From those Who Know and Have Been There

[Confused3232]

Hi All,

I must have read hundreds of posts on this site and have seen all the great advice that others have offered, so I hope you can share the same with me. My husband (married for 3 years together for 5) had a EA and PA affair with a coworker for around 8 months. During the time I was pregnant with our twins and I knew something was off, but couldn't put my finger on it until I added monitoring software to his computer...then I saw the skyping/emails. The coworker is 10 years older, much less attractive than me and is married with two teenagers. She to this day has not told her husband. Their work does know, but is not a reason they could be fired. On D-day he said he wanted his family and would break it off...but they continued to talk, etc and I kept catching them. Then I asked him to leave for awhile and he stayed in a hotel for about 3 weeks, all the while speaking with her. I finally gave him an ultimatum to either break it off and come home or file for divorce. He came home, I believe since then it has been done, but he does work with her every day. He has told me he does not love me and loves her and is not sure he wants our marriage, but wants time to figure everything out and "get over her." It has been 3.5 months since D day. Here are some questions: What the hell would you do if you were me? Do you think his feelings for me would change with time and her completely out of the picture (he is working on getting a new job)? I have been a good wife and continue to do so. I give him his space, but he sleeps in another room (his choice) and isn't physical with me at all. I'm just so hurt everyday by this as I still love him (God knows why!). I just want the man I married back. Help!

 

Oh, I forgot to add that he is going to counseling with me as well. Thanks again!

[LoveTKO]

Hi All,

questions: What the hell would you do if you were me? Do you think his feelings for me would change with time and her completely out of the picture (he is working on getting a new job)? I have been a good wife and continue to do so. I give him his space, but he sleeps in another room (his choice) and isn't physical with me at all. I'm just so hurt everyday by this as I still love him (God knows why!). I just want the man I married back. Help!

 

Oh, I forgot to add that he is going to counseling with me as well. Thanks again!

 

 

I would ask him what he really wants. Actions speak louder than words, so if he says he wants his family but still maintains an open line of communication with his lover then you know the answer. You can't turn your feelings on and off; you want your husband back and he can't let go of this woman. It's a mess. Good luck.

[Spark1111]

Affairs are like a drug and as long as they are in daily contact, no, he will not turn toward you and your marriage.

 

He is putting all his emotional effort into her.

 

Did you tell anyone? Exposure to the light of day tends to wake the parties up and have them face some real consequences for their actions. Often, when it is no longer secret and forbidden, it isn't as addicting.

 

Right now, by living home with you but still seeing and contacting her, he has the best of both worlds, no?

 

I would have him leave. I would wish them well. I would tell others, especially her husband. That's oly fair that he be able to make an informed choice for the future.

 

Do not beg, nor plead. Conduct yourself with dignity. Read up on "the 180." Focus on you. Get busy, get out, create a new life that may or may not include him, because you really hae no control over what he may do in the future.

 

Sorry you are going through this.

[Cali408]

Ask him to leave and consult an attorney. Give him an ultimatum, her or you. Don't beg him back, be indifferent and focus on yourself and your babies. What type of a guy wouldn't want to be with his newborn babies? Give him an ultimatum. Her or you. My wife told me if I ever spoke to my partner again the marriage was over. I got my head out of my butt in a hurry.

 

Also, time to change jobs. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Confused3232]

Thanks so much for the quick answers! Kicking him out is easier said than done. I am a professional that also works full-time and we have 4 month old twins. It is nearly impossible to do all that alone. When he is home, he is very helpful with the twins, so that makes my life easier.

 

What he says is that he wants to stay home to figure things out between us and get over her. I don't see that happening to be honest...I am sure they talk at work. It has been a month. It is too soon to see results??

 

My heart and mind just tell me to lie low for around 3 months and see where we sit then and just make a decision one way or another. I just can't stand the idea of not knowing what my future holds and that I may still have a cheating husband.

 

Has anyone fell back in love with their wife? Or does he maybe still love me and can't see it because he sees her everyday? I also want to see if this job pans out and he goes to another company (which would also be another city from her). I think that would make a huge change.

 

Do you think he is "cake-eating" and "fence sitting" still? Which takes some coordination I may add Has anyone been here before and if so, what did you do?

 

Oh and he has agreed to start taking me on dates once a week and will be sleeping in our bed by Christmas. Also, he won't file for divorce and doesn't want me to either...which I don't get.

