leave 28 years of marriage for her nor will i break her heart any longer she does not deserve to be second best.

 

My fears is seeing the hurt on her face and her tears falling. My biggest fear is that she will one day turn around and say she hates me and regrets the day she ever met me.

 

I have a plan in motion to try and get my marriage back on track (i have been reading many articles on this) and i feel pretty confident i can manage this.

 

I am not interested in comments that belittle my ow by all means have a go at me not her.

 

 

Thanks again

[shame_on_me]

Hi Bent, I am truly sorry for your pain but i am not as bad a man as you may think i am. I f**ked up big time and i hold my hands up to this but i am trying to do the best i can here. There are many men who would continue this affair without a backwards glance they would go on to destroy both women - I am in no way condoning my actions but i am trying to fix the mess i have brought about.

[shame_on_me]

Ok point taken.

 

My hands are filthy and i will never remove the stains, there is only one good outcome i can see in the mess i have created and that is that my wife does not get hurt by my actions i will do everything in my power to protect her from the heartache she will endure if my infidelity was to be found out. I will live with this guilt everyday.

[BetrayedH]

Here's a thread you should read...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/362177-my-ow

 

I hope you plan on telling your wife the truth or your efforts to restore your marriage will fail.

[frozensprouts]

( this is not meant as a slam at your other woman, but it is the truth)

 

I realize that you don't want to hurt her, but the fact of the matter is she may well be hurt...

 

however, it's also true that she went into the affair with her eyes wide open, she's married, she knows you're married, and she also knew that the affair was only a short term thing...

 

were you always honest with her and did you tell her that you still love your wife, or did you somehow lead her to believe that there was more to your relationship with her than just it's "temporary' nature?

 

there is something about the way you post about her ( referring to her as "my girl', etc.) that almost make it sound as if you're trying to make her seem naive and innocent and somehow incapable of making adult decisions...but she is an adult in her 30's, and while it may be very painful for her, she should be able to move on, and it's probably better for her if she does...if her marriage is a bad as you say, then being with you isn't really doing er ay good, it's just prolonging her bad marriage, and keeping her from making the changes that she needs to make to improve her life

 

you can't fix her problems for her...she's a big girl and has to fix them herself...if you are going to end things with her, it's best to make it a completely clean break...no emails, texts, facebook, no " we just bumped into each others", no " just checking ins" etc....as doing so will just feed any hope that she has that you might be able to get back together. this means blocking her name, number, etc. and cutting off any way that she may have to communicate with you. If you say everything that needs to be said to her tonight, and make sure she understands why your relationship has ended ( that way, she won't be left feeling like you just ended things with no rhyme or reason, which is cruel to her)...

 

one more thing...if you are feeling bad about breaking up with your other woman, then please, please, please don't take that out on your wife. don't be cruel to her, and she won't understand why you are being so short tempered, etc. with her...( this happens a lot in affairs...the person cheating ends up taking their sadness, frustration, guilt, etc. out on their spouse, and often doesn't realize they are doing so)

[shame_on_me]

( this is not meant as a slam at your other woman, but it is the truth)

 

I realize that you don't want to hurt her, but the fact of the matter is she may well be hurt...

 

however, it's also true that she went into the affair with her eyes wide open, she's married, she knows you're married, and she also knew that the affair was only a short term thing...

 

were you always honest with her and did you tell her that you still love your wife, or did you somehow lead her to believe that there was more to your relationship with her than just it's "temporary' nature?

 

there is something about the way you post about her ( referring to her as "my girl', etc.) that almost make it sound as if you're trying to make her seem naive and innocent and somehow incapable of making adult decisions...but she is an adult in her 30's, and while it may be very painful for her, she should be able to move on, and it's probably better for her if she does...if her marriage is a bad as you say, then being with you isn't really doing er ay good, it's just prolonging her bad marriage, and keeping her from making the changes that she needs to make to improve her life

 

you can't fix her problems for her...she's a big girl and has to fix them herself...if you are going to end things with her, it's best to make it a completely clean break...no emails, texts, facebook, no " we just bumped into each others", no " just checking ins" etc....as doing so will just feed any hope that she has that you might be able to get back together. this means blocking her name, number, etc. and cutting off any way that she may have to communicate with you. If you say everything that needs to be said to her tonight, and make sure she understands why your relationship has ended ( that way, she won't be left feeling like you just ended things with no rhyme or reason, which is cruel to her)...

