lovefiction Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 Hi... I am hoping to get some advice about my recent break up... I have posted about this same man over the course of our relationship and the advice was always very helpful in giving me perspective... So thank you in advance... My ex and I have been together for two years. The first six months were absolutely perfect but after that circumstances always seemed to interfere... When we are physically together we never fight and always have a wonderful time but between his custody battles and my being a single parent it seemed that there were always so many obstacles to overcome... We spent this past summer apart - he had his kids and took them on a family vacation and I had my son and was taking him to see family... The time apart seemed good and when we got home we both really wanted things to work... It seemed like things were getting better (simpler) and I was really optomistic... I guess I was too optomistic because even though we were both trying I could feel a shift in him... He would prefer to go out with friends in lieu of spending time at home with me and my son... I guess a part of me understands this... and he explained that he became a parent fairly young and never got to enjoy the freedoms that he has now... He is always wanting to take trips, weekend get-aways and impromptu dates... but I can't really do any of it because I am a single parent (full time) with noone to help watch my son... Over the last few months I had really realized that we were in different places in our lives... A few weekends ago, my son got sick and I had to cancel plans with him... He had just bought tickets to a play and he was kind of pissy but said he understood... Things were fine until the following Friday when he wanted to go to dinner and see a movie... It was one of his impromptu ideas and I said sure but I needed to find a sitter or bring my son... This immediately led him to realize that he should not have suggested it and took the idea back... I did not argue and left him alone pretty much for the rest of the week... I was bothered by his change of heart because it made me feel like I had to choose between my responsiblity as a parent and my wish to be with him... He did not call during the week either... I finally called the following Saturday to talk and was leaning toward the realization that we needed to end things before we resented each other... I guess I realized that he needs more than I can give him at this time... He agreed that we needed to talk and shared that during the week he had met up with someone (a runner friend) and discovered a mutal interest (he did not say attraction) that he wanted to explore. I told him I was happy for him (which he responded that he really didn't know what would happen) but I feel terribly sad about it... I sincerely do want him to be happy but I guess I never imagined that he would find someone else... Despite all the obstacles we have always had a very strong connection and I just can't believe that our relationship is so replacable... It just really hurts... I truly believed he was the one I'd spend my life with (and I have never felt that way before - I am 34) so it is devestating... The way he explained it was that he and she both have the "availability" and it hurt to think that after all this time I have simply become too inconvenient to him...On the other hand when I think about it from his perspective, I do understand how frustrating it would be... I guess I just want to know if I did something wrong? Is it possible to make my life less messy and inconvenient or is single parenting/dating not a good mix? Is he being selfish or am I? Any thoughts to help me gain some perspective would really be nice... Thank you...
Gottabestrong Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 I don't think you made any mistakes, or that either of you is being selfish. He wants to go out and do fun things together, but you can't because you have a small child that you need to care for. Unfortunately it seems that you are just in different places in life right now and can't give each other what you need. I am just wondering how you made it last for two years, since I assume you were always a single parent and your child even younger at the beginning of your relationship. Did you have help back then or did you and your boyfriend spend more time with your son? Either way, it does not sound that there is anything you can do right now. If he would rather be with someone else because she has time to do things with him, instead of you who he has known and loved for two years, than it is probably better to bow out and walk away. I am very sorry, I can only imagine how sad and frustrated you must feel. 1
Author lovefiction Posted December 15, 2012 Author Posted December 15, 2012 Thank you Gottabestrong... I know that it is really for the best... I have begun to realize that if we keep trying that all the great memories we do have would be buried beneath resentment and hurt... I do not want that. When we first met I told him I saw a single mother and he was very understanding and flexible... And yes, he would spend more time with me and my son.. But when his children moved with their mother, I noticed that he kind of shut that side of him off... This summer he spent the whole summer with them and it seemed to soften him... At one point he even suggested that perhaps my son and I could move into his place... But after awhile without them, it seems he shuts off and focuses all his attention on running and being active (always doing something)... I would have loved him to spend more time just hanging out with me and my son but he wanted to go out on "date nights"... I also do enjoy going out, seeing plays, going to concerts and traveling... I actually can't wait for my son to get older so I can enjoy more of these "adult" activities but I simply can't do it right now... The other change in our situation was that my mother (who would often watch my son when he and I would have a date) has had to leave the island (we live in Hawaii) to take care of her family member in California... This has been for over one year now and it has made it very difficult for he and I to have the quality time together... I guess I have to keep remembering that he did love me but that it just is too much to sacrifice and too long to wait... I keep wondering how other single parents make it work...
