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Sufficient Interest.

tigressA

By tigressA
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tigressA Established Member

tigressA

Posted
Posted

If it's there, dating is simple. There are no questions.

 

If it's not there, dating is complicated. There are many questions. All of which can be answered with: "They. Are. Not. Interested."

 

'Games' and other BS occur simply because the person you're hoping to snag is not sufficiently interested in you. When they are, they are driven to make it known.

 

If you have to ask "Is he/she into me?" or any other related question--they are not. So move on. Even if they're the type to just play it cool--if they do really have feelings for you but are inclined to keep them hidden for 'self-protection', why would you want to be with someone who would make you jump through such hoops?

 

I know I'm still very much in the honeymoon phase of my current relationship :love:, but the above revelation has really hit home for me since it began. There is a clear difference between the men I've dated who ran hot and cold and just wanted to keep it casual, and the men I've dated who had more serious intentions and really wanted to be with me.

 

Ladies, gentlemen, if you think back over your dating history, I'm sure you'll find comparative examples of your own. If you're questioning someone's interest, it doesn't exist. Don't settle for crumbs.

  • Like 19
Drseussgrrl Established Member

Drseussgrrl

Posted
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This is true.

 

Unfortunately in my experience when things have started off hot and heavy, it tended to fizzle out just as quickly.

 

With that being said, I'm not sure what the "right" thing to do is as far as jumping in with both feet or taking it slow and steady.

Divasu Established Member

Divasu

Posted
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I know I'm still very much in the honeymoon phase of my current relationship :love:

 

Yes, you are...

 

If it lasts more than 2 years, perhaps then I'll listen. :p

 

You do bring up some valid points though. ;)

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tigressA Established Member

tigressA

Posted
  • Author
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Yes, you are...

 

If it lasts more than 2 years, perhaps then I'll listen. :p

 

You do bring up some valid points though. ;)

 

I have had a couple of relationships where it wasn't so fast-paced, but even though things moved slower, I was still very aware of the man's interest. Regardless of how slow or fast things go, you should be able to tell the difference between sufficient interest and non-sufficient.

  • Like 1
Divasu Established Member

Divasu

Posted
Posted
Regardless of how slow or fast things go, you should be able to tell the difference between sufficient interest and non-sufficient.

 

True. That is why I said "You do bring up some valid points though".

 

I equate 'interest' more so with 'attention'. When you apply it to dating, you can see why so many 'games' are involved. One does not know enough about the other to sustain 'interest' via an emotional connection and bond, it's simply not 'there' yet. It hasn't developed.

 

So what they have initially in its place, is lust.

 

And as we all know, 'lust' can be quite a powerful driving force...

 

So yes, as it applies to dating ('interest' versus 'non-interest'), it is the only roadmap we have in order to get from one stage to the next.

 

I think? I suck with dating though, so I'm probably wrong. :laugh:

DC4 Established Member

DC4

Posted
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I'm having a hard time figuring out when something is incubating vs when to realize it's time to cut and run. I tend to err on the negative side as a defense mechanism and that's not any better than going all in when the other person may not be available. Neither works!

movingon12 Established Member

movingon12

Posted
Posted
If it's there, dating is simple. There are no questions.

 

If it's not there, dating is complicated. There are many questions. All of which can be answered with: "They. Are. Not. Interested."

 

'Games' and other BS occur simply because the person you're hoping to snag is not sufficiently interested in you. When they are, they are driven to make it known.

 

If you have to ask "Is he/she into me?" or any other related question--they are not. So move on. Even if they're the type to just play it cool--if they do really have feelings for you but are inclined to keep them hidden for 'self-protection', why would you want to be with somIf I hadn't sent mixed signals, then I wouldn't bother. But I did. If he hadn't contacted me a couple of days ago, I wouldn't have given this any thought. In fact, I'd completely forgotten about him within days of the party. That he's trying again has moved him from the "maybe" bucket to the "I'll date you" bucket. I was pretty impressed that he tried again.eone who would make you jump through such hoops?

 

I know I'm still very much in the honeymoon phase of my current relationship :love:, but the above revelation has really hit home for me since it began. There is a clear difference between the men I've dated who ran hot and cold and just wanted to keep it casual, and the men I've dated who had more serious intentions and really wanted to be with me.

