mehim Posted August 12, 2004 Posted August 12, 2004 what do u think about men going into the cave. i know men need their space every once and a while, women like to deal with things right away, but men wait, pile it up, and then without notice they just go into their cave and stay in it for a little while. i have read the book Men are from Mars Women are from Venus, by John Gray. it makes a lot of sense, about how men are also like rubber bands, when they get really intimate, they get the need of getting away from it, for little bit. but they always come back the same as they were before, or even better. if you have read my previous post, about my bf not talking to me for a while without saying anything about him needing space, most guys do that. they dont say anything, they become so emotionally detached from everything, and us girls get frustrated, because we dont know what the hell is going on with, and i always think that, maybe he doesn't want me anymore, maybe he wants to end things, etc etc... so for the men out there, do u actually do this, and for the women do ur men do it also.
YellowLioness Posted August 12, 2004 Posted August 12, 2004 I act like a man when it comes to intimacy. Lol. My boyfriend wants to hang out alllll the time. He wants to make love all the time, talk all the time,; he needs to be touching me, or cuddling me all the time... Most of the time, OMG I LOVE it that he likes to cuddle so much! However, Sometimes... I totally need my space. Usually, I'll tell him flat out that I need space, so he won't get upset. Sometimes, I just need to read, or listen to my new Incubus CD (which is not nearly as good as S.C.I.E.N.C.E., btw). So, about the Cave Thing---- I go into my cave when I'm feeling some what smothered by intimacy. My BF does not need that kind of space. We are very different, but we talk constantly, so we manage to work things like the "space" issue out very quickly.
faux Posted August 13, 2004 Posted August 13, 2004 Originally posted by mehim what do u think about men going into the cave. i know men need their space every once and a while, women like to deal with things right away, but men wait, pile it up, and then without notice they just go into their cave and stay in it for a little while. I am male. I do not do this. i have read the book Men are from Mars Women are from Venus, by John Gray. it makes a lot of sense, about how men are also like rubber bands, when they get really intimate, they get the need of getting away from it, for little bit. but they always come back the same as they were before, or even better. Again. I am male, and I do not do that, either. Some book. if you have read my previous post, about my bf not talking to me for a while without saying anything about him needing space, most guys do that. they dont say anything, they become so emotionally detached from everything, and us girls get frustrated, because we dont know what the hell is going on with, and i always think that, maybe he doesn't want me anymore, maybe he wants to end things, etc etc... so for the men out there, do u actually do this, and for the women do ur men do it also. Well, I don't do it. Maybe most men do, which is unfortunate. I've known quite a few women who have done the things you mentioned, actually.
DerangedAngel Posted August 13, 2004 Posted August 13, 2004 I don't think this cave thing you're talking about is really gender specific. To answer this: and for the women do ur men do it also. Some have. Not all. I find it terribly upsetting when it happens as I am a little closer to the "clingy" side and hate to be put-off, or ignored. if you have read my previous post, about my bf not talking to me for a while without saying anything about him needing space, most guys do that. I've never read the Mars/Venus book, but does it say that this is normal behavior for a male to distance himself and not tell you what's up? -Deranged
Samson Posted August 14, 2004 Posted August 14, 2004 I've never read the Mars/Venus book, but does it say that this is normal behavior for a male to distance himself and not tell you what's up? Deranged, the answer is "yes." I'd explain, but I just don't feel like talking.
treeman Posted August 14, 2004 Posted August 14, 2004 Yeh men often are said to do that too much. Although not are all like that although a lot of us always end up back in 'the cave' every now and then. You just gotta stay positive. -Ben
DerangedAngel Posted August 14, 2004 Posted August 14, 2004 Deranged, the answer is "yes." I'd explain, but I just don't feel like talking. Thanks. I guess I've just been kind of lucky then, because I always get a warning. Hope everything works out, mehim. -DA
havNfun Posted August 14, 2004 Posted August 14, 2004 Mehim, I think you are correct with your thoughts on this.