 

one more thing...if you are feeling bad about breaking up with your other woman, then please, please, please don't take that out on your wife. don't be cruel to her, and she won't understand why you are being so short tempered, etc. with her...( this happens a lot in affairs...the person cheating ends up taking their sadness, frustration, guilt, etc. out on their spouse, and often doesn't realize they are doing so)

 

Hi Frozen, thanks for ur response.

 

Yes she always knew i loved/love my wife believe it or not i have been completely honest with her about everything my emotions included, (i have been more honest with her than i have with my wife on some aspects of my life) I have never led her to believe that i would leave my family she even told me once that she didnt want that either.

 

I know i cant fix her problems she has to do this by herself and she will she is a strong woman, i guess i just feel bad because i am an added problem and an added torment for her to endure in the coming weeks, this kills me.

 

No i will not do this to my wife if anything i will do everything in my power to make her happier.

[shame_on_me]

She is going to cry to try to get you to feel sorry for her.

 

She is going to be seductive to try to lure you back in with the sex.

 

She is going to get angry to try to intimidate you to stay in the relationship.

 

She is going to threaten to call your wife.

 

If none of these tactics work, there is a good chance that she will call your wife.

 

It is something that you should expect, so be prepared.

 

Duck: As I have said before she is not that type of girl if anything she will walk away from me and not look back, I think i will be the one struggling. But if i texted her and asked to start again i know she will, i do not want this to happen she does not deserve this.

[ComingInHot]

Shame;

I understand that although most affairs are typical, each one has there own individual elements.

I'm just going to share w/you my experience...

Husband had an A. He ended it w/calm, cool, collected, everything he wanted OW. 5 or so months later, I get an email from exOW. She outed their A to me. I took the high road (for myself not her or my husband) and forgave her and my husband. She emailed me again. The second time w/detail that I did not ask for. I thanked her for the information and said I'd take it from here. She emailed again w/more detail. Then again, and again. She called me and hung up. She emailed inappropriate things to my husband. We changed our email. She still emailed me and called me. (She's a techy so I guess there is some secret I don't know to continuously figuring out someone's email). I changed my number. She still called me... She was not very calm, cool & collected.

My husband, at first, accused me of instigating her responses as she portrayed a young beautiful woman of dignity and poise to him. It took 2 years and a formal cease letter from our attorney to get her to stop.

That's my experience with an "emotionally stable" affair partner...

 

Second, this "plan" you have, is exactly the one my husband had. Get in with the OW, have some fun, "accidentally" get attached, realize the reality of the situation, end the affair under the guise of being "friends" (best friends even), No one get hurt.

 

Result: OW figured out the "plan" pretty quick. I was hurt before I knew because I KNEW something was "off". OW felt like she'd been played for a fool, got mad and sang like a canary to me to "burn" my husband and our marriage. I found out of the A anyway and my life quickly shattered into a million pieces that I've picking up ever since. Our children have suffered since during and after the A. I'm now 2.5 years out and we are reconciling but that didn't even begin to happen until my husband hit rock bottom finally admitting to Himself that his "plan" did not & was not going to work. He has been through hell as well, looking into my eyes and seeing the devastation of his selfish actions, the lack of respect and trust. We still have a long way to go but he knows if there is even a hint of contact or thought from and of the emotionally unstable, and cruel woman or any inkling that there is another catching his eye, HE'S OUT.

This is my reality. I am Not allowing him to stay "for the children" or "financial stability". I am allowing him to stay based on his daily, hourly, minute by minute actions that prove to me he is the man I married who LOVED me with ALL his heart.

[waterwoman]

Good luck shame x

[dreamingoftigers]

No guilty BS texts like "oh I miss you and have been thinking about you and wonder where you are now." blah blah

 

That stuff might make you feel better temporarily but it is bound to disrupt whatever your OW has going on with her life.

 

I think it is sad that you are treasting your wife like the silver medal you are settling for.

 

I don't think shed want to stay second best to "the great love/best sex ever" girl.

 

This isn't about you not wanting to throw away 28 years of marriage and do the right thing. This is trying to manage not getting your life disrupted. And it will cause nothing but resent to give up your "best ever" love.

[shame_on_me]

No guilty BS texts like "oh I miss you and have been thinking about you and wonder where you are now." blah blah

 

That stuff might make you feel better temporarily but it is bound to disrupt whatever your OW has going on with her life.

 

I think it is sad that you are treasting your wife like the silver medal you are settling for.

 

I don't think shed want to stay second best to "the great love/best sex ever" girl.