 

Ladies, gentlemen, if you think back over your dating history, I'm sure you'll find comparative examples of your own. If you're questioning someone's interest, it doesn't exist. Don't settle for crumbs.

 

Absolutely true. And it's been more than 2 years for me and it's still absolutely true.

Drseussgrrl Established Member

Drseussgrrl

Posted
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Absolutely true. And it's been more than 2 years for me and it's still absolutely true.

 

I'm just beginning to think it doesn't happen for everyone.

Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted
Yes, you are...

 

If it lasts more than 2 years, perhaps then I'll listen. :p

 

You do bring up some valid points though. ;)

 

Well, she is talking about 'dating'. You know... the part before you get into a long-term relationship. Obviously lots of interest and passion in the dating stage doesn't necessarily equal a successful long-term relationship, but it still needs to be there, otherwise there is little point in progressing further.

 

FWIW, my R is at 4.5 years and counting, and I second the OP's sentiments. At the beginning of my R, I had absolutely no doubt that my bf was very much into me and only me, and that provided the foundation for it. I don't see how you can possibly build a happy relationship if the early days are full of games and drama.

  • Like 1
Divasu Established Member

Divasu

Posted
Posted
Well, she is talking about 'dating'.

 

Yes, I know. :)

annabelle26 Established Member

annabelle26

Posted
Posted
If it's there, dating is simple. There are no questions.

 

If it's not there, dating is complicated. There are many questions. All of which can be answered with: "They. Are. Not. Interested."

 

'Games' and other BS occur simply because the person you're hoping to snag is not sufficiently interested in you. When they are, they are driven to make it known.

 

If you have to ask "Is he/she into me?" or any other related question--they are not. So move on. Even if they're the type to just play it cool--if they do really have feelings for you but are inclined to keep them hidden for 'self-protection', why would you want to be with someone who would make you jump through such hoops?

 

I know I'm still very much in the honeymoon phase of my current relationship :love:, but the above revelation has really hit home for me since it began. There is a clear difference between the men I've dated who ran hot and cold and just wanted to keep it casual, and the men I've dated who had more serious intentions and really wanted to be with me.

 

Ladies, gentlemen, if you think back over your dating history, I'm sure you'll find comparative examples of your own. If you're questioning someone's interest, it doesn't exist. Don't settle for crumbs.

 

this post is perfect.

 

thats all i have to say.

veggirl Established Member

veggirl

Posted
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I agree with you T.

 

And Drseuss you don't have to jump in with both feet to show consistent interest. There is a middle ground, my last R we took things slowly but we were still in daily contact and seeing each other consistently. We didn't shout that we are in love after a month or anything like that, but actions were always consistent and I never doubted he was equally interested in me as I was in him.

 

It was night and day from the guys I'd been dating in the past couple of years...there was no chasing or wondering or freaking out on my end cause I didn't have to do those things. Now I never ever would again, if I have to wonder if he is into me, he probably isn't.

edgygirl Established Member

edgygirl

Posted
Posted

Oh my this kind of hurts to hear right now but it's oh so true.

Ruby Slippers Established Member

Ruby Slippers

Posted
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I totally agree. And it's why I'll probably break up with my boyfriend after Christmas. I'm tempted to do it now, but I'm thinking at least we can have a nice holiday together before I cut him loose. I mean, we've already got presents for each other :o Maybe it won't work and I'll send him home early, but we can give it a shot.

 

He likes me enough, but clearly doesn't adore me. And that's just not good enough.

 

One word of caution, though: all the interest in the world up front does not translate into lasting love. My last relationship started with fireworks, passion, romance, phenomenal sex, big proclamations of love, numerous heartfelt songs that we wrote about each other - and after a couple of years, the passion just faded out like a dying fire in the rain. So passion doesn't necessarily endure.

  • Like 1
edgygirl Established Member

edgygirl

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He likes me enough, but clearly doesn't adore me. And that's just not good enough.

 

ˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆthis

TheZebra Established Member

TheZebra

Posted
Posted

A lot of truth in that post. I absolutely hate playing games and that's been my biggest fear in entering the dating world after having been away from it for so long. With my exes, we just clicked, and it was easy, and I never once wondered if they were still interested. Everyone laughs when I tell them that's how relationships should be, but I think it's true.

