Aftermath of botched dating stint

[ebt100]

Hello,

 

If you're pressed for time, skip forward to bolded-question. ANY thoughts would be appreciated.

 

Very-condensed description: I went on five dates with a woman I really grew to like. She apparently had a lot of fun too at first. We had two really nice dates, then a third nice date which got a little too "fluid" with wine, and ended in outdoor sex until 3:00 AM. Next day sent me a text apologizing, then four days later had fourth date, which was luke-warm, but she invited me back to her place after dinner. Nothing romantic happened; we just talked a bunch. I had four drinks between dinner and her place, she only had 1 at her place. That evening I said some dumb things. Then, on what would have been next date, she tells me in person she's "not feelin' it," but "still wants to hang out." I followed up with her in writing and this seemed true. So then a month later I text her, she responds saying she can hang out, then four hours later says she wont because she's seeing someone, who she had been out with before me, but claimed she didn't click with (don't really know who's choice that was)

 

Not really sure if this was more about the messed-up third date, or drinking too much on fourth date, or ultimately more about wanting the other guy all along. She said some REALLY suggestive things about liking me on the first few dates, which obviously was BS or something. That angered me. In retrospect, I actually would have been perfectly fine continuing to just "hang out" at a platonic level.

 

Anyway, I sent the person a "happy birthday" text a couple months later, just to be friendly, and have an excuse to do so. She replied that she didn't know who this was, and that I wasn't in her phone, and asked who I was. I didn't respond, then later she called my phone, but I didn't pick up (I guess because at the time I thought I was "in trouble").

 

Why I actually started this thread was to see if it was stupid to not respond to her text asking who I was, or if that was a fine thing to do since I wasn't in her phone. I guess I'm just wondering, at face value, if I should have identified myself, regardless of what other aspects of the situation are. I'm feel pretty silly and don't have the stomach to ask people I know about this.

[AsonUnique]

I think regardless of the situation, it's fine if you don't want to have anything to do with the person.

 

If I don't plan on being friends with a gal, I won't keep her number if I don't hear from her for a while. Then I'd have to ask if she ends up texting b/c I don't remember anyone's # these days.

[ebt100]

I actually want everything to do with the person.

 

Maybe I should just man up and text her telling her who it was who sent her the happy birthday text. Thing is, it's been three weeks, but I should probably do it.

 

Of course, I could think of several outcomes/responses she might text back that would leave me stricken with negative emotion, but whatever....

[Mrlonelyone]

Well you shouldn't want anything to do with her. Forget her forget her number and pretend she dosen't exist.

[ebt100]

Well you shouldn't want anything to do with her. Forget her forget her number and pretend she dosen't exist.

 

And why is this? (my self-respect completely aside)?

[Cutiepie1976]

Precisely! Your self-respect, your dignity, and a desire not to feel like a humiliated fool, among others.

 

It's not "manning up" to contact someone after they dump you then blow you. You'll be grovelling for bread crumbs at this point. If she deleted your number, she's telling you that she never had an interest in actually hanging out. It was a meaningless statement thrown out to ease the sting of dumping you.

 

There's nothing to be gained from what you propose doing.

[Ninjainpajamas]

The truth of the matter is likely all of this....had nothing to do with you. You were just simply "there".

 

A woman goes through an emotional rollercoaster within herself, sometimes she's on the up, sometimes she's on the down...you likely caught her on the down, she wanted to catch you....which for most women is a breeze because most guys are so aloof and naive they actually think they are being casanovas and doing something "right" to get laid when that woman decided from the get go you'd be her emotional/sexual validation quicky, then become disposable until further notice.

 

Which was likely due to another mans presence, her own emotional jacked up issues and head and whatever else that may have been going on at the time that she was feeling. She cut the cord and let you down easy with the whole "friends" thing, but women don't cut you off if they are really into you, don't be a fool.