[frozensprouts]

I wouldn't even give him the choice...

 

I would simply tell him that you can't live like this anymore, and that he should leave. If, at some point in the future, he decides that you and his family life are what's important, you will talk about it then, but until then, he needs to leave. Conntact a lawyer and find out what your rights and responsibilities are, and what his are as well.

 

Be nice about it, be polite, and tell him that if he loves her,then he should be with her. Informing her husband won't get your marriage back, but at least you'll know he has all the information he needs to make an informed decision for himself.

 

Don't beg, cry, plead or anything like that (save the tears for when he's not around). Find a babysitter ( or better yet, he should stay with your kids) and go out with friends to give yourself some time away from him where you can think of other things.

 

Best of luck to you, and even though it may not seem like it now, things can and usually do get better whether you stay together or not.

[Confused3232]

Ask him to leave and consult an attorney. Give him an ultimatum, her or you. Don't beg him back, be indifferent and focus on yourself and your babies. What type of a guy wouldn't want to be with his newborn babies? Give him an ultimatum. Her or you. My wife told me if I ever spoke to my partner again the marriage was over. I got my head out of my butt in a hurry.

 

Also, time to change jobs. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

I did give him an ultimatum (her or his family) and he said he broke it off and came home. That's why he is back at home for the last month. Were you in love with your partner? I really think he thinks that.

[Confused3232]

I wouldn't even give him the choice...

 

I would simply tell him that you can't live like this anymore, and that he should leave. If, at some point in the future, he decides that you and his family life are what's important, you will talk about it then, but until then, he needs to leave. Conntact a lawyer and find out what your rights and responsibilities are, and what his are as well.

 

Be nice about it, be polite, and tell him that if he loves her,then he should be with her. Informing her husband won't get your marriage back, but at least you'll know he has all the information he needs to make an informed decision for himself.

 

Don't beg, cry, plead or anything like that (save the tears for when he's not around). Find a babysitter ( or better yet, he should stay with your kids) and go out with friends to give yourself some time away from him where you can think of other things.

 

Best of luck to you, and even though it may not seem like it now, things can and usually do get better whether you stay together or not.

 

Thanks so much! Trust me I have been so close to doing this, maybe I don't quite have the guts yet. I think if I ask him to leave again, we will both be done. Or do you think this is the only way he will figure out what his family means to him?

[Confused3232]

Affairs are like a drug and as long as they are in daily contact, no, he will not turn toward you and your marriage.

 

He is putting all his emotional effort into her.

 

Did you tell anyone? Exposure to the light of day tends to wake the parties up and have them face some real consequences for their actions. Often, when it is no longer secret and forbidden, it isn't as addicting.

 

Right now, by living home with you but still seeing and contacting her, he has the best of both worlds, no?

 

I would have him leave. I would wish them well. I would tell others, especially her husband. That's oly fair that he be able to make an informed choice for the future.

 

Do not beg, nor plead. Conduct yourself with dignity. Read up on "the 180." Focus on you. Get busy, get out, create a new life that may or may not include him, because you really hae no control over what he may do in the future.

 

Sorry you are going through this.

 

Thanks! I think you are right. He does have the best of both worlds right now. I do everything for him. But if he starts this new job in January, do I still need to kick him out? He really said he ended it, and for some reason this time feels a little different that the others. Is everyone trying to tell me that he won't respect me unless I put my big girls pants on and make him really pick?

[whichwayisup]

Their A is far from over.

 

You need to tell his wife, she has a right to know the truth.

[frozensprouts]

Thanks so much! Trust me I have been so close to doing this, maybe I don't quite have the guts yet. I think if I ask him to leave again, we will both be done. Or do you think this is the only way he will figure out what his family means to him?

 

 

I'ts really hard to say...

 

I was in your position with my own husband a few years ago, and I did the whole thing of trying everything I could to show hm that things could be good between us and we should stay married. One day, i realized that I was exhausted and just sick of the whole thing. No matter what I did, it wasn't enough, and he'd twist it around to suit his own agenda...

 

I called a lawyer, who was very sympathetic and who told me it would be an easy divorce, and that he would be happy to help, but he advised me to tell my husband that I had been talking to him and that I was giving him one more chance to decide what he wanted, and after that, i was done. I'm not sure why, but I think that really showed my husband that I wasn't going to be there anymore, and that I was serious...it somehow made it "real" to him....

