h4jc Posted August 12, 2004 Posted August 12, 2004 Hello everyone , I'm new to the forum and would like any perspective I can get about my situation..... Well, I met this wonderful guy from Canada online through a non-relationship oriented forum and what began as a friendship, in which I turned to him for advice, became a full-fledged romance over the phone. At the time I knew he had a girlfriend across the border in the US, but they had not spoken to or seen each other for 11 months, but only updated each other via email and chatting. The reason for this was because she was trying to keep her relationship with him a secret from her parents, who if they found out, would've gone nuts that she was seeing someone who they didn't approve of. She has said she comes from a wealthy and conservative family, so "regular" guys like him don't cut it. He had met her in a foreign country while they were teaching English and out of convenience and loneliness (he insists that they were never "in love") they lived together for a year there. In his words she had used and neglected him, but he wasn't aware of it until he met me and felt the difference between the way we interact and the way he and she used to interact. He also never really trusted her, because once in China she had been unfaithful to him. He, however, swallowed his pain and did not break things off. He thought that that was the way the cookie crumbles. He did not question whether he deserved more. Well, they both returned from China and spent a year apart in their respective countries, and during that time he never saw her because she wouldn't let him. He was loyal to her though, until he met me. I listened to his story as a friend and my indignance at how he was neglected and underappreciated by her "woke him up". I also instigated him to rekindle his repressed passion for photography and the arts, which she had always discouraged in favor of practical things like studying for a license in real estate. That is partly how he fell in love with me, even though we had not met face to face. I fell in love with his voice the moment I heard it over the telephone. It was like instant comfort, the sound of a long-lost friend. He had sent me a few pictures of him looking his best and I had sent him dozens of pictures of me. We communicated so well together that it was not uncommon for our phone conversations to last for hours at a time. While his relationship with her deteriorated (he gradually began to tell her of his true feelings of resentment), the one we began blossomed and flourished into something very passionate. I moved to the west coast shortly and he bought a plane ticket and met me. We had the most beautiful 5 days imaginable. Being an internet romance there were some obstacles at first. When I first saw him face to face, being an idealistic 23 year old girl who had hitherto never been in a relationship, I thought he fell too far short of my ideals. He didn't look like his best pictures at all. I thought at first that I would have to send him back to Canada without the heart of the soulmate he thought he'd found in me. It took me nearly two days, and only after a very tearful "confess-my-superficiality" scene with him (I'd always thought of myself as above superficiality), when I realized I loved him after all. That I'd accept him, good with the "bad". After that event we were absolutely unconditionally in love with each other and could hardly bear to be apart. He left back for Canada and we resumed our passionate long-distance correspondence. The problem was he had long ago made unalterable plans to go to Japan two weeks later to teach for a year-- with his "ex" girlfriend. I had met him scarcely two months ago, and he had made these plans for Japan (and presumably, to be with that girl) many months before that. So........ as of right now, he is in Japan with her (he's still in his first week of training-- and not permanently settled) and from what he has told me (when he has the time to travel far to visit an internet cafe), they are in the midst of what will be a long and painful breakup process. She now knows about me (although I thought it best if she didn't, since it would make her hate men's guts even more than before). He tells me he is being very strong about this, and will not cave in to her pleas..... although he regrets not having been wise enough to break up with her before they left for Japan, but he thought he was being honorable (and not cowardly) by doing so in person. She being a needy and pessimistic and insecure person who likes to siphon off his natural optimism is doing all that she can to hold onto him. So far, I have given you his perspective more or less. I wish I could know hers. So this so far is pretty complicated alone. But there's more........... Naturally although I trust him completely, I have alot of doubts about the feasibiity of this relationship. He isn't "perfect" in a lot of ways. I have met many guys more intellectual (and therefore stimulating) than he is. But knowing that, he is trying his best...... for my sake, he has promised to become far more aware of literature, philosophy, and the arts so that he need not fear that someday I'd be helplessly drawn to someone more sophisticated. Moreover, I am not totally physically attracted to him. I had grown fond of his body in the five days we were together, but now that he is away from me, I find it strange that I don't care to look at pictures of him. For I perceive pictures differently from the actual person. His pictures do very little for me, in terms of making me feel "in love" or "worshipfully infatuated" with him. That, only the soothing sound of his voice over the phone and his actual physical presence, manages to do. So, in addition to any advice you could give me regarding this overseas ex-girlfriend situation, can you please give me your opinions on this peculiar love I have for him? I am in love with him, but it feels nothing like the countless infatuations I'd harbored for guys who were more my type, physically and/or intellectually, though I could say for certain that he fulfills to a tee my "emotional type". Can someone be in love with someone and believe that person is her soulmate even if she doesn't find his 2-dimensional presence attractive, magnetic, or heartwarmingly endearing? I suffer so much for him, being so far away from him, and not being able to hear from him on a daily basis, and yet I find myself wondering if he is worth it. I find myself wondering if he is truly the one for me...... I know that if he were here with me, we could work out those doubts together (and lack of physical attraction would of course no longer be a problem at all), but because he is so far away, the problems seem to persist and loom larger in my mind.