 

It's funny how men and women try twist the truth around and these scenarios into something more appealing to swallow, or some kind of challenge or stepping up to the plate...look, it's clear as day that you've lost the battle, she was likely never into you...and letting herself get stupid drunk with you so she could be this wild little hyena with you for a night was likely just simply timing.

 

She's over it...because actually she was never on it and knew she could just use you for a little fun and validation...women like to feed their ego too you know, men are complete idiots thinking they are a step ahead, women figure it out real fast, it's their emotions that get them into trouble, not your slick moves, charming personality or irresistable corpse...the vast majority of the time IMO...you're just there, she's feeling a certain way/going through something and you're just the guy that was there...and easy.

 

Now she's likely on some other guys nuts till 3 a.m. (don't think you're the first or the last buddy) so instead of act like a pu$$y whipped nice guy over one night of drunken sex..."man up" and just walk away before you waste more of your time and just look and feel like a bigger fool, this woman will know she will have you wrapped around her finger and that's probably the type she is, to play around with guys like you....because you're easy to control.

 

Don't play the fool....but hey, you might deserve it so don't let me stop you.

[ebt100]

I hesitated to start threads about the specifics, which is why I limited the question to the bolded text in the opening post.

 

Anyway, what I actually haven't "manned up" to do is tell this person off.... I know exactly how that would make me feel after the fact, and also that probably nothing would be accomplished.

 

There is something particularly upsetting about this dating stint in question... I've gone out with hotter girls, a bunch of girls, etc, and when some of them I liked weren't interested, I was over it in a couple days or less.

 

So, one month after she tells me she's moving on, she agrees to hang out in a text at 11:00 AM. Then, in a text that evening retracts that, and says she's seeing someone. What's up with that? Did she do that just to piss me off? Next day posts on Facebook she's in relationship, with person she went out on a date before the two weeks with me.

[ebt100]

Person did say on first date her relationships were short.

 

But why not call it off after the drunk hookup? Why go out again, and invite me back to her place?

Edited December 17, 2012 by ebt100

[coffeebean201]

People change phones so much these days and they don't always bring the contact list.

 

Here's a possible text for you to send her - if it feels right:

"Wishing you a happy belated birthday. It is [Ryan, or whatever your name is]. I'm looking forward to xmas and hoping to do some [skiing, or some other interesting fun activity]. I enjoyed spending time with you and hope you have a great Xmas."

[Cutiepie1976]

Don't!

 

(10characters)

[ebt100]

Question would be much simpler if the person's facebook profile wasn't deactivated. She deactivated her account a couple months ago, and who knows if/when she'll come back to facebook... (then I could she if she's still in a relationship, or at least would have a simpler and less intrusive way to message her). I didn't think to copy down her email on facebook (plus now most of the emails I think are the "@facebook.com" emails so it wouldn't do any good anyway), and snail-mail is a no-go since she lives with her folks/family. Getting a message intercepted would be awkward.

 

In a way, there's just a bunch I want to say to the person, stuff that can't be said over text (both in terms of content, length, and medium of communication). My cell phone cuts out, and I wouldn't call anyway, even though on our "sixth date," a coffee outing after she said she wasn't in to me, she encouraged me to call her whenever.

 

I'm probably going to text her telling her who sent her the happy b-day message, but not sure when and what else I'll say.

 

As I said above I legitimately would like to just have this person as a friend/local buddy if it can't be romantic.

Edited December 19, 2012 by ebt100

[jcrew11]

I don't think she's interested in seeing you again or dating you again. Hence, she deleted your number from your phone.

 

There really is no reason to call her or text her again. She called you and could have left a voicemail, presuming your VM identifies your full name.

 

How old are you? If you are under 22, then she's probably a flighty girl who dates a lot of guys, and has a boyfriend.

 

If she is single, then you might have a chance if you go at her strong.

[ebt100]

I don't think she's interested in seeing you again or dating you again. Hence, she deleted your number from your phone.

 

There really is no reason to call her or text her again. She called you and could have left a voicemail, presuming your VM identifies your full name.

