what to do about our differences in terms of drinking habits???

[BrianMM]

My girlfriend is 22 and i am 20 will be 21 in september of '04 she drinks and her friends drink. i don't drink hardly at all and my friends don't drink. i feel really weird when i am hanging out with Kristin and her friends cause they get drunk and i am not drinking at all. the thing that i am always worried about is one night she went out with a new made female friend and came home on her friends back cause she was sooo messed up she couldn't walk. she tried to get of the couch and fell down and started puking all over our living room floor and herself. she couldn't talk right and she didn't remember anything the next day. now this is soo weird for me cause i have only heard stories about it and i have never had to deal with it. and now it was right there and i had no idea what to do. so we talked and she promises she didn't mean to get that bad and it would never happen again. but now every time i smell beer i flash back to that. so when i hang out with her while she is drinking or when she goes out and drinks i just worry all night that it will be like that again. i realize this isn't healthy but i need some advise. i want to have fun with them but i am soo worried about that happening again. her friends and her think i should just get a buzz going and relax. but i feel like i have to make sure she doesn't drink to much. i am in real need of advise. thanks if you can help

[uriel]

Well, it's possible that Kristin has crossed the line from social drinking (a big part of young adult culture these days) to alcoholism. I'm not certain that's the case, but it's something for you to think about, given how frequently she drinks and the episode of binge drinking you describe. Here's a list of the warning signs from a medical site:

 

"Warning Signs of Alcoholism The following list is not all inclusive and a "diagnosis" or "label" of alcoholism should not be based upon these warning signs. Only physicians and clinical psychologists can make that call. Trying to cut down or to quit drinking but failing at it. Blackouts (a blackout is not being so drunk that the person can´t remember anything, or passing out; a blackout is simply an amnesia for an event that occurred the previous day or evening, as though it had been erased from the memory completely) or lapses of memory, after use. Drinking alcohol while alone, or hiding the evidence of use. Using alcohol to forget about problems or worries or to relieve stress, fear, shyness or insecurity. Doing things while "under the influence" that cause regret afterwards. Becoming more moody, jealous or irritable after drinking. Being irritated when family or friends discuss drinking. Feeling guilty about drinking. Not being able to enjoy an event without alcohol. Using much more than other people in a social gathering. Neglecting responsibilities in order to use alcohol. Losing time from duty due to drinking. Family, friends or supervisor expressing concern about alcohol use. Being willing to do almost anything to get alcohol. Financial or legal problems from using alcohol."

 

Now, if you decide Kristin might be an alcoholic, you should have a serious talk with her and ask her to get some help.

 

If Kristin is, you decide, just a heavy social drinker, then you need to consider whether you want to stay in a relationship with someone who is so into that lifestyle. You don't share it, and so you feel like an outsider to it -- you're also not in sympathy with how it leads her to act (and I don't blame you). Do you want to base your future on a relationship with someone who drinks constantly, rolls home drunk, and throws up on the rug? You might assume she'll grow out of that behavior, but when you commit to someone longterm, you need to accept that they might not change and take them as is.

 

Bottom line is: You're not her parent. It's not up to you to monitor her drinking and make sure she doesn't go too far. Kristin should be monitoring herself. If she keeps getting drunk or binging after she's giving you her word that she won't do that, then she's not taking good care of herself and honoring your legitimate concerns for her well being and your relationship.

 

Should you just chill out, get a buzz on, and join the crowd? No, I don't think so. Nothing wrong with an occasional social drink or two -- but drinking out every night (or nearly so) and getting drunk often isn't the way to have a healthy, productive, valued life.

 

-- uriel

[BrianMM]

You have a very valid point. i just need to let her do her thing and if she goes back on her word just end it? that makes sense to em otherwise i shoud just trust that she will be true to her word.

 

another thing is everyone thinks i should try getting drunk just to see it isn't that bad. i see alot of people who have fun getting drunk and things i am just scared should i try it like at home in a ontroled invironment?

[uriel]

If you're curious about it, you might go ahead and try it once in a safe environment to see how it feels. Frankly, I don't think you're missing much. People like how it makes them feel relaxed and lose some inhibitions. It can also make some people feel melancholy or violent though -- all depends on what you've got stewing under the surface. Ask yourself why you'd be trying it, though -- because you really want that for your own ends or because you want to fit in with Kristin?

 

As for ultimatums in a relationship, that's a tough call. If this girl is an alcoholic, then one is likely merited. If she's just a heavy social drinker, then what?

 

You need to get clear on what your goal is here. Are you trying to protect her from herself or turn her into the girl you wish she could be if she weren't out pickling herself? If it's protecting from herself, you're fighting a losing battle AND putting yourself into a parental relation that isn't good for your relationship or fair to you (you deserve a stable partner). If it's that you wish she'd be someone different, there again, you are fighting a losing battle and deluding yourself about who you are actually living with and loving.

 

On the other hand, if you are just fine with Kristin's heavy social drinking and only wish she wouldn't mess up the rug and lose her sense out in public where someone could hurt or take advantage of her, then be there the next time she drinks too much to tell her how disappointed you are. Help her clean up the mess and move on with her. Keep doing that until she gets some sense or you get tired of watching her not using any.

 

-- uriel

[treeman]

I don't drink much at all much either and have never got drunk although some of my friends occasionally do. If her friends are good and decent people they won't care if you don't drink. At the end of the day the girl has to stop getting drunk with her friends because you really can't live the rest of your lives like that as you would prolley won't go grow up have a family etc. (that's if your that serious) Hopefully she'll grow out of it is what i'm saying. My girlfriend drinks more than me but not that much and doesn't get drunk (although she gets a bit tipsy as she doesn't need much) but knows and understands that she'd rather be with me and remember the stuff we do rather than be drunk as the next day you end up feeling bad anyway. She mighta turned out a bit different if i didn't straighten her out hehe but as i said hopefully your girlfriend might grow out of that in the future.

-Ben

[treegirl]

I never drank much to start with when we got together.

 

And coz of my stomach I don't drink much at all anymore.... and I don't need much at all do I?

 

Love TreeGirl

xoxo