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Sufficient Interest.

tigressA

By tigressA
in Dating

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Els Established Member

Els

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I believe if you're dating someone for 2+ years then it's not as positive as you think it can be... I've known many people who dated one person for years and did so because:

 

A) they felt comfortable with them and no one else better had come along.

B) they were cheating on the side but liked having that person there as their rock, go-to.

C) they wanted to keep the person because even though they are cheating, they saw long term potential.

 

I had a friend who had a gf for 5 years. He cheated on her all the time but he felt she would be his wife one day.

 

So, my opinion is of you're dating for 2 years or more, and you're not married, one person or both parties are doing things on the side and are not entirely committed to their partner until someone better comes along.

 

If you'll pop down to the infidelity/OM/OW forums for a bit, you'll see that marriage absolutely does not deter a cheater from cheating, if he/she is of the mind to do so.

 

People choose to marry or not for all sorts of reasons. Some are young and want to be financially stable before tying the knot. Some believe in taking things slow and getting to know a person for years before marriage, because if you are meant to be for the rest of your lives, those few years pale in comparison. Some actually *gasp!* don't personally believe in the concept of marriage, and are content to retain de facto status for the rest of their lives. Hard to grasp, I know, but do try.

 

If you think being married would have stopped your 'friend' from cheating, you'll need to think again. Anyone who wouldn't think twice about cheating in a LTR won't think twice about cheating in a marriage. Common sense.

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truth_seeker Established Member

truth_seeker

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If you think being married would have stopped your 'friend' from cheating, you'll need to think again. Anyone who wouldn't think twice about cheating in a LTR won't think twice about cheating in a marriage. Common sense.

 

I don't disagree with what you're saying, but I think a lot of LTRs are fraudulent. People like their partner but feel it's okay, since they're not married, to have some fun on the side.

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Els Established Member

Els

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I don't disagree with what you're saying, but I think a lot of LTRs are fraudulent. People like their partner but feel it's okay, since they're not married, to have some fun on the side.

 

A lot of all sorts of relationships are fraudulent (including marriages), but that is no reflection on the Rs that aren't. And the people whom you're talking about are not going to stop sleeping around after marriage. Cheaters don't just change their nature because they got married.

movingon12 Established Member

movingon12

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Absolutely true. And it's been more than 2 years for me and it's still absolutely true.

 

I believe if you're dating someone for 2+ years then it's not as positive as you think it can be... I've known many people who dated one person for years and did so because:

 

 

Depends how old you are. I don't think 17 year olds should be marrying after 18 months of dating. But the older you are, the more settled you are so you know better what you need/want in a relationship which means you feel more comfortable committing faster. But in your 20s - take your time.

 

For the record, we are married :)

truth_seeker Established Member

truth_seeker

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A lot of all sorts of relationships are fraudulent (including marriages), but that is no reflection on the Rs that aren't. And the people whom you're talking about are not going to stop sleeping around after marriage. Cheaters don't just change their nature because they got married.

 

Once again, I agree with you.

 

I do think there are people who hold on to relationships because they fear of being alone or want someone new lined up before they jump ship.

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tigressA Established Member

tigressA

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Geez I think that was my most-liked post ever :lmao:

 

Truth_seeker, you bring up some interesting points. There are many people who jump into and stay in relationships out of fear of being alone rather than sincere interest in the other person. I was like that when I first started dating.

 

Also it's funny how we can so easily see what's wrong in others' situations--we can easily gauge a lack of interest when we're not involved. But when we're discerning someone's interest in us we still tend to rationalize clear signs of disinterest and make more out of things that don't really mean anything. :laugh: I know I'm guilty of doing that!

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FitChick Established Member

FitChick

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If it's there, dating is simple. There are no questions.

 

Ladies, gentlemen, if you think back over your dating history, I'm sure you'll find comparative examples of your own.

 

That's why I nearly married the first man who acted that way. I remember thinking, "Oh, this is how it's supposed to be!" Even though it didn't work out, it was a very valuable lesson and has made my dating life so much easier.

