Peppergale Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 I just realized. I am one of those girls that likes guys that are entirely wrong for them. The reason I dated my ex of 2 years was because I felt sympathetic and I wanted to fix/help him. I was always there for him, and trying to change him; while he was never supportive to me. This recent guy I like has clearly shown he has no interest. He doesn't call/text and he wants me to find a guys that is right for me (bc its clearly not him). However, he is emotionally unstable and over-analyzes everything that happens between us. He is socially awkward, and yet, I want to spend ALL my time with him! I can't get enough! Then, there are these two guys that have ALWAYS been there for me and would treat me like a queen if I ever accepted their date requests, yet I feel nothing! It feels wrong to date these nice guys, like they can't offer me anything, when I know they can! Does anyone else have his problem? Will this feeling change as I mature? I am only 22 and have only had one serious relationship. Also, what happened to Gibson? Where did he go?!
KungFuJoe Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 I just realized. I am one of those girls that likes guys that are entirely wrong for them. The reason I dated my ex of 2 years was because I felt sympathetic and I wanted to fix/help him. I was always there for him, and trying to change him; while he was never supportive to me. This recent guy I like has clearly shown he has no interest. He doesn't call/text and he wants me to find a guys that is right for me (bc its clearly not him). However, he is emotionally unstable and over-analyzes everything that happens between us. He is socially awkward, and yet, I want to spend ALL my time with him! I can't get enough! Then, there are these two guys that have ALWAYS been there for me and would treat me like a queen if I ever accepted their date requests, yet I feel nothing! It feels wrong to date these nice guys, like they can't offer me anything, when I know they can! Does anyone else have his problem? Will this feeling change as I mature? I am only 22 and have only had one serious relationship. Also, what happened to Gibson? Where did he go?! You might be a control freak. Are you? It doesn't sound like you like "bad" guys, but needy and emotional guys.
Author Peppergale Posted December 13, 2012 Author Posted December 13, 2012 Oh ****, I think I am. How do I become less controlling?
sweetkiwi Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Uhm. Experience? Realizing you can't control anything but you. And that's not even a guarantee. You're obviously looking for approval. From guys you'll never get it from because they just don't like you as much. They're needy. But only when it suits them. I hope you figure this out soon.
KungFuJoe Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Oh ****, I think I am. How do I become less controlling? Find out WHY you're controlling. First look towards your mother/father relationship and how they are with each other. When you're young, you get 99% of your "relationship" experience from them...how they treat you and how they treat each other. Did your mom wear the pants in the family? Did your dad cheat? Underneath being a control freak are usually underlying trust issues. You might not trust men, so you want someone who NEEDS you so you can control them and how they act. It might also just be due to age and experience. You're new to relationships and men and there is always a natural fear for the unknown so being a control freak and going for needy guys might just be a defense mechanism. 1
Author Peppergale Posted December 13, 2012 Author Posted December 13, 2012 Thanks for all the advice. My mom and dad's relationship was definitely not the best, so that may be a great indicator of that. My mom never had any power or "respect" from my dad, I guess you could call it that, so that may be it? I've always known I don't trust men, but I always thought it was because I saw my best friends get cheated on and hurt from guys. But if I see them getting hurt, I would want a nice guy, right?
Author Peppergale Posted December 13, 2012 Author Posted December 13, 2012 Yah! I miss Gibson. He gave such great advice that always made me understand and feel better about a situations. I hope he comes back!
