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how many of us are struggling to heal b/c of our current self-esteem rather than Ex??

Jono85

By Jono85
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Jono85 Established Member

Jono85

Posted
Posted

just some random thoughts today.

 

personally, i think a big reason why i'm finding it so hard to accept and move on, is b/c of my current self-esteem, rather than b/c my ex was for sure "the one".

 

right now life is just not where i envisioned it would be at age 27. in fact I am not WHO i want to be at this age. very farrr from it. i think a lot of this pain i'm going through, is actually just pain that stems from my lack of confidence right now and overall low self-esteem. my ex masked all of that. she was an escape from all of my issues and problems. her leaving me, and sort of abandoning me, sure that's tough in and of itself. but it's so grossly magnified b/c it's exposed me and all my insecurities. i won't say i wasn't dealing with them at all while i was with her, but i was coasting at best. i failed my cfa exam last december b/c i didn't care that much and was spending every weekend with her. i also deal with social anxiety and having her there to hang with all the time didn't really motivate me to work on being social and working on that. i could go on.

 

i guess i'm saying that sure i miss my ex for who she was, BUT when i think about it and reflect, we had a lot of problems. we fought all the time. what kept me in it was that she was A) really cute/really turned me on B) i really grew to care for her C) it was easy/didn't have to go pick up other girls. but we both hurt each other a lot and it just wasn't a healthy relationship. i would have never imagined that was how me and my future wife would get along.

 

i wasn't growing as a person. maybe some people can do that well WHILE in a relationship, but for whatever reason i wasn't. And i'm hurting now b/c I'm realizing again that i don't really like myself all that much, or at least not nearly as much as i should, and now i'm faced to deal with that again. i have fears i'll never find someone that will truly love me for who i am, and someone that i obv really like and find attractive too. stupid fears creep in that i'm a loser, and that i got lucky to have my ex, until she realized that loser. i know these are stupid irrational thoughts, but i guess i'm realizing that there is where the source of my pain lies predominantly, and not b/c i feel i lost the love of my life.

 

at the same time a part of me does look forward to this journey of 'finding myself' and seeing what i'm made of. but i'm def scared. hopefully in a year or two i'll look back and see the gains/growth i've made and realize what a blessing this was.

CptSaveAho Established Member

CptSaveAho

Posted
Posted

 

personally, i think a big reason why i'm finding it so hard to accept and move on, is b/c of my current self-esteem

 

This is the smartest thing you have ever posted on this forum... and its 100% true.

 

Like most people here, you project your problems on "ex"s and failed to look in a mirror. Your self esteem was in the crapper WAY before this ex, your projected a relationship from your previous relationship, onto this one and blamed your most recent ex for all your faults.

 

Most mature people realize that relationships dont work and an ex doesnt need permission to break up with you if they aren't feeling it

Amelie1980 Established Member

Amelie1980

Posted
Posted

Poor is the man whose pleasure depends on the permission of another.

 

If only I could take my own advice right now.....:-(

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AlexDP Established Member

AlexDP

Posted
Posted

100% true.

 

We also need to keep in mind that self esteem is a factor on several areas. We might be confident as football players, but insecure about girls wanting us. I think sometimes a break up makes a lack in self esteem show in particular areas.

 

The thing is though.. break ups might heal us in the long run.

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Jono85 Established Member

Jono85

Posted
  • Author
Posted
This is the smartest thing you have ever posted on this forum... and its 100% true.

 

Like most people here, you project your problems on "ex"s and failed to look in a mirror. Your self esteem was in the crapper WAY before this ex, your projected a relationship from your previous relationship, onto this one and blamed your most recent ex for all your faults.

 

Most mature people realize that relationships dont work and an ex doesnt need permission to break up with you if they aren't feeling it

 

are u speaking specifically to me here? or in general?

 

i admitted in the OP my self-esteem was "in the crapper" even before my ex, but she helped to mask many of my insecurities. i mean the end game is to have a sexy, great GF. guys can talk all they want about landing a great job, having status, being rich, dressing well, being very outgoing, etc etc etc, but at the end of the day, if that broke guy working at starbucks, renting an apartment, taking the bus, etc. has an absolute DIME and awesome girlfriend, no one can really hate on the guy lol. terrible outlook perhaps, but that's an extreme version of how i felt in my relationship. i was just content with having her. respected. but obviously now i'm realizing that my happiness was unhealthily pinned to her, and not myself. which is what i have to work on before entering into my next serious relationship.

todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

Posted
Posted (edited)
just some random thoughts today.

 

personally, i think a big reason why i'm finding it so hard to accept and move on, is b/c of my current self-esteem, rather than b/c my ex was for sure "the one".