 

How old are you? If you are under 22, then she's probably a flighty girl who dates a lot of guys, and has a boyfriend.

 

If she is single, then you might have a chance if you go at her strong.

 

Yeah, I realized after she called me that the voicemail might have had my name, but I called my number from another phone and apparently it doesn't have my name.

 

We are 26.

 

 

 

SHE was the one who said on the first date she was attracted to me.

 

SHE was the one who scheduled a second date, which was the day after the first one.

 

SHE was the one who suggested we continue date #1 at a wine bar after dinner.

 

SHE was the one who added me as a facebook friend immediately after first date.

 

SHE told me we clicked, and that she really liked me.

 

SHE told me I was perfect.

 

SHE initiated conversations about sex, and the sex itself.

 

SHE kept demanding more sex and pulling me on top of her till 3 AM that night. Luckily for her she got three home runs; I struck out.

 

SHE wanted to see me the next day after sex, but I had plans.

 

SHE invited me back to her place after date #4.

 

 

 

Perhaps one can see my frustrations here. Those two weeks were awesome, and I went from not expecting much to cloud nine over the course of 10 days. Then it all comes to a screeching halt, and why? This screeching halt coincidentally eclipsed a period when both she got a promotion at work (a rather significant one), and--upon her intent questioning--technically miscommunicated my job title.

 

After delivering the news she "wasn't feelin' it," I asked her why. She said she was attracted to me, and that wasn't it (I believe that given her aggressive physical pursuance of me, and the three O's she had). She actually couldn't very well articulate why. She lied like a rug when I asked if she found someone else. And there, there's actually a lot I can accept; the other guy makes more money (probably), has his own place, etc. All about that that was upsetting was that she went on two dates with this individual prior to dates with me, and clearly one or the other decided it wasn't working at that point.

 

But anyway, I suppose that wasn't the point of this thread. In all honesty, I wanted someplace to collect my thoughts and write all this with a modicum of anonymity.

Edited December 19, 2012 by ebt100

[ebt100]

A few months ago after she said she'd hangout and then backed out, i sent her a text basically saying good riddance. My rationale for sending happy birthday text was to be friendly and try to reconnect. That may indeed be a low likelihood thing, but it is a zero likelihood thing if she didn't know who the text came from. She cared enough to call.

[plainjane79]

A few months ago after she said she'd hangout and then backed out, i sent her a text basically saying good riddance. My rationale for sending happy birthday text was to be friendly and try to reconnect. That may indeed be a low likelihood thing, but it is a zero likelihood thing if she didn't know who the text came from. She cared enough to call.

 

I think that you are thinking waaay too much about this situation. From what you have described, this woman is a complete mess. I doubt SHE even knows why she does what she does. I think you did fine not picking up the phone...in fact I don't think you should have even bothered to send her that birthday text, but what's done is done and it's really not a big deal.

 

Think about yourself...if YOU really liked a girl, would you treat her the way this girl has treated you? Sleep with her one day, tell her you're not into her the next day, say you want to hang out, then conveniently lose or delete her number from your phone a few weeks later and be in a relationship with someone else? Anybody who does that to someone else either is not into that someone else, or is crazy, and either way, why bother with them ever again?

 

Just let it go. You don't want this person as a friend or a girlfriend, trust me. I think it's just a matter of wanting what you can't have, and she's so twisted she comes across as intriguing when meanwhile she's probably just acting the way the voices in her head tell her to.

[DC4]

This thread is one of the most painful things I have ever read. OP-she clearly doesn't want to date you or be friends. Do yourself a HUGE favor and just forget her. Her actions scream volumes about her intent.

 

I understand that you had some awesome dates and she gave you positive signals at first but the bottom line is she checked out a while ago. She's a distant memory.

[Cutiepie1976]

OP, between this thread and your other one plotting how to show her your new teeth and all your self-improvements, you seem overly obsessed. There really is nothing you can do to get her back. Honestly, she never was yours. You had five dates and a crazy sexual encounter. She has moved on and clearly doesn't want you as a friend or a date.