tanbark813 Posted August 12, 2004 Posted August 12, 2004 I really don't mean this to be insulting, but it sounds like you're trying to make this more epic than it really is. The description you gave in your post seems to overemphasize a lot of things and it seems like you guys (I'm assuming his personality is somewhat like yours given your over-the-phone infatuation) makes things way more complicated than they need to be. If he became so resentful about his ex because of talking to you, then why are they "in the midst of what will be a long and painful breakup process"? Divorces are long and painful, but mainly for legal reasons. What takes so long about breaking up with a girl who treated him like s***? They didn't live together. They hardly saw each other so they probably don't have much of their stuff at each other's places. The whole break-up can be done in a matter of 5 minutes. "Hi." "Hi." "You treat me like s*** and I want to break-up with you. Bye." "But!.. But!!...." "Nope. You're done. Bye." *Bam* Finished. Then he just ignores her calls and emails for a few months until she finally gets the hint and moves on. Secondly, no trip is unalterable. He can't bail out of a two-week teaching job? I find it hard to believe that it was absolutely unavoidable that he go. Finally, there's your dislike of his physical appearance. I don't think you really love him. If you truly did, then the "very tearful "confess-my-superficiality" scene with him" wouldn't have happened. Honestly, this is what it sounds like to me: You seem to place a great deal of importance in romanticism and intellectual pursuits. That's not a bad thing at all, of course, but I think that, for whatever reason, you've concocted this image in your mind of the perfect guy. Then you met your current "love" and he fit the mold fairly well. One major problem with meeting people online first--and believe me, I know this from experience--is that you necessarily cannot know as much about the person as you can if you meet them in real life. You can know a lot about them, but you don't really know what they look like in person (as you learned). You don't know what they smell like. You don't know how their skin feels on yours. You don't know how they act and react to any number of situations when you're out in public. When meeting and developing an interest in someone through only online and phone interaction, there are holes in your perception of the other person that can't be filled until you meet them and spend time with them in person. The mind has a strong tendency to fill in these holes with what we want to perceive, rather than what's actually there. The result is an image of the person that is partially based on what you know and like about them, and what your mind wishes the rest of that person were like. The confusion you have now is because of the cognitive dissonance brought about by your mind trying to reconcile your pre-meeting image of him with your real life perception of him. I personally don't think you're truly in love with the guy that he actually is. I think you love what you think he could be. And that's not to say that you couldn't love him for real, but I think you would have to spend more than 5 days with him to find that out. Anyway, those are my two long-winded pennies.
Author h4jc Posted August 13, 2004 Author Posted August 13, 2004 Hey, I really appreciate your two cents. It's a refreshing perspective. If I sounded melodramatic, it is only because that is the way I am, and some people enjoy that about me. Others may not, and that is fine. Gosh, I wish breakups could be as easy as you described. Maybe for you it is, but he is not, and could never be, that sort of (well I would say "heartless") person. Perhaps it's a weakness on his part, who's to say. Do I truly love him? Like I said, sometimes I wonder. I wonder how much of a hold my old superficial side still has over me, and whether, if the opportunity presented itself, I would revert back to it. It's just not something I can ever be sure of until it happens I guess. Is sacrificing for love (considered a true mark of love, no?) no different from settling for less? I would like to add that he is committed to teach in that country for a year, not two months. But I do agree that it isn't set in stone.
Author h4jc Posted August 13, 2004 Author Posted August 13, 2004 Hmm.... you know you give really practical advice. It's a great dose of medicine. But I won't admit to liking it, and neither will he. But maybe a strong, no-nonsense, almost harsh, mind like yours is what's necessary for this situation.
tanbark813 Posted August 16, 2004 Posted August 16, 2004 It would only be heartless if he (or anyone), didn't feel pain during the breakup. I'm not saying it will be emotionally easy after the fact, but I really don't see why it should be long and drawn out. Besides, wouldn't drawing out the breakup process just increase the pain? It just seems needless to me. Another thing that makes me think you don't truly love him is that you wonder about it. If you have to wonder if you love him, then chances are you don't. When you really love someone, you get smacked in the face with happiness. Also, just because you're not turned on by his physical appearance doesn't make you superficial, it just makes you human. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone for whom you feel a physical attraction. As for having a melodramatic personality, that's your business. All I'm saying is just don't make things more complicated than they really are.
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