DroughtAndDesire Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 I have philophobia when it comes to relationships. If you do not know what that is, is it the fear of love. It's the reason why I am asking this question and what has caused me to not be able to decide how I feel. For the longest time, I refused to show any weaker emotion. Even now, the thought of crying makes me cringe. As a child I was mentally unstable, with severe anger issues, and when my parents went through divorce when I was in 5th grade, I acquired depression and cut for a brief period. By 8th grade I was finally able to patch up my emotional problems, though I am still fairly distant towards people. What happens is that I act very nice and sweet and caring- but I am actually very emotionally detached from everything around me most of the time. It is a facade that just seems to naturally snap itself on. I don't act fake but how I do act seems so hollow to me at times. Looking back on it, I had a difficult past, though not as bad as others I suppose. It is something I do not wish to divulge any further. Anyways, this is all kind of complicated. All of this spiraled from a problem neither me nor the one I'm going to talk about had really intended. I'm not very old, I'm a high school student. Obviously, this isn't a question about "should I have sex with him" or something even close to that. Before you answer, I have to make it clear that I am going to be completely honest about my situation; however, I don't want you to talk about how horrible a person I am or what I should have done or any other 'should.' I also know that a lot of the things I have/had done to him are both horrible, hypocritical, and a million other horrible things, but all of this was caused from uncertainty. Sooo, let me try to explain this... I've never really had much of a romantic life. He was my first kiss. He was also my first real relationship. (let's just call him Adrian). We became friends fairly quickly at the beginning of sophomore school year. He asked me out after we'd known each other for a couple weeks/months (don't remember, sorry). Looking back on it, we both went along with the relationship with the thought that it would be a fling even though we didn't voice that. We'd date until we got bored and then break up. It was something both of us thought would happen. It was the original reason why I had said yes: I didn't really like him too much but we were going to break up so who cared? We both made the promise to be friends if we broke up as well. However, I was sort of embarrassed of him- though I had no reason. He acted gay. (He's bi but that's not the point.) Things about his personality and other things bothered me because I'm petty and shallow though I try not to be. I know those thoughts were terrible. I didn't think bad about him, and I'm not homophobic- I just didn't want people to mock me for going out with him. Please don't tell me that I shouldn't care about what other people think. I don't- when it comes to me. But I care about what people think of my friends/boyfriends/etc. It's because I can take responsibility for how odd I act, but I may not be okay with how a friend acts as I'm tied as being associated with them. Anyways, that's not the point. So I told him I would after being pressured into it by our friends (we hang out with the same group of friends)- but said I wanted a secret relationship. We went out for a week and I broke up with him. The problem should have ended right? No. After we broke up we stayed friends. I became really close to him and the same with him. After about a month, he told me that he still liked me, and I didn't know if what I was feeling was platonic or romantic. On top of that, I cared so much about how other people thought when it came to boyfriends that it influenced my opinion on whether I liked him or not. I thought of him as a great friend- but other people made me feel like I was better than him in regards to a relationship. I went out with him again but could never like him because I never felt comfortable because I always thought "this is embarrassing" and other things. There was nothing wrong with him- I had just created myself as above anyone else in aspect of relationships that it just ruined my logicality. He fell in love with me the second time. Now, I don't want you to be saying "you're in high school you don't know blah blah blah." If you are going to lecture me about my age then you have no business in giving me any advice. Anyone has the capacity to feel love in any aspect at any age. End of story. I felt guilty the entire time we dated. I felt like I didn't like him at all, just as a friend, and it killed me because I cared about him so much, but the second anyone mentioned any type of relationship, I shut down. The second time we dated lasted for about 2 weeks to a month (again, I'm not sure). What finally gave me the courage to end it was that I just couldn't handle the thought of spending Valentine's Day with him, and I began to have feelings for another guy- someone who made me laugh and who just got me. (don't forget him because he's important to the story.) It made me feel even worse. The month that followed was filled with bitter words and a frienemyship. He was hurt, and I was guilty. I began to be a horrible person to him because I wanted him to get over me. All it succeeded in doing was hurting him more and widening the gap in our friendship, however. The time I most regret was this though: One day during lunch, he got a text during lunch and just began bawling- his grandmother had just died. All of our friends began consoling him. I was the only person who just stood there, blank, doing nothing. NOTHING. The memory pains me even now. But the fact reminds that I wanted to do something. But I just COULDN'T. We weren't on good terms and even though I cared about him, if I began comforting