Billyjo Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Lately I've realized that I am guilty of "putting my ex on a pedestal" or idealizing her. Yes, she is a wonderful person, but I am seeing her as someone damn near godly. For example, I know she has a good paying job, but it's a boring ordinary job and yet I've spent the last month picturing her working at this amazing job, dressing fabulously (even though she doesn't) and spending her free time with the coolest people that ever existed (even though I know she really doesn't have many friends. While she is thinking of only the negative about me and our entire relationship to make it easier on herself, I am thinking of only the positive things about her and our relationship, thus making it way harder on myself. I mean I was miserable for the last year but all I can think of is how amazing she is. ...Why do we do this to ourselves? Is anyone else guilty of this? 1
Amelie1980 Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 Mine is a manchild who lives with parents, 36, no friends his own age, all much older. useless at sharing emotions. But now I've put him on a pedestal.....he's god. sighs
emilywtf Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 I don't put my husband on pedestal exactly, but I put our past on one for sure. I suppose I put some of his qualities on a pedestal if I am honest with myself. He is smart, funny, good in bed, all those things. Ugh. Not helping my state of mind tonight.
ItxWillxGetxBetter Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 I put my ex on a pedestal. To me she is the most amazing girl that I have ever met. At least that's what I thought. After some time and distance I'm starting to realize that she wasn't all that. She was extremely mean to me/borderline abusive. I felt like I was walking on egg shells around her. She would snap and go off on the most petty little things. She has anger issues and yet I put her on a pedestal. I guess through the years I got use to it and thought this was normal everyday life. Thank God the rose colored glasses are starting to come off. What the hell was I thinking? 1
Author Billyjo Posted December 14, 2012 Author Posted December 14, 2012 I put my ex on a pedestal. To me she is the most amazing girl that I have ever met. At least that's what I thought. After some time and distance I'm starting to realize that she wasn't all that. She was extremely mean to me/borderline abusive. I felt like I was walking on egg shells around her. She would snap and go off on the most petty little things. She has anger issues and yet I put her on a pedestal. I guess through the years I got use to it and thought this was normal everyday life. Thank God the rose colored glasses are starting to come off. What the hell was I thinking? She was the dumper or you were?
ItxWillxGetxBetter Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 She was the dumper or you were? She dumped me for another guy.
Simon Phoenix Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 I think it's pretty normal. I know I idealized my ex as my perfect woman in the aftermath of the break, which made my post-breakup despondence worth. Eventually most people get past this though and have a more even-handed view of their ex.
nsteen87 Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 Why I put my ex on a pedestal: She is an absolute bombshell and I was extremely attracted to her How to take her off pedestal: Remind myself that she is insecure and manipulative. E.g. - when I take photos with my other friends who happen to be girls, it was always an issue? Remind myself that she is lazy, and was raised like a princess. She's 150k in the hole in student loans, doesnt seem too concerned about it and doesnt exactly have great job prospects. Conclusion: there are tons of other amazingly beautiful women in the world who don't suck like her! Bye bye pedestal! 3
headsashed Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 My ex was on the peddy during the relationship and for a while afterwards,ive no idea why i idalised her so much,im guessing its because ive not had many girlfriends in my life and she became my everything,i was so so wrong lol. When we broke up (she cheated) i believed she could get any man she wanted,well i suppose she can,just not in the way she will want,what i mean is i thought she was stunning,everything,and any man would love to be with her but in reality she is just a girl that goes with random men because its who she is now,theres nothing good about that is there. Once my feelings started to fade i realised she wasnt all that and there is better females out there,looks and personality wise and thats when i took her off the peddy. It feels so much better to not idealize her anymore and see her for who she really is. Its funny though because for the first 12 months of our relationship i couldnt go a minute without her being in my face,she constantly chased me and all that and i loved it,but once my feelings grabbed me by the short and curlies she had me,the tables turned and i began the chase,i idealized her.
Hopeful714 Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 Wow.... Im hoping that my ex puts "ME" on the peddy. I'm beautiful, smart, and fun. I was also honest, caring and very giving. I can go on and on. Too bad the louse cheated and lied to me all the time and I had to kick him to the curb! Hmmm....someone's self esteem is slooowly returning. Thanks for letting me toot my own horn. It's been a while!
