JoeBob Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 Very long... I started dating this girl about 6 months ago. I never really dated much. And this is probably the most serious relationship I ever had. But anyways, before she started dating me, she was in a serious relationship for over 2 years. He ended up cheating on her. She has been in long relationships in the past also. She is 19, and I am 21. This is the problem I have. I've asked her to sleep over multiple times. And she won't. Even if she is over my house until 2am and she is extremely tired. She will NOT sleep over. It really bugs me. She said she hates sleeping at other peoples houses. Well, about 2 weeks ago I found this bit of info out which upset me. When she graduated from highschool she moved out of her parents house and was renting a house. Her boyfriend at the time which she was dating for maybe a year at, moved in with her! They lived together until they broke up. She is now living back at her parents house.. Well, she came over after I heard about this. Again, she stayed late and I told her she can sleep over. Again, she said no. I lost it at this point and said. Well, if I was your Ex would you stay over? She got quiet, then really defensive and pissed off(Naturally) I told her that I knew she lived with her boyfriend and couldn't understand why she wouldn't sleep over with me. She walked out not saying anything. I sent her a text and she made excuses like living with him ruined her wanting to stay over or something like that.... What should I do. I have more to add about other stuff I am not too sure about either. But this is pretty long by itself. Thanks..
Cutiepie1976 Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 OP, you're young. At some point, hopefully very soon, you'll learn to respect others' wishes and boundaries instead of trying to browbeat them into doing what you want. You really need to stop that. It's inappropriate. She gets to decide whether she spends the night with you. If she doesn't want to, that's her prerogative. It's irrelevant what she did in the past. She also doesn't have to provide an explanation. Continue to push like this when someone doesn't want to do something and you will quickly push the person away and out of your life. It's a very poor approach. As to your jealousy, and your need for validation that you are just as good as the ex, which is really behind all of this--that can be toxic to a relationship. Let it go. 1
TheZebra Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 CutiePie hit the nail on the head. If you wanted to find out why she wouldn't stay with you but she did for her ex, you could've just asked politely and nicely and told her that you'd respect her wishes if she didn't want to discuss it. The issue could be internal... how do you know that something terrible didn't happen between them that caused this aversion in her? By lashing out at her you pretty much just guaranteed that she's not going to be opening up to you any time soon. Be an adult and approach things with maturity, not anger or jealousy.
Author JoeBob Posted December 14, 2012 Author Posted December 14, 2012 First things first. Are you having sex? Yes. She had sex with me a week after we started dating which I was a little disappointed in. We were at a party in which I got drunk at and she brought me back to my house(she was sober) I really had no intentions of having sex with her until a couple months in the relationship, but she basically was making the moves to have sex with me. And me being drunk didn't help in my choices.
Author JoeBob Posted December 14, 2012 Author Posted December 14, 2012 If you wanted to find out why she wouldn't stay with you but she did for her ex, you could've just asked politely and nicely and told her that you'd respect her wishes if she didn't want to discuss it. Well, I did ask her before why she didn't want to stay over with me. And she made up some excuse. She lies to me about her past all the time so I figured I wouldn't get a straight answer. And before someone asks why I talk about her past..She would ask me all the time about my past. Who I dated, who I slept with etc... As soon as I would ask her one thing she would say it's none of my business:confused: But, when I text her she did say that she hated living with her Ex. Or that's what she says. I'm not asking her to live with me so.....I don't know?
TheZebra Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 If she's really lying about her past all the time then I think you may have bigger problems than just her choice of where to spend the night.
Author JoeBob Posted December 14, 2012 Author Posted December 14, 2012 (edited) If she's really lying about her past all the time then I think you may have bigger problems than just her choice of where to spend the night. That's what I am worried about. Maybe she just doesn't want me to think "badly" of what she did in her past? She eventually has told me stuff. All though, it has changed from what I was previously told. I can add more stuff that is bothering me then just her not wanting to sleep over. Edited December 14, 2012 by JoeBob
Cutiepie1976 Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 Well if that's what she's thinking (and I have no idea if that might be true), then she's dead right, isn't she? You do think poorly of her because of her choices. OP, you really have to learn to let things go sometimes. Pushing someone and trying to coerce someone into sharing information or doing something doesn't work. It never does. You get stonewalling, lying, passive-aggressive behavior, resistance, resentment, anger, and withdrawal. She will move at her own pace, whether you like it or not. When she's comfortable, then she'll share or stay over, and not a second sooner. That's why her story changes. When she's comfortable she starts telling you the truth. Pushing her and judging her as you are doing, only increases her level of discomfort...and guess what? Then it takes her even longer to open up. Since you think so little of her for sleeping with you so soon (and hint, you were there too! I doubt it was rape, so you should have the same level of contempt for yourself), why are you even with her, let alone harassing her over this? Stop comparing yourself to her ex and walk away if you require that a girlfriend of yours must spend the night with you.
Author JoeBob Posted December 14, 2012 Author Posted December 14, 2012 I understand I was there too. And I told her I was not to happy in my decisions. And I understand what you are saying. I just don't understand why it's okay for her to keep prying about my past. But as soon as I mention something I'm the azzhole. She just doesn't seem to want to do anything with me. She had 100s of pictures of her with her Ex on her computer and phone(Which she told me she didn't have), and yet since we've been dating she took maybe a total of 4 pictures with me. Another thing which is bothering me, is that EVERY year she goes to visit her father. But this year, she "didn't" want to go? I asked if she went up with her mom last year. She said no, so I asked who she went with. The response I got was "someone" It was her Ex. I asked why she didn't want to go and she said she just didn't want to go. She said maybe next year. If she doesn't want me to meet her dad, what should I expect?
mammasita Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 Sorry to say, but I don't think that she's as into you as you'd like her to be. Emotionally unavailable perhaps because she's still hung up on her ex.
Author JoeBob Posted December 14, 2012 Author Posted December 14, 2012 She has told me that she doesn't like to be alone. I have a feeling she likes the idea of dating me, but that's it. She says I'm the best boyfriend shes ever had. But, I don't know what to think anymore.
sharsh Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 I can identify with what she said. I don't like to sleep at other peoples houses, a few of my friends are this way too. I HATE it. I can't sleep, at all, whatsoever. I wouldn't sleep over at my boyfriends house either, I stayed at a guys house I was dating, about a month ago, just to see if I was over it. Lol, I didn't sleep a frickin wink. As for her sleeping with her boyfriend, they LIVED together. What was she going to do? Go back to mommy's house to sleep?? I say you need to respect what she says, and quit bringing up the fact that she lived with her ex. She's with you now, get over it.
Author JoeBob Posted December 14, 2012 Author Posted December 14, 2012 As for her sleeping with her boyfriend, they LIVED together. What was she going to do? Go back to mommy's house to sleep? She was renting the house. She had a roommate also. She ALLOWED him to move in with her.
sharsh Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 She was renting the house. She had a roommate also. She ALLOWED him to move in with her. So what? They were together for two years. You've been with her for six months? She said she hated living with him, also. I lived with my ex for 2 years out of a 3 year relationship, and I even hated it. Now I want to live by myself for a while, and will NOT jump in to living with a SO again. Why are you so hung up on this? 1
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