Gf/mother relationship problems...

[meekobeeko]

Hello there, I'm new here (well, technically not new, because I often read the threads and posts here, they are really helpful and thank you all for your effort and help ) and I have a problem with my GF.

Technically, we are not in a long distance relationship, actually we live a 40 minute drive from each other and when we see each other, things are great, we can't keep our hands of each other and for the first time, I really think that I really really like this girl, but here is where the problems start.

 

First of all, her situation is kinda fu...d up, she lost her father when she was little and she only lives with her mother. I lost my mother when I was little so that is one thing that drew me to her, we have a lot of things in common BUT... as a result, her mother is really really really REALLY overprotective. My father is protective also, but her mother is like psycho-overprotective, she even secretly installed a GPS ir some kind of tracking application/device to her phone(!) so that she can always know where she is, we know that because when she came to visit, her mother guessed my address, and she couldn't guessed that in a million years, so she must've known somehow. Anyways, I clearly understand why her mother is so overprotective, first of all, she is all that she has, she lost her husband so she channels all her love to her daughter, she also has no job (but don't worry they have money, they have real estate that they rent in a very wealthy tourist area) so she has lots and lots of free time to focus on HER.

She also doesn't have a boyfriend or any male in her life whatsoever, also understandable, but gives her more space to focus her life on her daughter, and not herself.

Anyways, her mother is really a piece of work, even though I understand where this is coming from, her mother does things the wrong way. She doesn't let her go out, she forbids her to go to my town, she does everything WRONG. She only draws her daughter away from her and, most importantly, me.

I have had 2 relationships till now and they both weren't even CLOSE to this one. With this girl I have communication, we share the same sense of humor, we listen to the same music, we have shared friends. I really think that I'm in love with her, but every time her mother forbids her to go to my town or even to her town, it breaks my heart. I really am patient and I am trying to be as patient as possible, but it just isn't freaking fair, my life was hard enough growing up with one parent, dealing with his overprotectiveness and now I have to deal with her mother who is a psychotic clinger. The worst of all, my GF can't tell her about me because I'm a metalhead (yeah) so I kinda love stuff that her mother definetely wouldn't approve off and only forbid her to see me.

 

Now comes the tricky part, her mother always finds a way to keep her by her side and we had compromised till now (we are 2 months in a relationship, even though we know each other for about 7-8 months now) but her mother now broke her leg and arm (don't even ask me how, as I said, she is a real piece of work) and now, she won't let my GF do anything and force her to take care of her for the next month or two, which leaves me and my girlfriend not see each other in that time. I really don't know how to react to this, my GF is too good to tell her mother anything because she raised her by herself and I understand that completely, I myself was and still am in that situation, but I don't know if I'm being selfish right now or rational or anything. I just don't know how to endure 2 months of not seeing her. The best thing would be for her to tell her mother about me and explain her mother the situation she is in, but me and her both think that that would only worsen the situation and she is crappy as it already is.

 

Do you guys have any advice? Should I break up with her or try to endure that month or two, even though after all of that, it won't change a thing because she will still control my GF's life and I will be left hanging and waiting constantly. I know that breaking up would be probably the best, but I'm not sure if I can do that, because she is literally the first love of my life.

 

P.S. She is 17 and I'm 20.

Edited December 14, 2012 by Hollowman2209

[meekobeeko]

Anyone? :(

[Carenth]

Probably not want you want to hear but I would say break up with her.

 

For the following reasons:

 

Age: you are both young, more than likely this will not amount to anything. Furthermore I'm not sure what country or state you are from but in most countries for example mine Australia. A 17 year old is still a minor you would be getting yourself in to some serious trouble being in a relationship with a minor here if it involved anything sexual, that is something to consider.

 

Her mother: Her age is the reason why her mother is so protective, for all intensive purposes she is still a child in her eyes and I tend to agree. This is not a battle you are going to win, especially if her mother doesn't approve of you. If you try and force her to chose between her mother and you, you are going to lose.

 

Because pretty much guaranteed you guys will break up at some point and who is going to be there? not you, her mother will be to pick up the pieces.

 

Not at all saying you are a bad guy, just it's the reality of the situation. I know first loves are very hard to get over, but you will get over it and you fall in love again, she is not the only girl you will have eyes for.