Sugarkane Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 I think most people do this, it's also a more rougher time being the dumpee. You aren't prepared. You realize that they have a lot if faults- why did they throw away a good person? They should've been appreciative that they had us at all. They think we're 100% to blame, so where's their 50% of the responsibility for The breakup? 2
Allumere Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 I do because I felt for him like no one else. And our time together was...well precious. Perfect...negative and I dont care for how he handled the breakup but on a whole a good man and father.
mvc Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 my ex is doing a good job taking herself off the pedestal with the way she has acted 1
killlingspree Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 I think most people do this, it's also a more rougher time being the dumpee. You aren't prepared. You realize that they have a lot if faults- why did they throw away a good person? They should've been appreciative that they had us at all. They think we're 100% to blame, so where's their 50% of the responsibility for The breakup? It doesn't matter who's to blame. It takes two to tango and if one person doesn't want to tango well...
Author Billyjo Posted December 15, 2012 Author Posted December 15, 2012 I know my ex has a new friend and I keep obsessing over the thought of her dating this person. She may be, she may very well not be. But in my head they are madly in love, living together in OUR home we shared, and going to live happily ever after like a f*cking disney movie. Why do I do this? And how the hell do I start thinking more realistic thoughts?
nsteen87 Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 I know my ex has a new friend and I keep obsessing over the thought of her dating this person. She may be, she may very well not be. But in my head they are madly in love, living together in OUR home we shared, and going to live happily ever after like a f*cking disney movie. Why do I do this? And how the hell do I start thinking more realistic thoughts? Remember the person she was, not who you think she is now. This will help you rationalize your thoughts and stop idealizing her. Then with time, you will be able to thank her for the favor she has done you. Whenever my EX pops into my head or I start to put her on a pedestal, I have created what I call a "response" in my head. I remember how much of a "taker" she was and how little she "gave" or contributed to the relationship. A negative conditioned response like this will do wonders for your psyche. Whenever like you, I start to think she is living "Happily ever after," I remember that she was a blood sucking leech and people like her are bound to be that way forever! Take sometime to think about yourself now...why can't you be living happily ever after? I know it's hard, but who cares what she is doing? It's all about YOU now!
Author Billyjo Posted December 15, 2012 Author Posted December 15, 2012 Remember the person she was, not who you think she is now. This will help you rationalize your thoughts and stop idealizing her. Then with time, you will be able to thank her for the favor she has done you. Whenever my EX pops into my head or I start to put her on a pedestal, I have created what I call a "response" in my head. I remember how much of a "taker" she was and how little she "gave" or contributed to the relationship. A negative conditioned response like this will do wonders for your psyche. Whenever like you, I start to think she is living "Happily ever after," I remember that she was a blood sucking leech and people like her are bound to be that way forever! Take sometime to think about yourself now...why can't you be living happily ever after? I know it's hard, but who cares what she is doing? It's all about YOU now! Yeah I hear you and I'm trying, the only thing that's hard is that she really was amazing to me. I mean yes our relationship was incredibly dysfunctional and I ended up pretty miserable but she always treated me amazingly. She did everything for me and I never appreciated it and treated her pretty crappy towards the end. So that's what makes it so hard, I can think of things about her that used to annoy me but I can't pretend she's not one of the best and most loving people I've ever known.
nsteen87 Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 I mean yes our relationship was incredibly dysfunctional and I ended up pretty miserable....So that's what makes it so hard, I can think of things about her that used to annoy me but I can't pretend she's not one of the best and most loving people I've ever known. Let's focus on this and trust me, I have shared all of the same feelings as you throughout the grieving process. Once you remove the feeling of loss and stop glorifying the "happier" moments of the relationship and focus on the negatives, you will be in a great place my friend. Your relationship was dysfunctional and you are now miserable. Say this to yourself 10 times! Write it down a thousand times if it helps. Her making you happy only made you blind to what YOU are admitting was otherwise not a good and dysfunctional relationship. Here is the truth, there are thousands if not millions of other girls who CAN make you feel the same way without the dysfunctional piece. Try thinking of it like this: You have a won a contest and I am going to give you one of two free cars. You can have a Kia. Like your ex-girlfriend it is functional and will make you happy at times. But they are known to have reliability issues and are often dysfunctional! OR You can have a Brand New BMW. It's what you have always wanted and it will never cease to exhilarate you and most importantly, it's not dysfunctional My point is - life is too short and don't settle for less. You CAN do much better and get what YOU want. I'm not telling you to completely forget about her because you need to take the lessons learned from all of this to your next relationship which is the single most important part of developing and building your emotional intelligence. The problem now is you are glorifying her and you will never recover emotionally until you stop. As Mike Ditka would say "Stop it!"
