about my Best Friend's Boyfriend

[LeenaJ945]

My best friend and I have been close for years. We're both in our mid-30s and met in college. We also live together as roommates, and we have for about 4 years. Other than the typical 'roommate' squabbles, we have always gotten along well.

 

About a year ago, she began dating a man - her first relationship in about 10 years. He has had many issues since the beginning of the relationship: was living with his ex when they met (a woman he'd been with for 8 years & hadn't properly broken-up with at the time), wound up cheating with his ex on my friend early on, but hasn't since, stayed living with the ex for the first 7 months of his relationship with my friend, no car, no money, very needy, ignores her for days at a time now and then, etc. All of these things, quite honestly, are things I don't feel that strongly about, but the BIG issue is that he is an alcoholic. And when he drinks, he is obnoxious and mean - not to me, but to her.

 

It has been a struggle for me to "like" this guy because of how he's treated her, particularly when he's drinking. When I first met him, I knew all the 'red flags' in his life, and warned my friend when she asked my opinion - but she insisted on pursuing him anyway, so I tried to like him. And at first, I did - he was nice enough, so what's not to like?

 

Then he cheated on her a month into their relationship. She was upset and hurt, and I got angry at him. She forgave him a week later, because she missed him, but I stayed mad, and felt she was making a mistake to forgive. We argued about it, and she begged me to give him another chance. I reluctantly agreed, and tried to give him the benefit of a doubt. Cause everyone makes mistakes, and if it's important to my friend that I like him, I'll certainly give a second chance.

 

Over the next few months, there were times she was very happy - but also times she was very sad. He'd borrow her car, then return it hours late, ignoring her calls. He'd drive it while drinking. He'd drink while driving - beer in one hand, steering wheel in the other. He'd accuse her of things she didn't do. He'd get mad, and ditch her car in a random parking lot, and I'd have to take her to go get it after he told her where he'd left it. He never had any money, and she wound up having to pay for most dates, including paying for his 12-year-old son who often went along. She spend hundreds on his birthday and Father's Day, whilst he didn't do anything for her birthday, nor Valentines Day. When drunk at our house, he'd make passes at me or argue with her, all of which he'd claim not to remember the next day. All of these things bothered me, especially when I saw how upset it made her, and how much she was doing for him.... but she always got over her hurt or anger and forgave him, so despite it bothering me, I was nice to him and made an effort to welcome him in our home.

 

Then 10 months into the relatoinship, he got drunk and ditched my friend in an empty parking lot at 10:00pm at night 40 minutes from home. Took his son and ran off, leaving her stranded (he'd thrown the keys into the lake nearby). She called me crying, and I had to go get her. That, for me, was the last straw - I told her I don't know what she's going to do, but for me, I just don't like this guy. I've given chances, but his drinking controls everything, and I just can't be around him, cause it bothers me that he treats you this way. She told me she understood.

 

Then 4 days later she forgave him and over the next few weeks got angry with me that I didn't want him in our house anymore. By then, his ex had moved-out, so she was able to be in his home. However, me not liking him was still an issue for her. I never bad-mouthed him, out of respect for her - but I refused to spend time with him because I didn't like him. His drinking continued to cause problems, resulting in a break-up on their 1-yr anniversary. However, my friend is deeply in love, and went back to him. She said he promised to get help for his drinking - and for 2 weeks or so he didn't drink. But nowadays he's back to drinking during the week, getting drunk 1-2 times a week. When drunk, he's mean to her and his son - but as he isn't at our place, I don't have to see it, just hear about it from her.

 

NOW... here's where I need advice:

 

My friend and I have not gotten along lately, because she finds it very frustrating that he and I can't hang out together, due to my dislike of him. She says if she can accept that he's an alcoholic, and if she can get passed it when she's the one dating him, why can't I? After all, it's not like he's mean to me - he's mean to HER, and if she can forgive him, shouldn't I be able to tolerate it? I understand her point - but that doesn't change that it BOTHERS me to see this woman being treated this way. She loves him, so she'll readily always forgive (which bugs me, but I have no control over that)... However, I have MY OWN feelings, and since I'm not blinded by love, I am not as quick to let things go... especially when he continues to drink, and thus, will continue to behave poorly.

