Am I Making Too Much Of This?

[Lavell]

Hello Everyone, Newbie Here...

 

I would like some advice about a unique problem I have with a new online, long distance relationship. I'm 48, single and live in America, She's 47, 4 months out of a 15 year relationship, and lives in Australia. We met on another popular relationship forum, I posted my story and she sent me a private message. To make a long story short, over the course of several weeks, we hit it off.

 

I wasn't looking for anything and neither was she, but we just seemed to click, we share everything in common and can finish each others sentences. We have spoken and seen each other on skype and we have developed deep feelings for each other. We both want to pursue a relationship with each other. She has even told her family about me and likewise.

 

I will be flying to visit her next month.

 

Here's the problem...

She joined the site about a month before me, and during that time she formed a lot of friendships with divorced men. She told me about guy #1 who lives near her and that they had planned to meet up with some friends and go for a ride in the country. She also gave this guy her phone number. She said she wanted to tell me this because she wanted me to know that I had nothing to worry about and that they were just friends. I didn't give it much thought because it was something that happened before we met.

 

Then she told me that if I decided to post responses on her threads, that I shouldn't be so obvious about our relationship, she said she didn't feel like trying to explain things to a bunch of her friends on the site. She said I needed to be especially careful about what I say around guy#2. She said this guy has been on the site for years and he is very protective of women who are trying to heal. She went on to tell me how wonderful he is and how he has helped her to heal. So I kept my distance and just posted to her threads with very generic responses. Then one day, guy#1 who she said she was just a friend, posted a comment on her thread telling her how he couldn't wait to meet up with her, he said they were going to ride off in the sunset together and he said he could hardly contain his lust for her! (and he writes this post right below a comment from protective guy#2.) WTH???

 

She told me that he was just kidding around and that she has no romantic feelings for him at all. She told me she only wants to be with me. She said she is very outgoing and likes to meet different people and when she reads stories about guys considering divorce or already divorced, she likes to reach out to them to help them heal. I told her she had to be careful about communicating back and forth with these guys because they might get the wrong idea. She told me she thought it was harmless because she has no desire to be with any of them except me, they just need a shoulder to cry on.

 

She said it's also good therapy for her and helps her heal.

 

Today when we were on skype, I realized she was talking to me and on the site at the same time. It was like she forgot I was there and she started laughing and typing a response to guy#3. She went on and on about how funny he is and how he makes her laugh when he talks about how his wife left him. I told her that I was going to stay away from the site because she seems so caught up in communicating with all these heartbroken men. I told her to email me when she's done helping these guys heal. She told me I was being silly and that it would make her sad if I started pulling away from her. She swears up and down that I am her guy and that I am the one she wants. She said these other guys mean nothing to her.

 

I don't feel threatened or jealous of any of these guys, it's just that she seems so preoccupied and spends so much time providing these guys with emotional support, it feels like I have to get in line, take a number and wait my turn. Maybe I am just being silly. It just seems like she is forming all these emotional connections to these divorced men and I'm ready to just walk away and give up. I'm not sure why it bothers me so much, but I can't see myself flying across the world to visit her, sitting on her couch and waiting for her to finish typing a response to some divorced dude to help him heal. It's like she's addicted to the site.

 

I could really use some feedback and advice on this. I am crazy about this girl, I feel like she could be the one, and she says she feels the same way about me. Am I making too much of this or should I save myself some heartbreak and walk away?

Edited December 14, 2012 by Lavell

[Million.to.1]

Hmmmmmm... she's only just out of a LTR and is probably lapping up all the attention she is receiving as a single woman. It's probably been awhile and this would help her heal, it's true.

Understandable, but not so great for you...

 

I can see why you wouldn't be comfortable with this, but it probably is pretty harmless. The fact that you guys haven't met in person yet also means that she is subconsciously keeping her options open.

 

It's a toughie... If i were you, i would pull back a little...keep your heart safe until you meet her in person, and avoid this divorce site she posts on completely. What she does there is not really important at this stage and will only drive you mad, so just leave it for now.

 

Best thing to do is take an emotional step back from her and wait till your holiday and allow good times and bonding to be had without paranoia and assumption ruining that time you really share, 1 on 1.

[Lavell]

Hmmmmmm... she's only just out of a LTR and is probably lapping up all the attention she is receiving as a single woman. It's probably been awhile and this would help her heal, it's true.

Understandable, but not so great for you...

 

I can see why you wouldn't be comfortable with this, but it probably is pretty harmless. The fact that you guys haven't met in person yet also means that she is subconsciously keeping her options open.

