From those Who Know and Have Been There

[Confused3232]

I floated away for awhile thinking the affair was over, but never really getting "it" back with my husband. He still couldn't get the "love back" blah, blah, blah. And then last week he pocket dials me while having lunch with her and I hear her calling him BABY...bastard. I am DONE! He is getting papers and I am moving on with my 6 month old twins. No one deserves the abuse he has given me.

 

So ladies, if your gut is telling you it is still going on??? It is because it is!

[Confused3232]

Jnel - did he end up with her?

[Confused3232]

I was home and she was IRATE with me. I didn't care, I carried it on. When the second time I got caught, I had to make that decision. Believe me, I don't care how tired you are, throw him out. He is having his cake still. I would love to tell you, he's not, but it's not the case.

 

YOU WERE DEAD ON! Thank you!

[SunshineToday]

Good Luck Confused. Stick to it this time. File. Tell him you are done. I hope like heck you have contacted the OWs husband. PLEASE DO THIS NOW IF YOU HAVE NOT.

 

I wonder if your H is going to be singing a different tune in a few weeks.

There is nothing more you can do to turn him around. Up to him now.

Take care of yourself and your kids. If he is every truly remorseful, he will come to you. Don't go to him.

 

Good luck!

[delighted_delilah]

What an utterly stupid, selfish bastard!!!!!!!

I am so sorry you are going through this right now; all I can say is {{{HUGS}}} and I hope you nail his d**k to the door.

[2sunny]

I wouldn't even give him the choice...

 

I would simply tell him that you can't live like this anymore, and that he should leave. If, at some point in the future, he decides that you and his family life are what's important, you will talk about it then, but until then, he needs to leave. Conntact a lawyer and find out what your rights and responsibilities are, and what his are as well.

 

Be nice about it, be polite, and tell him that if he loves her,then he should be with her. Informing her husband won't get your marriage back, but at least you'll know he has all the information he needs to make an informed decision for himself.

 

Don't beg, cry, plead or anything like that (save the tears for when he's not around). Find a babysitter ( or better yet, he should stay with your kids) and go out with friends to give yourself some time away from him where you can think of other things.

 

Best of luck to you, and even though it may not seem like it now, things can and usually do get better whether you stay together or not.

 

Yes, this is what I suggest.

 

Since he states that he loves her/not you - there's no reason to settle for being his second choice.

 

Ask people to help you with the twins. He may also get 50% time with them.

[Spark1111]

I floated away for awhile thinking the affair was over, but never really getting "it" back with my husband. He still couldn't get the "love back" blah, blah, blah. And then last week he pocket dials me while having lunch with her and I hear her calling him BABY...bastard. I am DONE! He is getting papers and I am moving on with my 6 month old twins. No one deserves the abuse he has given me.

 

So ladies, if your gut is telling you it is still going on??? It is because it is!

 

STAY STRONG. STay focused on you and those babies.

 

Throw him out. See the attorney and serve him. Call her husband. Wish them well. Refuse to discuss your relationship with him. get support from your family and friends.

[Confused3232]

I know I deserve better and better means getting the hell off this crazy train with him. If that's the way he wants to live - drama filled - so be it, but I am not joining. Funny when I made it clear I was filling for divorce not legal separation, it was the first "oh crap" moment I saw on his face this whole time.

 

When we went to our final MC appointment (previously scheduled) I told her that I was finished and asked her to coach us on having a healthy divorce.

 

My question is (some what selfishly) I really want him to realize at some point in his life the huge mistake he has made. I understand he may be too selfish to realize this, but did most of your WS have this awakening at some point?

[Confused3232]

Oh and yes, her husband knows and she knows he knows, but they aren't talking about it. Weird huh?

[Journee]

I am so sorry for your pain. My H cheated on me while I was pregnant also.

 

I remember when my best girlfriend was pregnant her bf cheated on her and gave her an STD. I was shocked and revolted. I mean what kind of a person cheats on their pregnant partner putting their child's health at risk? Right....

 

I can tell you I would never dream of giving H another chance if he was not deeply remorseful. I just could not handle that. You deserve to be loved by someone that will do exactly what most vows state and forsake all others. I can only tell you what I hope I would be strong enough to do.

 

I wish you the best.

[Confused3232]

Thanks Journee! I am trying to stay strong! The other day he asked me why I couldn't just let the affair die a natural death instead of the "no contact" thing. I mean, how disrespectful! Why is it when they are having the affair, they are so self centered? Or is that their true self? Thoughts? And are some cheaters never remorseful?

[ComingInHot]

Confused;

I don't want to simplify this too much gut the way I look at it is that when a child does something wrong and is told what they did was wrong then gets a hug and an icecream, chances are they won't learn anything from their wrong doing therefore will do it again.

 

Same thing here for adults, rarely will someone change a behavior if there are NO consequences impacting them enough to NOT want to continue.

 

Sadly, there are those w/their head so far up their butts that it doesn't matter the consequences. They just spin the "I'm a victim" act and continue doing what they want.

[Trinfire]

I'm sorry you're in this position Confused. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better or provide some kind of guidance but there's not.

 

I want you to recognize that you are a good person and that you deserve happiness. If the situation is making you unhappy, only you can change it. Or you can accept it as is and hope for the best.

[Confused3232]

Thanks everyone! I am working at it everyday. Just working on me for a change. I have always been one of the most confidant women I know and this whole thing broke me a bit. But I can slowly feel that characteristic coming back and damn it feels good.

 

He is still living in our house but is in the spare room, doing his own laundry and making his own meals. I have made it clear I want a divorce, but he has offered to put a down payment on a new home for me and the twins to give us a fresh start. I can't file due to the freezing of funds until I find a new home. He will live in my current home and take over the payments then after I move to my new house. I can't really turn down that offer, it is best for myself and the girls.

 

I guess I am doing a 180 in a way, but more for me than our relationship. It is really hard to "fail" at something, but I have come to realize that HE has "failed" not me.

 

He is still working with disgusting woman and I am guessing the affair is at least emotional. Frankly, she can have him, he will do the same thing to her and I doubt it will ever work out. The only thing I am SCARED TO DEATH on, is this awful woman ever being around my babies. I know he is awful too, but I can't escape that. How did you all cope what that fear?

 

You guys are really the best! Sometime you just need to get your concerns down on paper.