Author Billyjo Posted December 15, 2012 Author Posted December 15, 2012 Let's focus on this and trust me, I have shared all of the same feelings as you throughout the grieving process. Once you remove the feeling of loss and stop glorifying the "happier" moments of the relationship and focus on the negatives, you will be in a great place my friend. Your relationship was dysfunctional and you are now miserable. Say this to yourself 10 times! Write it down a thousand times if it helps. Her making you happy only made you blind to what YOU are admitting was otherwise not a good and dysfunctional relationship. Here is the truth, there are thousands if not millions of other girls who CAN make you feel the same way without the dysfunctional piece. Try thinking of it like this: You have a won a contest and I am going to give you one of two free cars. You can have a Kia. Like your ex-girlfriend it is functional and will make you happy at times. But they are known to have reliability issues and are often dysfunctional! OR You can have a Brand New BMW. It's what you have always wanted and it will never cease to exhilarate you and most importantly, it's not dysfunctional My point is - life is too short and don't settle for less. You CAN do much better and get what YOU want. I'm not telling you to completely forget about her because you need to take the lessons learned from all of this to your next relationship which is the single most important part of developing and building your emotional intelligence. The problem now is you are glorifying her and you will never recover emotionally until you stop. As Mike Ditka would say "Stop it!" Thanks! Sometimes it's nice (and necessary) to hear it over and over. I think part of the problem (or a huge part of the problem) is when she BU with me I had just graduated college and haven't even found a job yet and she is still in our house with our pets so it's just like I have nothing. If i had our pets or a job that would be a huge relief in taking my mind off her. One more question, because i like your advice, should I look for a rebound just to preoccupy me? I definitely need some major therapy before getting into a healthy long relationship again but is a rebound ok just to ease the pain a little?
nsteen87 Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 Thanks! Sometimes it's nice (and necessary) to hear it over and over. I think part of the problem (or a huge part of the problem) is when she BU with me I had just graduated college and haven't even found a job yet and she is still in our house with our pets so it's just like I have nothing. If i had our pets or a job that would be a huge relief in taking my mind off her. One more question, because i like your advice, should I look for a rebound just to preoccupy me? I definitely need some major therapy before getting into a healthy long relationship again but is a rebound ok just to ease the pain a little? Therapy is a great thing. I've been going for 8 weeks and it helps you discover all of the red flags you overlooked and provides great perspective. The pets are tough. I had rescued a dog with the EX and I had to just let it go and let her have it..too much emotional attachment. I'm not saying you should do the same, but they will make it harder to move on if you associate them with her so be aware of this. Rebounds are great. I reconnected with every girl that expressed interest in me while I was dating because why the heck not right? You're a young guy like me and this is the only chance we have to smell the flowers. Get out of your comfort zone a little bit and experiment. Approach the crazy girl at the bar who is dishing out body shots. Pickup a new hobby. Get yourself that job so you afford to take that trip to Vegas. You need to rebuild your psyche and it's all about self-empowerment now. I caution you not to jump right into another relationship though because you need to take time to understand what went wrong and why or you will repeat the same mistakes. Now go out tonight and approach every girl at the bar and let me know how it goes tomorrow. I will be doing the same with you bud.
annabelle26 Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 yeah i put them on a pedestal at first. i spend 2 or 3 weeks acting like someone close to me died. then i get mad. then i see the funny side. then repeat as necessary. after im done with these stages, i accept they arent godly. and then i do something life-altering. thanks to breakups, ive moved 100 miles, got myself a decent education, learned to drive. the most recent has me applying for jobs abroad. it helps you let go of the positive/ negative and focus on yourself. you become indifferent to them. they changed your life path in a good way, thanks, bye, have a nice life. and what would you know, you end up being godly in their eyes eventually. but by the time THAT happens, you're over their crap. they arent godly and they never were.
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