 

It's a toughie... If i were you, i would pull back a little...keep your heart safe until you meet her in person, and avoid this divorce site she posts on completely. What she does there is not really important at this stage and will only drive you mad, so just leave it for now.

 

Best thing to do is take an emotional step back from her and wait till your holiday and allow good times and bonding to be had without paranoia and assumption ruining that time you really share, 1 on 1.

 

Thanks for the quick response, I tried to go dark before and stay away from the site and when I did, she got really upset and said that it made her feel sad. She said my NC rule for the site was silly and dumb. She asked me "How are we supposed to make a connection if you stay away?"

 

I told her, sitting back and watching her go back and forth with these divorced guys was not exactly fun for me and I just prefer to stay away. She was practically in tears, she made me feel so bad that I went back on the site.

However, after the incident on skype today, I have decided that I'm definitely done with the site and will just communicate with her by regular email.

 

She just seems to get so hurt when it seems like I am pulling away from her.

 

BTW, great advice and that's exactly what I plan to do...thanks

Edited December 14, 2012 by Lavell

[Million.to.1]

Sweet... don't let her crocodile tears sway you back. Her behaviour is pretty immature. You are not under any obilgation to go to a stupid site for her to feel appreciated.

[Carenth]

If your relationship can not flourish without the need of this website, then you guys got bigger problems to worry about.

 

My partner and I no longer use the site we met on and I was honestly a bit worried about the transition because it was something we had in common and how we met. However it wasn't really an issue for us, for your lady friend it seems a bit harder...

[Lavell]

If your relationship can not flourish without the need of this website, then you guys got bigger problems to worry about.

 

My partner and I no longer use the site we met on and I was honestly a bit worried about the transition because it was something we had in common and how we met. However it wasn't really an issue for us, for your lady friend it seems a bit harder...

 

You hit the nail right on the head.

I was hoping that this would just be a phase since she's still pretty fresh out of a 15 year relationship, but I can see it's much deeper than that. The skype incident was a real wake up call for me.

 

I plan to tell her that once we meet, she's going to need to get off the site, if she can't do that, then that's a deal breaker for me.

 

My biggest clue that there was a problem, was at one point she told me that she felt like we were moving too fast and that she was afraid to meet someone new because she is till trying to heal.

 

I'm a pretty decent looking guy, stay in shape, never been in trouble with the law, us navy veteran, have my own home and my own business and despite the fact that I live way over here in America, she said wasn't sure about us and that she was afraid....

 

However....

 

Guy #1 who lives about 3 hours away from her, rides a motorcycle, covered with tattoos, admits online to getting high, cusses like a truck driver, and practically admits to wanting to have sex with her in an open forum...

 

she feels completely comfortable, giving him her phone number (which she has never given to me) and making plans to go on a road trip with him.

 

go figure.

Edited December 14, 2012 by Lavell

[Carenth]

I'm from Australia btw, I'm wondering what city or area she lives in after that description of that last guy you just gave haha.

 

For my partner and I, it just became apparent we didn't need the site anymore after a while. We both have friends from the site but they are mutual friends so it's a bit different from your situation.

[Lavell]

I'm from Australia btw, I'm wondering what city or area she lives in after that description of that last guy you just gave haha.

 

For my partner and I, it just became apparent we didn't need the site anymore after a while. We both have friends from the site but they are mutual friends so it's a bit different from your situation.

 

She lives around the Victoria area, not sure where her biker friend lives, but she said he's only about 3 hours away...

 

This is not my first rodeo and I'm a pretty good judge of character. She seems really sincere about us being together,

but I have a feeling it might be tough to get her off that site, I guess time will tell.

[Carenth]

Hehe I'm in Victoria my guesses would be Ballarat or Bendigo for her friend maybe Geelong depending on what area she lives in.

 

It may be quite hard to get her off it as I said with my partner we just outgrew the need for it and eventually drifted off. There was no fight or anything about it.

[Million.to.1]

How would the 2 of you be together anyway if things worked out? would you move for her? Give up your house, business and completely start over?

[Lavell]

Hehe I'm in Victoria my guesses would be Ballarat or Bendigo for her friend maybe Geelong depending on what area she lives in.

 

It may be quite hard to get her off it as I said with my partner we just outgrew the need for it and eventually drifted off. There was no fight or anything about it.

 

I think I heard her mention Geelong, but I can't be sure. If she's interested in meeting other guys I wish she would just tell me, I'm a big boy and I can handle it. I don't have problem with the ladies. She wants me to believe that I'm her one and only and that I shouldn't have a problem with her trying to help all these divorced men heal. It's clear to me that if we are going to have any kind of a future together she is going to have to choose.