He and his ex-other woman still worked together ( for various reasons, they had to), but that didn't make a difference. It was over.

 

That's what happened with us, but with your husband, things may be different...perhaps the best way of looking at it is that you need to worry about yourself and your children now....your husband can worry about himself

[JamesM]

Thanks! I think you are right. He does have the best of both worlds right now. I do everything for him. But if he starts this new job in January, do I still need to kick him out? He really said he ended it, and for some reason this time feels a little different that the others. Is everyone trying to tell me that he won't respect me unless I put my big girls pants on and make him really pick?

 

I think that if he starts the new job and does not contact her, then the two of you can rebuild your marriage with counseling. If he cannot leave this job and quit seeing her (and until he has one doesn't know) or he keeps in contact with her after he leaves, then you may not be able to reconcile or it will take much more.

 

He needs to be completely open and honest with you. he needs to tell you everything, and be available at all times. No phones or email accounts that you cannot access. And the two of you need to find out why he ended up in this affair and fix the problems whether it be all him or your marriage.

 

It can be fixed. I have seen it. But it must be fixed by both of you...and without her in the picture at all.

[Confused3232]

I'ts really hard to say...

 

I was in your position with my own husband a few years ago, and I did the whole thing of trying everything I could to show hm that things could be good between us and we should stay married. One day, i realized that I was exhausted and just sick of the whole thing. No matter what I did, it wasn't enough, and he'd twist it around to suit his own agenda...

 

I called a lawyer, who was very sympathetic and who told me it would be an easy divorce, and that he would be happy to help, but he advised me to tell my husband that I had been talking to him and that I was giving him one more chance to decide what he wanted, and after that, i was done. I'm not sure why, but I think that really showed my husband that I wasn't going to be there anymore, and that I was serious...it somehow made it "real" to him....

He and his ex-other woman still worked together ( for various reasons, they had to), but that didn't make a difference. It was over.

 

That's what happened with us, but with your husband, things may be different...perhaps the best way of looking at it is that you need to worry about yourself and your children now....your husband can worry about himself

 

I'm so sorry you went though this as well!! It really does suck! Did your husband tell you he was no longer in love with you? Or is that just common with cheating spouses to say that?

 

Also, how long did it take you to call the lawyer (between D-day and the call)? I just don't know if I am there yet, and I don't want to buckle. I have already spoken to a lawyer and know my rights, so all I would have to do is call and tell her to file the papers.

[Confused3232]

I think that if he starts the new job and does not contact her, then the two of you can rebuild your marriage with counseling. If he cannot leave this job and quit seeing her (and until he has one doesn't know) or he keeps in contact with her after he leaves, then you may not be able to reconcile or it will take much more.

 

He needs to be completely open and honest with you. he needs to tell you everything, and be available at all times. No phones or email accounts that you cannot access. And the two of you need to find out why he ended up in this affair and fix the problems whether it be all him or your marriage.

 

It can be fixed. I have seen it. But it must be fixed by both of you...and without her in the picture at all.

 

Yes, I think she needs to be totally out of the picture (i.e. new job) if we have a chance. He has ADHD - and tends to be a risk taker and loses focus easily....

 

He did change all his passwords on his accounts after he found out about the spywear I installed to learn about the affair. But he said I could look at his phone bill anytime. Frankly, there are soooo many ways these days to continue an affair - having that information won't help much and they see each other every day at work and I am not going to stalk the man. Either he is going to do it or not, I can't control that. He does tell me when they have an event that both need to be at, etc.

 

I just don't understand why he wouldn't want to be physical with me at some point? I mean, he is a man! And I am a very attractive woman in much better shape than he is. He doesn't even kiss me or hold my hand.

[Holyoak]

Yes, I think she needs to be totally out of the picture (i.e. new job)

 

I just don't understand why he wouldn't want to be physical with me at some point? I mean, he is a man! And I am a very attractive woman in much better shape than he is. He doesn't even kiss me or hold my hand.

 

IMO and experience, it's because she still is at the job, and he is still attached... Maybe it's "cheating" to him if he holds hands/kisses you? MY STBXWW would do straight sex with me, but nothing else, no hand-holding, no kissing, no hugs... It's very strange, but what they find intimate post A with the spouse vs AP is eye-opening. You have mentioned attractiveness; The OP could look like a Victoria Secret model, or a gargoyle; something draws him in, so the "I'm better looking/fitter" rationale is meaningless.

