conehead Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 I've been with my bf for a year and we are very serious, with plans of getting engaged within the next year or so. I am a very traditional girl, while he is more liberal when it comes to 'shacking up'. Anyway, we are both Chinese American and we both currently live with our respective parents. Initially, he wanted me to move in to live with him and his parents after marriage. However, I'd much rather have our own house and convinced him to agree with me. For me, my ideal plan is for us to rent a place after we get married and live in the rented place until we find a house. However, my bf is against that as he is very against renting (he sees it as throwing away money) and he thinks it will be better to be able to come back from our honeymoon and start our new life in our new home. Thing is, my family and I are very traditional. I'd rather wait until we are married to live together. What options do I have? Would it be strange if I suggested we buy the house together (and he can start living there if he wants) while I wait until marriage before actually moving into the house?
FitChick Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 Let him buy the house, live there and keep it in his name until you are married. That way if the marriage doesn't happen, he won't lose a lot of money. 1
todreaminblue Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 Agree with fit chick ...if you trust him it should go well....your boyfriend makes sense..with not having dead money...best wishes on your nuptials...deb
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 and he thinks it will be better to be able to come back from our honeymoon and start our new life in our new home. I'm not seeing how that is different from what you want? You'll live together in your new home after returning from your honeymoon, and not before you're married? Thing is, my family and I are very traditional. I'd rather wait until we are married to live together.
Author conehead Posted December 14, 2012 Author Posted December 14, 2012 I'm not seeing how that is different from what you want? You'll live together in your new home after returning from your honeymoon, and not before you're married? To clarify, I want to wait untll after we are married before we live togehter. He wants us to get engaged, buy a house together and start living in iy before we get married.
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 I hope he will be willing to wait to live together, since it's important to you. Yes, he should just live there until you're married. But you should get engaged before any house buying occurs. 1
tman666 Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 I (happily) own a home with my fiancee. We've been together almost 5 years, and lived together for about 3 and a half of those years. Aside from the family values side of this, from a practical relationship standpoint, I would HIGHLY recommend that you do NOT purchase a home together if it is your first experience living together. If renting doesn't seem palatable, I second the advice that only one of you should buy the house. If you are both listed on the mortgage/insurance/title, etc., then things will get very sticky in the event that you break up. I know you said you love each other very much, and I believe you. That said, living together brings a whole new element to a relationship, and you'll learn things about yourself and the other person that you didn't know before.
movingon12 Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 Unless there is a straightforward way to add your name to the title later (which there may be, I'm not sure), I think you need to be careful about moving into a home with only his name on it. Will you be contributing to mortgage payments? If you are, your name should be on the title. But if you're not going to contribute you need to bear in mind that property ownership is one of the better ways of investing for the (long term) future, so if you're not contributing to this property, are you going to buy another home (and rent it out) as a form of investment? The logical thing would be to purchase it together and both of you share the mortgage repayments. But obviously make sure you have a legal document drawn up about how money will be split if the engagement doesn't go ahead and the property is sold. However if you're at a stage in your relationship where you would consider buying a property together - why the long delay in getting married? If you're not ready to marry each other - you're not ready to buy a home together. 1
tman666 Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 Unless there is a straightforward way to add your name to the title later (which there may be, I'm not sure), I think you need to be careful about moving into a home with only his name on it. Will you be contributing to mortgage payments? If you are, your name should be on the title. But if you're not going to contribute you need to bear in mind that property ownership is one of the better ways of investing for the (long term) future, so if you're not contributing to this property, are you going to buy another home (and rent it out) as a form of investment? The logical thing would be to purchase it together and both of you share the mortgage repayments. But obviously make sure you have a legal document drawn up about how money will be split if the engagement doesn't go ahead and the property is sold. However if you're at a stage in your relationship where you would consider buying a property together - why the long delay in getting married? If you're not ready to marry each other - you're not ready to buy a home together. Ohhhhhh good point. Definitely do not pay any share of the mortgage unless your name is on the title.
mammasita Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 I also believe that he should purchase in his name only before you are married. It is pretty straightforward (i.e. refinance) to add your name to the title/mortgage once you are married.
dasein Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 IMO, if your values are important to you, you should stick to them, and not live together until marriage. If he loves you, he should be fine with this. Would also reconsider living with his parents after marriage if they have a large, comfortable house. Doing that for only a couple of years could create a massive savings advantage which could be applied to a much nicer house. There are so many bargains in real estate out there, and this trend is increasing, that despite some initial inconvenience, it's something to consider for a young couple wanting to get off to a good financial start in a bad ecnonomy. Good luck whatever you decide.