 

I'm hoping that once we met she won't see the need for it anymore.

[Lavell]

How would the 2 of you be together anyway if things worked out? would you move for her? Give up your house, business and completely start over?

 

We are both willing to relocate for each other. She has a sister who met a guy online from America and she is moving here to live in Detroit with him. My girl just sold her business and has her house on the market, after it sells in Jan. of next year, she said she is willing to move anywhere for a fresh start. All of our children are adults so neither one of us has anything holding us back. I'm a freelance software developer and I work from home, so I can take my business anywhere. My home is bought and paid for and My 23 old son will move into it If I relocate.

Edited December 14, 2012 by Lavell

[TMichaels]

I'm a pretty decent looking guy, stay in shape, never been in trouble with the law, us navy veteran, have my own home and my own business and despite the fact that I live way over here in America, she said wasn't sure about us and that she was afraid...

 

...I will be flying to visit her next month...

 

...Guy #1 who lives about 3 hours away from her, rides a motorcycle, covered with tattoos, admits online to getting high, cusses like a truck driver, and practically admits to wanting to have sex with her in an open forum...

 

she feels completely comfortable, giving him her phone number (which she has never given to me) and making plans to go on a road trip with him.

 

go figure.

 

You took the words right out of my mouth.

 

You sound like you have your head on straight, but what in heck are you doing spending good money and traveling half-way around the world to see a woman that:

 

a) Has already told you she's not sure about being in a relationship with you...

b) Continues to chat and flirt with other men and doesn't want you to post anything online too revealing about the two of you that might upset her other men friends...

c) Can't manage to give you her undivided attention when you're speaking to her because she's too busy chatting to "her guys"...

d) Has the chutzpah to call *you* silly when you say you're not going to hang out on the site anymore where she chats and flirts with her other men friends in plain view...

e) Has the audacity to tell you she does all this because its "therapeutic for her" and if you don't play in her sandbox with the rest of "her boys" "how will we be able to make a connection?"

 

But the best of all...

 

You're going to visit this woman next month and YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE HER PHONE NUMBER???!!!

 

I don't care how hot to trot you are about Miss Australia, do you realize how ridiculous and fool-hardy this all sounds? Can't you find someone else near or far that at least would show you the courtesy of acknowledging your interest and the investment you're willing make?

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Carenth]

If worst comes to worse the weather is lovely over here at this time of year.

 

However TMichaels does raise some very good points. I only traveled half away around the world about as far as you are traveling (I went to Canada) and that was only when I was pretty dam certain things were going to work out. Of course I still had those little niggling doubts, however I wouldn't be doing that if my partner was acting like yours.

Edited December 14, 2012 by Carenth

[Lavell]

You took the words right out of my mouth.

 

You sound like you have your head on straight, but what in heck are you doing spending good money and traveling half-way around the world to see a woman that:

 

a) Has already told you she's not sure about being in a relationship with you...

b) Continues to chat and flirt with other men and doesn't want you to post anything online too revealing about the two of you that might upset her other men friends...

c) Can't manage to give you her undivided attention when you're speaking to her because she's too busy chatting to "her guys"...

d) Has the chutzpah to call *you* silly when you say you're not going to hang out on the site anymore where she chats and flirts with her other men friends in plain view...

e) Has the audacity to tell you she does all this because its "therapeutic for her" and if you don't play in her sandbox with the rest of "her boys" "how will we be able to make a connection?"

 

But the best of all...

 

You're going to visit this woman next month and YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE HER PHONE NUMBER???!!!

 

I don't care how hot to trot you are about Miss Australia, do you realize how ridiculous and fool-hardy this all sounds? Can't you find someone else near or far that at least would show you the courtesy of acknowledging your interest and the investment you're willing make?

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

Thanks my friend for such a blunt and honest review of my situation.

First let me assure you that you are correct, my head is on straight

and I am firing on all cylinders.

 

I picked up on all these red flags and instantly knew what was going on. I've been to the puppet show and I've seen the strings.

However let me clarify a few things...

 

Spending money to go to Australia is nothing to me, I was due a little vacation anyway and going to meet her is like killing two birds with one stone.

 

Yes, she did tell me that we were moving too fast and I backed off, however, a couple of days later, she started telling me how much she missed the way I use to talk about us having a future together and she wanted to hear more about it. So I picked up where I left off and she's been adding a few details of her own about how life will be once we are together.