 

right now life is just not where i envisioned it would be at age 27. in fact I am not WHO i want to be at this age. very farrr from it. i think a lot of this pain i'm going through, is actually just pain that stems from my lack of confidence right now and overall low self-esteem. my ex masked all of that. she was an escape from all of my issues and problems. her leaving me, and sort of abandoning me, sure that's tough in and of itself. but it's so grossly magnified b/c it's exposed me and all my insecurities. i won't say i wasn't dealing with them at all while i was with her, but i was coasting at best. i failed my cfa exam last december b/c i didn't care that much and was spending every weekend with her. i also deal with social anxiety and having her there to hang with all the time didn't really motivate me to work on being social and working on that. i could go on.

 

i guess i'm saying that sure i miss my ex for who she was, BUT when i think about it and reflect, we had a lot of problems. we fought all the time. what kept me in it was that she was A) really cute/really turned me on B) i really grew to care for her C) it was easy/didn't have to go pick up other girls. but we both hurt each other a lot and it just wasn't a healthy relationship. i would have never imagined that was how me and my future wife would get along.

 

i wasn't growing as a person. maybe some people can do that well WHILE in a relationship, but for whatever reason i wasn't. And i'm hurting now b/c I'm realizing again that i don't really like myself all that much, or at least not nearly as much as i should, and now i'm faced to deal with that again. i have fears i'll never find someone that will truly love me for who i am, and someone that i obv really like and find attractive too. stupid fears creep in that i'm a loser, and that i got lucky to have my ex, until she realized that loser. i know these are stupid irrational thoughts, but i guess i'm realizing that there is where the source of my pain lies predominantly, and not b/c i feel i lost the love of my life.

 

at the same time a part of me does look forward to this journey of 'finding myself' and seeing what i'm made of. but i'm def scared. hopefully in a year or two i'll look back and see the gains/growth i've made and realize what a blessing this was.

 

 

I avoided a lot of what i wished and dreamed about when i was with my ex i just put my whole self issues and all aside.....a lot of what i wished an ddreamed abotu was being in a loving supportive realtionship and not saying he didnt support me because my ex did in soem ways he was good and in other ways just not right for me...he never could handle mental illness......or being committed....a bit phobic....saying that the relationship stayed together for fifteen plus years because i had focus...i avoided dealing with things i couldnt handle and just dealt with the things i could....bit of an ostrich with her head in the sand....i am so proud of myself a lot of people dont see how far i have come...and yes i still get sick .....i am over my ex........i have to deal with my issues th erest of my life and its a balancing act a juggle ...i have to accept it and hope next time in a relationship that soemoen accepts all of mem .....gives me a bit of credit......i dotn think my ex ever knew how hard it was fro me ...how coudl he? he didnt understand mental illnessn he didnt live my past......but i understand that......i understand him more than he knows i do

thats why i am his friend besides the fact he did me wrong song......

 

 

 

i just know he isnt for me now....i see compassion in others that he never had....and this time i was attracted to someone who has this in spades...its a huge improvement on my mindset.....i am proud of who i have fallen for...i see him...not my ex....and even though he didnt reciprocate....i care about him......so now my issue is unrequited love....lol...if it isnt one thing its another....but i am proud my heart chose someone nice to fall for....thats my positive...i am happy i can hope he willl be my friend in my life...i can turn too one day...if he sees me as a friend..i want him as a lifer..im working on it...keeping him in my life.....maybe....i may have to go no contact its relly hard to be just hsi friend its better than not at all...that would suck.....ill deal with it when it is necessary....so ummm yes to self esteem.deb

Edited by todreaminblue
ItxWillxGetxBetter Established Member

ItxWillxGetxBetter

Posted
Posted

You have gotten it right! Self esteem issues do prevent you from moving on. I was in you situation not to long ago. When my ex and I broke up I felt like my world had come crashing down. During the time that I was with her I was so preoccupied with taking care of her that I let my self go. On top of that I became complacent. Prior to her I was very ambitious. I had enrolled in a graduate program and earned my masters. I had a good job but I wanted more. When I was with her I was fine with where I was at in life and stop pursuing what I wanted to focus on her.

 

Well, when she left my whole world left with her. I remember always looking in the mirror and thought to myself who would ever want me? I let myself go so much that I felt I was unattractive. Fear of the unknown as well as fear of not being able to find someone in the future made moving on impossible. I started to work out, eat right and lose a ton of weight. Now I'm the attractive person I use to know. Today, I have no doubt that I will find someone else in the future its just a matter of time. Once the fear of not being able to find another love was removed it made moving on that much easier.

 

I started to evaluate other parts of my life and began to improve on it. I became ambitious once again. I started to focus on advancing my career in which I did. After all these changes, missing her is an after thought. Dont get me wrong I still think about her but its not as crippling as it use to be.

ItxWillxGetxBetter Established Member

ItxWillxGetxBetter

Posted
Posted
j. i failed my cfa exam last december b/c i didn't care that much and was spending every weekend with her.

 

The fact the your are taking the CFA exams says alot. I wouldn't be to hard on yourself. The CFA exams are pretty tough especially the last one. By you taking your CFA exams shows that your an intelligent person. I understand that we all let ourselves go because we are "comfortable" in a relationship. Well not that is over you can focus on yourself and use this time to accomplish and change things that matter to you. Good Luck..

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