HaveFaithxx Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 (edited) Since my last break up a few weeks ago, I have read literally hundreds of threads. We all want to understand what the dumper is thinking and feeling and why they do the things they do. Warning! This is long! If you just want to read my answers, skip the story and scroll down. (But I do think the story is necessary.) After I graduated from highschool in America, I decided to travel the world. I am avery adventurous and spontaneous person and so my one year trip around theworld became five years long. Near the end of my trip, when I was 22 years old,I met my dream guy on a beach in Thailand, a Norwegian guy 5 years older than me. We were crazy about each other and after five weeks when he was going toreturn to Norway, we decided to get married and have a baby. We came to the US with me, got married and ourdaughter came 11 months later. But when I was pregnant, my ex-husband’s mother committed suicide in Norway. He became severely depressed and wanted to move back toNorway as soon as the baby was born. So we moved to Oslo so he could be closeto his family. I had a really hard time, being there alone with a new bornbaby, no friends and I couldn’t speak the language. He was so depressed. We started fighting like crazy. After two years, I started cheating on him. I was young and felt trapped and unhappy. I wasn’t ready to be a wife and mother. He found out, but still wanted it to work. But I totally had GIGS and felt like I could go back to him when I was ready since we had a son together. I was selfish, immature and self-centered. I moved out. I dated a lot of bad guys,who also broke my heart. I was cheated on, I was with guys that only used me for sex, and guys that were in a relationship but never told me I was the OW. However,these relationships were not serious at all, so I recovered quickly. But, I was also cheating on guys I was together with. And I broke up with guys in the worst way. During this time, I would contact my ex to see if he wanted to get back together, and every time I could see that he still loved me, I pulled back. Yes, breadcrumbs. I still wanted to see if the grass was greener; life was still exciting. Finally, I met a really great guy, but I couldn’t stop thinking of my ex. Then I found out my ex had met someone. I became crazy.I begged him back, wrote him emails, letters, sent him flowers. I even threatened his girlfriend. I realized that I was never going to get him back and became really sick. The future looked very bleak. Here I was living in adark, cold country far away from my family and friends and I would never betogether with my daughter and her father. I was so depressed, that I could barely take care of my daughter. I convinced myself that she would be better off without me and I tried to take my own life. Fortunately, I had my stomach pumped. It took five years for me to get over him; I cried almost every single day. I felt like I lost everything. Every day I lived with immense shame and regret.Finally, I met someone else who I fel madly in love with. I never thought Iwould be able to love someone again; I was so happy. We had LDR, he was living in NY and I was still in Helsinki. I thought everything was great. We got engaged, and then one day he broke up with me over IM and I never heard from him again. I was really heartbroken for about two months. I lost 15 pounds. However, during this time, I really started to work on myself. I now knew what it felt like to be the dumpee. I hated the person I was. I had been hurt many times, but I also hurt many people. I was terrible in relationships and I wanted to change. I was 30 years old then and I decided I would never cheat again, and that I would stop being so selfish. Now, in a relationship, I am totally loyal and I do everything and anything to make my boyfriend happy. Two weeks ago, my boyfriend of one year broke up with me. However, It was totally because of circumstance. What I can say now though is that I have been the perfect girlfriend. It is so painful again. I miss him like mad. I have come to accept that I may never be married or have children again.... So a lot of you have questions if dumpers also feel heartbroken? If they miss the person they were with? You also ask if they break up with you because they have GIGS,will they come back when they have had another relationship and realize howgood you are to them? Does no contactwork? When your ex contacts you, is it just breadcrumbs or do they want to getback together? How could he/she cheat on me? Once a cheater always a cheater? Etc…etc… Answers: GIGS: There is never really one reason why someone breaks up with you. The reason why I had GIGS is because of age/maturity. I was in my early 20’s and I wanted to see what was out there. Even if I had been with a guy that treated me like a princess and we had the perfect relationship, I would have gone wanted to knowwhat was out there. The second reason is due to circumstance. I was living in a country where I didn't have any friends and was at home all day alone with a baby, so I wanted to get out there and meet people and have excitement. The third reason is because of my personality traits. I read a really interesting study that explained how people who are really adventurous and spontaneous tend to have a higher rate of divorce and also cheat more because we need that rush.I know, it’s not an excuse, I’m just explaining why. You can do the test ofyour personality type and what kind of people you attract here: http://www.chemistry.com/index.aspx?bannerid=2014545[/COLOR]The last reason is because of my background:I was physically abused by my father and had a really tough childhood. Because of that I think I became very selfish, I believed everybody owed me something;I was the victim. I also wasn’t taught to treat people well. Furthermore, I never had trouble finding guys. I was always told I was the most beautiful girlat the party at school/the party/ the club. I was arrogant and thought I couldget any guy I wanted when I wanted, so I could never settle on one. Mypoint is that it is really difficult to understand why people do theythings they do, and to predict if they will come back or not. You can be sure that if you treated them well, it has NOTHING to do with you. It is not your fault. It is all about them. Now with my experience, I would never get GIGS. I have learned how precious love is, andthat it is so hard to find. It is not always perfect though. So, if I find it,I would take care of it and work at it instead of wondering if something is better out there. Sure, there may be, doesn’t mean you will find it though. This is because of growing up and experience. I think a lot of people are more mature in their 20's than I was though. It wasn't until my 30's that I could see what I was doing and fix myself. Once a cheater always a cheater? No, I will never cheat again. Ican never forgive myself for what I have done. The reason why is because if you cheat, you will probably never get that person back if you regret what you have done. Also, I have been cheated on too and I never want to put someone through that pain. Do dumpers regret? Yes, but only if they don’t fall in love with a wonderful person again. Even if they do and it doesn’t work out, they may think that they will find it again in someone else. If they never find someone that compares to you; they will regret like I did. Why do dumpers become so cold when they breakup with you even if you haven’t done anything wrong? The reason I did it was because I didn’t really understand how it felt to be the dumpee, and what the dumpee needs to get closure and move on. Also, I was immature, therefore, selfish. The younger you are, the more self-centered you are. Your ability to put yourself in other people’s shoes comes with experience. I reallysuggest you watch this Ted talk by anthropologist Helen Fisher. I think it willgive you insight: “Why we love why we cheat”:http://www.ted.com/talks/helen_fisher_tells_us_why_we_love_cheat.html I hope this helps. I have been through hell and back. It never gets easier. Love is so amazing that’s why it hurts like hell when you lose it. Edited December 15, 2012 by HaveFaithxx 3
Bumaga vsyo sterpit Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 Amazing! I want to follow in your footsteps. You've obviously had a lot of fun!
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