Author lovefiction Posted December 15, 2012 Author Posted December 15, 2012 I have another question about this... A while ago he had asked me to have a photography session (boudoir)... He said he would love to have a book of photographs of me... We had an amazing weekend get-away to have the session completed and the book was just completed, the same weekend we broke up... When we broke up I mentioned that I still wanted him to have it and he said of course he still wanted it... When I look through the pictures it makes me think of how happy we are together... But knowing that he is exploring a new relationship with someone else makes me question whether to give it to him... Any advice?
Gottabestrong Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 I would not give it to him. Those are photos you give to your boyfriend, not an ex who is exploring a relationship with someone else. If those are pics of just you, save them and maybe give them to your next boyfriend as a birthday gift. If they are of the two of you together, put them away and don't look at them for years until you are over the breakup but will just feel happy seeing how amazing and sexy you look.
Author lovefiction Posted December 15, 2012 Author Posted December 15, 2012 Hmmm... Thank you... I think I knew the answer to this question... I thought about saving it for a new-found boyfriend but truthfully it would stir to many old memories to share with anyone else... I guess I wanted him to have it because I wish it would stir his memories... Everywhere I look I find memories of him and it hurts to think that he is going to be making new memories with someone else... And knowing that my situation was too inconvenient for him, makes me think there is noone who would want to be with me... It all just hurts right now... Gonna take my son skateboarding - and focus on something else...
Pinky777 Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 I'm sorry...being a single parent is tough. My ex-bf is a single dad and he didn't even have full custody. But he was very involved in his kids' lives, he had very little free time and in the end of our relationship, once all their activities started I barely saw him. I don't have kids so I could devote my whole heart and all of my free time to him -- which of course is not healthy for anyone. Even though we got along great, we are just in two different places in our lives as you and your ex are. I miss him to death but realistically he just couldn't devote himself to me the way I wanted him to. I wouldn't say your ex is being selfish in a mean way, but he's at a place right now where he feels like he needs to just have explore the world a bit and you can't be there with him as he would like. It also seems he's afraid to be alone since he's supposedly moved on so fast. Maybe this new woman is nothing more than a companion -- but he's no longer with you, so it doesn't matter. You have to be selfish as well - for you and your son. He comes first, before any boyfriend or anything else. Unfortunately being a single mom with full-time custody of a young kid is going to narrow down your dating pool but it's definitely not out of the question to find someone wonderful. There are plenty of guys who will love you and your kid and be happy to go at your pace and work with you. Maybe in a year or so your guy will realize there's nothing out there and will want to try again. But please don't wait for him. And don't give him the boudoir photos! I have mine from when I was married, and no way was he keeping those and no way am I giving them to anyone else. Like gottabestrong said, one day you will look back on that and realize how hot you looked at one of your happiest times in life. Best of luck to you! 1
Author lovefiction Posted December 15, 2012 Author Posted December 15, 2012 Thank you Pinky777, your perspective really helps... I am in tears reading it but it helps... I think I placed so much hope into this relationship and our future... Now I need to let go of that dream... .. A part of me wishes that we did fight and argue because then it would make more sense to me as to why we won't work out... Even our break up was done with a mutual love and respect. We talked about trying to be friends because of how much fun we have just hanging out, but now I realize that would be too painful - I want to be his girlfriend and partner not his friend... So I have been NC with him since the break up but it is becoming really hard, especially as the holidays near... I am trying to convince myself to not give the boudoir photos to him... I will keep reading your post until it sticks...
Pinky777 Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 I totally underestand - my ex-bf and I ended on "friendly" terms. I actually spoke to him yesterday after 2 weeks of NC and had a nice conversation as if we were merely close acquaintances. Hearing his voice and what he's been up to made me miss him more than ever, though I loved talking to him. It's weird because there's so much unsaid. I would almost be easeir if I hated him, but I don't. I'm trying very hard to focus on me and build a life without him in it. Like you I put all of my hopes and dreams into this one relationship. I feel like that's part of what drove him away. I know eventually to really move on I have to go NC, or at least until it doesn't hurt anymore when we hang up. It's never, ever easy losing someone you love but you have your own life to live and wonderful new memories to make. Maybe this is a case of right person, wrong time. Again, that's not to say you should hold your breath waiting for him to come back. You can love someone very much but life gets in the way. All I can say that since the BU it has gotten easier. I don't want to love my life without my ex, but I know I need to be able to do that.