 

I told her I can forgive him if he changes his behavior. She got mad, and said I shouldn't put 'conditions' on him if she doesn't. If she can accept him, I should too. I told her I can't - if he continues drinking, I will never be able to like him, nor be open to being around him. She said I am being unreasonable, unforgiving, too rigid and too unfair.

 

Here's my question: Is my friend right?

I honestly feel like my feelings are justified, but I also am not so closed-minded that I wouldn't consider a "neutral" 3rd party weighing in with their opinion here.... So please! Weigh In!!!

 

Am I wrong not to like or spend time with my friend's boyfriend?

[TaraMaiden]

......

Am I wrong not to like or spend time with my friend's boyfriend?

 

No.

 

But the more you help and bail your buddy out when he leaves her in a fix, the more you enable his behaviour....

It's a sad fact, but she's going to have to clear her eyes for herself. And who knows how long that might take? maybe never.

 

If you refuse to have anything to do with him, then unfortunately, you have to do likewise with her.

 

By all means listen, provide a sympathetic ear, but when it comes to the "Please will you help me?!" line - your reply will have to be 'No. Not this time. This time you get yourself out of this hole.'

 

If she's stranded, call a cab for her.

If he's hit her, give her the number to a battered women's shelter.

Or call the police.

But in all cases, you need to distance yourself, and keep well away.

This is her schytt.

[xpaperxcutx]

First of all, I have to praise you for being a good friend to her. There's not a lot of people who put up with bad behaviour and given that you guys have been friends since college, it's commendable that you're still sticking with her.

 

The boyfriend issue is never going to go away, until your friend decides to wake up and smell the daisies. She is very aware that she's in a bad relationship but at the same time, she believes she cannot live without him. That's the victim in her talking. She is ultimately in an emotionally abusive relationship with an alcoholic. There is no room for reasoning with her unless you plan an intervention. Even then, you would have to literally drag her away from him and completely cut off contact between the two.

 

As a friend, you have a right to voice your opinions and if she cannot accept what you said, at least you did your best. Moreover, you are justified to your feelings about the guy and if you don't want to be in the same room as him, you are entitled to not have him over at your place. If she cannot accept that, then the friendship is over.

 

You have to draw a line between putting up with certain things, and you clearly seem like a person with a good head on her shoulders and as such, you do not have to tolerate behaviours or volunteer yourself into a situation where you feel both uncomfortable and resentful of the guy. Tell her as a friend you worry about her, but she cannot in any way, shape, and or form force you to be " friendly' with him. The case stands, if she brings him over again, and disrespect your space, then she needs to start packing up and find another place to live.

[TheZebra]

I'm sorry, but your friend is a very insecure tool. I wouldn't let any man treat me like that for more than 5 minutes, yes she puts up with the guy for this long? You've gotta be kidding me..

 

You're not wrong at all about how you feel. Hell, just reading that made me hate him and I don't even know him. I would even advise moving out and away from her, because of the amount of instability in that relationship, in him, and even in her.

[Imajerk17]

I'm trying hard not to write anything mean here, but your friend's judgement is astounding. Many good guys on here I'm sure are reading this story and are wondering what the hell is wrong with women.

 

--How did she and this guy meet?

 

--What drew her to him? What does she love about him?

 

--Your friend's previous dating history?

 

You might have to move out and get your own place, and distance yourself from your friend. She is going down and if you stay too close she will take you down with her.

[LeenaJ945]

--How did she and this guy meet?

 

--What drew her to him? What does she love about him?

 

--Your friend's previous dating history?

 

My friend met him online at a popular online dating website. She'd been on and off of online dating for a while, without much luck. The guys she had some interest in wound up being rather fickle. She was looking for a relationship, but there just weren't any men that she had a mutual connection with.