 

I wish you good luck, but until the OP is out of the picture completely, it will at a minimum humiliate you/instill a lack of safety, and IMO keep your H from fully detaching, and help you and him heal. Good luck!

[frozensprouts]

I'm so sorry you went though this as well!! It really does suck! Did your husband tell you he was no longer in love with you? Or is that just common with cheating spouses to say that?

 

Also, how long did it take you to call the lawyer (between D-day and the call)? I just don't know if I am there yet, and I don't want to buckle. I have already spoken to a lawyer and know my rights, so all I would have to do is call and tell her to file the papers.

 

 

he did the whole "i love you but i'm not in love with you" thing...

 

my husband actually left and stayed at his other woman's place for a few days, then waffled back on forth for a few weeks before i'd had enough...

 

does your husband know you sought legal advice and are ready to file?

[Cali408]

Yes, I was in love with the other woman. Thankfully she lived far away. D-Day occurred, got busted a second time, got bounced out of the house for a month. My wife handled it perfectly, I gave her space, she never begged, just told me to leave her alone. I complied.

 

What is really unfortunate is with the twins, this should be the best time of your life. When you look back at those baby pictures, you will feel sadness. Make sure you have ALL his passwords. And tell him to start looking for a new job now.

 

Trust me, he's not being perfectly good if he sees her all the time. You don't overcome this quickly. Here's fantasy, she tells him how great he is. Reality You're tired with the kids and job and he's not the number 1 priority. And she's just as bad.

 

Good luck. It was the biggest mistake of my life.

[Spark1111]

Thanks! I think you are right. He does have the best of both worlds right now. I do everything for him. But if he starts this new job in January, do I still need to kick him out? He really said he ended it, and for some reason this time feels a little different that the others. Is everyone trying to tell me that he won't respect me unless I put my big girls pants on and make him really pick?

 

STOP doing anything for him! He may be planning to divorce you. Don't try to make him love you.

 

Just be you. See an attorney. Tell him you are unsure. Have him PROVE to you he is no longer in contact with her. He should be showing you his phone everyday; he should be giving you all the passwords to all his accounts.

 

People with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

 

Yes, respect is huge. Do not denigrate the OW, just tell him exactly what you want and expect in a relationship, and until he can prove it is ove with her, than you intend to move on to find someone who loves and cherishes you.

 

Often, the WS comes home hoping to smooth it all over and then wants toresume the affair once the wife has calmed down.

 

Don't calm down. Draw your line in the sand and stick to it.

 

Have you confronted her? Called her? Her husband? Exposure is very key here.

[Furious]

[quote=Confused3232

 

I finally gave him an ultimatum to either break it off and come home or file for divorce.

 

He came home, I believe since then it has been done, but he does work with her every day.

 

He has told me he does not love me and loves her and is not sure he wants our marriage, but wants time to figure everything out and "get over her."

 

It has been 3.5 months since D day. Here are some questions: What the

 

hell would you do if you were me?

 

I have been a good wife and continue to do so. I give him his space, but he sleeps in another room (his choice) and isn't physical with me at all.

 

I'm just so hurt everyday by this as I still love him (God knows why!). I

just

want the man I married back. Help!

 

Oh, I forgot to add that he is going to counseling with me as well. Thanks again!

 

 

 

He's back home, but sleeps in another bedroom. He know's you are willing to forgive him, he knows he has you and unfortunately you've allowed him to keep you in limbo and he can sit on the fence and continue his affair.

 

You must gather all your courage and demand he is all in or all out. Until then he must leave and you will move ahead in preparing a separation agreement and then filing for divorce.

 

You should also inform the OW's husband with all the proof you have.

Do not tell your husband you will be contacting the OW's husband, do not give your husband the OW the opportunity to concoct a synchronized cover story.

 

You need to fight for yourself at this point and not the marriage, because what you have now is not a true and healthy marriage.

[BetrayedH]

You need to listen to Spark, Frozen, and Furious. Why? Becuase none of them took the approach of nicing their husbands back but took a hard line approach. By the way, all three of them have reconciled.

 

Personally, I think you insist your husband leave, do the 180, expose the affair to everyone, and file for divorce. Then you see if you have a truly remorseful husband that earns his way back into the marital home.