him it would seem so fake because we'd been being horrible to each other as of late. I felt so helpless. I left, numb to everything. After another month or two, we began to patch up our friendship. But... it became one sided. It got so bad that I couldn't even be in the same room as him because I knew that he still had feelings for me. When summer started, I ignored all his texts because I wanted him to get over me before we restarted a friendship. Summer past. Now this is where the story actually starts. At this point we known each other for a year now (I don't know what to call him, he goes from friend to boyfriend to enemy too quickly). When Junior year started, he was different. To everyone he was completely normal and warm- but whenever he talked to me, he acted how we'd acted towards each other after the second breakup. I couldn't tell if he legitimately hated me or was just mad as me. It was hard to tell the difference about how he was acting because he was acting how I do on a normal occasion- indifferent. Now, for me, indifference is a normal occasion. But he... is like my exact opposite in emotional aspects. I guess it's what drew me to him. He doesn't have the fear to live and love and be. It's why I was able to care for him so much- he brought out that feeling in me. And at the fact that he wasn't acting in the way he usually did... well, let's just say it was driving me up the freaking wall. It also made me miss him. I missed how he cared about me and how we were able to talk and laugh. I wanted to be friends with him again. As a result, I swallowed my pride and stopped being indifferent back to him. (To be honest, I guess what got me to swallow my pride was the fact that I didn't like that he had a girlfriend- even though it was a fling. I hated how his attention wasn't on me.) After a couple weeks, he thawed out, and we tentatively began to reform our friendship. It was ruined by flirting. A couple weeks later, we ended up hanging out at school, just hanging out there, sitting and talking. Alone. He began laying on me because he was lazy, and I didn't care like would have. I felt comfortable around him unlike last year, if a little dizzy in the head from how close he was. As we talked, I don't remember what I'd said, but I guess I'd teased/insulted him, and he pinned me down and said he wouldn't let me up until I apologized. The position reminded me of our first kiss, and it just made me freak out (internally of course). I felt sick in the pit of my stomach, but I couldn't tell if it was from foreboding, dread, or something else... It caused me to lie and say that he was hurting me. He got up so fast, it was almost sweet. I'd seen the flash of panic in his eyes, and it made me feel funny to know that he was so freaked out about hurting me. That night he texted me and asked if we were flirting or if it was just him. I said yes- and he asked me if I still liked him. I began to text scream at him because I didn't know, and I'd been trying to figure that out since I came back from summer break. He said it was alright and to take as much time as I needed because he still liked me. But that was the problem. I didn't WANT him to wait for me- what if I realized I didn't like him? Then he'd have waited all that time for nothing. I told him that, and he respected that. Several days later, he began to text this guy that he had a HUGE crush on. I didn't feel jealous this time though, just sort of sad. I wouldn't have cared that much, but he stopped texting me. We still talked at school but you could see the puppydog look in his voice and his eyes, and it was so obvious that he had a giant crush on him. He was being a jerk, although none of it was on purpose. The feeling of sadness grew and I couldn't tell if I was upset because I actually liked him in a romantic way- or if it was because I just didn't like that his sights weren't on me. It made me feel petty and even worse. I didn't know the origin of the emotion, and it was cracking my sanity. It took me only two weeks to break down. The second before I fell asleep one night- in that period when the conscious and subconscious begins to blend together- I asked a question to myself in my sleep filled haze: "Do I love him?" .... And promptly fell asleep. I woke up the next morning... And severe panic set in. I began sobbing, and I couldn't stop. And the first person I texted was him. "How do you know when you've reached your limit to deal with something?" He didn't even text me back. He called me. Immediately. I almost didn't pick up, he'd know I was crying. But I did. He consoled me for a good two hours even thought I refused to tell him exactly why I was crying. I skirted around the question and made up half lies about things. --- Another week past. He got over Camden. I didn't tell him about the l*ve issue of course, and the feeling settled for the most part. We began to act all flirty again. It was about then that I saw the guy (let's call him Jay) that I liked last year. And it made me realize that I couldn't be friends with Adrian. Because if it came down to it, I think I would go out with Jay instead of Adrian. The fact remains that I don't know how I feel about Adrian. I've come to terms that I definitely love him. I'm not afraid of that. What I don't know and am afraid of is "do I love him as a friend or as a SO?" And that is the question I want answered. Another thing... I messaged him the same day I realized the thing about Jay saying that we couldn't be friends anymore because I just wanted to forget about him (in a way less blunt way). We still talk at school in front of our friends to keep up the image that we're friends (and I guess we still are in a way) but nothing other than that. And I miss him somewhat. So can you answer how you think I feel and what I should do? You can ask me any questions to make this clearer for you, I know it's kind of a mess...