 

This isn't about you not wanting to throw away 28 years of marriage and do the right thing. This is trying to manage not getting your life disrupted. And it will cause nothing but resent to give up your "best ever" love.

 

 

I have never once quoted that ow was the "best love" of my life that is my wife, yes i love ow but my wife has been and always will be my great love. Regarding the sex yes i will admit that it is the best i have ever had and most likely be the best i will ever get, my problem again for getting into an affair in the first place i suppose.

[Realist3]

While I don't have any experience in a situation like this or any adivce to offer, I do applaud you for taking the steps you are taking with your MOW. You are handling it in a mature fashion. This will go a long way in mitigating the negative reactions she might have been prone to impose on you. I'm sure it will be very difficult for both of you tonight and in the coming days, weeks, and months. All the best.

[GLDheart]

Forgive me a bit here but you sound TOO calm about all this. It reminds me of someone telling me they are starting a new diet "after the new year" or that they will be quitting smoking "tomorrow".....

 

I'll be shocked to see you maintain this emotional clarity that you seem to want to project. It won't be easy. My respect to you if you actually pull it off.

[shame_on_me]

Forgive me a bit here but you sound TOO calm about all this. It reminds me of someone telling me they are starting a new diet "after the new year" or that they will be quitting smoking "tomorrow".....

 

I'll be shocked to see you maintain this emotional clarity that you seem to want to project. It won't be easy. My respect to you if you actually pull it off.

 

I am anything but calm at the moment, I have been sitting for hours at my desk going through numberous articles on love, heartache, betrayal etc etc, i feel sick, im sweating, ive drank about 40 cups of coffee this morning, im chewing my fingernails (something i had never done) If my wife was to walk in on me now she would assume i have had a mental breakdown and contact the asylum.

 

I dont have a choice I have to finish it, I am not leaving my wife and that is that. My girl will be devestated, heartbroken and angry with me her words will cut through the bone tonight, I am terrified i will never see her again and more terrified that the next time i do i will see either pain or hatred directed at me (i know i will we live in same neighbourhood and the selfish man that i am makes it easier for me to end it because i will see her). I DESERVE IT.

[GLDheart]

Ok. The best thing that I can offer you then is that it won't be that bad. Somehow even if it is "that bad" you'll still get through it. I guess all I'm trying to say is to let go of the fear. You don't need to be terrified. You'll be allright.

 

HOWEVER, do yourself a favor and listen to the other posters above that have warned you. People go a bit C.R.A.Z.Y after a breakup. That means YOU might lose it a bit (and irrationally treat your wife and she will have no clue what is going on) and that your seemingly perfectly behaved Other Woman may go bunny boiler on you.

 

It is what it is and you will get through it.

[Steadfast]

I am in no way condoning my actions but i am trying to fix the mess i have brought about.

 

No, you're not trying to fix it. You're planning on covering up the whole mess with dirt. If you really loved your wife, you'd allow her to choose whether or not she wants to be married to a cheating husband. The fact is, you love you most. That's who you're protecting. Not her. It's cowardly.

 

No sympathy for OW. She went willingly into the arms of another person's husband. If you want to feel badly about someone, feel badly for her husband. He, and your wife are the victims here. You two are the cause.

[wanting more]

I was in my A for 3-1/2 years and it ended in the worst possible way for an OW. (IMO). We had a 2nd d-day.

 

A year before the 2nd d-day. My xMM and I went out of town for a couple days. The 1st day and night were great. The 2nd day and 1/2 the night was great. Lying in bed, he looked at me and was crying. He told me he couldn't be with me anymore. He loved me and he loved his W. he couldn't leave her after 30plus years of marriage. He couldn't leave his family. He cried, I cried. I believed him. I was more hurt than I'd ever been before.

We drove the 4 hours back the next day in silence. Except for me crying.

We worked together so it was very hard but we maintained our work relationship. I cried secretly many many nights.

About a month and a half later we were going on a business trip, him and I but a lot of other co-workers also. He called me 2 weeks before that trip and we talked personal, he told me he loved me, missed me. Wanted to be with me. After not having that for the month and a half he resized he wanted me to be a part of his life. I knew i shouldn't have gotten that excited but I did. I let myself fall right into his arms. I was stupid. We went on again for another year until 2nd d-day. He threw me under the bus and ran over me several times. In fact, his BS still drives that bus very now and then. I haven't spoken to him in 4 months. I only have the "she seduced me", " I never loved her only you my W" as the last thoughts he had of me talking to his BW. (sorry, maybe to long)

 

My point: tell her tonite. Be firm, but please don't leave her hanging. Tell her you're not leaving your family, your wife. You're sorry you hurt her (ow). But things have to end. And walk away. Please please DON'T look back. And once you walk away NEVER NEVER contact her again.

