What should I think and/or do?

[momtojsb123]

Forewarning, this is kinda long...apologize in advance.

I have been married for 19 years to a kind,loving,and hardworking man with just one hang-up:he has been in contact with one of his exes since we've been married.

This ex has always had a hang-up when it comes to our marriage as she was the last person he had dated before he married me. She flirts with him, calls/texts him regularly (even when it's for "relationship" advice), etc. Yes, I've expressed to him on numerous occasions how much this bothers me but he consistently states that it's just her, not him, behaving in such ways, which I've found to be not very truthful as she knew a bit too much about my former issues with alcohol and my bi-polarism. But that's another story entirely, and I'm more concerned about the one at hand.

Around July-August she started "seeing" a married man she met in a bar (she had recently gone through her SECOND divorce), and luckily there was no heavy contact between herself and my husband, but as soon as the married fella dumped her? BAM! It started alll over again. They began to have lengthy conversations about my father-in-law's illness (cancer), her married guy, and one of her ex-husbands which bothered me quite a bit BUT I truly decided to give both of them, especially him, the benefit of the doubt and be an adult. It wasn’t long after that that my husband and I were planning a small get-together for a football game and she was invited…and while she got quite intoxicated all went well. BUT I noticed that my husband was being very, very reserved even though it was his utmost favorite team we were watching and they were winning!! Anyways, seeing that I felt that things weren’t nearly as I had believed them to be I overlooked his sullenness and actually agreed to let her take him to see his very ill father out of town late last month because I had to work and have two children that are still in school. Here’s what has occurred since:

2) Two weeks after he got back from visiting his father he suddenly decided to go visit his brother two weekends in a row to watch the game and spend the night.

3) The first weekend I was suspicious that he wasn’t at his brother’s, but the second weekend was worse: found out that my uncle had died suddenly, called him on the phone in tears, yet he acted as though he couldn’t be bothered to come home. As the night continued his answering of my texts and phone calls got farther and farther apart, then completely ending around 10:30pm. The next morning he called me around 5:30am saying he was heading home…got here in less than 30 minutes from a place that normally takes him well over 45 mins.

4) During the weeks that encompassed said weekends he worked late MANY nights yet his check didn’t reflect nearly that much overtime and he didn’t let me see the check stub.

5) Just 2 days ago I did the unthinkable and looked through his email and found some messages from her via Vtext (lets you text from Verizon’s website so the senders number won’t show up on the recipient’s bill)—obviously he didn’t realize that some of them DO show up on the email account he has attached to his phone. Here’s what the messages said:

a) What time do you get off of work today?

b) I’m sorry I was an idiot. I love you more than life itself!

c) I love and miss you!!

Soooo, I proceeded to let both of them know of my discovery, and while I got no reply from her I got plenty from him! Things he said: He has “no idea what those messages were about”; “it’s HER fantasy, not mine!”; “notice that there aren’t any more messages AFTER November 10th” (BTW, the weekends in question are Nov. 10th and 24th); “I married YOU, not HER”; “you’re the one that put me through hell with your alcoholism!!”; “You’re delusional and speculating…you have nothing proving that I did anything!”; “I’m acting this way because you’re accusing me of something I haven’t done…just speculating…and you’re driving me crazy!”. Plus he got very angry because I contacted her and said he didn’t need the headache of dealing with her.

What should I think? What should I do?

 

Oh, and has SWORN that they're no longer friends as she's blocked him on FB (told me this without my even asking...even went so far as to show me his friend list without my asking) BUT found out that yes, they are still friends AND there's been some strange data transfers on his phone that just say "wap.cingular" SENT and the time of day/night, nothing else.

[pteromom]

I think you have enough suspicious clues to hire a PI or have a friend follow him next time he goes to his "brother's" house.

 

Definitely sounds like something is going on to me.

[BetrayedH]

He has "no idea" what the "I love you more than life itself" messages were about? How is it you are speculating and have no proof?

 

Answer: You are being "gaslighted."

 

Get familiar with the term.

 

Put his things on the front lawn, change the locks, and wish him the best with his OW. Read up on the "180." Do not let him back into the marital home until he earns his way back in by demonstrating that he is truly remorseful. This includes (at minimum) going "no contact" with the other woman for life, coming completely clean with his dalliances without reservation and being complete transparent with his life (passwords to everything).