FitChick Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 Can you summarize the above into one paragraph? You might get a response that way. No one needs all the extraneous details. Thank you.
todreaminblue Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 If you look up conditions or psych terms or phobias or whatever you will find you have slices of them all and turn yourself into a hypochondriac(more terminology)....i try not to read medical books.......i would end up a walking volume of neither here nor there...you arent comfortable showing emotion....so ummmm....how many people in the world does this fit without giving that group a name....you have insecurities...again how many people do......you are young and think you are confused about who to choose this is not unusual... when i was younger i didnt have that problem because i am not attracted to many peopel in my life its been on one hand, when i am attracted to someone every body else fades out....i dont attach emotionally too many people because i cant spread myself thin i am meant to be like thick toast not thin slice.....in saying that i spread myself thin...and burn out......i used to have a regulator i burnt the regulator out....that was my so........ the fact that you didnt comfort your significant other is a bit of a worry has nothign to do with a fear of love but does show a lack of compassion...you can build on that...simple compassion isnt love its necessity like food is to your body...keeps you grounded and out of your own selfish tendencies....that includes habits you fidn freaking annoying.....you should look at your own gives you balance its pretty simple what you have to do you have to make a decision between someone you are attracted too and the one you say you love which i question ...you are young........ I myself am in a sort of similar situation and i am 43 .......i have a guy who i adore and am attracted too highly challenges me and my fears who isnt attracted or interested in me ....or i have a guy who has shown interest who i think is sweet and nice with a few things that dont gel he doesnt follow my beliefs i think i woudl break him......i dotn want to break soemone.......the other guy the oen i am attracted too just seems to eb there when i just need hsi presence ill look aroudn an dhe is close.....it is confusing...... .i think i knwo what everyone would say go for the guy who actually does like you or has shown interest......but that isnt the guy i have fallen for...so i am not sure and undecided ....see we all go through it....indecision...because love is actually not a barrel of laughs its serious when hearts are involved...hence indecision it shouldnt be taken lightly....mistakes can be long lasting and a waste of time..... i am no out to hurt someone nor get hurt in the process.....i can be detached...its out of necessity..its not a condition its not a disorder its me logically handling what i can and cant handle its simple .......if i empath with everyone...i would kill myself...i prefer to be there for the ones i love....you have a decision to make loving two people or having this is what is detaching you because you cant deal with it....its worrying you about how soemone else feels......you need to make a decision and i wish you the best...stop reading medical books.........deb
clia Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 Why do you think you have philophobia? This sounds like normal high school stuff to me. In my opinion, you are not in love with Adrian. You are experiencing feelings of jealousy when he pulls away from you, which is leading you to believe that you want him. You don't. If he came to you and expressed his love, you would be right back to not giving a **** about him. Let him go find someone who will appreciate and love him and eave him alone. I don't even think you should be friends with him at the point, given your true feelings about him. 1
Divasu Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 For someone who is still a teenager, you are quite aware/in-touch with your feelings. So, kudos to you. I think most people are going to respond similiar to Clia (in other words, relationships, marriage, etc., you need not worry about this stuff now...). Personally, I have not heard of the term 'philophobia' until after I read your thread and looked it up. This, I agree with: If you look up conditions or psych terms or phobias or whatever you will find you have slices of them all and turn yourself into a hypochondriac Were you diagnosed by a medical professional as having this 'phobia'? The rest, is all too much, for someone still in high school. Not that I want to 'minimize' your feelings, but rather this should be a period in your life where you are focusing on your studies, having fun with your friends and deciding which outfit you are going to wear on Friday at school.
Recommended Posts