  • Like 1
iris219 Established Member

iris219

Posted
Posted (edited)
With my exes, we just clicked, and it was easy, and I never once wondered if they were still interested.

 

This has been my experience as well. It's not hard to discern when someone is interested.

 

My ex was a selfish jerk who typically avoids relationships, yet even he managed to make it clear that he was interested and wanted a relationship with me.

 

All this wondering if he/she likes you, if you did something wrong, what you should say, and how to interpret x behavior is unnecessary. When someone truly wants to be with another person, you don't have to wonder. If more people embraced this mindset, there would be a lot less traffic on LS.

Edited by iris219
  • Like 4
veggirl Established Member

veggirl

Posted
Posted

One word of caution, though: all the interest in the world up front does not translate into lasting love. My last relationship started with fireworks, passion, romance, phenomenal sex, big proclamations of love, numerous heartfelt songs that we wrote about each other - and after a couple of years, the passion just faded out like a dying fire in the rain. So passion doesn't necessarily endure.

 

Yeah this, I agree 100%. I am wary of too much too soon, which I suppose most people have figured out lol. I can't even bring myself to do it tbh.

 

A lot of truth in that post. I absolutely hate playing games and that's been my biggest fear in entering the dating world after having been away from it for so long. With my exes, we just clicked, and it was easy, and I never once wondered if they were still interested. Everyone laughs when I tell them that's how relationships should be, but I think it's true.

 

Yep it should be easy, that is totally true. There shouldn't be drama and fighting and whatnot from the beginning. If its not easy from the beginning, it's not right!

  • Like 1
Ruby Slippers Established Member

Ruby Slippers

Posted
Posted
All this wondering if he/she likes you, if you did something wrong, what you should say, and how to interpret x behavior is unnecessary. When someone truly wants to be with another person, you don't have to wonder. If more people embraced this mindset, there would be a lot less traffic on LS.

Well, it's not that hard to find SOMEONE who's crazy about you. But it is hard to find someone who's crazy about you that you're also crazy about.

 

I could have stuck with the last guy who adored me and would have done just about anything to make me happy - but I wasn't that into him, so that would have been essentially using him, and I couldn't do that.

 

When I first got with the guy I'm with now, I was crazy about him. His feelings were lukewarm in comparison, so my feelings started fading out. I was holding on, because he's "a catch", and everybody kept telling me "he seems like a great guy, give it time, see where it goes", blah blah.

 

But I've definitely learned a lot from this. In the future, if I'm not feeling it from his side early on, I won't wait around.

  • Like 2
iris219 Established Member

iris219

Posted
Posted (edited)
Well, it's not that hard to find SOMEONE who's crazy about you.

 

It's hard for me!

 

It's so hard that finding someone who is into me is pretty much my main criteria at this point.

Edited by iris219
Ruby Slippers Established Member

Ruby Slippers

Posted
Posted
It's hard for me!

 

It's so hard that finding someone who is into me is pretty much my main criteria at this point.

I'm sure you or anybody in this thread could find some poor/unattractive/weird/obese/druggie/whatever guy/girl who would love you like crazy. But I doubt any of us would want that!

truth_seeker Established Member

truth_seeker

Posted
Posted
Absolutely true. And it's been more than 2 years for me and it's still absolutely true.

 

I believe if you're dating someone for 2+ years then it's not as positive as you think it can be... I've known many people who dated one person for years and did so because:

 

A) they felt comfortable with them and no one else better had come along.

B) they were cheating on the side but liked having that person there as their rock, go-to.

C) they wanted to keep the person because even though they are cheating, they saw long term potential.

 

I had a friend who had a gf for 5 years. He cheated on her all the time but he felt she would be his wife one day.

 

So, my opinion is of you're dating for 2 years or more, and you're not married, one person or both parties are doing things on the side and are not entirely committed to their partner until someone better comes along.

  • Like 1
EasyHeart Established Member

EasyHeart

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Don't settle for crumbs.
But sometime I get SO HUNGRY!!! :(
  • Like 6
truth_seeker Established Member

truth_seeker

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I guess I would call dating someone for 2 or more years a fall back / safety net relationship.

SmileFace Established Member

SmileFace

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But sometime I get SO HUNGRY!!! :(

Haha, I was trying to figure out a way to say this with out actually saying this but this works. lol

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