 

If you do these things, you will thank yourself later.

[Steen719]

He has "no idea" what the "I love you more than life itself" messages were about? How is it you are speculating and have no proof?

 

Answer: You are being "gaslighted."

 

Get familiar with the term.

 

Put his things on the front lawn, change the locks, and wish him the best with his OW. Read up on the "180." Do not let him back into the marital home until he earns his way back in by demonstrating that he is truly remorseful. This includes (at minimum) going "no contact" with the other woman for life, coming completely clean with his dalliances without reservation and being complete transparent with his life (passwords to everything).

 

If you do these things, you will thank yourself later.

 

You are not going to want to believe this ^^^ but it is absolutely the best thing to do. He is lying to you, plain and simple and now that you are on to him, he is trying to go further into hiding. I believe the wap.cingular is something that means you can use internet to get emails. That may not be correct, but maybe someone else will know.

 

If you have to have more evidence, then get it. Be strong and show him the door. Whatever he thinks he wants with her will lose it's appeal when he no longer has a wife, children and a home.

 

I made a lot of mistakes, but I really wished I had done this; just said go get her now. I'm done with you. I ended up divorcing him, but he strung along, lying and minimizing and telling me I was imagining it. People in this type of situation are not usually honest and up front.

 

Good luck. It is such an awful position to be in. Way too many of us know.

[momtojsb123]

So should I confront him with the NEW info I have (and let him be sooooo nice as he has been lately), or should I wait until after my attorney appt. on Monday?

[Steen719]

What is the new information?

[momtojsb123]

He has "no idea" what the "I love you more than life itself" messages were about? How is it you are speculating and have no proof?

 

Answer: You are being "gaslighted."

 

Get familiar with the term.

 

Put his things on the front lawn, change the locks, and wish him the best with his OW. Read up on the "180." Do not let him back into the marital home until he earns his way back in by demonstrating that he is truly remorseful. This includes (at minimum) going "no contact" with the other woman for life, coming completely clean with his dalliances without reservation and being complete transparent with his life (passwords to everything).

 

If you do these things, you will thank yourself later.

 

Got familiar with the term like you suggested and things went "BING!!" in my head!! SOOO what he is doing now, not to mention interdispersing his GSing statements with unbelieveably cruel personal swipes at me.

[momtojsb123]

What is the new information?

 

That he is still "friends" with her on friggin FB (after he made SURE to SHOW me his friend list w/o her on it, and telling me that she had blocked him on there a while back...all without me asking, that is, as I never viewed it, FB, as a "threat").

[pteromom]

He is going to have an excuse or deflection for any accusation you make. So it is pointless to bring up the latest evidence (unless that evidence is something irrefutable like a photograph.)

[momtojsb123]

Good for you!

 

Tell him what you know and then walk away, go out, whatever.

If he follows you around the house, shoo him away and tell him you have an appt on Monday.

 

Don't talk to him until he starts talking. Then when he starts talking - know this - it won't be the truth.

 

TY for the advice!! BUT I think I'm just going to wait as this **** has been going on for a while and I'm finally going to be in a position where I can tell him to completely F*$K off. Oh, guess I forgot to mention that he's been NICE since A) I found the emails/called him on it and B) he found out that I'm getting a nice Trust Fund/Inheritance AAANNNDD he's suddenly wanting to go on a "family" trip for Christmas whereas, ahem, he sure as hell didn't want US going to visit his father, sick or not.

Edited December 14, 2012 by momtojsb123

[pteromom]

B) he found out that I'm getting a nice Trust Fund/Inheritance

 

Hmmmmmmmm... No wonder he doesn't want to tell you the truth.

 

Protect yourself. Protect your inheritance.

 

I would seriously think about having him followed next time he spends the night at his brother's house.

[Steen719]

He is going to have an excuse or deflection for any accusation you make. So it is pointless to bring up the latest evidence (unless that evidence is something irrefutable like a photograph.)

 

I agree with this.