Disenchantedly Yours Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Peppergale, you begin to work on control issues in small steps. Next time you find yourself wanting to control a situation, you take a step back. For example, lets say you want to dicitate what movie you are going to watch with someone, you let them pick instead. It's going to annoy the heck out of you and it is going to take a lot of will power BUT it's the hard work you need to put in to break some of those control issues. This Thanksgiving I cooked dinner for my family. It's the first time I have ever done it and I wanted to do it all by myself. So when my sister-in-law asked if she could help, my first knee-jerk response was to say "No , I totally got this." But then I realized that she wasn't near her family and I know was missing them, it would give us time to bond, and the reality is that I did need her help. When we were in the kitchen cooking and she was doing simply things like chopping up things her way and that stuff, it was really good exercise for me to let it go and let her do it her way. And you know what? everything turned out great. The other reason why you might pick these guys is because of low-self-esteem and not believing on some level you deserve better. That you deserve to be with a guy that will treat you with kindness. Once you begin to see your own value, the guys that don't treat you right become less attractive and the guys that do treat you right are more attractive. That might come with a little more experience and age but you're off to a good start being only 22 and seeing these things already. Really work on giving up having to control the little things and when you have to give up the control on the bigger things, it will be easier. Work on your own self-esteem so you see your own value and are able to fully be with guys that see your value too. 1
edgygirl Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 The theory I believe in is that when we don't have a good self esteem we try to validate how good we are through winning unavailable people. That's why available, nice people seem unattractive to people with low self esteem. Because they don't have to win them and then prove to themselves that they're good enough. They tend to think people who are nice to them must have some issue, otherwise why would they be into them as they are so worthless? Self esteem. That's what this is about. 1
PratyekaYana Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 I just realized. I am one of those girls that likes guys that are entirely wrong for them. The reason I dated my ex of 2 years was because I felt sympathetic and I wanted to fix/help him. I was always there for him, and trying to change him; while he was never supportive to me. This recent guy I like has clearly shown he has no interest. He doesn't call/text and he wants me to find a guys that is right for me (bc its clearly not him). However, he is emotionally unstable and over-analyzes everything that happens between us. He is socially awkward, and yet, I want to spend ALL my time with him! I can't get enough! Then, there are these two guys that have ALWAYS been there for me and would treat me like a queen if I ever accepted their date requests, yet I feel nothing! It feels wrong to date these nice guys, like they can't offer me anything, when I know they can! Does anyone else have his problem? Will this feeling change as I mature? I am only 22 and have only had one serious relationship. Also, what happened to Gibson? Where did he go?! It sounds as though you suffer from what most women who find themselves repeatedly in questionable relationships suffer from: a gross misunderstanding of what guides your attraction. Read this. The men of poor quality who somehow manage to win your affections likely demonstrate a good collection of alpha traits, and those traits trigger your sexual/romantic response. On the opposite end of the spectrum, the "nice guys" that you reject probably make you feel very comfortable around them, but you find that you simply can't generate any amount of sexual interest in them.
Author Peppergale Posted December 13, 2012 Author Posted December 13, 2012 Wow. That's a lot of responses. Thanks! I think I am going to try to less controlling by taking a step back. I just get really worked up about things that, in perspective, are so insignificant. It may be a self-esteem issue, but I've always been happy about my appearance and I have great friends. I don't have a ton of experience with guys. I've only had 2 relationships, ever, and I've never been a girl to have guys as friends. I don't click with guys as friends, except for my one best guy friend. The alpha male traits article is great at explaining why I like the current guy I like. He very much is a manly man, and displays extreme confidence. Even though he is emotionally unstable. Its strange. However, the ovaries dying hypothesis is out of the question. I look very young for my age. People say I look 17 even though I am about to turn 23. I hope I look like I'm in my 20s when I am in my late 20s.
MrCastle Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Why are you ignoring my post and the post of the other member who said the same thing. Immaturity is the problem here. The other people who are citing control problems and self esteem issues are way overthinking this situation. I've only had 2 relationships, ever, and I've never been a girl to have guys as friends. I don't click with guys as friends, except for my one best guy friend. I am about to turn 23. I hope I look like I'm in my 20s when I am in my late 20s. This is it right here. Immaturity. Age wise, and emotionally. Very common.
Author Peppergale Posted December 13, 2012 Author Posted December 13, 2012 I felt as though it was already implied. Its obvious I am young and immature. I know that. If I more mature, I would be able to figure this out on my own. But that doesn't answer any questions I have. I have friends that are my age, but also very emotionally mature. I want to know WHY I am emotionally immature and if there is anything I can do about it. My immaturity shows through as me being controlling.
Author Peppergale Posted December 13, 2012 Author Posted December 13, 2012 Greznog: I am rather confused about about you are implying. Do you mind further explaining what you mean?