 

For your own sanity, you have to let go. You've dated before. You will date again. All she apparently wanted was a hookup. If you must think about what happened, think about what you might do differently with the next woman you date. Good luck!

[ebt100]

You had five dates and a crazy sexual encounter. She has moved on and clearly doesn't want you as a friend or a date.

 

Then why the hell did she repeatedly say she did, and tell me she wanted to hang out. Yes, that's another one of the "SHE" things. After telling me in person we were done, she then says five minutes later she wants to still hang out. I was ready to move on, for real. Then I ask her again if that was true, and she says yes.

 

Then, a month after that she briefly agrees to hang out?

 

Who does that if it's not true? It doesn't sound fun or rational to pretend to want to still hang out. She could have easily ignored me, and all my texts (like most people would in such a situation). But she didn't.

 

I'm not saying she still wants to date me or hang out. I'm puzzled by here actions and words.

[ebt100]

This thread is one of the most painful things I have ever read. OP-she clearly doesn't want to date you or be friends. Do yourself a HUGE favor and just forget her. Her actions scream volumes about her intent.

 

I understand that you had some awesome dates and she gave you positive signals at first but the bottom line is she checked out a while ago. She's a distant memory.

 

Which ones?

 

So it's a red flag if someone says in early dates that they like you a lot? Is it also a red flag if someone wants to go out again and friends you on facebook? That all means they are bad people who are using you physically?

 

Can it also be assumed that all women out there who don't want to stay friends repeatedly say otherwise, just for the sport of it? I wonder what actions/terminology then would actually convey the message someone did want to still hang out.

[ebt100]

In other news, I've been at the other end of this. There was a girl in high school who went to great lengths to court me after misinterpreted weeks of flirting junior year. I wasn't feelin' it then, oh man, not even close. I made this clear.

 

She tried again the next fall, so fine, whatever. We hung out a bit, had a frisky sleepover. Whatever, didn't turn into anything.

 

She kept at it over the next couple years, didn't stop when I cancelled plans we had during one summer in college. Two summers later, she managed to get me out on a couple dates, at which point I actually liked her.

[ebt100]

Well, I haven't texted her, and as of now I probably won't. It just feels awkward. Maybe it will feel right sometime, maybe not. I clearly care too much about this. I would have absolutely no reservations (more or less) sending a text to another woman I had been on a few dates with and not communicated with for several months.... simply because I wouldn't care what the response would be.

 

What is (partially) stopping me from texting her again is the unpleasant emotional response I would get to ANY response from her phone, text or otherwise. It would be a devolution into vulnerability. So many possible responses, or combinations of responses, are keeping me from feeling comfortable texting her.

 

...

 

Anyway, looking back to the post-hookup period... I couldn't go out the next day because I had to pack for a weekend trip. Then, on the weekend I was out of town seeing a friend, and didn't really think to text her. At that point, the fourth date was planned, so I didn't want to "rock the boat." Plus, at the time I didn't think that it was necessary to text.

 

Having spent a little time browsing this site, it seems for some women that "hooking up" is a rather emotionally-significant event, and that behaviors (whether digital/social-media or real-life) following the hook-up hold great significance, and are heavily-interpreted.

 

When I was back at her house having a glass of wine on the back porch with her, at one point one of her cats (who had an incomplete castration) began humping a rug on the floor. I made a silly comment "boys need their loving." She GROSSLY-misinterpreted this as me asking for sex, and proceeded to say: "not on your first time here!" [WTF, really?]

 

And at that point, just like that, the tone changed. She said: "it's getting dark," and took the evening back to the kitchen.

 

Earlier that evening, at dinner, I shared with her what I thought I already told her about some food allergies of mine, and how my girlfriend might not be able to eat certain foods and then kiss me. The reacted rather resistantly to this. I also said some dumb things about my opinion on grizzly-bear attacks in the National Parks.