 

You will be ok, I know you can't choose who you love but the law does not care for it (depending where you live) even if it is legal where you live, parents become the law in most cases and forbid it. Try and find someone who is closer to your own age, parents mostly become less stage 5 clingers around your age.

 

I hope this helps.

Edited December 14, 2012 by Carenth

[meekobeeko]

Probably not want you want to hear but I would say break up with her.

 

For the following reasons:

 

Age: you are both young, more than likely this will not amount to anything. Furthermore I'm not sure what country or state you are from but in most countries for example mine Australia. A 17 year old is still a minor you would be getting yourself in to some serious trouble being in a relationship with a minor here if it involved anything sexual, that is something to consider.

 

Her mother: Her age is the reason why her mother is so protective, for all intensive purposes she is still a child in her eyes and I tend to agree. This is not a battle you are going to win, especially if her mother doesn't approve of you. If you try and force her to chose between her mother and you, you are going to lose.

 

Because pretty much guaranteed you guys will break up at some point and who is going to be there? not you, her mother will be to pick up the pieces.

 

Not at all saying you are a bad guy, just it's the reality of the situation. I know first loves are very hard to get over, but you will get over it and you fall in love again, she is not the only girl you will have eyes for.

 

You will be ok, I know you can't choose who you love but the law does not care for it (depending where you live) even if it is legal where you live, parents become the law in most cases and forbid it. Try and find someone who is closer to your own age, parents mostly become less stage 5 clingers around your age.

 

I hope this helps.

 

Thank you very much for your input!

 

As far as the law goes, it is legal in my country and our relationship hasn't gone to sex yet (she is still a virgin, and I respect that) and the deal is, I don't even have a problem with waiting with that, it's just the not-seeing each other that bothers me the most. She was already in a long-distance relationship that worked for a longer time (year and a half) but the guy was acting like a douche, he slept around and cheated on her for who knows how many times and called her "his girlfriend" only when he felt like it and now she is asking me how come I can't cope with not seeing her, indirectly comparing her previous LDR to ours.

The thing is I'm not a douche, I would never cheat on my girlfriend but it gets hard and lonely not seeing her, even though we communicate almost every day via skype/messenger/phone. It just isn't the same.

 

As far as her mother "picking up the pieces", the sad part is, she probably won't ever know I existed and she won't pick up the pieces at all because communication between her and my gf is in the gutters. She really can't rely on her mother at all, her mother is the type of person that buys love and doesn't talk to her or gives her advice, if it's not something she has "done wrong". She is literally making things up about my girlfriend just so she can tell her "That's what I thought, you are out of control". She even called her a whore (!) once without a reason or motive behind it. I don't think her mother is a bad person, it's just that she does everything wrong in her relationship with my gf.

 

Anyways, I told my girlfriend today that I don't think this will work in the long run and said to her that we have to talk in person next week and we will see where things will go from there. If we break up, that's something I have to deal with I guess.

[TMichaels]

...she even secretly installed a GPS ir some kind of tracking application/device to her phone(!) so that she can always know where she is, we know that because when she came to visit, her mother guessed my address, and she couldn't guessed that in a million years, so she must've known somehow.

 

...the sad part is, she probably won't ever know I existed...

 

Huh? One minute you're saying your g/f's mother know about you and the next minute you're lamenting if you break up, her mother won't even know you existed. Which is it?

 

 

...As far as the law goes, it is legal in my country and our relationship hasn't gone to sex yet (she is still a virgin, and I respect that) ...

 

If where she lives the age of majority is indeed 17 years-old or less, then she is an adult and legally her mother can't control her life or her actions, therefore, your g/f is equally at fault for letting her.

 

Of course, things aren't that cut-and-dried given her age, so while she legally is free to do what she wants, she probably isn't financially able (or interested) in supporting herself, so any other family psychological dependency issues aside, as long as she lives under her mother's roof, she (and you) have to live by her rules.

 

... it's just the not-seeing each other that bothers me the most. The thing is I'm not a douche, I would never cheat on my girlfriend but it gets hard and lonely not seeing her, even though we communicate almost every day via skype/messenger/phone. It just isn't the same.

 

... Anyways, I told my girlfriend today that I don't think this will work in the long run and said to her that we have to talk in person next week and we will see where things will go from there. If we break up, that's something I have to deal with I guess.

