I'm happier when he's not involved

[Myob12345]

So I had been putting a lot of thought into this LDR (2.5 years now...). What my needs are, what his are, recently.

 

We are currently LDR with no end in sight. Everything is dependent on if I can get a residency where he wants to go, and how willing he is to compromise and be flexible with location.

 

The weird thing is, after some reflecting, I noticed that about 90% of the time I feel bad or depressed over something, it's because of my relationship.

 

It isn't always related to him either. Sometimes it's issues with his friends, or family. I am a nice person, but there are people I prefer to hang out with and people I don't, simply due to the fact that some people make me feel bad about myself, or don't really add anything positive to my life (e.g. his friends all like to get wasted, don't value education, are pretty self absorbed, etc. so when I talk/hang out with them I just feel ****ty and bored.)

 

But sometimes it's just my boyfriend's own self...oriented outlook on life-- for example, when we talk I'd say it's probably 80% me asking him questions, encouraging him, listening to him talk about his music, life, etc. I have to insert things into the conversation to get him to listen about my stuff, rarely get complimented by him without fishing for it, and I get the reciprocal "good job" when I tell him about my achievements, but never any real encouragement or inspiration. Today, I was trying to tell him about a good conversation I had with my professor that made me happy, and he just changed the subject. I ended up finishing the convo with him frustrated and down from my happiness prior to talking to him.

 

I don't really feel like he inspires me to be a better person and I don't really feel like he's interested in my life outside of what I do with him.

 

At this point I don't know what to do. We do get along when things are going well. What I like most about him is that we can talk for hours and hours and never run out of things to say. The thing is I'm still trying to figure out if our "good times" makes me happier than usual, or if I get the same kind of happiness from friends and school.

 

I also am wanting to settle down, but he and his friends are still in the stage of "go out to bars, get drunk, talk to girls".

 

What do you guys think? worth it to stay and wait it out?

[UpwardForward]

LDR: I think a year to 18 months is about enough without knowing where the relationship's going.

 

If you have had a relationship that begins and finishes well, compare to that. And choose/expect the same w other relationships. You can still remain good friends and with the communication.

[Esoteric Elf]

As a manager who regularly trains new associates, I can tell who the motivated ones who ask intelligent questions when being trained; I see this case as not so different. His lack of questions probably is trending toward indifference.

 

The weird thing is, after some reflecting, I noticed that about 90% of the time I feel bad or depressed over something, it's because of my relationship.

Everyone has troubles. If you are in a relationship, you sometimes desire to be single; if you are single, you sometimes desire to be in a relationship: it is not so much fickleness with humans as it is a desire for self-improvement.

 

Juxtapose these two statements:

when we talk I'd say it's probably 80% me asking him questions, encouraging him

What I like most about him is that we can talk for hours and hours and never run out of things to say

it sounds as if you are practically talking yourself and enjoying having someone below your station "listen" in.

 

You hit upon it when you wanted compliments and encouragement. A relationship is meant to better a person, not detract or encourage a person to remain static; otherwise, there would be little purpose. Two people come together to try and become something better than any one of them could be alone: otherwise, there would be only hook-ups and casual sex.

 

Your trying to make good times where there are none (just merely being in his presence?) resonates with me. With a girl I met in class, I could talk with her for hours on end online (too shy in real life), and, once, I talked to her for 8 hours straight, ending only by her neice waking up and needing care.

 

As someone who has never tasted alcohol, wanting to get wasted sounds like a literaly waste of time better spend with you out and about, but you know him better than I. He doesn't seem to have much positive impact in your life. Don't deceive yourself into thinking you want this relationship for the sake of having one.

Edited December 15, 2012 by Esoteric Elf

[AngrySpider]

Hmmmm.....

 

One thing I've learned about and applied to the LDR that I'm in is the true value of listening to another person.Listening shows that you have both an interest in the other person's life,their activities,their feelings,etc. but that you want get an intimate knowledge of that special someone.From the sounds of it,your boyfriend could do a bit better in that regard while you're at least making an honest effort.

 

I want to know what my girlfriend is thinking,feeling,and doing.I want her to tell me about her day.I want her to come to me for any advice,support,or encouragement she needs.And,while we won't always have the same interests,I'll at least try doing what I can to accomodate to that. (i.e.,I'm not big into Harry Potter but I already told her that-once we see each other-we'll sit there,have a "Potterthon," and munch on popcorn).I won't go about doing that annoying thing otherwise known as subject-changing or show indifference to what she's saying.I want to know her inside and out and I want her to feel like she can talk to me about anything.I ask questions when need be.Your boyfriend should be doing the same for you.It isn't always about him and it seems like he thinks that it is.I can see why you're down about that.Relationships,at the end of the day,are 50/50 deals.If he wants to be listened to,he better be willing to extend the same courtesy to you.

 

Nothing wrong with wanting to hang out with friends and have a few adult beverages in the process.I think that some people are just better at balancing out wanting to have a good time while carrying on in a committed relationship than others.I don't know your boyfriend to assess with any degree of certainty how well he's able to do this.However,"talking to girls" should be off-limits to him.There's only one girl that should matter to him and that's you.(Unless he has females with whom he's in purely platonic relationships).I know that you would rather him hang out with some more people who are "agreeable" to you.But,unfortunately,our significant others choose their friends and there's always going to be at least one that we won't fancy much.

 

However,I'm a bit confused.It's great that you guys can talk for hours without running out of things to say.But I look at the title of your posting and you're saying that you're happier when he's not involved.I know that you feel for this guy but it sounds like he's doing more in the way of bringing you down than in picking you up.Sure,no one is always going to be happy in their relationships because,well...no relationship is perfect.But it's a troublesome sign when you can achieve more in the happiness with him not being involved than you can with him being involved.It should be the other way around.

 

I'm guessing that this guy has some growing up to do,to be honest.("Guessing" being the operative word here) I'm not saying that he's a bad dude by any means.There must be enough in the way of his character that attracted you to him.You shouldn't have to fish for compliments and/or encouragement.These are things that he should give to you of his own volition.I always tell my girl how beautiful she is or how proud I am of her when she accomplishes something.Just recently I told her that I support everything that she does,just as long as it doesn't hurt her,me,or our relationship.In a way,grown adults are no different than children in the sense that we need that positive reinforcement from that other person.And that's something that you should automatically get from your boyfriend.