TY for the advice!! BUT I think I'm just going to wait as this **** has been going on for a while and I'm finally going to be in a position where I can tell him to completely F*$K off. Oh, guess I forgot to mention that he's been NICE since A) I found the emails/called him on it and B) he found out that I'm getting a nice Trust Fund/Inheritance

 

Figures, right? Find out about the inheritance when you go to the attorney. Get evidence to support your position. Keylogger on computer, voice activated recorder in his car, some kind of GPS thing on his car. You will get ideas from here.

[momtojsb123]

But see here enlies the problem: he's not been to his "brother's" since my relative passed (11/24) and I DO have a way to track him. BUT it's damned evident that he's still in contact with this "ho"!! Hmmm...think I'm going to plan a GNO and see what he "plans" for the evening.

[BetrayedH]

There is almost no point in confronting a wayward spouse. What does it accomplish? It just reveals your sources and gives him yet another opportunity to spin more bull****.

 

What they recognize are consequences.

 

You can't control your spouse. You can only decide how you are going to respond. If you accept his behaviors, he will be happy and continue them. If you exact harsh consequences, he will not like it. He may not change but you will have provided him motivation to do so.

 

Exposure to the other person's spouse, your friends, and your family completely ruins the fantasy world he's living in. Suddenly the affair is not exciting but a complete pain in the arse that is ruining his life. It also sucks for the OW and she may just dump him because of the drama. Affairs are like mushrooms; they die in the sunlight.

[BetrayedH]

But see here enlies the problem: he's not been to his "brother's" since my relative passed (11/24) and I DO have a way to track him. BUT it's damned evident that he's still in contact with this "ho"!! Hmmm...think I'm going to plan a GNO and see what he "plans" for the evening.

 

Now you're thinking more along the right lines.

 

If you need more "proof," go into investigative mode. Don't confront. Never reveal your sources. Play dumb, compliant, and trusting.

 

I used a GPS on my wife's car. Other people have a lot of success with voice activated recorders placed under the seat or steering column. You can also place a keylogger on his computer (might be illegal if it is a company-owned device).

[momtojsb123]

Now you're thinking more along the right lines.

 

If you need more "proof," go into investigative mode. Don't confront. Never reveal your sources. Play dumb, compliant, and trusting.

 

I used a GPS on my wife's car. Other people have a lot of success with voice activated recorders placed under the seat or steering column. You can also place a keylogger on his computer (might be illegal if it is a company-owned device).

 

Cant afford a keylogger at the moment and he has a laptop...plus I'm pretty sure most of his interactions occur over his cell phone. He even went so far as to hand me the phone so his brother (yes, he has one) could "let me know" that he was coming over there on the nights in question. WTF?! Also, on 11/24 (one night he was at his "brother's" house) I had a close family member pass suddenly yet he couldn't be bothered as he was "worried that I had been drinking or something and didn't want to deal with me"...ummm, I was VERY distraught as this was a VERY sudden death of a very close and quite young family member. Lost ALL contact with him about 10:30pm that night until around 5:30am the next morning. Ah hell, I'm just ranting now, but still...

[Steen719]

In that case, invest in a voice activated recorder to put in his car as he probably calling her from his car. It might help you be certain of what he is doing. I understand that it may not actually "help" to confront him with it, but it may ease your mind to allow you to do what you need to do....well, not really ease your mind, but you get my point.

[BetrayedH]

All of these things are your gut screaming that something is off. One thin most of us have learned is to "trust your gut." Someone recently posted that when you suspect your spouse might be cheating, 90% of the time they are. I believe that is very close to accurate. And you have a lot more than suspicion. You have ILY texts that weren't disclosed and some juvenile, "Uh, yeah, I don't know" explanation.

 

Your attorney will know if you live in a "no fault" state. Some states (all but about 13 of them) really don't care about infidelity anymore. They don't care who is at fault. They just divide the kids, the assets, and the liabilities and they know how to do it. But some states do care and it could greatly affect custody, alimony, and support.

 

If your state is an "at fault" state, you'll probably want more proof than you have. If it's no fault, then more proof would only be needed to satisfy your own need to know for sure and to be honest, I think it's undeniable at this point even if he chooses to continue to deny it.

 

As for money, borrow it from family if you must.

[2sunny]

I think he's been cheating with her for a long time.

[whichwayisup]

Sadly, me too Sunny..

 

This has been going on much longer than you realize.

 

She is a cancer, an enemy to your marriage and fact is, she has to go. Either her or you! he cannot have it both ways.