 

My friend states that she was drawn to him the moment they met in person. As for what she loves about him - all she's really said is that she loves the way she feels when she's with him. He makes her feel good - attractive, sexy, desired. He's not great at showing appreciation, per her - but she says in other ways he's quite attentive. He's a bit needy, so he's always wanting to talk to her, see her, be with her too. And my friend is a 'care-giver' type person - she genuinely enjoys helping people, so I think, in a way, he meets a need, as she enjoys being needed in his life.

 

My friend's previous dating history is sparse. Her last significant relationship was when she was in her late-teens. She has dated a few guys here and there, never for more than a month or so. Where we live, I will say, it can be hard to meet guys - most of our girlfriends our age are pretty, successful, but are single. I think most women want a relationship - likely most men too, especially once we're out of our 20's and view the 30s as the time to find someone to settle-in with. This is the first guy she's met in a long time, after being single and searching for years.

 

I want my friend in a happy, healthy relationship. I want that for all my wonderful single friends!!! But this guy from day one has been difficult, and despite her knowing all about his issues, she went after him. One thing I will say: he's honest. He tends to victimize himself a lot, but he never hid his issues. She knew all of this from the beginning, so... I at times question where she's at emotionally, choosing to pursue a relationship that seemed rather destined for trouble from the beginnining?

[turt]

If it was me, there would be no way I'd let him in the door if he ever acted like that!

 

She's desperate for a relationship but she's not getting one. This guy is just using her. Does she think he only cheated on her once? Guess what, he's doing it still. He's getting a free car, free food, free everything...

 

What happens when he wrecks her car?

 

What happens if he beats her?

 

 

Have you tried introducing her to other people.

[spiderowl]

I think you're in a really difficult position. It's clear how much you care about your friend and that's wonderful. I find it difficult to see what you could do for the best at the moment, except perhaps stop being an enabler for your friend to continue with this guy. I don't mean by this that you should force them apart, but maybe you should avoid being there for her when the situation she's in is directly a result of the way the guy is treating her. I should imagine that this would be difficult.

 

Your friend is in a co-dependent relationship. She's rescuing and forgiving the guy rather than standing up to him and drawing the line. She's probably in serious pain herself trying to cover up the worst of his behaviour and clear up after him when he gets himself into trouble. She is in looking after him mode and can't see that his difficulties will only get worse and worse as long as she is prepared to stand by him and protect him from the worst effects. She has such a strong need for him that in her mind it would be a disaster to acknowledge his problems are too serious for her to cope with.

 

I think all you can do is to look after her, not him. Tell her she matters to you and you'll be her friend, but you don't want anything to do with him or the consequences of his out of control behaviour. Help her to distinguish between something he's doing to himself and her and something a decent guy would not do, but without criticism if possible. Tall order, I know. Ask her if it's really helping him to pick him up from his messes and allow him to push all the boundaries like this. What is he learning that will stop him from behaving so irresponsibly? Does she realise he is an addict and that nothing will change until he decides to stop? Ask her what evidence she has that he will give up alcohol.

 

Another thing you could do is to ask her to make a list of the qualities and behaviours her ideal guy would have. Then, when she has done this, as her if her guy has these qualities. All you would be doing is raising consciousness. She is likely to be dismissive though. At the end of the day, only when she has reached rock bottom with him will she give up on him. Show that you love her (if not him) and that you'll be there for her when she leaves him. At least she will know, you will be there for her at that point if you can't before.

 

Other than that, please look after yourself. You've done nothing wrong. You care for your friend but are finding it impossible to tolerate her addictive and abusive partner. Trust your instincts as they are your best guide in this situation.

[FitChick]

She needs to attend Al-Anon meetings. It's for family members and loved ones of alcoholics. You can talk to her until you're blue in the face but if she hears the same thing from strangers who deal with alcoholics, she will wake up. If there is no chapter in her area, there seems to be an online group.

[Woggle]

She is addicted to him like a junkie is addicted to meth. There is not much you can do until she is ready to break that addiction but she should at least have the decency to not bring it around you. I would just not deal with her now because the more you push it the more she will want to stay with him.