Samson Posted August 14, 2004 Posted August 14, 2004 I guess I've just been kind of lucky then, because I always get a warning.- Deranged, Yeah like what kind of warning? 1. Not Sleeping in the nude? 2. Not Shaving? 3. Not Bathing? 4. Stocking up on cases of Miller Lite? 5. Buying a fishing boat? 6. Putting extra onions on their double meat whooper? 7. Planning a September hunting trip in June? 8. Running out of strawberry dookie? Frankly, Deranged, it was difficult to imagine #1 being on your list, but I included it for generic reasons.
treddo Posted August 14, 2004 Posted August 14, 2004 Every mans different. If I don't understand what you're blubbering about does that mean I'm in my cave or that I simply don't understand?
ringo Posted August 14, 2004 Posted August 14, 2004 Women have the vocabulary of 25,000 words while man was given the vocabulary of 2,500 words. By the time the man comes home from work, he's used up most of his vocabulary and only has 20 words left??? Something like this.... you get the point. Still - I think we all know men AND woman that can act like this from time to time.
Thinkalot Posted August 15, 2004 Posted August 15, 2004 Yep, my fiance has a cave, with a bearskin rug and pictures of cavewomen to look at...he likes to spend a bit of time in there, especially if we have a fight. If I try and enter the cave, then look out...it's possible he has turned into a caveBEAR and will bite my head off...so I have learnt the hard way...NOT to enter the cave.
smile95 Posted August 15, 2004 Posted August 15, 2004 I was very happy to read your post my bf is going thru a divorce and child custody. we have been dating for 2 yrs and lately he has had a lot on his plate and overwhelmed. He suddenly stopped talking to me? no break up? but stopped. I call and get ignored and it hurts. I know he loves me but after reading you post, maybe he is in his cave??? what do you think?
Thinkalot Posted August 15, 2004 Posted August 15, 2004 beth...that could be the case. He might not have enough energy to focus on all things in his life, so he is trying to deal with the divorce etc. Perhaps just let him know you're there if he needs you, and that you love him, and step back. If you want reassurance, just say "i know you've got a lot on, but I just want to make sure...are things between us OK? If so, good...I know you need space.." etc
Author mehim Posted August 15, 2004 Author Posted August 15, 2004 beth, i agree with thinkalot, just leave him a message if he doesnt answer u, and ask him, if everything is ok between u guys, and im 100% sure that it is. dont u just hate the doubt of not knowing whats going on. and by the way you are welcome, it makes me feel really good that my post could help someone other than me.
smile95 Posted August 15, 2004 Posted August 15, 2004 thanks for the reply. He has done this before and comes around. But his time he has bigger issues. I have tried for 3 wks now to get him to reply and I just think he needs space. SO finally, i sent an email saying i was here for him but this really hurts me that he does not feel he can talk to me. I guess that is all i can do. In the meantime, I cannot chase anymore. I am emotionally drained from this man. I want to move on, eventhough it is hard without answers or closure. The only thing that reassures me is that this is a pattern with him, however, I have realized I cannot deal with the silent treatment anymore from him. thanks
Thinkalot Posted August 16, 2004 Posted August 16, 2004 beth that is a long time...and it is not fair on you. I would not cope well with that at all. Even though he has a lot to deal with, he still owes you some respect and consideration in my opinion. Good luck.
beautiful Posted August 16, 2004 Posted August 16, 2004 Beth...what do you expect here? this is a married man! You remember how he treats his current wife because you will be next! So far as men going into caves .........I don't think it is a gender thing. We all need our space sometimes.
HokeyReligions Posted August 16, 2004 Posted August 16, 2004 It's not completely gender-specific, but what is? It is an attribute more closely associated with males than females. In our house my husband goes into his DEN! LOL! When he's in his den I leave him alone (I enjoy the peace and quiet too!) When we were first together it used to bother me because I felt shut out. Bottom line is that the majority of men process problems or concerns MUCH differently than the majority of women. He's not avoiding you and brooding on your relationship. He's escaping from all of his stresses. Its generally not personal. Maybe he would rather be away for a bit to sort through things, rather than say things he doesn't mean or hasn't thought through yet and risk hurting you. When I finally understood that concept it made it sooooo much easier on me. When he finally understood that I need to vocalize to process and that I neither expect nor want him to solve my problems---just listen to me, he felt like a huge weight had been lifted. Men (generally speaking) are 'fixers' and if you present a concern or problem to them they want to fix it.
smile95 Posted August 16, 2004 Posted August 16, 2004 He is seperatedand has been for 2 yrs. He only sees his wife when he picks up the son. So, no I do not expect to be treated like this. If he was still living life as a married man, I would not be in this. The divorce is finally going to be final. I was just asking if it is normal for guys to deal with stress this way
smile95 Posted August 16, 2004 Posted August 16, 2004 thank you so much for your reply. I know some guys neee space to think and he has done this before and comes around when he is ready. I appreciate your help! I really wanted to make sure this was something that may happen to others
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