 

I think you need to come to the realization. like it or not, that until your g/f moves out and is on her own that's the way it's gonna be.

 

You can disagree with her mother's "parenting" methods all you like and call her every name in the book, but the fact remains, she's your g/f's mother, your g/f (for whatever reason) is living by her rules in and in her house, and you're by necessity or by choice, secondary to all that.

 

Bottom line? Despite the commonalities in your family history and the small age difference, you two are at two very different stages in life. The sooner you recognize that, the better.

 

Let her go. Get out, meet other people. Maybe one day down the line your two paths will cross again when she's older and in a position to truly have (and want) an adult relationship and the two of you can pick up the pieces.

 

But, don't hold out hope for that. It's very possible the hold her mother has on her and your g/f's apparent inability to shake her influence/control will be a life-long dynamic.

 

As the saying goes, there's plenty more fish and the sea.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[meekobeeko]

Thank you very much for your reply!

As for:

 

Huh? One minute you're saying your g/f's mother know about you and the next minute you're lamenting if you break up, her mother won't even know you existed. Which is it?

She was with me in my house, but her mother didn't know about it, she thought she went shopping. I know, f-ed up mother/daughter relationship, right?

I know that it's also my girlfriends fault for doing nothing about it, hence the break up talk I'm going to give her next week. For now, I'm on the down-low, after our talk/fight today, I really don't want to talk with her with all these emotions curdled up in me. I'll rather take a breather for a day or two and then we will see how things will go. I know I should break up with her but it's so freaking hard when you are in love with someone, breaking up with the past 2 girls was nothing compared to this...:(

[justwhoiam]

she even secretly installed a GPS ir some kind of tracking application/device to her phone(!) so that she can always know where she is, we know that because when she came to visit, her mother guessed my address, and she couldn't guessed that in a million years, so she must've known somehow

 

She was with me in my house, but her mother didn't know about it, she thought she went shopping.

 

I don't get to match the two sentences above.

 

Also, why should she come to you. Can't you go to her? Are you on a wheel chair or something? I guess she's studying at 17. So you can meet her in the afternoon or evening, she will surely find all the excuses she wants. You can go shopping together, movies, anything and her mother will be safe at home for a couple of hours. What's the problem?

 

What country are you in?

[meekobeeko]

Alright here is the deal, my GF told her mother that she will go shopping with her girlfriends to my city (40 minutes bus drive, my city is much larger than hers) if she told that she is going to see me, her mother wouldn't let her because I have long hair and dress as a typical metalhead (it's just something I enjoy for 6-7 years now, so it's not some kind of fashion statement for me, it's my life) BUT, as she is extremely conservative and religious, she would probably think of me as a freak and weirdo because of how I look.

So she had to lie to her to come to see me and when she called her on her cell, she demanded to talk to some of her friends, as her friends weren't there, she got all mad and yelled as all hell telling her "I KNOW WHERE YOU ARE YOU ARE IN ------- STREET" (which was my address, but as the area in which I live in is full of coffee shops and restaurants and such, she just told her that she went for a coffee). I hope this clears this story up, as I see you all got confused for a bit.

 

Also, why should she come to you. Can't you go to her? Are you on a wheel chair or something? I guess she's studying at 17. So you can meet her in the afternoon or evening, she will surely find all the excuses she wants. You can go shopping together, movies, anything and her mother will be safe at home for a couple of hours. What's the problem?

Actually, I go to her city as much as I can, mainly fridays because she is still in high school and she is in school everyday till about 18 or 19, which makes it impossible to see her. Her mom comes and picks her up right after school ends, or if she doesn't, she sends someone to pick her up. Then, her city doesn't have anything interesting actually, it's more of an village than a town so shopping, going to the movies and that kind of things are off limits there. That also wouldn't be a problem if we could have privacy somewhere in her town, when she visits me we can hang out in my apartment, but as she lives with her mom, we are stuck to one or two coffee bars that, btw., all our friends go to too, so there goes the privacy. But I'm okay even with that, but as her mom now broke her freakin' arm and leg (slipped on some ice for Gods sakes) we probably won't see each other till she gets on her feet, which could be months, because she won't let her go out because of that. I told her it's okay to take care of her mom for 2-3 weeks, I can deal with that, I'm not some egoistical bastard, but I know that her mom will milk this as long as she can. The worst part is, there is family around that could take care of her, but I guess when she can't control her daughters life, then she isn't allowed to go anywhere.

