BetrayedH Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 Update: We had a "talk" yesterday and here's what happened/what was said... (HIM) "Hypothetically IF I were WITH her, there's nothing that can be done about it now...about THAT or anything that you may or may not have done SO we need to just put it behind us"..."Why would I want to be with her when she has nothing to offer me?" (I can't help but take this as SHE can't offer him anything financially...he sure wasn't thinking about that while he was sneaking off to bone her BEFORE my grandmother and uncle died) He also now wants to take a "family" vacation, telling me how much he has ALWAYS desired me, sorry that he wasn't there for me when my uncle died-when he was at his "brother's" and didn't want to come home because I'd had some drinks, blah, blah... STILL won't be transparent with me in giving me access to his gmail account (where I found THE emails)... I'm even MORE upset and SICK than I was before as he is STILL her gd friend on FB, and how do I know that theyre still not using the way/source that they used to talk about/meet up for their (hypothetical, of course!) bang dates?! Is he sincere? Is he BSing me? I JUST DONT KNOW!!! I'm literally dying over here...panic attacks, cant eat, feel as though I'm losing it...I love him and truly want to believe he's sincere in wanting to work things out BUT it just comes across to me as he'll forgive me for any pain I've caused him IF I just put what's gone on recently (with him) behind us and "start ANEW"... Yep, that's the old "get over it" line. He wants you to do that before he even tells you what "it" is. How can you forgive someone if you don't know what it is you're being asked to forgive? Or perhaps he hypothetically apologized? You can expect to have this followed up by the blame being shifted to you. Soon, your reconciliation will be failing because you are "living in the past." You'll be to blame for "sabotaging our marriage." This is continued gaslighting, an attempt to shift the blame to you, is straight out of the cheater's handbook, and is NO sign of true remorse. He's cruing because you made him feel bad when he got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Blah, blah, blah. I hope you take control of this situation soon. It's your turn to drive the bus. I think it was Furious that got dolled up to the nines (I specifically remember the mention of stillettos), went out to a bar, got some phone numbers, and then came home and flushed them down the toilet in front of her wayward husband. I'm not necessarily advocating that in your situation but it ain't far off from what I would recommend.
BetrayedH Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 look, don't confront. lay low. When he thinks you have calmed down, he will resume contact, get sloppy. You have to go into your investigative mode with all your proof. Make copies and keep it safe. Even then, they will try to lie their way out of it. I would confront him when your are ready. And confront her too! I do not know where you live, but inheritance is outside the scope of a marital assets. It may be the only thing. You have a right to do with it whatever you see fit. Tell him you are putting it into a savings account for the kids,or whatever. Don't let him dictate a family vacation on your dime. He is taking swipes at you for "drinking too much?" This too is very common. During my H's affair, I was the loneliest I had ever been. Did I drink too much? I think, yes! But what came first? The chicken or the egg? Stop drinking, please. You need your wits about you. Not judging you, but you need a plan here. I'd like to like this twice.
Author momtojsb123 Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 Yep, that's the old "get over it" line. He wants you to do that before he even tells you what "it" is. How can you forgive someone if you don't know what it is you're being asked to forgive? Or perhaps he hypothetically apologized? You can expect to have this followed up by the blame being shifted to you. Soon, your reconciliation will be failing because you are "living in the past." You'll be to blame for "sabotaging our marriage." This is continued gaslighting, an attempt to shift the blame to you, is straight out of the cheater's handbook, and is NO sign of true remorse. He's cruing because you made him feel bad when he got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Blah, blah, blah. I hope you take control of this situation soon. It's your turn to drive the bus. I think it was Furious that got dolled up to the nines (I specifically remember the mention of stillettos), went out to a bar, got some phone numbers, and then came home and flushed them down the toilet in front of her wayward husband. I'm not necessarily advocating that in your situation but it ain't far off from what I would recommend. Definitely sounds like you've "been there, done that" before, and for that I'm so, so sorry Plus you're giving me FANTASTIC advice. It's just amazing how, right now, he's laying in our bed giving multiple hints to have "relations" and all I want to do is literally vomit.
veryhappy Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 You are in denial. There's no need for more proof. They are having an A and it's probably been on and off for a large portion of your M. I wouldn't hurry to call her a "ho", I'm sure he's done his bs-Ing that he had to marry you and you're a horrible wife. You need to see him for who he is. Ask him to move out.Rightnow you want so desperatelto believe him that you won't see reality with his continuous influence around you. No family vacation. He wants to fake it into normalcy. Don't play his games. 2
BetrayedH Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 You are in denial. There's no need for more proof. They are having an A and it's probably been on and off for a large portion of your M. I wouldn't hurry to call her a "ho", I'm sure he's done his bs-Ing that he had to marry you and you're a horrible wife. You need to see him for who he is. Ask him to move out.Rightnow you want so desperatelto believe him that you won't see reality with his continuous influence around you. No family vacation. He wants to fake it into normalcy. Don't play his games. I'm afraid most of this ^^^ is probably true. Do you have a new plan? It can be very hard to know what to do and sometimes we get stuck staying out of fear or analysis-paralysis and next thing you know, you're in a reconciliation you never really chose except by default.
CantgetoveritNY Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 Mom 123, I drank too much while my wife was blame shifting and gaslighting me. She did too. I quit and found it gave me a great edge. If you can not quit without it get some Antabuse. One pill in the AM and you are sure to be booze free all day no matter what he throws your way. And you will be glad for it when you see how much better you handle the oportunites that come your way.
Author momtojsb123 Posted December 21, 2012 Author Posted December 21, 2012 Well well...let my curiosity get the best of me and did some more "investigating" and lo and behold! Found some FB messages (her side only) from March-April 2011. They consisted of her loving him and knowing he loves her, her thanking him for "last night...putting a smile on her face", why he hasnt gotten the ball rolling on his "big plan" of leaving me, tired of waiting, etc...now I can only wonder how damned long this has really been going on. At least I now know for sure I'm not crazy but man am I one stupid idiot!!
BetrayedH Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 Well well...let my curiosity get the best of me and did some more "investigating" and lo and behold! Found some FB messages (her side only) from March-April 2011. They consisted of her loving him and knowing he loves her, her thanking him for "last night...putting a smile on her face", why he hasnt gotten the ball rolling on his "big plan" of leaving me, tired of waiting, etc...now I can only wonder how damned long this has really been going on. At least I now know for sure I'm not crazy but man am I one stupid idiot!! Oh, you're not an idiot. You trusted your husband just like a wife should be able to do. He trampled on that and managed to take advantage of your good nature. That's on him, sweetheart. My hope is that this strengthens your resolve to take care of yourself. Start seriously identifying resources that will help you get completely independent of him. Lean on everyone. What kind of a plan do you have now?
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