thepoet Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 Hi! First time poster here. Long post ahead. Let’s start off with my past. I used to be a talentless, fat, ugly teen. Every girl I liked had turned me down. However, I think I made a 180 degree turn. I went to the gym a lot, worked on my singing, got into a good university and basically became a relatively confident dude. I have done several speeches for our city social work department. Some girls seem to notice me now; some have called me out on me being fit, good at singing and sometimes even good looking. Regardless, my girl troubles continue to this day. Let’s call her Ann. I met Ann when I was on my way back to my dorm after a great night of partying. We made small talk for a few minutes and she called me “charming”. A week after that, we got to know each other pretty well after a night of talking. We were complementary opposites; she was an artist and I was an engineer. But the strange part is that she is more emotionally practical and I am more “cheesy”. When it comes to love, she’s more of a guy than I am. I invited her out for two occasions: one to help me buy a bag for my mom and another just to go to an art gallery. Both “dates” made me happy and inspired. She seemed to have enjoyed my company, seeing as she didn’t seem like she wanted to leave at any point in time during our dates. On the first one, the mall literally closed down on us and that was the only reason we left. On the second, even though I know she was tired and asked her if she wanted to go home after our stroll in the art gallery, she stayed with me for the whole duration of 7 hours. We always had honesty between us and we always hold intense eye contact. I’d think we have a connection, like we could be vulnerable in front of each other despite our reputations for being the leader type. But I feel there are a lot of issues. Let me enumerate them. 1. I have one huge insecurity: I have zero relationship experience. This takes a toll on my romantic life. All modesty aside, I think I am a pretty decent guy who has his life together. But even as I saw myself just becoming the person I always wanted to be, I still haven’t found a girl who loves me as I love her. It’s as if no matter how great I become, no one would still be romantically attached with me. But in my current scenario, what makes is worse is that… 2. …Ann isn’t completely over her first love. She broke up with him three years ago (she was 15-16 then). The guy had to move away. He was the guy she lost her virginity with. She feels like there isn’t any closure between them and it makes her insecure about falling in love. This also fuels my insecurity from #1 because I know that no matter how much I achieve, it seems to be impossible to be better than her first. I feel like I can’t beat first loves (which makes me feel that I’d never be successful in love cause every girl’s had their firsts already). 3. She knows my flaws all too well. I spilt the beans on that one night of talking and on our first “date”. Reason being is that I was under so much pressure and I needed to vent. She knows how bad and insecure I used to be. I told her I was a virgin and that I’ve never had any romantic experiences. 4. I told her I only wanted her as a friend. TWICE. This was the only lie I have ever told her. Well, it is actually half true. This is because I feel so attached to her that I’d much rather just to be her friend over not having her in my life at all. I even told her to shoot me down if I ever fell for her. Of course, I had already fallen for her at that point in time 5. She explicitly told me that she didn’t want to get with people on my dorm floor. This is cause she hangs here a lot and doesn’t want to make things awkward. But her actions confuse me. On one hand, we barely touched each other on our dates. She (consciously or subconsciously) put her bag between us when we hung out at a couch. On the other hand, her eyes look at me with some kind of honesty and intensity. Her body is always facing me. She dresses up very nicely when she’s with me and seems to put her best foot forward. Furthermore, she didn’t look awkward when I went to touch her earrings (which I thought was a really intimate moment). I ain’t gonna lie, I am physically attracted to her. But what I feel seems deeper than that. Through her, I realized that maybe love doesn’t need anything in return. I’m willing to give her my affection though we’re not an item. I am not looking just for sex; I just want someone to be with. Someone I can hold and tell “I love you” to. Someone to cuddle with during cold nights, to protect when they’re feeling vulnerable and to make them feel like the special woman that they are when they’re feeling down. I have been blessed with so much. But what is happiness if it is not shared? I have a history of being friendzoned and subsequently ruining those friendships in the past. I have failed and been hurt a lot of times already. I am usually not afraid of failing again and again because such failures and pains have led me to grow to the man I am now. But somehow, Ann feels different. It’s like I need her in my life. So what is best to do with Ann? Should I keep her as a friend? Should I take a risk?
Oregon_Dude Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 I wouldn't worry about any of this, or her. Forget her. Live your life and don't worry about women, or your lack of experience with them. Do whatever you want, as long as it is what YOU want. What are your hobbies and interests?
Author thepoet Posted December 14, 2012 Author Posted December 14, 2012 Thing is, I'm living life to the fullest now. Studies have been good, getting stronger and stronger at the gym, my songs have gotten a lot of compliments and I'm planning to go on shows pretty soon, and my speaking engagements have all been pretty successful. I just want to share my happiness with someone else. Truthfully, I feel fulfilled and successful but lonely at the same time. Besides what I mentioned above, I enjoy anime/manga, philosophy and dreaming about falling in love then writing what I feel in poetry or song.
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