 

A pretty ****ty situation me and her are in and it breakes my heart that I'll probably have to break up with her because of her mother...

[TMichaels]

A pretty ****ty situation me and her are in and it breakes my heart that I'll probably have to break up with her because of her mother...

 

Her mother isn't the problem; her age and lack of independence is. What's more, you and your g/f will never gain her acceptance by sneaking around behind her back.

 

Hollowman, no matter how much you wish things were different, you need to come to terms with the reality of the situation and date women (not girls) who don't have such "limitations."

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Carenth]

Mate her mum ain't the problem and hating on her for caring about her daughter isn't going to do you any favors, as Micheal said. You need to date women not girls, she is still a child.

 

Find someone closer to your age who has spread there wings a bit from their parents. Parent's are very protective of their kids and especially girls around this age.

[justwhoiam]

I agree with what the guys said... but if he's in love with this girl, you can't ask him to go out with other girls. Let's be serious for a moment. I think that if you're really in love with this girl, you'd do anything for her. Like going to her high school, even if it's just for half an hour. It's enough to see her, talk to her in person, give her a kiss, a hug, etc. That is far better than the other option: not seeing her for months. Which would also make you a very lazy guy.

 

P.S. You were both naive answering the phone... She shouldn't have answered. She had to wait for like 5 minutes, then text her mother, saying she was in a very crowded place and didn't even hear the phone ringing. That she was OK and was going to call her when leaving the crowded place. You would have avoided much of the trouble. Now her mother knows she's going out with some guy, and what's more, she's wondering why you're *hiding*.

And by the way, it's not about the way you dress or the way you cut/comb your hair... that would make a mother shallow (though maybe she is, we don't know), it's more about the way you deal with people, life, etc.

[meekobeeko]

Yes, I am ready to do anything it takes, but she isn't. Let's be serious here, I won't do all the work if she isn't ready to sacrifice something too. I did most of the visiting and it wouldn't be a problem, if she would be willing to go a mile further and talk to her mother about me or our relationship. But it seems she isn't willing to do that so that leaves me/us with nothing.

 

As for the hair, she is really shallow, I am a good, talkative, intelligent (not bragging, it's just many people told me that) guy but her mother would think I'm a freak and nobody just because I dress a certain way, she IS that shallow. And that is what pisses me off. As time goes by, I start to think that maybe I tried too hard to make something happen that isn't just meant to be, mainly because of her and her mother. I told her that I'm willing to do everything it takes, but she won't let me to talk to her mother because "that would make things between them even worse".

And for the phone, I actually told her to do that, but she is panicky and so scared of her mother that she answered the phone and told lie after lie. I was perplexed how their relationship works the way it does, with all the lying and anger between them.

 

I went out tonight and I met her best friend in a bar, we talked for hours and when I told her everything, she told me that I was right and that my gf isn't trying hard enough. That kinda struck me as a lightning and I thought to myself "maybe she just doesn't care as much as I do". Feeling crappy now but I'll guess that's how it goes.

 

Thank you all for your input, you've been a great help!

[justwhoiam]

Let's be serious here, I won't do all the work if she isn't ready to sacrifice something too.

I don't need to read the rest of your post. This is not love and it shows. Move on as others previously said.

[meekobeeko]

I don't need to read the rest of your post. This is not love and it shows. Move on as others previously said.

Maybe I came on too strict but I'm a emotional rollercoaster now so cut me some slack, saying that you don't want/need to read the rest of my post is kinda rude.

 

I didn't say that I wouldn't do everything to make it work, but it's so frustrating when you are clearly more into someone than she is into you, I don't know how to act and I asked for all of your opinions and I got it, thank you all, but you don't have to rub it in.

I'm the type of guy that doesn't take tabs on what who does in a relationship, but the lack of action on her part hurts me the most, maybe it isn't love, who knows, I'm young, but it doesn't mean I don't care very much about her.

[justwhoiam]

How far you can go for her is a pretty clear indicator, and you don't need us to tell you, because I am sure you already know. Don't get mad at me for telling you the obvious.