 

Will she hate you, yes. Will she cry, yes. She may even beg or try to seduce you. Walk away. Will she get over it, over you in time YES.

 

I think there's never a good happy ending of an A

 

Stand your ground no matter he hard it is.

 

And one more thing, an xOW is not always the crazy psychotic loon only looking to get revenge. (yes, I know there are some but not all)

 

Good luck.

[2sunny]

Get counseling. Your need for external validation is out of balance. Find out why you need that ego boost so badly - that you risk everything with someone you say you love.

 

Sear

[Bittersweetie]

If you are truly ending things tonight, that means no contact (NC). No calls, texts, emails, running into each other, google searches, facebook stalking, anything. The only way to end it is to go cold turkey, because if you keep in "low contact," it just perpetuates the feelings and addiction and it will be even harder to cut ties again.

 

Also, before working on your marriage, I would suggest counseling for yourself. To examine why you did this and why you thought it was okay. To look at what was missing in YOU to do this to your wife and marriage and yourself. And to examine the possibility of telling your wife what has happened so she can have a choice in your relationship as well.

 

I'm speaking as a former wayward spouse who has reconciled with my husband, who knows everything (I told him).

[2sunny]

Search with a counselor to work on what healthy love REALLY looks like.

 

Be honest. That's all you can offer at this juncture.

 

Being sympathetic about the pain you cause is a good sign... But beware - a huge helping of that sympathy could have you right back in the affair.

 

Do NOT have sex with her tonight! That would be the ultimate selfish and criminal act!

 

What are the specifics of your plan tonight?

 

Where are you meeting and do you plan to tell her as soon as you see her?

 

Do not get caught up in her ego boosts to you! (Hey sexy boy, you look sooo nice tonight, letmeprovetoyouhowmuchbetteriamto you).

 

She may manipulate and try to control the outcome - stand firm on why you intend to see her - to end it.

[2sunny]

Ok point taken.

 

My hands are filthy and i will never remove the stains, there is only one good outcome i can see in the mess i have created and that is that my wife does not get hurt by my actions i will do everything in my power to protect her from the heartache she will endure if my infidelity was to be found out. I will live with this guilt everyday.

 

Your wife has ALREADY been hurt by this = she just doesn't fully know it - yet.

 

Or she may have some idea that "something is off" but hasn't figured it out.

[Tainted love]

It's that saying...if you love someone, let them go.

 

If she loves you and knows you love your wife, she will be selfless and understand that having an affair has been very painful for you. She will be happy that you are returning to your family. She will take her pain and know she will move on and it will be easier knowing, that you are happy.

 

OR...she will show her true colours. Maybe not tonight, but once she knows you have left her for real.

 

I hope you can start being honest with your wife. Let her into your thoughts and have a more authentic relationship with her - if you're unable to do that, show your love by letting her go to find someone who will treat her better than you can.

[2sunny]

Ending it is part of allowing your OW that she can and will move forward and find an AVAILABLE man.

 

Remember that every time you want to contact her!

 

You need to allow HER the room to find someone new. She won't be able to do that IF you keep stepping into her life when it suits YOUR needs.

 

Get your ego out of the way and into your marriage.

 

Face your wife and tell her you two need to work on the issues so that you can grow the M to a healthier, more connected relationship again.

 

If your wife won't - then end it. But do the work first by being honest and addressing your needs not being met.

[2sunny]

But Sunny, OW already has a man . . . her husband.

 

Oh my... That is just more sad...

[whichwayisup]

but i would like some advice on what to expect for the next coming days, weeks, months.

 

You will hurt, you'll feel sad, you'll go through all different kinds of emotions, and suffer from withdrawal, like a drug addict as you'll miss how OW made you feel daily..

 

Just keep as busy as you can. Join a gym, take up basketball, squash or hockey, something physical that you can make yourself tired from. Grieve the loss but don't let it eat you up. Rely on trusted friends if you've told someone and do counseling.

 

Focus on reconnecting with your wife too..If you hibernate, and act weird at home, she will question what is going on with you.

 

Though, can I ask? If your wife point blank asks you if you're having an affair, if you're cheating on her, would you tell her the truth, if she begged to know?