Author conehead Posted December 15, 2012 Author Posted December 15, 2012 (edited) Well the thing is that houses in our area are really expensive. A decent house is around 400k to 500k. I'm not sure he can make a 100k down payment on his own and probably not a monthly mortgage payment on his own. He doesnt earn that much money. In fact, I make more money than him. I think in order for us to afford a house, I'd have to help out. But if we do this prior to marriage, how exactly does it work? Is that a bad idea? If we buy a house together, maybe around 3-9 months prior to marriage. But I will not live in that house (even if I'm helping out on payments) until we get married. Edited December 15, 2012 by conehead
movingon12 Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 The important thing is that you have a legal document that specifies what will happen if the house gets sold, and that you (both) have a right to insist that the house gets sold or that the other person pays you the value of your share of the house if you break up. I bought a flat with my first husband before we were married. We had a contract drawn up to say that as I was putting down all the deposit I would get back all the deposit, plus legal expenses, plus half of any profit we made when the house was sold. It's fairly straightforward. The fact that you're not living there isn't an issue - you just need to ensure that you're legally covered to get back all the money you put in, plus a share of any profit. But I'll ask again - if you're ready to buy a house with him, why aren't you ready to marry him yet?
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 You're getting way ahead of yourself, you're not even engaged yet. Let's see the ring first then start asking those house questions, or taking them a bit more seriously but think about it this way...if he asks you to marry him in six months or a year, things might have changed since then...not that you shouldn't have an agreement on this but the fact that you do not clearly shows that this may be a tough obstacle for you to overcome. I don't really want to be an @ss about it, but look, marital traditions oversimplify huge decisions in your life based off old ideals and old family structures that were more designed for survival of ones lineage/family and advancement or continuination of social status. Nowadays women aren't a liability anymore, they can go out on their own, become educated and don't really need to depend on a man. Men, they don't need to stick with that woman their whole lives and if she starts to piss you off, you can ultimately say take a hike along with the rest of the family without being crucified by an angry religious mob. Ok fine fine, you wub your traditions and are insistent on continuing them and I may not be the most informed guy in various cultures on religions to say the least...but I do know a lot about relationships, and IMO living with someone is a huge step in a relationship, it's extremely telling and a formiddable foe for a relationship that is not strong. You will find out what it takes and how many more challenges present themselves, it's just on another level, sure some relationships adap and the challenges are taken in stride for the most part...but you'll eventually butt heads on some serious issues eventually, and you may not be so happy as you thought you were living in this expensive house, a married woman, wishing you'd have blown 6 months or a few years salary on rent instead of being stuck in this unhappy marriage...now only pressured further due to your traditions and family to likely stay together, because now you really done did it! you're married now. Speaking for myself, it would have been a grave mistake thinking I could be with someone long-term without the experience of living with someone, that would have just been a disaster in the making...you need relationship experience IMO to survive that...now that I've had experience with with several partners in relationships. I now really know not to understimate the challenges and difficulties you will face, especially if you have a difficult time compromising with your partner...one person may be too disatisfied and feel forced, and that's a bad way to start a marriage IMO if you both have different desires and expectations of how this should work. But if you find yourself one day...married, with kids, and expensive house, stuck in a life you thought you wanted like so many others but almost pulling your eyes out of their sockets because the sweet life and prince charming didn't last...by that time it'll be too late to have made some wise decisions, by then you're stuck in it for a looooooooooooooooooooooooong time. And that tradition of yours isn't going to do much to make you feel any better in which I anticipate people telling you it's normal, it'll get better, just keep fighting through it...of course until you're emotionally numb and have accepted your fate without flinching anymore. Man I feel sorry for the naive, they have no idea what they are getting themselves into and are about to possibly sacrifice. Live with him before you get married....give yourself a way out, don't get into this huge investment where now you are obligated, it's far too risky. And those can't be the kind of decisions you are forcing yourself to stay for, rational decisions will not win out over emotions, eventually your emotions will win out if you are disatisfied...especially if you're just hoping for a miracle to come save things like most. 2
Author conehead Posted December 15, 2012 Author Posted December 15, 2012 But I'll ask again - if you're ready to buy a house with him, why aren't you ready to marry him yet? To clarify, I AM ready to marry him. It's mainly just logistics now. He's shopping for a ring now and planning it out. He said the proposal will come some time next year. I know many people live together and even have kids before marriage. However, I'm a first generation Chinese American....if we live together prior to marriage, my parents will not support it at all...and this will cause alot of unnecessary drama.
movingon12 Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 To clarify, I AM ready to marry him. It's mainly just logistics now. He's shopping for a ring now and planning it out. He said the proposal will come some time next year. I know many people live together and even have kids before marriage. However, I'm a first generation Chinese American....if we live together prior to marriage, my parents will not support it at all...and this will cause alot of unnecessary drama. You've been dating him for a year, but have never lived together. I think you need to be careful about making a big commitment at this stage. I'm not saying don't marry him - just think about it carefully. There is a BIG difference between dating someone and being married to them.
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