Shame

[TwistingKnife]

My mom sucked at marriage and messed me up emotionally. I stayed away from girls until 26 and then fell in love with one and we moved fast until marriage was on the table and then I stalled. She got sick of waiting, cheated on me, and then when I couldn't get over the cheating she left me.

 

I fell into a deep, dark depression and cried for a year. I went a full 3 years without dating. I'd made up my mind that relationships couldn't work and then, just like that, met the girl of my dreams. She told me she loved me after 2 months but I was scared to open up and told her I wanted to take things slow. 1.5 years later she got sick of waiting on me to love her and she left me for a guy who told her, "I'll love you everyday like it's the last day of our lives." And he's kept his word. He's made her very happy.

 

The thing is, though, I did love her. I'd just been guarded. In the end I told her I loved her and wanted to marry her and I took her to look at rings, but it was too late.

 

We went 2 months NC and then she called and said she was having second-thoughts. After another 2 months, the night before moving away to live with him, we held each other and exchanged I Love You's. Two weeks later she came back and slept in my bed like old times but fully-clothed. Then she disappeared a month and after our anniversary called me again. I told her this was the last time, it was me or him. She said she chose me and would end it. But the very next day... she found out she was pregnant... and she ended it with me.

 

This has destroyed me. She has a blog that was secret but she knows now that i can read it and she posts about her feelings for me and this guy. She rubs it in how he treats her better than I did but she also posts how she loves me. She posts that he makes her happy but she's still sad about me. She posts that she believes he's the right one for her but sometimes she wonders. It kills me. She's wishy-washy in her posts and goes back and forth like she can't make up her mind. I love her so much. I would do anything for her. I know I can make her happy if she just let me and I've been fighting for 10 months to prove it. I've been verging on suicidal the whole time. I spent 4 days once doing nothing but reading about it and it felt so good to know there was a way out of the pain. It was one of the only times I've smiled in 10 months. I run for 3 and 4 hours at a time without stopping just to be in physical pain and be without the emotional. I still can't seem to give up on her and she's pregnant with another man's child. It's sick. I have issues. I love her and feel so ashamed for having not told her sooner when I had the chance. That's all she wanted and now we're in this situation. It's killing me. I'm miserable. I found out after she left me that she gave me an STD so I can't date normally anymore anyway. It's made moving on impossible. But it would be impossible anyway. I'm in so much pain. I can't watch her start a family with this guy and be sick with heartache for years more. I'm so tired. I've been through so much with this and I'm especially sensitive to rejection from women I love for what I'm guessing are emotional issues. Most people get sad but I get completely dysfunctional. I become so morbid. Fighting for a woman who's moving forward with someone else and being intimate with them while telling me she loves me and she's uncertain, it's really ****ing me up. It's ruining every aspect of my life. I want to fight for her because she's everything I want and she treated me so wonderfully. But this is killing me.

Edited December 14, 2012 by TwistingKnife

[Mcnulty]

You told her you loved her and were willing to take it to the next level - marriage, but she moved onto another guy...is that your fault? No!

 

She played you both, toing and froing between you, then whoops, she's pregnant, so stays with the father..that is when you should have said, screw you, it's over, full stop..NC all the way.

 

You're looking at her blog, checking up on her, that is doing you no favours whatsoever, you need to completely cut her out of your life to atart healing man.

 

She cheated on you with him...she gave you an STD for gods sake...she's manipulative and selfish...and a cheater! You say she treat you wonderfully...she did not mate!

 

Psychodynamic counselling may help you..looking back to your childhood and unearthing the issues that you say are still affecting you now...there is always hope.