Author lovefiction Posted December 16, 2012 Author Posted December 16, 2012 I went for a nice run this evening and it really helped... It's funny because he actually was my motivation in running. I always liked it but never felt like I could do more than my normal 3 mile loop... Over the two years of being with him, I have discovered that I am actually pretty good at it and love how I feel afterward... I always feel so much stronger after I run. I totally get what you are saying about making new memories and not waiting for him... I have been really sad about the Christmas and New Years and being without him, especially because his kids will be here and I had been thinking about all the things we could do together... Now I keep thinking about him spending those days with my replacement. I have been calling a few friends and trying to make plans so that it is not so depressing... I can't wait for this month to be over...
Author lovefiction Posted December 16, 2012 Author Posted December 16, 2012 I am hating myself right now... I went to his house to drop off all his remaining things and the presents I had bought for his kids, as they are coming for christmas... I had bought the gifts a few weeks ago, when I thought we'd be spending it together... I texted him to let him know that I wanted to drop it off and told him he didn't need to be there... I didn't know what to expect but I really think I was hoping he'd be waiting there for me and that he'd have a change of heart... Stupid me... Stupid, stupid me... I hate when I am so optimistic and idealistic... I know we both need to move on and seeing each other makes that impossible... So in a way it was good that he wasn't there... He left the kitchen door open as usual and I didn't want the stuff to get wet so I figured I would just stick it inside by the door... It killed me... There were a pair of dainty, Ann Taylor sandals sitting there... They were not mine and oh my god... I thought I was gonna die... It took everything out of me... The house was a mess so I tried to convince myself that they couldn't be hers... His house would be spotless whenever I came over... He would clean for hours before he would let me in... He has lots of women friends so I just keep trying to tell myself that maybe his friend came over or left her shoes... But it doesn't matter... I keep thinking about him with her... I keep trying to focus on the fact that there is nothing left to do... The final tie between us has been cut... And now I can move on... But I think it wasn't until I saw the shoes that I realized how final this is... I just can't seem to let go... Help me please!!!!
LostOne1 Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 I am hating myself right now... I went to his house to drop off all his remaining things and the presents I had bought for his kids, as they are coming for christmas... I had bought the gifts a few weeks ago, when I thought we'd be spending it together... I texted him to let him know that I wanted to drop it off and told him he didn't need to be there... I didn't know what to expect but I really think I was hoping he'd be waiting there for me and that he'd have a change of heart... Stupid me... Stupid, stupid me... I hate when I am so optimistic and idealistic... I know we both need to move on and seeing each other makes that impossible... So in a way it was good that he wasn't there... He left the kitchen door open as usual and I didn't want the stuff to get wet so I figured I would just stick it inside by the door... It killed me... There were a pair of dainty, Ann Taylor sandals sitting there... They were not mine and oh my god... I thought I was gonna die... It took everything out of me... The house was a mess so I tried to convince myself that they couldn't be hers... His house would be spotless whenever I came over... He would clean for hours before he would let me in... He has lots of women friends so I just keep trying to tell myself that maybe his friend came over or left her shoes... But it doesn't matter... I keep thinking about him with her... I keep trying to focus on the fact that there is nothing left to do... The final tie between us has been cut... And now I can move on... But I think it wasn't until I saw the shoes that I realized how final this is... I just can't seem to let go... Help me please!!!! it's probably the fact that you think or know he replaced you. Which is why after sending the gifts you need to stop contacting him now. I personally found contact makes it worse. You either have hopes or you talk, but it hurts a lot. At this point you need to accept it's over. If she wanted something he would contact you and tell you. Best to move on now and know it wasn't meant to be.
Author lovefiction Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 Thank you LostOne1... I know everyone is right... I am trying to let him go. I know I need to focus on myself but I feel obsessive right now.. I spent the afternoon on FB trying to figure out who he might be dating... It was terribly unhealthy and a waste of time because I know it does not matter...I have not called him and am contemplating blocking any/all mutual friends we have so that I can't keep obssessing... I feel like I need to find new/more distractions to help me feel better... This forum helps...
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