[StormySeas]

I agree with the above posters. Until you boot him out and make him think about losing you, time with his kids, etc. then he will continue to live in his current state, which isn't fair to you. I don't think that leaving him in your house will allow him the chance to figure out if he is or isn't in love with you. That's part of giving him space too.

 

I have a young son and a demanding job, which made booting my husband out so much more difficult. So I totally understand why that seems like such a tough option with your twins. Find a person or group of people that can help you out with the twins and try not to let that have anything to do with your decision right now. Of course life will be harder without your husband around to help. But there are ways to minimize that impact, and you will figure out how to make it all work.

 

You need space, he needs space, and if he realizes that he does in fact still love you, then you can start removing some of that space between you in counseling and slowly trying to re-build. But right now, I totally agree with everyone that it's crap that you've been dealing with this for 3.5 months now without any sort of resolution. He still has you, the other woman, and his kids in his life whenever he wants to. See what happens when you take you and his kids on a daily basis out of that equation.

[BetrayedH]

Once he has moved out, he can continue to provide 50% care and custody of the children or he can pay for child support. It's his obligation to figure out how to care for his children once his actions have resulted in being booted from his marital home. Set up child care and expect him to pay for it. Separate your finances. He needs to see that there are real life consequences to being a freaking jackhole.

[SidLyon]

Our d-day was just over 4 years ago, but after much hard work we are now reconciled. I didn't throw my H out and in fact asked him to stay a few more days until my exams were over. I just wanted you to know that it's not automatically a pre-condition to successful reconciliation that the BW throws the WH out. I felt that I didn't need to do anything in a hurry but I did let my fWH know that I wasn't prepared to stay in a marriage of 3 people.

 

My H also expressed love for the OW so he did need to "get over" that. He has always maintained that he never stopped loving me, although I have had some difficulty accepting that given his actions. Having said that, your d-day was a few months ago (I think?) so it's probably time for him to commit to you, including re-establishing the intimate side of married life.

 

Like you I felt I "needed" my H there in order to cope, which was perhaps one reason I didn't throw him out. I was studying a law degree and had my final exam in Contract law the day after d-day.

 

Our twins were young when my H's infidelity started, so you have my sympathy. I suspect only other parents of "multiples" really know how much of a strain it can place on marriages. The "attention" a pregnant/new mother of multiples receives from just about everyone can be overwhelming for both parents.

[Confused3232]

he did the whole "i love you but i'm not in love with you" thing...

 

my husband actually left and stayed at his other woman's place for a few days, then waffled back on forth for a few weeks before i'd had enough...

 

does your husband know you sought legal advice and are ready to file?

 

Yes he does. He has told me he doesn't want me to file. Frankly, I'm not sure why.

[Confused3232]

Our d-day was just over 4 years ago, but after much hard work we are now reconciled. I didn't throw my H out and in fact asked him to stay a few more days until my exams were over. I just wanted you to know that it's not automatically a pre-condition to successful reconciliation that the BW throws the WH out. I felt that I didn't need to do anything in a hurry but I did let my fWH know that I wasn't prepared to stay in a marriage of 3 people.

 

My H also expressed love for the OW so he did need to "get over" that. He has always maintained that he never stopped loving me, although I have had some difficulty accepting that given his actions. Having said that, your d-day was a few months ago (I think?) so it's probably time for him to commit to you, including re-establishing the intimate side of married life.

 

Like you I felt I "needed" my H there in order to cope, which was perhaps one reason I didn't throw him out. I was studying a law degree and had my final exam in Contract law the day after d-day.

 

Our twins were young when my H's infidelity started, so you have my sympathy. I suspect only other parents of "multiples" really know how much of a strain it can place on marriages. The "attention" a pregnant/new mother of multiples receives from just about everyone can be overwhelming for both parents.

 

Yes, as much as I agree that throwing him out would be the best way for him to "find his way home" one way or another, I really don't know if I have that luxury right now with two babies that don't sleep through the night and are teething. I did give him the boot for about 3 weeks, but was overly exhausted all the time and didn't give my job all that I could due to that (I can't afford to not succeed at work right now). Plus it is Christmas and his family is all flying in, so me kicking him out right now would be pretty rough for everyone.

 

Did your H cut things off right away on D day? Mine did not, so I think we are behind the eight ball on recovery. What did you do differently when he was living with you in the first few months after the affair? Did he want to work things out with you right away? Thanks so much for sharing your story and helping me with mine!