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todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

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I havent dated for so long....its like pig latin

ImperfectionisBeauty Established Member

ImperfectionisBeauty

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So you're the love guru now? :) just kidding

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todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

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If it's there, dating is simple. There are no questions.

 

If it's not there, dating is complicated. There are many questions. All of which can be answered with: "They. Are. Not. Interested."

 

'Games' and other BS occur simply because the person you're hoping to snag is not sufficiently interested in you. When they are, they are driven to make it known.

 

If you have to ask "Is he/she into me?" or any other related question--they are not. So move on. Even if they're the type to just play it cool--if they do really have feelings for you but are inclined to keep them hidden for 'self-protection', why would you want to be with someone who would make you jump through such hoops?

 

I know I'm still very much in the honeymoon phase of my current relationship :love:, but the above revelation has really hit home for me since it began. There is a clear difference between the men I've dated who ran hot and cold and just wanted to keep it casual, and the men I've dated who had more serious intentions and really wanted to be with me.

 

Ladies, gentlemen, if you think back over your dating history, I'm sure you'll find comparative examples of your own. If you're questioning someone's interest, it doesn't exist. Don't settle for crumbs.

 

 

If you have to ask "Is he/she into me?" or any other related question--they are not. So move on. Even if they're the type to just play it cool--if they do really have feelings for you but are inclined to keep them hidden for 'self-protection', why would you want to be with someone who would make you jump through such hoops?

 

 

if you are driven and you really like someone even when you get rejected you are driven to be aroudn them you still know you like them....if you are interested in someone.....you are driven .....when you are driven they dont seem like hoops....seems more liek a journey....driven....journey ....path....not hoops.....its a process of gettign to knwo that person even if th epath the road the journey isnt clear....thats what high beam is for....focus..deb

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Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

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I can't say I fully agree. 3 of my friends got engaged to guys that were very much giving them mixed signals.

 

One was crying non-stop during the first 6 months. If she posted on here, the advice would have been to dump him. They are now married and have been together for 5 years.

 

The other had a casual sex thing with a guy that told her he doesn't want relationship. Fast forward a year later and he is head over heels.

 

Love is not as simple nor can ever be truly figured out.

 

The only true test is time.

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Ruby Slippers Established Member

Ruby Slippers

Posted
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if you are driven and you really like someone even when you get rejected you are driven to be aroudn them you still know you like them....if you are interested in someone.....you are driven .....when you are driven they dont seem like hoops....seems more liek a journey....driven....journey ....path....not hoops.....its a process of gettign to knwo that person even if th epath the road the journey isnt clear....thats what high beam is for....focus..deb

I like the way you think. You are very wise.

 

The reason I keep sticking with this guy is that it does seem to bring out my best. Maybe it won't last, but so far, it's forcing me to quit whining, get off my ass, and bring my best. He fires up that light inside, big time. I kind of hate him for making me like him so much, for setting such a high bar. But that's just who he is. I can take him or leave him. And ultimately, I might leave him. But not just yet. The journey isn't over yet :)

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tigressA Established Member

tigressA

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I can't say I fully agree. 3 of my friends got engaged to guys that were very much giving them mixed signals.

 

One was crying non-stop during the first 6 months. If she posted on here, the advice would have been to dump him. They are now married and have been together for 5 years.

 

The other had a casual sex thing with a guy that told her he doesn't want relationship. Fast forward a year later and he is head over heels.

 

Love is not as simple nor can ever be truly figured out.

 

The only true test is time.

 

After all the sh*t I've put myself through and been put through even at just 25, I wouldn't be able to tolerate feeling like that in a relationship now. I'd rather have it be easy-breezy. You don't know if your friends had dumped those men that they wouldn't have found another to be happy with who didn't jerk them around in the beginning. And I don't know if they would have.

 

There are always exceptions.

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veggirl Established Member

veggirl

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I can't say I fully agree. 3 of my friends got engaged to guys that were very much giving them mixed signals.

 

One was crying non-stop during the first 6 months. If she posted on here, the advice would have been to dump him. They are now married and have been together for 5 years.