MrCastle Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 I felt as though it was already implied. Its obvious I am young and immature. I know that. If I more mature, I would be able to figure this out on my own. But that doesn't answer any questions I have. I have friends that are my age, but also very emotionally mature. I want to know WHY I am emotionally immature and if there is anything I can do about it. My immaturity shows through as me being controlling. Acknowledging it is the first step to maturity. There are no deeper issues at play here like some others have suggested. What you're dealing with is very common for your age group, especially with those who have limited relationship experience. It's a common problem and simply a part of growing up. None of us are born into maturity, we grow into it. You have to realize guys that don't show you attention or give you the respect you deserve are like that for a reason. They don't like you. Understanding that, and understanding that relationships are not about one person trying to change or "help" another. You don't enter relationships with people that need help. You enter relationships with people who have their **** together. 1
Author Peppergale Posted December 14, 2012 Author Posted December 14, 2012 Oh my gosh! That sounds absolutely terrible!
Tara247 Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 Thirdly some women put their revulsion aside in favor of the intellectually sound decision of having children with one of those boring, consistently employed men once they feel their biological clock going off like a gong. Well, I have a woman friend who married one of those guys. He is boring as a brick wall. Ugly too, with a balding head and a small gut. Her ex was a drug addict, so she decided to go "safe" and "predictable" this time. I think her man is disgusting. He has never had a drop of alcohol, is religious (there is a diff between being religious and truly knowing God, but not saying he doesn't), and is just so utterly boring. Yuck!
Author Peppergale Posted December 14, 2012 Author Posted December 14, 2012 Oh wow. I do not want that at all. Do you think it is possible to "force" yourself to fall in love with someone you are not initially attracted to? I can recognize when a guy is a great guy in every aspect. I'm usually not attracted to them, even though I know they are physically attractive guys. Do you think it's possible to learn to love someone that you aren't initially drawn to?
yongyong Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 You like what you like. I don't care if you date guys with prison record. Just don't complain! I see all kinds of stupid women talking about this on PoF. 'I used to date jerks, they all treated me like sxit. my friends said I deserve better so I am....' 1
Disenchantedly Yours Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 However, the ovaries dying hypothesis is out of the question. I look very young for my age. People say I look 17 even though I am about to turn 23. I hope I look like I'm in my 20s when I am in my late 20s. Oh Good Lord, your ovaries aren't drying up at 22. And you shouldn't want to look 17 when you are 22 or ever. I hope you look healthy and happy in your late 20s and so on. Don't spend your life wishing you always looked younger. There is nothing wrong with looking the exact age you are. There is a lot of social pressure and shaming toward women that looking younger then your actual age is a good thing. Looking the exact age you are is totally good too! 1
truth_prevails Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 Peppergale, You sound like a nice girl, so I'm worried that you're taking some of the posts here too seriously. I think when we invest a lot in someone we get more attached to them. And I think sometimes nice girls end up falling for guys with a lot of problems because they end up investing a lot of time and effort in trying to help them. I think this happens to nice guys too. But the reality is that it's very hard to change people. It's not wrong to help people but you should look after your own heart first.
Author Peppergale Posted December 14, 2012 Author Posted December 14, 2012 It's definitely interesting what other people have to say. Thanks Truth_Prevails! I just want to make sure I don't fall for another guy that does not care. You're right. It is hard when you invest so much, then the guy is like "thanks! I'm good. done with you!" and leaves. I'm just wanting to prevent that from happening in the future, but I can see my "type" is emotionally unstable, bad guys.
SmileFace Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 I don't get the correlation with control issues. Since you don't seem to have a bit of control in anything you mentioned. However it does that you are immature which has nothing to do with your age. What you need to do is figure out why you accept this behaviour from guys and what leads you to wanting more? It can be an insecurity. Do you not think you are good enough? Do you actually want a relationship? Dating *******s isn't something people do if they want excitment. Someone who is good for you will bring you excitment. So it isn't about labeling the guys you dated but figuring out what is good for you.
Author Peppergale Posted December 14, 2012 Author Posted December 14, 2012 I think I am good enough for a good guy. Or rather a guy of quality. And yes, I love relationships! But, I just want one good relationship that lasts forever, rather than little ones.
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