Javabear Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 Our story: -met on the second day of our first year of college (ages 18 and 19) -started dating two months later -dated for three years -first relationship for him, first serious relationship for me Over the course of three years we traveled together, met each other's families (after our first year of dating his family came to Thanksgiving at my house) and grew EXTREMELY close. I have never been so comfortable with anyone. We shared everything. We knew everything about each other. Every secret, every freckle, everything. There was nothing we didn't talk about. Our future: -we talked about marriage constantly. After a year of being together he wrote a letter to one of his friends who passed away and showed it to me some months later. In it he wrote, "I fell in love this year. I don't think she knows or if she believes me, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to marry her." -we were going to move to a new city together when we graduated college this year -we have the same values and wants in life Our problems: -I loved him too much. He became my world and I couldn't be truly happy unless he was around. This made him feel guilty whenever he had to leave me. -I tried to force him to be someone he wasn't -He was unappreciative of my love -He is immature and always said that he never wanted to grow up -He pushes his emotions (especially bad ones) deep, deep down so he doesn't have to deal with them, puts on a smile and pretends everything is fine Our breakup: -almost three months ago -completely a shock and surprise to me -I went away for a weekend, came back and he told me he had feelings for someone else -He said he didn't want to break up because he knew he needed me he just didn't know how to want me anymore -He said he couldn't imagine marrying anyone other than me -10 days later it was over -I tried for a month to get him back and I now I only made things worse -After a month he said, "I've moved on. I know it's soon but as you've said, I was never as invested in our relationship as you were." He also said, "I'm not in love with you anymore" but he also said that he loves me as a friend and cares for me and respects me. -I was a complete mess for two solid months. Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't stop crying. The other girl: -Met her during training for his job -She is JUST like him: bubbly, outgoing, always smiling -She's a year younger than he is -Didn't seem overly interested in a relationship because of a sketchy past with boys but started opening up to him and saying things like "everything happens for a reason" (I know this by reading his emails... TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE thing to do, I know. I'm not proud but I was crazy during the first month) -they've had at least one date because he told me he planned one but they are not publicly dating or with each other all the time and his best friends (who hate that he broke up with me and know it's a mistake) haven't heard anything about her -I believe she is a coping mechanism/band-aid for the breakup Post Breakup: -he has not initiated any contact with me because our mutual friends told him that's the only way for me to heal -he wants to be friends -I have grown strong, independent and I know that I don't need anyone but myself to be happy. I have my own plan for the future without him. -I've been to therapy for this breakup and my parents' recent divorce -I can have fun and be happy on my own The problem: -He's the love of my life and I can't imagine feeling this way about anyone else. -I CAN live without him, but I don't want to -I'm worried that there's no hope for us -I hate not talking to him and being able to tell him about my life Ways I've been strong: -resisting the immense urge to call him -living happily without him -realizing that our relationship had problems and that it wasn't as perfect as I thought I miss him all the time, but he made the choice to leave and I have to respect that. I just can't bring myself to believe that this is truly it forever. I have to see him in a couple days to return the last of his things that he's left at my apartment and part of me desperately wants him to say, "No, stop, this is all a mistake. I love you and I will do anything in the world to keep you forever." But the much more realistic part of me knows that I'm going to drop off the stuff, say goodbye and never speak to him again. This breaks my heart. I don't deserve someone who could so easily throw away such a comfortable relationship because he is scared of the future and scared by how much I used to need him. But I'm not the same person anymore... or at least I'm growing into a new, better version of me. I wish he could see that. Is there any hope for this hopeless situation?
blotter Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 I know this is hard to hear, but it is over. This is both of yours first love, and being as such, it is EXTREMELY, EXTREMELY rare for first love to develop into anything meaningful like marriage. You two are in that age group where you are exploring yourselves and your sexuality. And sticking in long monogamous relationships just ain't gonna happen. When people are that age they want to **** lots of different people before settling down.
Samilia Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 All I can advice is to keep on doing what you're doing. I do believe it gets better. My idea of true love is that it has to be mutual, when it's not mutual it slowly becomes an obsession. Of course I can see how someone can keep on loving a lost one, that's something else. What I don't believe in is "love of my life" type of deal. Well, I do.. once it's mutual. I don't believe that something lost can never be found again in someone else. If i was to put the effort in, I would meet someone else, someone better than this one guy I still think about years later, that, I know for a fact. I do understand how it hurts to lose someone you loved. Chin up, think about it but don't dwell on it. Once you feel a bit better, put yourself out there, put in the effort and you will be rewarded. Don't make the same mistakes twice, don't allow anybody to be the center of your world ever again, instead, have them be part of it.
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