 

The other had a casual sex thing with a guy that told her he doesn't want relationship. Fast forward a year later and he is head over heels.

 

Love is not as simple nor can ever be truly figured out.

 

The only true test is time.

 

Those relationships sound really sad.

 

Why waste my time on mixed feelings and crying non stop for 6 months when I can find a happy relationship with someone who doesn't make me go through that? Anyone who will stick around for a 6 month tearfest at the beginning of a relationship (wow!!) has some issues.

 

For me it is quite simple. Am I happy with you, do you treat me well, do our personalities compliment each other, do we want the same things? Cool, lets see what happens. Do you make me cry all the time, do you give me mixed signals, are you hot and cold with me, do you cheat on me and lie to me? BYYYYYE.

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Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

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Eh I wouldn't stick through 6 months tear fest either, BUT I can see myself dating someone cautiously for 6 months and not being bothered that things are not all guns blazing from day 1.

 

I am really skeptical because I had nearly 10 relationships start like that what T describes, everything being perfect, guys demonstrating consistent high interest - only for things to fizzle out at 2-4 months mark.

Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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There is nothing wrong with starting out like this but the real test is if things can stay happy after the honeymoon period.

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veggirl Established Member

veggirl

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Eh I wouldn't stick through 6 months tear fest either, BUT I can see myself dating someone cautiously for 6 months and not being bothered that things are not all guns blazing from day 1.

 

I am really skeptical because I had nearly 10 relationships start like that what T describes, everything being perfect, guys demonstrating consistent high interest - only for things to fizzle out at 2-4 months mark.

 

I'm very much NOT into the all guns a-blazing at first. That turns me off, right away. I've never entered a relationship like that tbh, I'm always cautious. but it's not one or the other. You can be cautious and still treated right, etc. I'm skeptical of relationships that start like T's as well...wish her the best of course, but for me it would not be comfortable. I don't need super high interest to start with, but i do need consistency. When I was younger, I prob would have gone through 6 months of up and down at the beginning, now I wouldn't though.

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Els Established Member

Els

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Posted
I can't say I fully agree. 3 of my friends got engaged to guys that were very much giving them mixed signals.

 

One was crying non-stop during the first 6 months. If she posted on here, the advice would have been to dump him. They are now married and have been together for 5 years.

 

The other had a casual sex thing with a guy that told her he doesn't want relationship. Fast forward a year later and he is head over heels.

 

Love is not as simple nor can ever be truly figured out.

 

The only true test is time.

 

Well, yes, it's certainly not impossible that passion, interest, and, most importantly, consistency in those feelings, can develop over time despite a bad beginning. But one really should not be sticking out a bad early relationship 'just because it might get better'. It could get better, but chances are way higher that it'll get worse as time goes on.

 

FWIW, I'm solely referring to 'mixed signals' here. I think it's possible to give 'clear signals' while still taking things slow as well. In fact, slow is my preferred cup of tea. Mixed signals, however, I can't see why I'd want anything to do with that.

Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

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I'm very much NOT into the all guns a-blazing at first. That turns me off, right away. I've never entered a relationship like that tbh, I'm always cautious. but it's not one or the other. You can be cautious and still treated right, etc. I'm skeptical of relationships that start like T's as well...wish her the best of course, but for me it would not be comfortable. I don't need super high interest to start with, but i do need consistency. When I was younger, I prob would have gone through 6 months of up and down at the beginning, now I wouldn't though.

 

Yep - I agree with everything you said here. I do need consistency more than anything. If it means only seeing a guy once a week and exchanging some texts in between, I am cool with that.

 

I have no patience for roller-coaster dramathons in my old age.

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tigressA Established Member

tigressA

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It's not that intensity and high passion, etc, are required--only consistent, sufficient interest. Enough to not have to question whether or not the other person is into you and wants to be with you. Like ES said, it could be just seeing them once a week and exchanging the occasional text. As long as it's consistent and you aren't questioning; if you're getting what you need, it's all good.

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