 

I would tell him to pack a suitcase and get out and to expect a call from your lawyer, suggest he get one too. Tell him "DO you think I'm stupid?" I know you've been lying to me and cheating for a lot longer than you think."

 

Make sure he gets none of that money you've inherited.

[ComingInHot]

file BEFORE you get your inheritance!!

Use the voice recorder on your phone to record Your conversations w/him.

Cheaters can say things that are incriminating during a gaslighting rant and you won't notice or think of it till later then it's he said she said.

He's been argumentative too right? Get that recorded too.

Seriously though, you DON'T want him to stay w/you til you get your $$$ then take half to his "piece" or slowly spend it behind your back on her...

 

I'm so mad for you right now!! GGgrrrRRRrrrrrrrrr!

[momtojsb123]

TY ALL for the advice!! Soaking up ALOT of it!! As far as my inheritance goes: it's a trust, and in the state of TN he DOESN'T have any access to it UNLESS I've spent any of it towards marital property/anything joint...then he may be entitled to some IF the judge sees that he is, but the SOME will be very minimal. I want to pay off the home that he and I bought BUT I do want to take his name OFF of it!!!

[BetrayedH]

TY ALL for the advice!! Soaking up ALOT of it!! As far as my inheritance goes: it's a trust, and in the state of TN he DOESN'T have any access to it UNLESS I've spent any of it towards marital property/anything joint...then he may be entitled to some IF the judge sees that he is, but the SOME will be very minimal. I want to pay off the home that he and I bought BUT I do want to take his name OFF of it!!!

 

I don't know TX laws but I would be very hesitant to spend any significant amount of your money on a marital debt. You will just have decreased his liability (the mortgage) and he will still likely have entitlement to half of the asset (the house) in a divorce. Typically, everything is considered marital until the date of filing except for things that were pre-marital.

 

In my case, as part of the divorce agreement my wife got the house. But she had to refinance it under her name only (to get me out of responsibility for the mortgage) and I had to sign a Quit Claim Deed (to relinquish my claim to it as an asset). I wouldn't do anything but pay monthly minimums until you have filed for divorce.

[momtojsb123]

Update: We had a "talk" yesterday and here's what happened/what was said...

(HIM) "Hypothetically IF I were WITH her, there's nothing that can be done about it now...about THAT or anything that you may or may not have done SO we need to just put it behind us"..."Why would I want to be with her when she has nothing to offer me?" (I can't help but take this as SHE can't offer him anything financially...he sure wasn't thinking about that while he was sneaking off to bone her BEFORE my grandmother and uncle died)

 

He also now wants to take a "family" vacation, telling me how much he has ALWAYS desired me, sorry that he wasn't there for me when my uncle died-when he was at his "brother's" and didn't want to come home because I'd had some drinks, blah, blah...

 

STILL won't be transparent with me in giving me access to his gmail account (where I found THE emails)...

 

I'm even MORE upset and SICK than I was before as he is STILL her gd friend on FB, and how do I know that theyre still not using the way/source that they used to talk about/meet up for their (hypothetical, of course!) bang dates?!

 

Is he sincere? Is he BSing me? I JUST DONT KNOW!!!

 

I'm literally dying over here...panic attacks, cant eat, feel as though I'm losing it...I love him and truly want to believe he's sincere in wanting to work things out BUT it just comes across to me as he'll forgive me for any pain I've caused him IF I just put what's gone on recently (with him) behind us and "start ANEW"...

[Spark1111]

look, don't confront. lay low. When he thinks you have calmed down, he will resume contact, get sloppy. You have to go into your investigative mode with all your proof. Make copies and keep it safe.

 

Even then, they will try to lie their way out of it.

 

I would confront him when your are ready. And confront her too!

 

I do not know where you live, but inheritance is outside the scope of a marital assets. It may be the only thing. You have a right to do with it whatever you see fit. Tell him you are putting it into a savings account for the kids,or whatever. Don't let him dictate a family vacation on your dime.

 

He is taking swipes at you for "drinking too much?" This too is very common. During my H's affair, I was the loneliest I had ever been. Did I drink too much? I think, yes! But what came first? The chicken or the egg?

Stop drinking, please. You need your wits about you. Not judging you, but you need a plan here.