 

I know why she was trying to hide our relationship, she's trying to keep her options open if things don't work out between us and I'm cool with that. I don't own her and I've never met her in person. I've already told her that I am not going to wait in line and compete for her attention and that I know other guys are trying to get into her pants. She said that she decided not to go on the road trip with guy#1, she said she felt like that would be disrespectful to me, she said he tried to call her and she didn't answer. She also told me that if I wanted to I could email him and tell him to get lost and she has not responded to anymore of his comments online.

 

She said the other guys are harmless and she has no romantic feelings at all for them and she has started cutting back on her responses to them as well. She's either the most skillful actress and liar in the world or she's telling me the truth. The point is, it doesn't really matter because I'm done with the site, watching her go back and forth with these guys was driving me crazy. I told her, I'm a great catch for a lot of women and I'm not going to waste my time monitoring her conversations on the forum, but the day we meet her forum healing days are over. She will have to choose. If she stays in contact with any of these guys when I'm in the picture, that's a deal breaker for me.

 

Yeah, the skype thing was pretty telling. I told her right then she could contact me when she finished playing with her friends. It seemed to shock her because she logged out of the site and closed her laptop. I think Million.To.1 nailed it, she's being immature and acting like she's in high school. If she gets on the site again when she's on skype with me, that's another deal breaker.

 

She can call me silly if she wants, I know I'm not being silly. She doesn't get to define me or my actions. I decide how I feel and I know that my actions are justified. I told her the only thing silly about all this was me sitting around waiting to talk to her, and I can assure you that won't happen again. I'm not going to play this game with her. She wasn't actually chatting with the guy, she was responding to a joke he told and she just wrote LOL.

 

I'm not really buying the healing therapeutic line either. If she wasn't afraid to get on a motor bike with a hells angel wanna be and give me her phone number, her healing should be almost complete. Her X still has stuff at her place and she does have to deal with him until the house is sold, so the forum could legitimately be a place for her to vent and it's only been 4 months, but like I said, I'm having a hard time with some of this so called therapy..

 

No I don't have her phone number, but then again I never asked for it. She has called me here at my home, but that was on a phone I know longer have and I didn't think to get her number off of it when I got rid of it and got me a new phone.

 

I'm sure it does look a little ridiculous and fool hardy to some, but I've gotta find out for sure when I go see her. Despite all the negatives I've listed about her, I feel we do have a chance at a future together, but I can't just give up without getting to meet her first, then I'll know for sure where this is headed.

 

Yes, there are plenty of woman that I could choose from, my facebook account is full of plenty that I've turned down, but after me and Ms. Australia have connected on so many things and introduced each other to our families, I have to at least give her the benefit of the doubt and prove to me once and for all, if I'm really her guy or not.

 

Just think of the movie Sleepless In Seattle, you think there's something there, but you'll never know until you make the trip to find out for yourself.

 

Again I appreciate your brutal honesty, it felt like a kick in the butt with a soft sole shoe. But you just gonna have to trust me on this one. I don't care what she's doing on that site or with who. She's got one shot to change when I go see her. If she continues with what she's doing, all bets are off.

 

When you get to be my age and you share so much in common with one person, you have to do everything you can to give the relationship a chance. If it doesn't work out, then oh well, guess I'll just have to start my apology tour for the ladies on facebook.

[Lavell]

If worst comes to worse the weather is lovely over here at this time of year.

 

However TMichaels does raise some very good points. I only traveled half away around the world about as far as you are traveling (I went to Canada) and that was only when I was pretty dam certain things were going to work out. Of course I still had those little niggling doubts, however I wouldn't be doing that if my partner was acting like yours.

 

I hear you Carenth, my trip is not planned until the end of Jan. so I'm not out

the door yet, and a lot can happen between now and then

[Lavell]

One thing I failed to mention about my trip to Australia is that my girl has also set up some meetings with some potential clients for me over there, so the trip could turn out to pay for itself

[Lavell]

Quick Update For Anybody Still Interested In My Story...

I talked with a couple of good friends that I have known for over 30 years...

I told them exactly what I put on this board. The first one looked at me and asked me "Are you stupid?" The second friend just shook her head in disbelief and told me "You can't be serious..." They are dear friends who I trust with my life and they have always told me the truth. Although it breaks my heart, I have to put a stop to this now before I make a bigger fool of myself than I already have. Oh well, you live and learn.

 

I've decided to cut my losses, life is too short, this isn't going to work out.

Time to start my apology tour on facebook and wait for someone a little more local.

 

Thanks for all the advice and the tips, I appreciate the feedback.

 

Take care